Friday, May 27, 2011

5 Question Friday

Finally! This week has seemed to drag by. Completely and totally making me crazy.

We don't have any big plans for this weekend. It's supposed to be 101 and 102 all weekend. So it's going to be hot. This weekend also kicks off my husband's busy time of year, so I'll start seeing less and less of him until September or October. So I also call this weekend my kick off to temporary bachelorette season. Except I'm not looking for a man. Except maybe to clean, cook, and mow the yard.

I'm off work on Monday (Whoo Hoo!!!!!) so you might get a post, you might not. Because I actually have things to do at home.  Enjoy your weekend, and be safe!

1. Do you apologize to your kids  puppies?

All the time. I kick them, hit them, drop stuff on them. And I always tell them how sorry I am and love them. And no, it's all done accidentally. Blaze is bad about standing in the kitchen right next to you, and you turn around and there is a puppy. She is constantly getting the brunt of the abuse, and I keep hoping that she will get the hint and go lay down, but she doesn't, and I'm guessing after 8 years, she isn't going to either. Prancer is a ghost puppy, you turn around and suddenly he appears. He's quiet and sneaky. So it makes it rought to try and catch him, until I have tripped over him.

And if I screw up where my neices or nephews are concerned I apologize. When I'm wrong or when I hurt someone it's the right thing to do. Even if I don't like what I'm having to apologize.

2. What color are your nails right now?

Au Natural. I was doing the whole fake nail thing, but it was so hard to do, and is such a waste of time. But it keeps me from chewing on my nails. Because when I get tired or stressed, I chew on my nails. Otherwise I'm good. I know it's gross. And I hate that I do it. But a few months of fakies and I seem to get rid of the habit until I get really stressed out again.

My toes are always painted. I'm not really crazy about pedicures, but I am going to get one this summer. Otherwise I do my own. Usually some shade of pink. I'm not into weird colors. Pink is my limit.

3. When you were growing up, how difficult was it for you to stay home from school sick? (As in, did you have to vomit or just say "I don't feel good".)

Not hard at all. It took a few years of working with doctors and specialists to get my asthma under control and until high school, I was sick a lot. Enough that I had to have doctor's notes for all the abscenses. But every now and then mom would let me have a day off. One where I could play and just relax.

4. When is the last time you bought a new comforter for your bed?

About 3-4 months ago. Our other one was falling apart. It was a replace it or do without kind of situation. And we had been hunting for months for something that we both liked. Finally at Target, we bought on of their home collection brands. It's kinda turquoise and white, it's gorgeous. And I love it.

I keep watching at Target to see if they have another comfortor that I like when they are on sale, because I'm going to buy a second one. So that I have 2. And because this one is just so big and fluffy and comfy. And I'm picky.
5. Favorite website(s)?

I'm with Mama. I love It's just awesome in ways you can't begin to explain. I'm also a big fan of when I'm at work. They have great games. I use my coke rewards to pay for my subscription so I get to play all the exclusive games. It's really great fun. I read a lot of blogs, look for couponing advice (mostly for someone who wants the extreme couponing savings without all the "hoarding" or as they call it stockpiles, because seriously what do you do with 40 boxes of cereal?)

It just depends on the mood I'm in on the websites I pillage. I like cooking, like and  I sometimes look for crochet patterns and new cross stitch patterns. But for the most part, I try to spend all my time on the computer at work, and limited at home.

Have a Happy, Safe Memorial Day weekend.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


According to good 'ol Webster.

mar-riage - noun - the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
According to other people
mar-riage - noun - someone to help pay the bills, raise the kids, maintain the house, earn money, and spend time with each other on holidays and special occasions.
Lately with all the family drama (sorry, I'll get over this soon) in our lives our marriage has been called in to question more times than I can keep track of anymore.
I have been told things like "cut the cord", "lengthen his leash", "you guys spend way too much time together". And a few other comments that are along the same lines.
Webster (the dictionary guy) defines marriage as some technical term. Which technically it is. But an actual marriage is so much more complicated than that.
My in-laws have a marriage that I don't understand, as well as John's brother. His sister is in a long term relationship (hopefully soon to be married) and she has the same idea of marriage that her parents do. I realize that there are a lot of different situations and scenarios out there of different marriages, it's like snowflakes there are no two the same. What works for John and I might not work for you and vice versa.
I'll admit we do spend a lot of time together. But when we are apart, especially when my family is involved, I get the third degree about why John wasn't there. Even this past weekend that I spent with my Aunt. She felt bad that she missed out on getting to see John. She repeatedly apologized.
We do just about everything together. We go to the grocery store, we go to the dry cleaners, we go out to eat, we go on vacations together, we even go shopping together. Imagine that.

Yet, there are times, when we do things alone. I have play dates with a girlfriend where John does his own thing. On Saturday afternoons during the summer he and a buddy play golf while I go shopping or hang out at home or whatever I want to do. We can't imagine the other going on vacation without taking the other one with us. We can't imagine spending less time together than we do. We like the intimacy that our marriage has. We are both happy and empowered by our marriage as a couple and as individuals.
Yet, every year my mother in law goes to Las Vegas to spend a large chunk of her summer vacation with her mother, while John's Dad stays home. We are talking anywhere from 4-6 weeks that she is gone. While I understand that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. While Jean goes shopping, Dave stays home. They rarely spend large amounts of time together like John and I do. Which as long as they are happy, I'm not bashing it. I respect that is how their marriage works, and I don't criticize how their marriage works and tell them that they should spend more time together.
Yet John's family thinks that we should spend time apart. That we should be more independent and that I should "let" John have lunch with his sister or do other activities with them without me and their other significant other's tagging along. Because of their dislike for me, they think that this is the way that I want our marriage to be and that John has no opinion on the matter. They don't realize that he wants things this way too. That he thinks that we don't spend enough time together (and some weeks I agree to that). We consider our time apart from each other when we are at work. Otherwise you can pretty well assume that we are together. But on the same hand we both can do things without the other. Every now and then I have lunch or hang out with a friend without John and vice versa. But all of his friends and all of my friends want the other person included. They see us as a team, and they want to spend time with both of us, not just one of us. So it's harder for both of us to understand why his family wants to single us out.
I always wanted a marriage that was a partnership. I wanted us to be friends as well as partners and we are. We talk, we hang out, we do the laundry and argue about who will clean the bathroom. But we are happy. John included. Yet his family thinks that I am keeping his chain short and limiting his freedom. The thought never crosses their mind that maybe this is more John's choice and less mine. When we first got married I was afraid that I would be smothered and was concerned that I wouldn't get to do things on my own. Yet now if I go shopping, it usually doesn't last long, because it's more fun with John around. We are a package deal, whether his family, my family, or our friends like it or not.
I just wish that I could give his parents a big memo, and some duct tape to keep their mouths closed and some straws to keep their ears open. They might be surprised to learn a few things about their son's marriage if they were just willing to listen. They might learn a few things about their daughter in law too.
~Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
~Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ... 1 Corinthians 13:4-10
~And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”  Matthew 19:2-9

~“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31

~ The 3 most important days in my life: the day I was born, the day you were born, and the day when "I" and "You" became "We". -Unknown

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Did I or Didn't I?

I'm sure that my lack of post yesterday about whether or not I met with the sperm donor had you wondering what I had done. And whether he had kidnapped me and taken me for parts unknown.

So here is my final answer.

I did.......not go.

A part of me wanted to, and the other part of me didn't. So I probably took the easy way out. But after much thought and much debate, this is what I did instead.

I sent him a message on facebook. Which, I was kinda impressed with so here it is.

To say I was surprised when I logged into Facebook 2 days ago and say that I had a message from you, shock was an understatement. Then disbelief as I read the message. Then a variety of other emotions, none of which will probably thrill you.

I'm sorry that this is going to be harsh. But you need to hear it. And I need to say it.

Your kidding me right? I haven't heard from you in almost a year and you suddenly send me a message and want me to drop everything and call you up and come see you? Have you lost your mind?

Part of me wanted to see you. Part of me had hoped that when you first contacted me on facebook over a year ago that you had changed, that you honestly wanted to be a part of my life. Then the messages stopped. And not another word was heard from you. You skipped out on my birthday. On Thanksgiving. On Christmas. On New Years. On Valentine's Day. On Easter. And then now, when things are good for you, when you are in the same city, suddenly you can find the time to drop a note.

Me not being a part of your life has been your choice. It's always been your choice. The type of relationship, however, that is my choice, you lost that privilege when you walked out. I had hoped when you contacted me over a year ago that you had honestly changed. I had hoped that you honestly wanted some sort of relationship with me. I had hoped that you would prove me wrong about your motives and your intentions. Instead, you ended up proving me right. You ended up proving that someone, something, or someplace was always better and more important. You did it to me as a child with Samantha and Karla. They were always so much better than me. I got good grades, and they didn't and you were proud of there sucky attempt. My grades could have been better. I never measured up in your eyes. Never. And mom always warned you that it was going to come back and bite you on the ass. Guess what?

I don't feel anything for you. Other than maybe pity. You aren't my father, even though my birth certificate says otherwise. You were never a father. You were just simply cruel. And thankfully I had enough people that loved me that your lack of love never concerned me, or screwed up my life as an adult. I saw through you and the way you treated me. You thought I cared, and amazingly so, I have never cared about what you thought of me. I learned early that your opinion wasn't worth much and whose opinions mattered.

You don't have a relationship with me because of your doing. Because of your choices. Not because of mine. Even when I didn't want to start something up, I responded to those messages. I had to hear you try to blame someone else for your marriage to my mother falling apart. It was just as much your fault as mom's. No one is ever completely blameless in any situation. No one. Not even you. So after all the bashing of my mother, I still talked to you. I still put forth an effort to meet you halfway. I figured that there were a lot of conversations that we needed to have that were going to be painful and uncomfortable. But I had hoped that we could get past them and that you could be a part of my life. That you would make the effort to be part of my life.

Granted I didn't send you more messages either when I didn't get a response. But if it was really something you wanted so badly, why quit the effort all together? I was busy. Going to school. Working. Taking care of my family. Losing family. Yes, it's no excuse on my part, but I wasn't the one who wanted to reconcile with you. You started it, I wanted to see if you were serious. Or if you were just going to disappear again. For the first time in my life, I was very hopeful and thrilled at the prospect of being proven wrong. Instead I got the results I expected.

So when I saw that message on Monday I debated for hours about what to do. I sent a text message to myself with your phone number in it. I tried to imagine what would happen if I called. What did I say? What did I do? How would it all play out?

Then I talked to John about it over dinner. And suddenly it became abundantly clear. Why should I make calling, and seeing you a priority, when I was and am just an option in your life?

An Option. Not a necessity. Not a priority. Just when it's convenient. Optional.

I'm not the same person I was when I was a kid. Your departure from my life changed things. Mom went to work, and I went to school and came home and helped clean and cooked dinner and went grocery shopping and became an adult. I found out how incredibly strong I was and am. I found out that there wasn't anything that I couldn't do, if I just wanted it bad enough. I found out that your presence or lack there of was a relief. I no longer had to hide and sneak around and be someone else to avoid the inadequate and why can't you be more like Samantha. I got to be me, and I got the appreciation and respect that I needed.

Then Eddie came along. His arrival as mom's new husband was hard to take. He was an active participant in my life. He went to band concerts, football games, and school assemblies. He told me how proud of the B I got in Chemistry. He told me how proud he was of the dinner I cooked, of the help I offered. He appreciated me. Simply because I was his child. Step or not. It didn't matter. They got married and I became his.

And when he had the heart attack and we very nearly could have lost him. I realized how lost without him I would be. Granted, he was late to the party, but realistically he is the only father I have ever had. And you know what. At 31 years old, he is still proud of me. He was proud that I went back to college full time. When I doubted myself he told me how proud he was that I even tried. When his great Uncle Jack died, he was proud of the cards and things that I did for Nita. When they came and had dinner with us and I so totally screwed up dinner. He was thrilled that he didn't have to cook. But he was proud of me, and he didn't tell me that So and so or such and such was better.

The relationship or lack of that we have had since I graduated has been your choice. The ball has always been in your court. It's always been up to you. I put forth the effort for 11 years. When I was 16 and you walked out on my mother and I with a woman you had been seeing behind her back, I quit. When I got married and Candy through her little fit over the invitations that was the coffin sealing the deal. Instead of backing me up, your "child". You took your new wife's side. You have made your choices, and your bed. It's not my fault that suddenly you don't like the bed and want to change things.

If you want to have a relationship with me. I'm willing. But it's not going to be on your terms. It's going to be on my terms. And it can't be when it's convenient. I can't and I won't be your dirty little secret to your wife. It's either all out in the open or it's nothing at all. And it's either all or nothing. Not when you feel like it, or when your in town.

The ball is in your court. It's your choice whether you throw it back or not. It's always been your choice. What happens after this is up to you.

Monday, May 23, 2011


The last few weeks have been mentally and emotionally draining as we have battled through the drama with John's family. And just when we feel comfortable about our choices and our decisions, my family rears it's ugly head.

You know that saying when it rains it pours? First of all the "it" that is being generally described has been a word that I really don't want to put into this blog, but it's often used when referencing poop. Yeah that. All sorts of poopy things have rained today.

Now I'm thinking about dirty diapers falling from the sky. Hundreds of thousands of dirty diapers falling.

Now your thinking of it too. You're welcome.

But I digress. Today, after almost a year of no word from him I get a message on facebook from my father. Ok, let me clarify that. My father on paper. I've mentioned him previously here and here. His name is on my birth certificate, but he has never been a father. Think glorified sperm donor. (Now hopefully your thinking less about poopy diapers falling from the sky.)

He is in town. And wants to see me. I haven't seen that man since December 18, 1999. Yes, I remember the day exactly. It was the day I got married. The last time I actually spoke on the phone to him, was in 2001. Haven't heard from him since then.

He had made contact with me on facebook last year. We messaged back and forth for several weeks and months discussing a few things in my life. I hit the high points, mostly because I didn't want him knowing too much and it coming back to bite me.

He likes to play the blame game. Everything was someone else's fault. He did absolutely nothing wrong. He was perfect. Which is the biggest crock of crap I have ever heard of.

The child that he wants to have a relationship with now is perfect. Now he thinks that I am worthy of his time and affection. He sure didn't when I was a kid. My friends who wouldn't have known what a good grade was if it bit them on the butt, were perfect. Yet, my B's should have been A's and if I got all A's then those should have been 4.0 A's. Or it was something else. Nothing pleased him, nothing made him happy.

So when I saw that message on facebook I did what any rational person would do. I logged out and logged back in, just to make sure I was signed into my account. You know, just in case.

Then I send my husband a text message. "I need to talk to you. Lee sent me a message on facebook. He is in town and wants to see me."

My husband's response "Are you serious?"

Even he was in disbelief.

And so now here I sit, trying to figure out what to do. What should I do? Do I open up a can of worms? Do I put forth the effort only to get my heart broken again, somewhere down the line? Or do I make a choice that I'll always wonder about? The "What if" I had said yes.

So here I sit, waiting and wondering. I've prayed, I've called, I've even messaged random people on facebook and asked them what to do.

Do I hold on to the past and let that allow for no room in the future, or do I walk back out on that bridge and meet him halfway? Do I save myself the heartache that I know is inevitable, or do I risk it?  This is one of those sucky situations where no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter which choice I make, it's always going to be regretted.

Sometimes being an adult really sucks.

~Don't ask me for the respect that you aren't willing to give, the phone call you aren't willing to make, and the visit you are too busy for. -Unknown

~Don't ask me to treat you like a priority, when I'm only an option. -unknown

~Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.      -Author Unknown

~Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

Friday, May 20, 2011

5 Question Friday

May is flying by. It seems like it was just last week when I was getting ready for finals, and now one more weekend and it's Memorial Day. I'm glad that time is flying by. I'm ready to go back to school. I'm soooooo bored at work that it's not even funny.

I'm spending the weekend with my Aunt and her youngest child while her husband is having a guys weekend in Dallas playing golf. I'm looking forward to some "girl" time and fun. Not looking forward to my husband being home all alone, but he has a golf date planned for Saturday too.  Then the next weekend my bestest friend will be here to watch her cousin graduate from high school. And Memorial weekend is usually what kicks off the "season" in the ice business, so my days with my husband are numbered. Have a fabulous weekend!

1. Do you and your spouse go to bed at the same time?

Yes we do. We try to head to bed between 10 and 11. My husband gets up at the crack of dawn most days, so he likes to be in bed early and he likes it when I come to bed with him. If I'm not ready to go to bed then I stay up and read or do whatever. So unless one of us is sick or it's just an odd time to go to bed, we both go to bed together. I think he likes it so we can lay in bed and talk. Which we often do for a long time after we go to bed.
2. A question for the ladies...What kind of facial hair do you like on your man?

I'm a goatee kinda girl. I love to look at it, but I'm not really cracked up about any of it when it comes to kissing. It's too bad it can't be attached with Velcro and removed. That would make things so much better.

3. What's the worst vacation you've ever taken?

I really can't think of a worst. I know that our recent trip to Las Vegas for John's grandfather's unexpected death wasn't the most pleasant, but so much of that was the family dynamics that were going on. But I actually enjoyed the time that I got to spend with my husband, and the fact that I came home and realized how important it was that we try to get out of town together more often.
4. What's the first-ever blog you followed?

Oh gosh. I honestly don't remember. I have been writing this one for a while, and I didn't really get into reading blogs until I came across this one. But Mama at Five Crooked Halo's, Ree at The Pioneer Woman, and Kit at Blogging Dangerously are some of the ones that I kept up with while I was going to school. The rest I have been catching up on since I have been out of school.

5. Do you enjoy amusement parks?

Yes, and no. I hate roller coasters. I don't like anything that is going to drag me up a tall, steep incline and then plunge me back towards the earth. There is nothing fun about that! I like the more laid back stuff. However, I keep swearing that my husband and I are going to go to a water amusement park. We both love to swim and I figure that it's one amusement park that wouldn't make me want to hurl. I'm pretty sure that vomit and pool water don't mix. I'm also pretty sure that vomit and Six Flags don't either, but put me on a roller coaster and that's what will happen.
Have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Dear FBI

First of all, before you read this post, read this article about the Secret Service and Facebook.

Then insert lots and lots of humor and sarcasm to what your about to read.

I have joked for months about how "they" are watching and probably recording my father's every move. He writes a blog. His blog is a lot more controversial and involves a lot of political bashing. A lot. He discusses how all of our leaders are "retards" and need to be kicked out of office. While I agree with a lot of his claims, there are a lot that I refuse to get into for several reasons. I'm busy, and I don't have that much time to watch CSPAN or CNN or wherever he gets his information from.

However, a few months ago, when I failed my first college math test. I made a joke while I was on the phone with my mom. I then proceeded to tell "who" ever was listening in that I really needed to pass the class. My grades didn't improve. I joked to "them" that my user id was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and they could log in and give me a passing grade for the class.

I only needed a C. But I finished the class with a B. Now I'm starting to wonder if they didn't "fix" my grade.  If so, they have my utmost appreciation. But until further proof comes along, I'm going to assume that I earned that grade.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart that I don't have to re-take that class. Instead I get to go on to part too. However, you might want to hang on to that login information. Because I've got a while until I'm done, and I might need your help again.

Remember - this is all meant in good fun. I actually really appreciate the sacrifices that the FBI, Secret Service and other law enforcement provide. Our world, and our lives would be totally different without their willingness to do their job.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Aftermath

I was going to vent. I have had all these posts partially written about different degrees of emotions and feelings and thoughts about the on-going situation with my in-laws. I was going to tell the whole world about it.

Then I talked to my husband. After having a few days to digest some advice from my husband's favorite aunts, as well as a cousin, my feelings about the situation have changed. Considerably.

Do I still believe that his family is in the wrong? Absolutely. Would I love to sit down with them and explain and talk things out? Absolutely.  Am I willing to admit that I screwed up and in a round about way agreed with someone else's thoughts and opinions to get them to shut up? You bet.

I'm sad that they think that they are hurting us, or whatever it is that they think that they are doing, when in fact, we have found our peace with the situation. Instead of being mad, or upset, or any of the other emotions that you would expect. We have relief.

Relief that we no longer have to walk on eggshells and leave out details of our lives in order to keep the peace and to please other people. Relief that we are no longer "the evil ones". While they still see us as evil, we just see us as trying to hard to please them. I'm really proud that my husband has learned that, even though they are family, that he doesn't have to take their abuse any longer. That he has an opinion and that he is free to express that, whether it's what any of them want to hear or not.

After talking with other married family members, we realize that our marriage is "normal". That married people do spend time together, and the only ones who have ever had a problem with my presence are John's brother, sister, and parents. Everyone else loves me or at least has enough respect for Brad to be decent to me. They respect me for who I am. Because I've never had to put on an act with them. I've never had to be anyone else, but me. I tried that with John's family when we were engaged and newlyweds, and it didn't work.

I wanted to be able to have a decent relationship with my in-laws. I wanted to be included, and I did everything that I could to please them. Forgetting about myself. I still feel like there is no turning back from the words that were exchanged and the actions that have ensued since then. Not so much on our part, but on theirs. I think that no matter what they do, our relationship will never be the same.

I'm sad that John ended up being put into a position where he had to choose the family he was born with over the one he has made for himself. I'm sad that parents play favorites and instead of alienating John like they are, that his parents aren't trying to reach out to him. I'm sad that they only want to hear one side of the story and not both. I'm sad that they think that he is just lost without them and doesn't realize that he is a perfectly capable adult. I'm sad that when there is a situation or circumstance that they don't want to deal with that they still manage to let Brad and I deal with it. Even when I'm "not family". I'm sad that they don't realize that the lives that they are hurting are their own.

I'm thankful that I've forgiven them. And no, I'm not lying. This was just the nail in the coffin for them, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not hurt or angry anymore. Just disappointed that this is the path that they have chosen.

I'm thankful that John and I have found peace. I'm thankful that we both know that there are going to be moments of doubt and moments of sadness at how this is all going to play out. John and I feel that by giving them their space that the ball is in their court. We are willing to talk and work things out. But no matter what happens, the relationships between John, his brother, his sister and his parents will never be the same. They showed their true colors. We are responding with ours.

I have one request - please pray for them. Pray for his parents, for his brother and his family, and for his sister and her family. Pray that they find peace. Pray that whatever hate and anger that they are harboring towards us, that they can let go of.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

When Life Breaks Your Heart

Every now and then, we all have one of those days. One of those days when everything that can possibly go wrong, does.

Those days frustrate, make us grumpy and unpleasant to be around. But every now and then, things are so, so much worse. Death, disease, natural disasters and those are just the icing on the cake of suck.

Life has been crazy since I started college. There are days that I have to prioritize, and things like cleaning and laundry take a backseat to homework and studying. There are days this semester that I walked around campus nearly in tears wondering "what in the hell am I doing here?" I didn't feel like I "belonged" there. I was too old, I was too...everything. As I started making better grades and started remembering that this was going to be hard, but how much I was enjoying it, I stopped feeling so...inadequate.

All the years of trying to have a baby took their toll on my body, my brain, my bank account, and my heart. And once again, inadequate. My body had failed me. Something somewhere doesn't work right. I don't know, doctor's don't know, specialists don't know.

Hi, we know you have something wrong where you can't get pregnant, but we have ran all these tests and all these procedures, but we don't know why you can't. Let's try in-vitro. Oh, I don't know if that will work, but what's $12000 in the grand scheme of things?

It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it's only been weeks. John's grandfather, who has been fighting cancer, passed away. Our world was quickly turned upside down. We went from watching him make improvements, to just giving up. His body, worn out, just couldn't take anymore, and frankly I think he was tired and ready for the end.

We packed up and drove 800 miles to Nevada to spend some time with my husband's grandmother. Which, now in hindsight, was actually the beginning of the end.

It's no secret that my in-laws and I haven't had the greatest relationship. I have blogged about it on occasion, but I have always kept their true identities from you. Simply because someone could figure out who they were and then figure out who I was. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't get to hide behind my alter ego.  But over the course of the next few days and weeks, there are going to be posts here, that are going to delve deeply into my life. What I'm going to be posting could very well cause my readers to question my own morals and beliefs, I simply ask you to read through the whole story. Then you can feel free to pass judgement on our actions.

So to those of you who know my real identity, I ask that you continue to comment, but also help me protect it. Because if, somewhere down the road things were to change, I don't want anything that I've written here to come back to haunt me, John, or them.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Where to Begin

So much has happened in the last 5 months that it's hard to figure out where to begin. I'm not the same person that I was when I was all excited about going back to college. I didn't have a clue what I was getting into.

I have been pushed out of my comfort zone more times that I would have cared to have been. I have talked to strangers. I have defended myself and the hard work that I put into a group project that others in the group contributed very little too. I have remembered how much I love school. How much I love learning new things, and seeing them in actual action and understanding them in the outside world. I'm sure that my family isn't thrilled how often I share this knowledge with them. I've found my confidence in myself and in my abilities again.

I was worried about my age being a factor. And to a certain extent it has been. I know that these instructors look at me and realize that I'm not there to party and they expect a lot out of me, so I expect a lot out of me. Which has stressed me out. I always got good grades in high school, that it's hard to understand why my grades aren't that good now. They aren't bad now, but if I want to make an A on a test, it requires that I actually study. Which is different. I never had to do that in high school. I never had to put forth a lot of effort, and college has been vastly different. But instead of having those teachers care whether or not I passed or failed, these professors don't. If I'm not going to put forth the effort, then they aren't going to help me.

I have witnessed so many "adults" do and say things, blaming the instructors for their own failure. I whined, yes, but I never blamed them. The first test I had, that I got a 63 on in Biology was a real eye-opener for me. So what did I do? I sent an email to the professor, I explained to her that this was the first college class that I have had in 11 years, could she give me some advice to be better prepared for tests in the future. And she did. She gave me a lot of good suggestions and I took everyone of them to heart. 2nd test. 82. 3rd test. 96. Final 93. I put forth the effort. When she offered extra credit, I did it. I worked hard, and I'm very, very proud of myself. Yes, there were other classes that didn't fair so well. There are other classes that I'm sweating a passing grade in. Simply because I hate math. Could I have studied more? Absolutely? Will I make the same mistake in the fall? I hope not.

On the other hand, college has taught me, that as much as these instructors try to prepare you for "the real world", there is no actual preparation. These guys all think that they are going to graduate and get a job and everything is going to be just awesome. They don't realize that they are going to be laid off, be fired, or not even find a job at all. They aren't prepared for how an employer doesn't give extra credit when you screw up. Sometimes it's your butt on the line and it's sink or swim. They don't think that they are going to fail. Experience is a bad teacher, but she definitely gets her point across.

I'm thankful that I'm not going to summer school. The closer finals got the more exhausted I got and the more I realized how much of a break I needed. The fall is going to be bad. I have lots of classes that are going to require a lot more focus, and a lot more discipline than the previous ones have. Today, I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I can finish this. I feel like I have already done the hardest thing, which was make it through this semester. It's all downhill from here.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I'm back!!!

Your going to get a quick catch up and then a whole lot of other stuff.  Be patient. Now I just have to figure out what to write, not squeeze time in to do it.

-I survived my first semester at TTU. Barely. I still have all of my hair, part of my sanity, and even managed to lose weight instead of gaining it. Go me. Now if I could just get my instructors to post my grades.

-John's Grandfather, the one I wrote about here and here. Passed away last month. We were sad to lose him, but we know that he is no longer suffering from the effects of the cancer treatments.

-His passing opened up a whole new can of worms with my in-laws. (Not to worry, LOTS of rants posts coming.

-My parents are still speaking to me, even after I have spent the better part of the last few months ignoring them.

-I have one friend left though. So would you be my friend? I'm accepting applications. The pay sucks, but the fringe benefits are awesome.

-I only had one close friend before, so don't really believe what I just posted above. Except the applications part. I could always use more friends.

-Bailey, the boxer that rescued me, had to be put to sleep. We think that he had a stroke in the middle of the day while we were at work. He couldn't move and couldn't stand. It was awful, and I miss him.

-I'm so bored at work that I think I might just go insane. This is the first day I have worked since I started school that I haven't had homework. Is it sad that I'm ready for school, to start back up, just so I have something to do at work? What's sad about that is I took my last final, less than 24 hours ago.

-Trust me, you don't want a job like this. No, you don't. It's not that awesome. I'm pretty sure that I've been here 120 hours today alone. Even though the clock says 6, it lies.

Gimme the rest of the week to recoup, but I guarantee that you will have plenty of posts to read from the crazy* lady next week.

* - and by crazy I know that you mean sweet, loving and most awesome blogger ever. (no I wasn't compensated in anyway to write that. Why do you ask?) Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?


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