Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Not the Right Button

Friday night is typically date night at our house. We go out with friends, family or just by ourselves. It's the one night that I am guaranteed not to have to cook, except on rare occasions.

This past Friday, we were headed to the restaurant of choice, and we were stopped at a stop light. Sitting next to us was a bright yellow VW Bug.

We were making fun of the guy driving, his obviously girlfriend/wife's car because there was flowers in a vase inside the car.

He was also digging for some serious boogers while sitting at the light. Then he tried the "Be cool" moves in hopes that we hadn't seen him.

Sorry dude. We saw. We wished we hadn't but we did.

As the light changed, and he quickly sped off, my husband noticed that he had a transformer image (like the robot people that movies and toys are made of) on the back window.

The following conversation occurred:

Him: There's a transformer sticker on the back window.

Me: What? Does he think that actually makes his car transform into a transformer?

Him: I don't know.

Me: I'm pretty sure that's not where the button is. (Up his nostril)

Date night is so fun.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Things I don't Understand

This is just a random list of things that have absolutely made no sense to me whatsoever in the last week.

After the first couple happened in the short time frame, I knew I had to keep a list.

You're Welcome.

These are in no particular order.

1. My boss wants to make a copy of some drawings, there are 6 pages. Instead of placing them in the feeder, he does each one individually on the glass. I could have made him 4 sets of copies by the time he made one.

2. I was running late to school today, I left the house about 10 minutes later than usual. So when I arrived at my destination I should have been 10 minutes later than usual. Instead I walk into the classroom at 7:46. I don't get there that early when I leave on time.

3. A co-worker whines that he has no money. His rent, utilities, cell phone and salary are all paid by the company we both work for. He pays for his truck, groceries, internet and cable. If that's all I paid for I'd have lots of money.

4. My husband has been unemployed for almost a month. He doesn't have any real hobbies (at least ones that he can do in the house, like hunting). So other than job searching and a few additional chores around the house he hasn't done much. I'm surprised he isn't crazy. Him being at home with no paycheck is making me crazy.

5. I'm cooking dinner for my mom for her birthday on Saturday. Although her birthday is officially tomorrow, I'm doing everything Saturday, because between work and school we wouldn't be eating until Midnight if I did it tomorrow. So I called her yesterday and wanted her to tell me what she wanted fixed for dinner. After an unbelievable amount of time she finally hem-hawed around to picking something out. It's just food. That you don't have to cook. Don't annoy the daughter person.

6. Telemarketers. We get a ton of these people calling at work to "save us money". They don't realize that half of the time I don't listen to their spiel because I'm busy doing homework. Yet, when we politely tell them 'no, thank you', they can't just walk away. They continue to push and haggle with us that their service is better or longer lasting. Yet to get that price we have to buy 4+ cartridges of toner. Um, I've worked here almost 4 years. We have replaced the toner twice. The last replacement was about 2 months ago. I'm pretty sure that 4 cartridges won't last 10 years, which is approximately how long it would take us to use them. Heck, it would probably be at least 18 months before we even needed the next one.

7. I love professors who give you reviews and tons of information about what is going to be on upcoming tests. Then you don't walk it and get your exam and wonder if you are in the right place. Because that feeling and failing grade sucks. However, we are college students. As an older 32 year old, I hate that we are babied. The real world doesn't work that way. Your boss isn't going to care if you stayed up until 2 am partying and the guy next to you has spent the last week working on the project. I want the grade I earned, not the flashbacks to high school. It's about time someone treated college students about how the real world works. Let them, and us earn the grade we earn.

8. Whoever made up world problems should be shot, buried, then dug up and shot again, just for good measure. I do great with numbers. But company A does such and such with 2000 and they had this much here and that much there and here's some information that you don't know what it has to do with anything but they are going to randomly throw it in there just to make you crazy. Bastard.  I understand numbers. Not words with numbers. It's either one or the other people, not both.

9. What's up with the not sleeping through the night? I would imagine that stress has something to do with it. But it's making me tired and grumpy. And when I'm tired and grumpy the high point of my day typically involves killing someone or something. So Mr. Sandman, would you please pay me a visit, every night. Please. Because this waking up to look at the clock several times in the middle of the night is really pissing me off.

And last, but certainly not least:

10. Sometimes I'm reminded about how much people can change. How life experiences and life in general can change our lives. I'm sad because it means that I've lost my friend that I knew, yet at the same time, I wonder if perhaps neither one of us were ever the people we thought we were in high school. 14 years is a long time. A lot can happen. A lot has, a lot still will.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A Lesson In Patience

It's hard to believe that my husband will have been unemployed one month to the day on Saturday. It's hard to believe that for all of the jobs that he has applied for nothing, has made it official yet, that is until today.

And now he has two job offers. Two. Which sounds all kinds of awesome, except for the wife who worries. And if you want to meet her, well, she is the one who's going to write this post today.

She's the one who worries that everything won't work out and that the rent will be due and that will mean money pulled out of the savings account that she doesn't want to touch, for fear that we will need that money later. Even though technically we need it now. So she's the freak who is writing this post today.

Amazingly so I, er she, hasn't been as freaked out about this unemployment period as she should have been, as she typically would have been. She has tried to remain calm and not panic. Yet as the days continue to pass, and with two offers on the table (one of which has no been turned down), she feels the need to panic. Because what if...

-something goes wrong and they change their mind
-he doesn't pass the physical
-he doesn't really like the job
-I don't really like his job

And the list goes on and on. She's trying to be patient. She's trying to trust God for a change instead of pushing her husband into taking the safe route. She's trying.

This job, well, it's kinda the job that dreams are made of. It's making more money than the job he lost. It's for a good, solid company, with some excellant benefits. It offers the possibility of promotions and a career instead of just a job, and let's face it, I'm (so is she) a find a career job, not just a paycheck. Because every job that I've had, I've loved. Could be why I've had so few jobs in my life, I've been lucky, very lucky. They like him enough, that they are already thinking of promotions for him, based on his experience and him. she talked, via text message to a good friend last week, and her response was "God is good!"

Yes, yes he is. The job is amazing. He has orientation on Monday at 10am. So the job is basically his. Just one more hurdle to overcome. One that I'm hoping will open his eyes to some other areas of his life that need some attention and some work as well.

Heck, it's some areas that my her life chould use as well.

It's funny, I've felt God's presence in my life more in the last month than I think I have my entire life. Sure, I've felt his precense in the weeks after my grandfather died, and the weeks that Papa laid in the hospital, waiting. But instead of comfort, it was peace and a lack of worry that I was given. I'm pretty sure that last Friday I heard laughter and the voice that had an "I told you so" quality about it telling me "See what happens when you let go of things and let me take care of it."

Point taken.

Then for half a moment I wondered just how different my life would be, if I could give my infertility away like that. I've wondered a dozen or more times if that little girl that I've dreamed about might be a reality by now, if I had just been patient, and had more faith in God's timing instead of my desire for right this minute.

I've also learned that it's ok that I haven't given up on her. That voice reassured me that "I'm not supposed too" give up on her just yet.

*Note to the family reading this - no, I'm not pregnant. No, I'm not going to be attempting to get pregnant. But I know that I'm not holding on to that little girl so tightly that I'm missing out on the child I could have if I would fill out the adoption paperwork. I believe with all my heart that isn't what we are supposed to do. So I'm not giving up, I'm just going to keep going. Like I've done every single day for that last 6 years. I'm going to hope, that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day

This post is going to be short and sweet, and too the point. I have way to much homework to deal with for a real love fest. I'm not, feeling the love from my professors, the jerks.

This year I'm reminded of the post I wrote about Valentine's Day last year 2010.

See, this year, my husband has now been unemployed for 3 weeks. I'm thankful that in previous years we have been able to do a little something for each other on Valentine's Day, even if it was just Hallmark and candy. This year, however, thanks to my part time only gig, and still having utilities and truck payments and the need for groceries, we agreed that we would do nothing that cost money. Because the bank doesn't appreciate my offer to pay them in candy in order to keep my truck.

The funny thing is, I'm ok with that. This year, already beat last year's Valentines Day all up. See, I was sitting in a cold classroom, waiting to begin a Marketing exam (that I wasn't feeling very confident about), when I noticed a text message from my husband, asking me to be his valentine. I melted. Literally. His sweet message this morning was enough to calm the butterflies that seemed to be doing the cha-cha in my stomach. I managed to relax enough that I actually felt better about that exam than I did when I walked in.

Then I got to work, with an almost repeat of something equally sweet on facebook. Granted, I'm not posting pictures of flowers and other floral displays on like most of my friends on facebook are. And that's ok.

Because my Valentine's Day will top theirs and grind it into a little greasy spot on the pavement.

I'll have a home cooked meal, that he has put effort into. Something yummy for dessert, that was all his doing. I'll have the dishes washed and put away and the kitchen cleaned up for the night, so that I can study for a test that I have tomorrow. I'll have dessert later that will be a surprise, because I'll be so wrapped up in doing homework and studying that I loose track of time.

Then tonight, when we go to bed and I apologize (like I do most nights) that he has taken on so much while I go to school, he will tell me that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind. That he knows I will do well on the test tomorrow and that he loves me and how very proud of me that he is.

I would love to share that with facebook, but it's not as flashy, it's not at all something to show off to the world that he loves me. At least not in something that can be physically seen or touched.

Instead it's all mine, I don't have to share it on facebook or let the guys I work with harass me about it. I get to share it with the one person who truly matters to me.

His love is simply there, in everything he does, whether he means for it to be or not. It’s there. The flowers, the cards, the candy they don't mean anything. Sure the sentiment is nice, but right now, I'm content to have less. To be doing less this year for each other, to be reminded that there are things more important than flowers and extravagance. Then I think about John's cousin, who is spending this day without his wife, and I realize that in having less, I really do have more.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Saying Goodbye

This year has already been an eventful year for our family. We had hoped that this year wouldn't hold as much sorrow as last year had. With the loss of both of John's grandparents 2011 was a year we were ready to move away from, and hopefully towards a brighter 2012.

Apparently God had other plans. In fact, here lately I here laughter in my head when I start making plans for the future. Deep, belly laughs. The kind that involve tears streaming down the face, gasping for air, and a slight trickle down your leg. Not that I would know anything about the trickle. But still laughter.

This past week has been the first time that my own mortality has been so deeply affected. John's cousin's wife took her own life on Tuesday. She would have been 32 on February 25th, 4 days before John's birthday.

32. She was my age. She was also a police officer, and let's face it, we often think about police officers as being tough, impenetrable, unbreakable. It was hard to watch her husband grieve openly. He didn't try to hide his emotions when they overwhelmed him. He just grieved. It was beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

Last week, a few days after we learned of her death, I was headed to school. Thinking about her husband and son that she left behind and thinking about how angry I was that everyone was blaming her for being selfish for taking her own life. That she never thought about her husband or son, when in fact, I know without a doubt that they were all that she was thinking about.

See, I think that suicide isn't a selfish act, but a selfless. Granted the people that are left behind are deeply hurt, they want to understand but can't. They have questions that will never be answered. But I have no doubt in my mind, that as she ended her own life, that she thought that she was leaving their world a better place.

I've never contemplated ending my own life. But I have contemplated walking out of my life. There were months when we stopped infertility treatments that I just simply wanted to walk away from my husband and my family. I stayed up at night thinking about how easy it would be to pack my stuff leave a little note on the table by the door and leave. His life would have been so much better without me in it, without me not being able to give him a child of his own. Or so I thought. Thankfully, I didn't do it. But in the midst of all of that, I never not once, thought about how that would let me off the hook. It was about how much better it would have been for everyone else.

But, no matter what, no matter how much this has sucked, there have been a handful of beautiful moments this past week.

See today, was also Papa's birthday. So this week was already going to be difficult enough. I had dreaded today for his birthday, and then for D's funeral.

I'm going to skip around here, not to confuse, but simply because it will end better this way. Trust me.

Today at D's funeral, and also at her wedding, was the song that helped John and I both survive some hard days and moments after Papa's death. The irony of that was, that the song was also played at D's wedding to John's cousin.A wedding that for some unknown reason, John and I didn't attend. Go here to listen to the song before you keep reading.  I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.

The moment the beginning notes of the music began, my stomach dropped. I love that song, but like I said, it has some other meanings to us both. I knew John was thinking the same thing I was, as his hand gripped mine. Yet, as the second verse began I realized that the following story, made so much more sense and gave me the peace that I needed to make it through today, through Papa's birthday and now D's funeral with some form of comfort.

See, last week, I'm not sure what I was doing, or were I was going, because just as suddenly as the image popped into my head, it was gone almost as quickly.

It's like I was watching a TV, or a play. Except, I knew those voices, and those people sitting at the table.

There was this gorgeous table sitting in this room with all these chairs around it. The table had a nice shine to it, and some nicks from thousands of plates and meals eaten at that table. Pictures had been colored there, bread kneaded, it was a well used, well loved table. Around this table I see John's MeMa sitting there talking with her son, Papa, and B (D's husband's sister). They are laughing about something. It must have been incredibly funny, because they are all laughing, one of those gut wrenching, leaves you gasping for breath and the slightest gasp for a neighbor has you laughing even harder. Slightly behind them, almost as if she has walked into the room in the middle of a moment that she shouldn't have interrupted stands D, looking very unsure about what she is doing there and like she is in the wrong place at the wrong moment. The laughter dies down, Papa turns and looks over his shoulder and see's her standing there, so unsure of herself. He stands up and smiles at her and stretches his arms out and says "I've been waiting for you." As she walks into his arms. She knows, just like I do that she is exactly where she is supposed to be.

That they are both exactly where they should be.

Friday, February 10, 2012

5 Question Friday

Here lately when I type in the address to bring me to my blog my fingers keep hitting "40" instead of "30". I wonder if that's the universe reminding me that I'm getting old. Or if it is just bad typing skills when not using the numeric keypad.

It's been a long week. The hubs still doesn't have a job. We are hoping for an offer next week. He has interviewed with several companies. I'm trying not to worry too much about it. I'm trying to be thankful that we have some money saved that will buy us some time. We also have plans that will start being implemented towards the end of next week if he hasn't gotten a job. Like adding a roommate to help with paying the rent and utilities. It's not the ideal situation, but it's better than moving.

Tomorrow we will celebrate the life of my husband's cousin's wife, Diane that passed away earlier this week. It broke my heart to know that she would have been 32 the end of the month. Her life was so very, very short. More on that next week. I have an interesting thought process that I had the other morning. Which we will blame on a lack of sleep, and too much homework.

1. How often do you shave your legs in the winter?

I'm one of those crazy, weird people. I shave Rain or shine, sickness or health. My legs are removed of hair each day. My armpits are a whole 'nother story.
See, I have super sensitive skin, and shaving my under arms on a daily basis, I'm pretty sure that after day 3 I would die from the agony.
They itch, they hurt, I get razor burn or something else, that is just unnatural. So I only shave those when I can feel the hairs when I'm taking a shower, it comes out to about every 3-4 days.
I know that right now your thinking that is tons of hair, but amazingly so, I was blessed with sparseness in that area. I hope the older I get, the balder my arm pits get. That would be a bonus.

2. Valentine's Day cards for your spouse: funny or romantic?

Here's the deal. We often don't do cards for Valentine's Day. And the cards usually depend on how things have been going in our relationship. If we are having lots of fun and been on a goofy kick, we lean more towards the funny.

However, if we haven't been seeing each other, or if we have been really busy, we put more effort into the cards and what they say, and what we want to convey.

This year - the only Valentine he is getting is one written on the mirror. But I do have plans for an awesome dinner planned. Since we can't really afford to go out to eat to some where extravagant.

3. What are you most looking forward to about spring?

The warmer weather. The green brown that will continue through the spring thanks to the drought. I love the flowers, the birds chirping, the return of flip flops and capri's.

I love the pastel colors. I just love it all.

4. What's your favorite way to pamper yourself?

Not do homework. Read. Take a bubble bath. Take a nap on a random afternoon. I'm not much on pedicures or massages.

New clothes helps too. Usually because I'm cheap, hate to shop, and rarely buy new clothes.

5. Does your tax return go into savings or do you spend it instantly?
The last couple of years we have used our tax return for other purchases. Not instantly. We bought some new furniture last year, and part of the money went towards that. This year we had plans for some of our return, but not all of it.
We were going to take care of a few things that we have been neglecting to get done. Like a diagnostic on my car for a sensor issue. A 2nd TV in our house, so that my husband could have a man cave while I studied, but then I ended up turning his man cave into my office, where I study. So yeah. Maybe I hadn't thought that through completely.
With the jobless husband situation our tax return may go to help pay the bills. I hope not, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to avoid moving in with the parents or the inlaws.
Have a happy weekend!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

When it rains...

It seems like here lately all I do is post the stuff that is going wrong in my life.

Here lately there seems to be a lot of that.

My heart is heavy today. My brain is unorganized and my thoughts are scattered.

A family is missing their wife and mother.

Others are missing a friend.

Prayers for the family would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Just a few updates on things I've mentioned in the last month.

- John is still looking for a job. Say a prayer for him to find one soon. We are accepting donations.

- Granny is better and back at home. She does have a tumor on the lining of her brain, however, thankfully it is not malignant. They will be doing some radiation treatment that they have had huge success rates with. She won't loose her hair, as the type of treatment they are doing has very low side effects if any.

- School is crazy.

- There is way too much homework.

- Woke up the morning feeling icky, apparently I used my "get out of writing an actual blog post post" a day too soon.

- I could use a nap, but I don't think my boss would approve. Although he is currently snoring in his office, so perhaps what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

- I'm working on a couple of ideas for some weekly recurring themes around here.

- I have the worst luck with giveaways on my blog, sometimes they just won't go away.

- My niece is doing ok. She is seeing a counselor that is helping her to deal with everything going on in her life right now. So is her brother. We still are worried for her and about her, but she seems to be more resilient than we are.

- February is turning out to be a busy month between school and other obligations, that I'm thinking of officially starting a Spring Break countdown.

Well, I think that about sums it up. There wasn't a whole lot that went on around here, but I always hate when bloggers mention something and then never update about it. That's always the stuff that keeps me up at night. Well that and homework.

Monday, February 6, 2012

These are a few of my favorite things

I swore that I would try not to neglect this little blog anymore, simply because I wasn't in the mood. Well, today, I'm not in the mood. I'm tired, I'm grouchy, and I'm most certainly not in the mood to write a sarcastic blog post. Especially when most of what I want to do involves a nap.

So, because that's the case, and because I don't have much other excitement going on right now. I'm going to share a few of my most visited places on the world wide web.

Tasty Kitchen - I use this when I just want ideas. There are tons of recipes for just about every single thing that you can imagine. I have made tons of recipes off this site and they are always wonderful and mouthwatering and leave us begging for more.

Pinterest - I have found some amazing recipes and amazing blogs through this handy little time waster. Not only can your friends help you find amazing recipes, pictures, tutorials, even crochet patterns, but you can repin your favorites and help your friends find things that you love to cook, bake, or even make!

Taste of Home - What can I say, I subscribe to a couple of the magazines because they just have some amazing recipes.

Picky Palate - Three words. Oh Em Gee! She has the weirdest recipes, probably known to man. But I don't care. They are amazing. They are rich. They are so hard to not hoard them from your husband and not tell him where you hid the leftovers. Not that I've done that.  Much.

The Pioneer Woman - She is funny. She can cook some amazingly, decadent, wonderful food. She lives on a farm. It's like my childhood with humor.

Kevin and Amanda - She can cook some amazing stuff. She gives great blog tutorials, photography tutorials, and heck, even cooking tutorials. She shares amazing finds and just neat little gadgets. She is funny, yet, sweet and personable at the same time. She is my go-to person for blog questions.

Lauren - She shares her life and her beautiful daughter Taylor, as well as her green beans. When I'm having a day where all I want to do is feel sorry for myself for not having a baby, I read Lauren's blog. Her faith, her life, her daughter are all an inspiration.

Amanda - She is an infertility survivor. Her story is amazing. She and her husband adopted a beautiful little girl. Her story is full of hope and joy.

Kit - She blogs about sex in the real married world. Well, the mostly real married world. She's snarky and funny and sarcastic. And if it were possible, I would like to borrow half of her self confidence and audacity, and I might be cool after all of that.

Enjoy! Hopefully I'll be more up to the task of an actual post tomorrow.

Friday, February 3, 2012

5 Question Friday

Thank goodness for weekends! It's been a very long week, so I'm thankful that for the next two days I don't have to go to work or to school.

Things are still crazy around here. Hubs still has no job (prayers would be appreciated). He is branching out next week, so hopefully something will pop up soon.

Granny is doing better. More updates on her next week

Things are going better, I just keep repeating that. But if you would still say some prayers for us, I would most certainly appreciate it. I'll give better updates next week!

1. What have you done recently that you are proud of?

Last semester I only did what I had to do in order to maintain my grades. I didn't do the things suggested, like reading chapters that we covered in lectures. This semester, I have actually put forth the effort.

The second thing is trying harder to watch what I eat. It's not optional. And I've put forth more effort the last week than I have before, and I'm really hoping to try harder the next week.
2. What is your favorite way to work out? Or if you don't workout, what are you wanting to try?

Does napping count as a workout? Actually my girlfriend does the Beach Body stuff, and she has gotten me addicted to kickboxing. At least when I do it. I usually manage to get a few workouts in then I get sick. So I'm not real consistent, but I do love it. It's such a great stress reliever, especially when you imagine that you are kicking their butt into oblivion.

3. If you knew you best friend was cheating on spouse would you tell?

Yes. It would kill me, but yes. It's going to hurt them anyway, but I wouldn't want to be the last one to find out. I would be as angry at my friends as I would be at my spouse. So if your my friend take note, if you cheat on your spouse, I will tell on you. There are a few exceptions, but they are few and far between.

4. If you could afford a live-in maid or nanny, would you have one?

A maid. Oh yes. Someone who cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, maybe even some homework every now and then. Probably not live in. You know, unless they had their own wing. But otherwise, sign me up. Send the bill somewhere else.

5. Do you stress out about birthdays (specifically the age) or do you enjoy them?

I didn't used too, but the older I get the more I try to forget how old I actually am. Some days I have to used the calculator, because I can't remember if I'm still 27 or not. Thanks to Mama for pointing out that 35 is halfway to 70. That means my life will be halfway over by the time I graduate from college. Thanks.

And, a bonus question from Scott, that I wasn't brave enough to put in as a regular question...answer at your own risk, or not at all! (Or something...)

Bonus: Lights off or on?
If your a parent, friend or someone else that doesn't want to answer the question this is the getting off point for you. Have a Happy Weekend.
If you keep reading your eyes are likely to be scarred for life.
Turn back now, before it's too late.
I'm in what we joke around our house as "summer session." My husband used to have a job that was very seasonal, during the hot, summer months he was very, very busy. One year I was dropping hints about some mattress action when he quickly informed me that this was his summer schedule to get used to the lack of mattress action.
Right now your wondering what point all of that serves.
Well, I'm busy with homework, work, school and other obligations that often times I'm ran pretty thin and here are some things that just aren't a priority, like mattress action.
So when I do find the time for some mattress action, it doesn't matter if the lights are on or off, or if the neighbors are home of if the dogs watch. It doesn't even matter if the neighbors are in are living room. Which is probably why they won't come to dinner anymore.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Job Duties: Approximately 4 loads of laundry per week; this includes gathering, washing, folding and putting away. Cleaning 1 bathroom. Cleaning of 1 smallish kitchen. Dusting. Vacuuming as well as mopping of said bathroom and kitchen. You must also have a job that currently pays you at least $200,000 per year that you contribute to our GDP. You must cook meals that I preapprove of. You must do all grocery shopping, using extreme couponing methods (gotta save money). If I don't feel like sitting through a class today, you should also be able to go in my absence. You should also always know all the material well enough to take exams and pass them with a minimum grade of a B. At night, when I've had a really hard day I would appreciate a massage and a hot bath. You should be flexible enough to be available to meet my every need, even if that need occurs at 2am and again at 4am.

Would like someone who doesn't mind watching Friends, CSI, Army Wives, and The Food Network. Must love dogs and be willing to housebreak any new additions to our family.

Cat and other rodent owners need not apply.

Please send your resume and references to my email. We have a smallish room that has a spare chair that will be your sleeping quarters (it also doubles as my office) but I will be courteous enough to try to not study while you sleep.

Thank you.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Finding Faith

Last Friday I posted the following post on Facebook: ""And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands, For You are who You are no matter where I am, And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand, You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." ~Casting Crowns. Send us a few extra prayers today, we have hit a bump in the road and could use some additional strength."

Then on Monday, well you can read about the tragedy that our family endured over the weekend.

Then yesterday, we got more news, that we could have lived without. John's grandmother, Granny, has a mass on her brain.

For about half a second I wanted to cry.

My husband's unemployed, my beautiful niece's heartache, and now Granny.

Yet, as I sat in the truck with my husband, this immense feeling of peace washed over me. It was as if I had taken a breath and blew all of that stuff out and everything was perfect again.

Then I wanted to laugh. Pure laughter, not sarcasm, not because it was the only thing going to keep me from having a meltdown in our driveway, but simply because the thought of that old saying that "God will never give you more than you can bear" popped into my head.

Apparently, I can handle all of this. It's no big deal. God has faith that I can handle this.

So that got the wheels turning and had me wondering, if His faith in me is great enough that I can handle, working full time, school full time, husband's unemployment, nieces situation, Granny, then shouldn't that faith in Him to get us through all of this be twice as large, if not larger?

Sure, I felt silly laughing and joking with my husband about "bringing it", not that I was asking God for more sorrow or heartache, but that I was just so impressed by God's faith in our strength, in my strength. So we laughed, and we both knew that no matter what, everything was still ok. If not even good.

We have a place to live, a car, we are both healthy, I'm still employed. We have so much, and there are some with so little, that it's not unreasonable to have these moments of joy in the midst of unhappiness and trials and life lessons, or whatever you want to call this.

Sure, I have moments where I panic, but they are moments. There are moments of worry, but it's not constant. Because every single time that those thoughts pop up, I have prayed. Some days there have been a lot, and other days, just a few. I've asked for my husband to find a job he loves, I've asked that my niece find peace, I've asked that Granny's mass be something simple and easy to fix. I've asked for the strength to wipe the worry out of my mind so that I can focus on homework.

I'm simply putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that we can learn something from this, that I can learn something from this. There is a blessing in here somewhere. I just have to find it.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11


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