Sometimes Different is Just Different

I'm 7 days into my no school vacation. 12 more days until Summer school begins. It's not nearly enough of a break. But, I refuse to spend the next 12 days whining, at least here about school. Well, I'll try not to whine much.

I had big plans this semester. I wanted to be able to have a life and go to school and work. I swear I keep finding out more ways that this whole process doesn't work than it does. I can't seem to find a groove where I don't feel like I'm giving something up or missing out on something, yet as time continues to march forward, I honestly don't can't remember what I'm fighting for or towards.

This year has been full of suck. If I thought last year was bad, this year makes last year look like a year long vacation at the beach. Perfect weather, no sunburns, my body clad in a bikini and no one puking. Perfect. This year...words cannot even begin to describe the level of suck.

Yet, I can't seem to make myself wish for something different. I can't seem to see myself anywhere else, other than where I am. I can't believe that I would give up the Saturday cookie runs with my sweet friend, who this year was diagnosed with cancer. I can't imagine giving up my Friday nights cooking goodies to share with her and her sweet family. I can't imagine a world where my in-laws were totally awesome. Yet, I've got to the point that I actually prefer their indifference. No more guilt about spending time with my family, and less rubbing in how perfect everyone else is to John and I. My grades aren't what I would like for them to be, yet, I can't imagine giving up more than I feel like I already have to make them completely awesome. Although, I'm quite sure if I would cut the cord to Facebook, I would be fine. It's a great time waster for college students who want to avoid homework. I stalk people I don't even know, and probably wouldn't even like in real life so I can avoid homework. Yet, I can't imagine giving up school, even though most days it feels like it will be a lifetime before I graduate.

So, yeah, I would like things to be different. I would like John's cousin's wife to have not ended her own life. I would like my friend to be well so we could enjoy our hot sauce dates and movie nights. I would like to be finished with school. I'd like my grandfather to be able to sit at my college graduation and watch me get my diploma. Yet, all of the things I would like different, I would miss out on the thought provoking conversations that I've had on a random cookie run. Conversations that, even though she doesn't realize the impact they have had, has caused us to completely change our plans for the future. They have caused us to have conversations and rethink things that we were unsure of before.

If this year has taught me anything it's that sometimes different is just different. It's not any better or any worse than the what's happening in my little world right now, it's just different. So, I guess the saying about if all of the worlds problems were in a pile and you could see what all was going on in other people's lives, you would gladly take your own problems back. Besides, sometimes those problems end up being a blessing, and who can complain about that?

When There Are No Words

I've been going to write a post for the better part of 2 weeks now, it was just one of those things where I didn't know what to write. I didn't know what to think or feel, I'm still not sure.

It's been a helluva year. We were looking forward to moving away from Papa and Grandpa's deaths last year. We were looking forward to starting my second year at Tech. We were looking forward to the summer, and to this week of Spring Break when we were going to take a weekend getaway.

Then everything started to go wrong. Very, very wrong.

John lost his job, we found out some disturbing information about my ex brother in law. My friend Andrea has been sick and in and out of the hospital. My husband's cousin's wife committed suicide. It's just been a cluster. Then my husband finds a job with some crazy hours. I send my sister-in-law a birthday wish and get some serious hate thrown back at me. My friend Andrea is diagnosed with liver cancer. She goes off to Houston and it's actually colon cancer that has spread to her liver and lymph nodes. She's 33. Then it's my dad, who is currently lying in a hospital bed in ICU on a ventilator. Oh and we can't forget the homework and the deadlines and tests and all that has come with going to college. The stresses with a job in an industry that has taken a major hit.

I'm worried about him, about Andrea, but at this point, I'm just numb. At some point in the last month something somewhere has short circuited and I'm just...I don't know.

I've got John's sister actually making an effort with our relationship at the same time his brother's wife is shoving me so far away. Then with everything else, it's amazing that my head is still attached to my body. It's even more amazing that I'm not locked in a padded room in a straight jacket with Prozac being shoved down my throat every few minutes.

I finally think that my husband is more worried about me than about everyone else. Probably because I'm not a cleaning fool like I usually am when life piles it on. I want to, I just don't know which problem to dwell on while I clean. And none of the current issues are ones that can be solved with a clean closet. Most of them are completely and totally out of my hands. There isn't anything I can do, other than try to keep rolling with the punches. Which is maybe the point. I have a tendency to hold on to stuff, and let it pile up until I just have a complete and total meltdown.

I wanted this week to be a vacation, one that only allowed me to work, and getting ready to spoil Andrea and her family when they got home, so that they could ease back into life instead of having it thrown at them. I wanted a breather from stress. Instead, I just had another dosage.

I wanted to ask God, now what? Obviously, I can handle more. But really?  Really. I'm almost positive that I've prayed more in the last 3 months than I have in my entire life. Maybe that's the point too. I've prayed for Andrea and her family, I've prayed for my father to get better so I can kick his butt for getting this sick in the first place, I've prayed that my husband would love his job, I've prayed to let this be enough. I've prayed for good grades and for peace so that I don't get tests and sit down and freak out and fail the stupid things. I've prayed for things to be ok and us not loose our home when John lost his job. I've prayed for more hours in the day, and for sleep when I wake up several times at night.

I've learned that you can function and live on 3.25 hours of sleep. I've also learned that at some point, I have to take care of me. Thankfully, I have a husband who is helping do that.

My point with this post. Send some prayers our way. Otherwise, my head just might explode. Or my house will be as clean as a surgical table.

I'm not Dead

I'm not dead, ya'll. I promise. Just up to my eyeballs in Spanish and calculus. Which isn't a good place to be. I have about 20 different posts written, but they all need some serious work. Because they are all blah. Lots of whining. Lots of moaning. Lots of groaning.

I don't want a permanent reminder of the suckiness of my life as of lately. (Well parts of my life anyway). But guess what? I have one week from today and no more school until mid January. I get 6 glorious weeks off to recharge, refocus, finish unpacking and clean up a guest room and turn it into an office.

Oh yeah, and there might be rumors of blog posts too. : )

I'm alive...and coughing

Well, I know that I've been MIA for almost a week now.  I finally caved and went to the doctor last Friday night (after my Dean's List reception (read about that next week)). I figured that it was going to be bad. My ear hurt, my throat hurt, I had an awful cough, I was just miserable in general.

Instead I left with a shot in the hip and 2 infections. Sinus and Upper Respiratory. Beautiful. So a $35 co-pay and $76 in drugs later.

And lots of sleepless nights and general feeling like poo.

I'm sorta better. I still have this lingering cough, but for the most part, today, I feel almost normal. Almost.

I still have no appetite, nothing tastes like it should, and my asthma is pissed at me for not going to the doctor that it stages random revolts, but other than that. I'm good.

I'm feeling good enough that my husband has been sending me suggestive text messages all day about a marital summit in our bedroom tonight and I haven't been telling him that the building is being repaired.

Now, I'm off to do calculus homework! I'll see you tomorrow for 5 Question Friday!

Garage Sale 2011

Well, since there is a post here, it's quite obvious that the garage sale attempt didn't kill me.

But it was touch and go there for a while.

Actually, I really can't complain. We did go. We got rid of quite a bit of stuff. We still had quite a bit of stuff leftover, the majority of which we packed up and took to Goodwill. Some of the more pricey items, we are taking to my moms and going to attempt to get rid of it at her garage sale in 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to that little adventure. But the goodness is that there isn't much. The bad news is that she will be out of town until the 19th or 20th and won't have it ready to go and to someone with a Type A personality like me, it will be the biggest nightmare. But, I promise to try to not choke her. I just keep repeating "I won't like prison." Over and over and over again.

I did sunburn though. But only on my arms. My legs won't hold color of any kind. Period. Get up, go to the bathroom and look at your butt. See the lighter color. Multiply that by 1 million, and that's how white the rest of my body is. My arms have a nice little tan going. Everything else. Not so much. It makes me crazy.

We are going to Abilene this weekend to see my nephew and niece before school starts. Is it awful that I'm not looking forward to going? When we saw the kids in January their behavior was horrific. They were awful to me and John. My niece was pissed because my parents, her Nana and Bop-pop weren't coming, so she took the PISS ON YOU attitude. It makes it so hard to want to spend time with her. When all I can think about it how mean she is. She will be 11 on the 16th.

You guys don't have too much fun today, it is Monday after all.

I'm back!!!

Your going to get a quick catch up and then a whole lot of other stuff.  Be patient. Now I just have to figure out what to write, not squeeze time in to do it.

-I survived my first semester at TTU. Barely. I still have all of my hair, part of my sanity, and even managed to lose weight instead of gaining it. Go me. Now if I could just get my instructors to post my grades.

-John's Grandfather, the one I wrote about here and here. Passed away last month. We were sad to lose him, but we know that he is no longer suffering from the effects of the cancer treatments.

-His passing opened up a whole new can of worms with my in-laws. (Not to worry, LOTS of rants posts coming.

-My parents are still speaking to me, even after I have spent the better part of the last few months ignoring them.

-I have one friend left though. So would you be my friend? I'm accepting applications. The pay sucks, but the fringe benefits are awesome.

-I only had one close friend before, so don't really believe what I just posted above. Except the applications part. I could always use more friends.

-Bailey, the boxer that rescued me, had to be put to sleep. We think that he had a stroke in the middle of the day while we were at work. He couldn't move and couldn't stand. It was awful, and I miss him.

-I'm so bored at work that I think I might just go insane. This is the first day I have worked since I started school that I haven't had homework. Is it sad that I'm ready for school, to start back up, just so I have something to do at work? What's sad about that is I took my last final, less than 24 hours ago.

-Trust me, you don't want a job like this. No, you don't. It's not that awesome. I'm pretty sure that I've been here 120 hours today alone. Even though the clock says 6, it lies.

Gimme the rest of the week to recoup, but I guarantee that you will have plenty of posts to read from the crazy* lady next week.

* - and by crazy I know that you mean sweet, loving and most awesome blogger ever. (no I wasn't compensated in anyway to write that. Why do you ask?) Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?

Catchup - not to be confused with Ketchup

Greetings bloggie readers!

I know, right know your mouth is gaping open, and you are wondering if you have entered some alternate reality, where I actually post stuff on other days besides Friday.  Not to worry, there is no need to adjust your screen.  You aren't dreaming.  This is really a post, on this blog, and yes, it is Monday.

I'll pause here, for you to get your senses back, and allow you to dance about in joy.



Here's a brief yet, fabulous post about what I've been doing that's so much more exciting than...well, I'm not sure what it's more exciting than, but it's definitely exciting.  Or you know, boring.  But exciting just sounds more glamorous than boring.

-I didn't tear or rupture anything in my leg.  It still hurts when I move a certain way, but for the most part, seems to be doing good.  Once the hurt is completely gone, I'm going to start going to the gym on a regular basis again and get my muscles in better shape.

-Homework still sucks.  Papers to write, business calculus problems to do, exam's to study for, books to read, quizzes to take.  It's all just so much fun I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to spend their entire time doing this.  (Note - make sure you insert tons of sarcasm here, to fully appreciate this comment.)

- I discovered a few days ago, that this blog, whether or not I wanted it to, has became a part of who I am.  It's something that I miss.  While I also miss reading all the dozens of blogs that I read, I also miss writing on this one.  Writing has always had a soothing affect for me, and once I work through writing it out, I feel better. Just writing 5 question Friday and this post, and I feel less stressed out.  I feel like a part of my brain is back to working and functioning like it should be.

-I miss cooking.  Nothing fancy, just cooking in general.  I think I'm going to have an orgy over Spring break in which I cook, and cook and cook until I can't see straight. 

(If you are a parent of mine and don't want to know about my sex life, I highly suggest that you skip the next update.  Read at your own risk.)

-I miss sex too.  Let's just get that out there too (sorry mom and dad).  But let's face it.  I stay up late to study, I am going 90mph during the day, that by the time my body touches the sheets, the only thing it wants to do is sleep. I'm really disappointed, because I thought college meant lots of partying, drinking and sex.  Did I not sign up for that class?  Apparently not.  So maybe someone can tell me where I add that in for next semester.  I can live without the partying and drinking, but man cannot live without sex forever. My husband will agree to that too.

-I should be doing homework, yet here, I am writing blog posts about my sex life, or lack thereof.  It's funny, how when you really want to procrastinate, you can come up with some interesting posts for a blog.

-Well, to those of you lucky people who get the day off to celebrate the President, I'll be working and going to school, so think of me, then email me, so that I can send you some of my homework to work on.  I wouldn't want you to enjoy your holiday too much.

-I'm aiming for 3 posts a week.  I'm trying to get back to 5, but be patient.  I'm still trying to find my groove, trying to figure out how to fit in everything.  Some days I do wonderfully, other days I fail miserably.  I'll eventually get it all figured out.

-Have a happy Monday!  And today, since it's President's Day, why don't you take a moment to tell your current President about the current crappy or uncrappy job that he is doing.

-Enjoy the fact that you don't have a business calculus test today too!