Monday, October 24, 2011

Dean's List

So I'm only like a month late, but I've been busy, you know doing homework. Trying to make the Dean's List next semester, again and probably failing misreably.

So yeah, I totally made the Dean's List. Barely, but it still counts.

I was walking out of History of Rock and Roll when I got the email. I had made the Dean's List. My very first semester in college in 12 years.

I needed that. I earned that. But I still needed it.

This semester I have been bogged down. I'm still trying to deal with losing Papa, which hit me a lot harder than I anticipated. Plus I have October to deal with and that reminds me of the grandparents that celebrate birthday's this month, that I'm celebrating without them. And Christmas and with the past few months of family issues with the in-laws, this semester has been draining. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Last semester was draining too, but it was more a "I'm too old, too fat, too stupid, to be going to college". It was hard on someone who doesn't like doing things alone to, in fact learn how to do things alone. It was hard learning how to ask for help. It was awesome seeing the final grades, knowing that I had survived my first semester.

Yet this semester, I don't enjoy many of my classes. They aren't things that interest me, I don't like most of my instructors, and I find myself having a "I don't care attitude". So that reception, that honor, meant a lot to me. It proved to me that I can do anything I want to do. Anything. All I have to do it.

So many of my friends made the Dean's list and blew off my accomplishment, as "no big deal". But to someone who hadn't stepped foot inside a classroom in 12 years, to someone who worked full time and went to college, it was a big deal. It is a big deal. And I earned it.

I went to the cheesy reception and all. I got my gorgeous certificate and I'm very proud of it, and the hard work it took to get there.

Hopefully it won't be my only cheesy reception. I'm hoping to be sitting in that seat next semester. So I probably better go hit the books.

Friday, October 21, 2011

5 Question Friday

I'm so glad that this week is in the books. It's been a tough week to stay focused and on top of things while I have still felt icky. So glad that things to appear to be on the mend.

No big plans this weekend, I have a Spanish exam on Monday and a calculus exam next Thursday, so my weekend will be filled with...wait for it...STUDYING!!! Yeah, still not thrilled about it.

I'm not planning on much, simply so I can try and finish kicking this yucky gunk I've been fighting to the curb. Good news is all that sickness and no appetite/everything tastes yucky, I've managed to lose 5 pounds in the last week for a grand total of 11 pounds in 2 weeks. So part of me kinda wants it to hang around. Just for the weight loss.

Sad, but true. What we chunky people will do to lose a few pounds.

Have a good weekend!

1. Where do you escape to when you've had enough?

I cry. When I hit rock bottom, I cry. It's what I do. Then I clean. Because cleaning and scrubbing gives me time to think whatever is stressing me out over and it gives me a chance to figure out a new way to approach things. Plus I get a clean house as a bonus. But we are talking serious cleaning, like scrubbing the grout lines with a toothbrush and organizing every nook, cranny, and crevice. So my husband knows when something is bugging me, and thankfully he either pitches in or hides. But he never questions. He's probably afraid that I'll pin him down and scrub him too.

2. What shows are you watching this fall?

Well, see, when I decided to become a "real" full time college student, I sorta had to cut TV down to the bare minimum. So I have tons of stuff on the DVR, most of which will probably be deleted before I ever get around to watching it. I kept CSI, Criminal Minds, The Pioneer Woman, and The Little Couple. There are other things that are DVRed, but those are the only ones that I attempt to watch on a semi regular basis. Everything else can wait until Christmas break, or I'll delete it.

3. What was the longest roadtrip you've ever taken and where did you go?

Minnesota. Oh my. In a bus with no a/c in the middle of July with 25 other teenagers. It took us 2 days. It was miserable. Because of the hot, but the trip itself was awesome. We worked as youth counselors at a camp in Minnesota for a week with our church youth group. That week opened all of our eyes to the suffering that goes on for other kids and people in the world. We all went home changed.

4. Do you plan on taking your kids to Disney World?

Nope, I'm not paying for a ticket for a dog. I love my puppies, but no. Now, my husband and I would both love to go. And I'm willing to pay for his ticket.

That might be an awesome way to celebrate our 15th Wedding Anniversary. Disney Style. It would be cool. It would be groovy.

I think I just might have to look into that.

5. What is something people would surprised to know about you?
*That I'm not much of a junk food person.
*That I don't like speaking to or in front of large groups of people I don't know.
*That it takes me a while to warm up to you, but once I do, I don't shut up.
*I like things to be done my way, and if you don't do it my way, I will often redo it when you aren't looking so that it's done "right".
*I don't like to shop. I like new clothes, but I hate the process of acquiring them. I have to be in the right frame of mind to shop.
*I don't like to get up and eat breakfast like everyone says you should. I like to get up and eat breakfast about 90 minutes after I get up. But I won't get up early enough so that I can do this while still at home.
*I like frilly clothes, lace, ribbon, bows. Yet, I'm not so frilly that I don't mind playing with cars in the dirt.
*It takes me 30 minutes to take a shower, get dressed, fix my hair, put on makeup and be ready to walk out the door. It takes me longer to take a shower than any of the rest of that process.
So you got more than one. Consider it a bonus look into my head. Probably one that you are wishing you could undo right about now.
Have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'm alive...and coughing

Well, I know that I've been MIA for almost a week now.  I finally caved and went to the doctor last Friday night (after my Dean's List reception (read about that next week)). I figured that it was going to be bad. My ear hurt, my throat hurt, I had an awful cough, I was just miserable in general.

Instead I left with a shot in the hip and 2 infections. Sinus and Upper Respiratory. Beautiful. So a $35 co-pay and $76 in drugs later.

And lots of sleepless nights and general feeling like poo.

I'm sorta better. I still have this lingering cough, but for the most part, today, I feel almost normal. Almost.

I still have no appetite, nothing tastes like it should, and my asthma is pissed at me for not going to the doctor that it stages random revolts, but other than that. I'm good.

I'm feeling good enough that my husband has been sending me suggestive text messages all day about a marital summit in our bedroom tonight and I haven't been telling him that the building is being repaired.

Now, I'm off to do calculus homework! I'll see you tomorrow for 5 Question Friday!

Friday, October 14, 2011

5 Question Friday

I'm still sick and instead of getting better, I think I now have an ear infection. So my Friday evening will be spent sitting in the walk in clinic getting the good drugs. Hopefully they are ninja drugs, because whatever this stuff is deserves to have it's butt kicked.

No big plans this weekend, mostly because I have a ton of homework due Saturday and Sunday. So I will spend most of my weekend doing homework. Fun. Or not. Hopefully I'll also be feeling better.

Today, however, I'm going to a reception this afternoon honoring me. For making the Dean's List. My first semester of college in 12 years and I pulled that off. Yeah, don't worry, I'm not sure how I did it either.

1. Do you prefer your ice cream in a bowl or in a cone?

That depends. Every now and then a yummy waffle cone is fabulous. But the regular old sugar cones. No thanks. I try to be home when I'm to that point and give my dogs the cardboard flavored sugar.

Otherwise I'm a bowl girl.

2. What three things do you love the smell of?

Rain, Scentsy, my husband's cologne.

I have loved the way that rain smells since I was a kid. My favorite rain smell memory: I was about 7 or 8 and I was outside riding my bike and my grandfather was watering the orchard. It was getting dark and starting to thunder, so I headed back to the house. My grandfather and I sat outside for the longest time just smelling the rain. I was always asking questions about why this and why that and I remember asking him why rain smelled. I can't remember his answer, but I remember sitting there with the wind blowing and that smell.

Any of my favorite Scentsy Scents are awesome. (Power girl - you still haven't picked out your free warmer!)

And my husband just smells yummy. It makes me want to chase him down and rip his clothes off and ....sniff. (Mind out of gutter.)

3. Giftcards or no? (In regards to gift giving...)

Absolutely. It's the perfect gift. Especially if you get one to a place they like. They pick out the gift, and their happy and your happy that they are really happy and not fake happy.

Plus they are helpful when your a busy college student and don't have time to shop like they used too before school.

4. What sports did you play in high school if any and do you still play them?

I was a band nerd.
I'm not competitive enough to have the drive to play sports. I don't like coaches being bossy to me either. Yeah, I was that kid that was out in the field chasing butterflies. In Jr. High.

5. Were you in band in high school? What instrument did you play?

I was a band nerd. Hello, my name is Abby and I'm a band geek. I'm that person, "And this one time at band camp..." Yep that's me. Hi! (Waves)

And no, I don't still play. I sold my clarinet many, many moons ago. I don't miss it.

UPDATE: Good news. Went to the doctor. Got drugs. Back to normal by Monday. Yeah!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Positive Thinking

A couple of weeks ago, I was misreable. My head felt like it was being squeezed in a vice, my sinuses felt like that were going to explode great big green goo, and my eyes, well, let's just say I know why chihuahua dogs eye balls stick out like that do. Blasted sinus pressure!

So I did what any rational adult does. I whined about it on facebook.

Because I'm lazy and I feel like I'm thisclose from death, I won't go back and find the exact quote, but here is the high points.

"Dear Sinus Infection, I'm really busy right now and can't handle any sickness. I'm free Oct. 8-11, Nov 23-27 and anytime after December 13th. Can we please work something out and reschedule? Thanks, your host."

I woke up the next morning feeling much better, which was great because I had a test a few days later and I didn't want it to be taken under the influence of sinus medication.

So my body didn't exactly get the details right, and waited until Sunday for the ickiness to start in. Asthma, runny nose, cough.

Oh great.

After a jog through the rain, and sitting in wet clothes for 2 hours, I figured I was kinda screwed, but still. How's that for coincidence. The weekend that I say I'm free to diseases, I'm actually sick.

So no more joking about rescheduling diseases and infections. Nope. Now, it's I won't ever be sick. I won't ever be sick. I won't ever be sick. Ok that's probably not realistic, so how about, I will be awesome tomorrow because I have class from 9am to 3:30pm. I will not be the sneezy, snotty, sore throat, cough infested person that I am today. I will be 100% better tomorrow.

How's that for positive thinking.

Send prayers too, just in case. And I'll take cold medicine too, because let's face it, I want to breathe today too.

Monday, October 10, 2011


*If you haven't done so, please read yesterday's post Puzzling, in order to fully grasp the story behind today's post.

Have I lowered my expectations of God?

I tell people that God can do anything. And I believe that he can. In their lives. I've witnessed miracles in other people's lives, and even in my own. I've witnessed my grandfather, whom doctor's told us wouldn't make it through the night, live another 11 years. I've witnessed a good friend's daughter, born very, very early not only survive the first few weeks of her life, but thrive as a happy 5 year old. I've witnessed a wreck that changed my husband's life, not completely destroy him.

Yet I'm not 100% sure that I haven't "given up". I didn't get the results that I wanted, so I just assumed that it wasn't meant to be. That it wasn't the way that things were planned to go. That the grand design of my life, just meant I wasn't supposed to have a child of my own.

Instead, today, I'm questioning whether I gave up. If I simply got tired of the drugs, the emotions, the everything and gave up.

After debating about it, I know that I was the one who lowered their expectations. I know that after the 3rd round of drugs (and the craziness that went with that) that I was tired. I was beaten, I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand to do the treatments. They had taken a toll emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. I was tired. I was tired of hoping for a miracle, praying that this month would be "the" month. I was tired.

To be honest, I'm not even sure my marriage would have survived. We were both so tired of performing and we were so drained financially that it wasn't even funny. I think that my head knew that my heart needed a break. That I needed to figure out what Plan B was going to be. Because let's face it. There wasn't ever an option for Plan A to not go as planned. We were going to get pregnant. There simply hadn't been any other alternative. Then when Plan A wasn't going the way I envisioned it, I just didn't know what to do or where to go anymore. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

So for months I wallowed in self pity. I had gained weight, I couldn't give my husband the child that he wanted, I was useless. It took months to crawl out from under that. It took months for me to realize that I had more to offer than my ability to get knocked up.

Did I quit believing that God could perform miracles? No. I just didn't believe that He was going to hand one out in our case. I didn't believe that I was going to get pregnant.

Did I lower my expectations? Maybe. I honestly don't know. I know that in the weeks and months, and even as I type this, I wonder if I gave up too easily. I wonder if I quit fighting. I'll always have that to wonder about though. Would one more treatment have done it? Would something different have done it? I don't know. I probably won't ever know the answers to those questions.

I know I stopped hoping. That I gave up. But unless you've been there done that, you can't begin to imagine the hope that you put out while you wait on hold for the results of a blood pregnancy test. I held my breath. I gripped the phone, I prayed. I begged, I tried not to cry. I tried to imagine getting the good news. Instead of the apologetic voice on the other end of the phone telling you that your results were negative that they would transfer to scheduling to set up your next appointment. Now, I can imagine how much those people who scheduled those appointments hated their job. Because I know that I can't be the only one who choked back tears while they were on the phone.

My expectations weren't met, but they certainly don't feel like they have been lowered.  Instead I feel like they are higher now than they were then.

I had to come up with Plan B. I had to figure out how I was going to spend the rest of my life now that I wasn't going to have a child's needs to deal with.

My expectations today, are high. I expect a lot out of myself. I expect to get good grades in school. I expect to study hard. I expect to help cook dinner. I expect my husband to be there to cheer me on. If any of that doesn't happen, I will certainly be disappointed, but at the same time, most of those, the fault is with me. I don't expect God to drop a baby on my doorstep (a million dollars yes, a baby, no(kidding)). I don't expect to ever get pregnant. If I do it will be a miracle. And I'm pretty sure that if it's going to happen, it will be a miracle.

The only thing I think I lowered is hope. I have forgotten how to fully hope and believe that something will work out the way I want it too. I just can't find it in myself to hope. At least for a baby.

Even though my hope is definitely lower, my expectations of getting pregnant are too. However, I do know, that if by some miracle I were to get pregnant, God would be the only one who had anything to do with it.

Monday, October 3, 2011


Have you ever put together a puzzle? You have all these pieces of various shapes and you are trying to make them fit together to make one glorious picture. And the bragging rights that come with having the patience to see it through until the end.

My husband and I have recently started attending church on a regular basis again.

I know, I know. This is something that we should have been doing anyway, but sometimes, we needed the rest more often than we needed to get up early on a Sunday morning. Selfish - absolutely. Did we miss going? More than you can imagine.

Apparently going to church is good blogging material. *Note to self - go to church more = less writer's block.

Got it!

Yet, sometimes church is a painful reminder of what is missing in our life. They talked yesterday, often of raising children. And as I squirmed in my seat and looked around the room, I wondered if there was someone else in the room who could relate. Or if we were the only ones there. I imagined their discomfort. I watched the young, unmarried guy sitting to our left, and the young unmarried girl sitting next to me, and I wondered, as they both set there listening intently if they had any idea how life could be so cruel. You could see them both mentally making notes about their future children. And all I could think about was "if you only knew".

Neither one of them have any guarantees that they will have a child. One of them might just find themselves in our boat.

See we are that one piece of the puzzle that you are sure fits right "there", and you turn it and turn it and try to make it fit, but nothing lines up like it should, there are gaps, there are pegs where holes are supposed to be. We can't relate, and instead of actually listening to everything that our pastor said this morning, I only half way paid attention. Because all I could think about what how I would never fit.

We can't won't go to Sunday School, because the college class is too old for both of us, the newly married - well, we will be married 12 years this year, so I'm pretty sure we are past that stage. Well, the next stage - young families. Then parents of students. Then the golden oldies. They discuss parenting and raising children. It's hard enough to walk into Tar.get and see the tiny Halloween costumes and not remember what I'm missing out on, let alone sit through and participate in a class that I can't relate too.

So all the while I'm sitting there, thinking about what great parents we would make, and how I wish that the pastor would understand that not every single person in his congregation can relate. Some of us will never have to raise a child to obey Jesus. Some will never have that opportunity.

The bad thing is that, me, being me, wants to fit. I want the puzzle piece to just magically fall into place. I want to be able to not sit there and think about how I can't relate and how much that sucks. I want to be able to follow through and look into adoption. I want to have a child of my own. I don't want to be that one piece of the puzzle that feels like an "outsider" or that I'm some how flawed.

Yes, I realize that I'm not "flawed", that it's just all part of the grand scheme of things, but at the same time, it would be nice to not feel like an outsider, because I can't relate. I realize that it's not intentional, it's just a fact of life.

Thankfully, at some point, my attention focused back in on what the pastor was saying. If my husband wasn't "busy" with something else that the pastor was doing, I probably would have walked out. Because it's a profound thought. He was using an analogy about how we have lower expectations for ourselves, for our children and he questioned whether or not we had the same issue with God.

Have I lowered my expectations of God?

Read tomorrow's post for that answer. Bring tissues. It's a tear jerker.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...