Well, it's true. I've spent the past month testing out those vows.
About 2 weeks before my birthday (roughly the first of September), I had a few days where I just didn't feel that great. But, school had just started back up, and there was lots of pressure being put on me for this semester, and I just blew it off as stress.
Fast forward to the Wednesday before my birthday. Enter nausea and general feelings of ickiness. Really?!? I'm going to be sick on my birthday. Seriously? So, I just tried not to hurl. Then Sunday. Oh Sunday. Sunday, September 23rd, will go down in history as the first day, that I would have gladly let someone perform weird science experiments on me to quickly end the pain.
Fast forward to the afternoon trip to the ER. They "thought" (you'll understand the quotes by the end) it was my gallbladder. Sent me off to do a CT scan, but I refused pain meds, because let's face it I had two tests I was trying to study for. I didn't have time for narcotics. So, CT scan showed my gallbladder to be okay. Well, at least non-life threatening. So, they gave me some drugs for nausea and pain and sent me home to study.
Spent the week thinking that I was going to die. Luckily I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. The "doctor" (you'll understand these quotes later too), and I'll use that term here loosely, said that some of my symptoms didn't match, but the pain was consistent with gallbladder, so "against her better judgment" she would send me for an ultrasound, because she would hate to be wrong. So on Friday, I had an ultrasound done to check the gallbladder out. According to the results, there were no stones, but the pain was also better than it had been earlier in the week. So, the "doctor" informs me to just enjoy the weight loss, and that not to be worried that I can't eat, can't drink, and have fairly decent pain, and she would see me again in a few weeks. Hopefully it would work itself out. Nice.
So, after the big time brush off, and after being told repeatedly, that "it was all in my head". I began to believe it. I figured, okay, maybe it's nothing. Maybe the older I get, the lower my pain tolerance has gotten. Maybe it's just a muscle being spazzy. Maybe, maybe, maybe. So I gave up. I thought that everything would eventually (probably about the same time I graduated) work itself out.
Then, about 2.5 weeks ago, I had a day of pain, nausea and it was a general day full of suck. So, I found a new doctor, hoping that this one would show some concern and not take the "wait and see" approach. So, I went. She thought, gallbladder. So she sent me for a HIDA scan. Which, was the longest 2.5 hours of my life. Take a nap, they tell me. Sure, because I've always wanted to take a nap, laying on a 2x4 with a pillow that makes paper look fluffy, in a room that apparently doubles as a meat locker on the weekends. Sure. I'll get right on that. I can't lay on my back because of the pain, so that was just a great, relaxing moment where I wanted to take a nap. Right.
So, my gallbladder, whom I have named Gertie played nice. Even after I barfed on the technician because she told me I had to chug an 8oz can of Ensure. Have you had Ensure? It's the nectar of the devil. It's awful, it has a weird after taste, it smells, it's thick. (Burp) Sorry, apparently the memory of the stuff is enough to get my stomach rolling again. So, I drink. I lay down, I tell them I'm going to vomit. I was told to breathe. Well, after the techs catty responses that I would be fine, I hurled, all over her brand new Nike's. They were cute. Not so much after that. However, the next tech, thankfully believed me when I told her that I couldn't drink all of that and not hurl again. So consequently, she let me drink half. Gertie, smiled for the camera.
So that's where I am today. Still have pain. Still have nausea. Still have some other weird, and rather gross side effects that I will spare you from. You can thank me now.
I have an appointment with a gastro November 20th. Yep, I typed that right. It's the earliest that I can get into see the doctor I wanted, or any doctor in my network for that matter. So I wait. And I hope that I don't hurl on a customer, a professor, or a boss. That can't help my grade or my job.
There are tons of things that it could be, and I would love to try a gluten free diet, and no dairy and to stand on my head when the moon is in the 4th house of the rising dog's, mother's, brother's, cousin's, friends house. But, alas, I have homework to do. I'd say I have laundry and cleaning, but I can only manage a few minutes before the pain takes my breath away and I have to take a break. So to say that my grades, my house, and my desk are a disaster, is an understatement. I don't think that a nuclear blast would cause as much destruction as this - whatever this is, has caused.
Thankfully, I have had a husband, who has stepped up to the plate. He's done laundry, cleaned, cooked, wrapped presents, and taken care of me. I'm quite appreciative for, because let's face it, there have been days where, I've googled "at home organ removal" out of desperation for some relief from the symptoms, that are making me crazy.
Which I find ironic. The doctor's think I'm crazy and everything is all in my head, yet, the actual symptoms are making me crazy.
As much as I'm glad that John is an amazing guy, and that he loves me enough to put up with my whiny, sick self for the amount of time that he has. He's given me pretty flowers, and brought me lunch, and gone out of his way to make this experience less...sucky.
I know the posts are sporadic while school is sucking up all my time, but I don't even want to just click publish on some that I have already written, because my heart's not in anything that I do these days. I'm in survival mode. I'm trying to keep my head above water with school, which is hard to do when you don't want to study because you feel so horrible, or you actually do study, but can't remember what you just spent the last 2 hours reading because you just want the pain to stop. I had made some commitments to events and other things this semester for Scentsy and other things, that I just don't care if I do or not. There are days where getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Then again there are days when it's just the pain, and I can manage to kick some butt and take some names, but when every.single. thing that you eat or drink makes you wonder what you were thinking about when you decided you had to eat or drink because you just want to curl up in a ball in a corner and not move so you don't hurl on someone, it gets hard. It takes a beating on your brain, on your heart, and after 1.5 months of the same stuff, your soul. Thankfully, I've had a better understanding of a friends journey with a cancer diagnosis this year, and I have a new level of respect for her after all of this.
I'm hanging on. Some days with a good, solid grip, and other days, well, I'm quite sure that my whining motivates those around me to chop on the branch I'm hanging on to. I'm not patient, and I want answers yesterday, so for those that follow me on twitter, and on this blog, I just want to say thanks for the love, prayers, jokes, and funny comments that you have sent my way. I'm quite sure that you are part of the group that's keeping me sane. Hopefully, this is an easy fix, whatever it is. I'm trying to find the blessing in this whole thing, but when your grades suck, and you feel bad, and you would rather lay in bed than go shopping for new clothes in smaller sizes, it's hard to find the blessing in anything. Although, I'll admit the weight loss is a nice fringe benefit, I can kiss that lovely number I had seen on my scale for 5.8 months goodbye, but I'd have rather kept the pounds and felt good, than this.
So, when I whine on Twitter, Facebook, or this blog, I'd like to ask you to do me a favor. Tell me to quite my whining and do some freaking homework. I might think your a jerk, but my GPA will thank you.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day
This post is going to be short and sweet, and too the point. I have way to much homework to deal with for a real love fest. I'm not, feeling the love from my professors, the jerks.
This year I'm reminded of the post I wrote about Valentine's Day last year 2010.
See, this year, my husband has now been unemployed for 3 weeks. I'm thankful that in previous years we have been able to do a little something for each other on Valentine's Day, even if it was just Hallmark and candy. This year, however, thanks to my part time only gig, and still having utilities and truck payments and the need for groceries, we agreed that we would do nothing that cost money. Because the bank doesn't appreciate my offer to pay them in candy in order to keep my truck.
The funny thing is, I'm ok with that. This year, already beat last year's Valentines Day all up. See, I was sitting in a cold classroom, waiting to begin a Marketing exam (that I wasn't feeling very confident about), when I noticed a text message from my husband, asking me to be his valentine. I melted. Literally. His sweet message this morning was enough to calm the butterflies that seemed to be doing the cha-cha in my stomach. I managed to relax enough that I actually felt better about that exam than I did when I walked in.
Then I got to work, with an almost repeat of something equally sweet on facebook. Granted, I'm not posting pictures of flowers and other floral displays on like most of my friends on facebook are. And that's ok.
Because my Valentine's Day will top theirs and grind it into a little greasy spot on the pavement.
I'll have a home cooked meal, that he has put effort into. Something yummy for dessert, that was all his doing. I'll have the dishes washed and put away and the kitchen cleaned up for the night, so that I can study for a test that I have tomorrow. I'll have dessert later that will be a surprise, because I'll be so wrapped up in doing homework and studying that I loose track of time.
Then tonight, when we go to bed and I apologize (like I do most nights) that he has taken on so much while I go to school, he will tell me that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind. That he knows I will do well on the test tomorrow and that he loves me and how very proud of me that he is.
I would love to share that with facebook, but it's not as flashy, it's not at all something to show off to the world that he loves me. At least not in something that can be physically seen or touched.
Instead it's all mine, I don't have to share it on facebook or let the guys I work with harass me about it. I get to share it with the one person who truly matters to me.
His love is simply there, in everything he does, whether he means for it to be or not. It’s there. The flowers, the cards, the candy they don't mean anything. Sure the sentiment is nice, but right now, I'm content to have less. To be doing less this year for each other, to be reminded that there are things more important than flowers and extravagance. Then I think about John's cousin, who is spending this day without his wife, and I realize that in having less, I really do have more.
Happy Valentine's Day.
This year I'm reminded of the post I wrote about Valentine's Day
See, this year, my husband has now been unemployed for 3 weeks. I'm thankful that in previous years we have been able to do a little something for each other on Valentine's Day, even if it was just Hallmark and candy. This year, however, thanks to my part time only gig, and still having utilities and truck payments and the need for groceries, we agreed that we would do nothing that cost money. Because the bank doesn't appreciate my offer to pay them in candy in order to keep my truck.
The funny thing is, I'm ok with that. This year, already beat last year's Valentines Day all up. See, I was sitting in a cold classroom, waiting to begin a Marketing exam (that I wasn't feeling very confident about), when I noticed a text message from my husband, asking me to be his valentine. I melted. Literally. His sweet message this morning was enough to calm the butterflies that seemed to be doing the cha-cha in my stomach. I managed to relax enough that I actually felt better about that exam than I did when I walked in.
Then I got to work, with an almost repeat of something equally sweet on facebook. Granted, I'm not posting pictures of flowers and other floral displays on like most of my friends on facebook are. And that's ok.
Because my Valentine's Day will top theirs and grind it into a little greasy spot on the pavement.
I'll have a home cooked meal, that he has put effort into. Something yummy for dessert, that was all his doing. I'll have the dishes washed and put away and the kitchen cleaned up for the night, so that I can study for a test that I have tomorrow. I'll have dessert later that will be a surprise, because I'll be so wrapped up in doing homework and studying that I loose track of time.
Then tonight, when we go to bed and I apologize (like I do most nights) that he has taken on so much while I go to school, he will tell me that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind. That he knows I will do well on the test tomorrow and that he loves me and how very proud of me that he is.
I would love to share that with facebook, but it's not as flashy, it's not at all something to show off to the world that he loves me. At least not in something that can be physically seen or touched.
Instead it's all mine, I don't have to share it on facebook or let the guys I work with harass me about it. I get to share it with the one person who truly matters to me.
His love is simply there, in everything he does, whether he means for it to be or not. It’s there. The flowers, the cards, the candy they don't mean anything. Sure the sentiment is nice, but right now, I'm content to have less. To be doing less this year for each other, to be reminded that there are things more important than flowers and extravagance. Then I think about John's cousin, who is spending this day without his wife, and I realize that in having less, I really do have more.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Monday, January 23, 2012
How Long is Too Long
I've whined on here a variety of times about issues that we have had with my inlaws. They have ranged from simple things like hurt feelings or bigger things like that World War that has gone on for the better part of last year.
Saturday things started out fairly normally for us. We had an early appointment to take our dogs to the groomers. And by early I mean, it should be evil and illegal to get up at 7am on a Saturday morning. We decided that we were going to stop by a local supermarket that has a deli and makes fabulous breakfast quesadillas. Little did we know the interesting turn that day would take.
John's sister, who was a former employee, was back working in the deli. Talk about surprises. We weren't expecting to see her there, and neither of us was sure how we should react. We chatted with her a little, but not much. We sat down and had breakfast, and as we were preparing to leave, John's parents (whom I hadn't seen or talked to since July) walked in. Talk about surprise. We sat at United and chatted with them for quite some time, then the kicker. They invited us over for dinner.
Yeah, I know. We agreed, simply because we couldn't talk amongst ourselves without them overhearing.
We debated about it the better part of the afternoon until we got a text message asking for us to bring some items to contribute to dinner. Here was the opportunity to get out of dinner if we needed to.
Neither of us wanted the last year to have been swept under the rug and things just to sorta trudge along. We wanted all of the issues from the last year, and honestly from the beginning of our marriage to be all nice and worked out and finished for once. So John sent a text message about how we needed to deal with all of this, and would they be willing to have this conversation over dinner tonight. They agreed.
I don't know about John, but I was really worried about how things were going to go. Amazingly so, they went better than I could have thought. I think that John's parents have a better understanding of our marriage, and of several other issues.
We did get some insight into problems with his brother and wife and sister. Which over the course of the next few weeks/months we will be sitting down and working things out with them as well. It's not something I'm looking forward too, in fact it's something that I dread, more so with the siblings than with the inlaws.
There is a lot of misunderstandings all around. A lot. And there is a lot of people who don't have the guts (myself included) to comment to the person that they have the problem with and attempt to work things out. Which I could understand when we got married, Brad and I were young, there was a lot going on in his family at the time that it was easy to just sweep it under the rug and never deal with it. So we did. And 12 years later we are finally attempted to deal with it.
I'm hoping that the next several months will allow us to at least attempt to repair these relationships, and allow us to, in a since start over. Because to be honest, I haven't attempted much effort in the last few years to get to know any of them. It all seemed like it went down hill and that I got tired of trying, and I got tired of it always being my fault. No matter what happened, it was always my fault. That wasn't something that thrilled me either. So here's hoping that we can all put on our big girl/boy panties and deal with this stuff now, once and for all.
Saturday things started out fairly normally for us. We had an early appointment to take our dogs to the groomers. And by early I mean, it should be evil and illegal to get up at 7am on a Saturday morning. We decided that we were going to stop by a local supermarket that has a deli and makes fabulous breakfast quesadillas. Little did we know the interesting turn that day would take.
John's sister, who was a former employee, was back working in the deli. Talk about surprises. We weren't expecting to see her there, and neither of us was sure how we should react. We chatted with her a little, but not much. We sat down and had breakfast, and as we were preparing to leave, John's parents (whom I hadn't seen or talked to since July) walked in. Talk about surprise. We sat at United and chatted with them for quite some time, then the kicker. They invited us over for dinner.
Yeah, I know. We agreed, simply because we couldn't talk amongst ourselves without them overhearing.
We debated about it the better part of the afternoon until we got a text message asking for us to bring some items to contribute to dinner. Here was the opportunity to get out of dinner if we needed to.
Neither of us wanted the last year to have been swept under the rug and things just to sorta trudge along. We wanted all of the issues from the last year, and honestly from the beginning of our marriage to be all nice and worked out and finished for once. So John sent a text message about how we needed to deal with all of this, and would they be willing to have this conversation over dinner tonight. They agreed.
I don't know about John, but I was really worried about how things were going to go. Amazingly so, they went better than I could have thought. I think that John's parents have a better understanding of our marriage, and of several other issues.
We did get some insight into problems with his brother and wife and sister. Which over the course of the next few weeks/months we will be sitting down and working things out with them as well. It's not something I'm looking forward too, in fact it's something that I dread, more so with the siblings than with the inlaws.
There is a lot of misunderstandings all around. A lot. And there is a lot of people who don't have the guts (myself included) to comment to the person that they have the problem with and attempt to work things out. Which I could understand when we got married, Brad and I were young, there was a lot going on in his family at the time that it was easy to just sweep it under the rug and never deal with it. So we did. And 12 years later we are finally attempted to deal with it.
I'm hoping that the next several months will allow us to at least attempt to repair these relationships, and allow us to, in a since start over. Because to be honest, I haven't attempted much effort in the last few years to get to know any of them. It all seemed like it went down hill and that I got tired of trying, and I got tired of it always being my fault. No matter what happened, it was always my fault. That wasn't something that thrilled me either. So here's hoping that we can all put on our big girl/boy panties and deal with this stuff now, once and for all.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Opportunity of a Lifetime
So yesterday sometime a week or two ago (oops) you got the background story on the Dean's List.
Let me give you the story on the Congressional Internship that I was invited to participate in.
So I get this email from someone telling me about this internship in Washington, DC where you work with a member of congress for a semester as an intern.
It's a big deal, you live in a house with other interns from the same college and you all work on Capital Hill for a whole semester. How freaking cool is that?
Really cool.
It's so cool that I debated, and I wondered and I tried to imagine what kind of opportunities would be opened up to me if I were to apply and be selected. Because even though they sent me the email, I still had to apply and be accepted to get selected to go.
Then I prayed about it. Then I told my husband. Then I told everyone on facebook about it. And how I wasn't going.
What?!?!
It's the chance of a lifetime, it's the opportunity of a lifetime. Just not mine. Part of me would have liked to have gone, just for the experience. Plus to have lived in Washington DC for a semester, and played tourist on the weekends to all the fabulous places nearby, it would have been wonderful. It would have been breathtaking. But I couldn't imagine doing all of that stuff without John. I couldn't imagine giving up my life here, for a temporary life there. I couldn't imagine putting all my heart into it, when it wouldn't be.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime for someone else. Some other student at Tech has dreamed about this internship. They want it so bad that they can taste it. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to want something so badly, to have dreamed about it, to have planned your life around it, that when the opportunity slips through your fingers you wonder what just happened. Your entire existence is questioned, every plan, every dream, everything is suddenly very different than the life you wanted. It's hard having to pick up and move forward from that. It's hard to give up on something that you want that badly.
And deep down, when I had that realization, I knew that I couldn't take that dream away from someone else. I couldn't do it because it would be a good opportunity for me, but my heart just wasn't in it. I wanted to go for purely selfish reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with the actual internship. My heart wouldn't have been in the internship. Sure, I would have still worked my butt off, but it's different when your heart isn't in it. There's no passion, there's no joy, it's just mundane and routine. And life's to short to have given up 5 months of my life for something that my heart wasn't fully into, when there was another student whose heart is set on going.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime, just not mine.
Let me give you the story on the Congressional Internship that I was invited to participate in.
So I get this email from someone telling me about this internship in Washington, DC where you work with a member of congress for a semester as an intern.
It's a big deal, you live in a house with other interns from the same college and you all work on Capital Hill for a whole semester. How freaking cool is that?
Really cool.
It's so cool that I debated, and I wondered and I tried to imagine what kind of opportunities would be opened up to me if I were to apply and be selected. Because even though they sent me the email, I still had to apply and be accepted to get selected to go.
Then I prayed about it. Then I told my husband. Then I told everyone on facebook about it. And how I wasn't going.
What?!?!
It's the chance of a lifetime, it's the opportunity of a lifetime. Just not mine. Part of me would have liked to have gone, just for the experience. Plus to have lived in Washington DC for a semester, and played tourist on the weekends to all the fabulous places nearby, it would have been wonderful. It would have been breathtaking. But I couldn't imagine doing all of that stuff without John. I couldn't imagine giving up my life here, for a temporary life there. I couldn't imagine putting all my heart into it, when it wouldn't be.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime for someone else. Some other student at Tech has dreamed about this internship. They want it so bad that they can taste it. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to want something so badly, to have dreamed about it, to have planned your life around it, that when the opportunity slips through your fingers you wonder what just happened. Your entire existence is questioned, every plan, every dream, everything is suddenly very different than the life you wanted. It's hard having to pick up and move forward from that. It's hard to give up on something that you want that badly.
And deep down, when I had that realization, I knew that I couldn't take that dream away from someone else. I couldn't do it because it would be a good opportunity for me, but my heart just wasn't in it. I wanted to go for purely selfish reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with the actual internship. My heart wouldn't have been in the internship. Sure, I would have still worked my butt off, but it's different when your heart isn't in it. There's no passion, there's no joy, it's just mundane and routine. And life's to short to have given up 5 months of my life for something that my heart wasn't fully into, when there was another student whose heart is set on going.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime, just not mine.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Where I'm supposed to be?
Most of the time life just chugs along with no hiccups or bumps in the road. Most of the time things go, mostly, according to plan. But every now and then those bumps that you detoured around 100 miles ago are back, and you wonder if you are just driving around in circles.
Some days my infertility doesn't bother me. Some days it doesn't define who I am. Some days I can picture our lives in 10 years without children. I can imagine our friends becoming grandparents and not feel jealousy or sadness. I can see statuses on Facebook proclaiming the newest bundle of joy and not want to strangle myself with my computer mouse. Today isn't one of those days.
Yet there are other days that I think I have a giant I painted on my shirt for the whole world to see. I think that every person I meet and who I have to explain that I don't have any kids just sees me as an outsider or an oddity. It's almost like because I don't have kids I don't have any credibility. My opinions and my expertise in areas related to kids and even not related to kids goes way down. My opinion only matters when there are no other more credible people around. That's probably not an accurate rendition, but it's most certainly feels like the truth.
Take this past weekend. I had a good friend who was "home" visiting friends and family for a grandparents birthday. She came over to my parents with her two nieces, who are 3 and 2 years old. The baby isn't potty trained yet, but her big sister is. So the baby came up to her Aunt and told her she needed to go potty. And she wanted to go use the big girl's potty. My friend freaked. She told her she had a diaper on, to just go it was ok, but the baby insisted. So I told her, take her to the bathroom, take her diaper off, sit her on the potty and give her some time to do her thing. She balked. She just kept saying that she didn't know what to do. Until my mother reaffirmed what I had told her, she didn't budge. Once someone with experience spoke up, she wasn't willing to go ahead with what I had originally said. She wasn't 100% sure that my opinion could be trusted. Now, if we were talking about breastfeeding or labor, yes, then ignore my thoughts, because I haven't been there done that. But we have both babysat enough kids as well as been around nieces and nephews to have picked up a few things.
Then Monday when I was walking around the mall after getting 10 inches cut off my hair, I saw an ad for adoption. And it made me wonder if that's something that I'll ever be ready for. All the books, all the experts, all the doctors, all the social workers tell you that you have to grieve for the biological child that you won't have before you are ready to move forward. Most of the time I think I've done this. Most of the time I think I've been there done that, and then other times I think that I haven't even begun. There are days that my life is perfect, and there are days, that I would give anything to experience that particular blessing. There are days that I can't imagine giving up on the little girl with my nose and John's eyes or the little boy with his feet and my cheekbones.
After listening to a friend talk about their infertility treatments and just beginning that road it's hard to imagine the hope that they have. It's hard to remember anything but negative pregnancy tests and tears. Our marriage almost didn't survive those years of heartache. I almost didn't survive those years of heartache.
I'm not sure where this is going, because this isn't certainly what I had in mind when I started writing this blog post. I simply wanted to vent, to think on paper. Instead I find myself with less questions and less answers. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know what the solution will be. I just hope that part of me isn't holding on so tightly that I miss out on grabbing at an opportunity that comes my way. I hope that I'm not holding on so much that when I need to have faith and step out of my comfort zone that I just cling tighter and miss out on something amazing. Because the thought that has kept me up at night here lately is what if - because of my stubbornness and refusal to let go I've already missed out. Then again, what if this is what the rest of my life looks like? Can I live with that choice too?
Tomorrow: back to my regularly snarky, sarcastic self. I just needed to get my head and my heart back on the same page, instead of in two completely different books.
Some days my infertility doesn't bother me. Some days it doesn't define who I am. Some days I can picture our lives in 10 years without children. I can imagine our friends becoming grandparents and not feel jealousy or sadness. I can see statuses on Facebook proclaiming the newest bundle of joy and not want to strangle myself with my computer mouse. Today isn't one of those days.
Yet there are other days that I think I have a giant I painted on my shirt for the whole world to see. I think that every person I meet and who I have to explain that I don't have any kids just sees me as an outsider or an oddity. It's almost like because I don't have kids I don't have any credibility. My opinions and my expertise in areas related to kids and even not related to kids goes way down. My opinion only matters when there are no other more credible people around. That's probably not an accurate rendition, but it's most certainly feels like the truth.
Take this past weekend. I had a good friend who was "home" visiting friends and family for a grandparents birthday. She came over to my parents with her two nieces, who are 3 and 2 years old. The baby isn't potty trained yet, but her big sister is. So the baby came up to her Aunt and told her she needed to go potty. And she wanted to go use the big girl's potty. My friend freaked. She told her she had a diaper on, to just go it was ok, but the baby insisted. So I told her, take her to the bathroom, take her diaper off, sit her on the potty and give her some time to do her thing. She balked. She just kept saying that she didn't know what to do. Until my mother reaffirmed what I had told her, she didn't budge. Once someone with experience spoke up, she wasn't willing to go ahead with what I had originally said. She wasn't 100% sure that my opinion could be trusted. Now, if we were talking about breastfeeding or labor, yes, then ignore my thoughts, because I haven't been there done that. But we have both babysat enough kids as well as been around nieces and nephews to have picked up a few things.
Then Monday when I was walking around the mall after getting 10 inches cut off my hair, I saw an ad for adoption. And it made me wonder if that's something that I'll ever be ready for. All the books, all the experts, all the doctors, all the social workers tell you that you have to grieve for the biological child that you won't have before you are ready to move forward. Most of the time I think I've done this. Most of the time I think I've been there done that, and then other times I think that I haven't even begun. There are days that my life is perfect, and there are days, that I would give anything to experience that particular blessing. There are days that I can't imagine giving up on the little girl with my nose and John's eyes or the little boy with his feet and my cheekbones.
After listening to a friend talk about their infertility treatments and just beginning that road it's hard to imagine the hope that they have. It's hard to remember anything but negative pregnancy tests and tears. Our marriage almost didn't survive those years of heartache. I almost didn't survive those years of heartache.
I'm not sure where this is going, because this isn't certainly what I had in mind when I started writing this blog post. I simply wanted to vent, to think on paper. Instead I find myself with less questions and less answers. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know what the solution will be. I just hope that part of me isn't holding on so tightly that I miss out on grabbing at an opportunity that comes my way. I hope that I'm not holding on so much that when I need to have faith and step out of my comfort zone that I just cling tighter and miss out on something amazing. Because the thought that has kept me up at night here lately is what if - because of my stubbornness and refusal to let go I've already missed out. Then again, what if this is what the rest of my life looks like? Can I live with that choice too?
Tomorrow: back to my regularly snarky, sarcastic self. I just needed to get my head and my heart back on the same page, instead of in two completely different books.
Monday, June 6, 2011
As The World Turns
I have decided that my life is being secretly taped and broadcast to millions of people worldwide. They gather round their TV's on a daily basis to catch the latest in, what can only be described as a Soap Opera of Epic proportions.
I'm pretty sure that if I weren't in such shock that I could come up with my own witty and creative Soap Opera name. And if any of my readers would care to share their idea's I'm open to suggestions. (Or if you watch the show, let me know it's actual name.)
We had dinner on Friday night with some friends. Friends that are also friends with John's mother, sister, and family. Andrea and her brother Matt are my husband's dad's best friend's kids. John, his sister, and brother grew up with these guys and they are more like family than friends.
Well, the subject of the family issues came up. And it was a mutually rewarding learning experience. One that really opened our eyes to John's family.
John's mother told Andrea's mother, that if it took them not being a part of our lives for a few years until this all blows over that she was ok with that.
Insert Pause. Insert Big pause, so that your mind can absorb that.
What?!?!
Can someone please explain to me what kind of parent is "ok" with not being a part of their child's life?! Because that's a concept that is very, very hard for me to understand. Even as I write this days later, I want to question that. I want to understand. I want to talk to some friends who recently lost their 22 year old son in a tragic accident. Because I'm pretty sure that they can't imagine their children as not being a part of their lives for days or weeks, let alone years. I can imagine that they would give anything to have their son as a part of their life again. I can imagine that they would give a lot for just 5 more minutes with him.
What kind of person does that? Let alone a mother.
Granted, I don't have children. So I don't fully understand the bond that mothers and children share, I haven't experienced it first hand. I only know of how my relationship with my own mother works. Sure I have been mad at my mom that we haven't talked for the better part of a month. Mostly because I'm stubborn. But I can tell you that I wanted to call her so many times. But it was a situation where she needed to make the first move. Sometimes I think that parents forget that we are adults and have our own lives and our own agenda's that sometimes don't mesh with theirs. I think that in the situation with my mother, she needed to understand that I wasn't capable of being told, like a toddler what I was going to do and where I was going to go.
But, I digress.
Yet, my family never alienated my husband from the family. They never only invited me to family functions and ignored him. They never pushed, that even though we are married that we maintain our own separate identities. They knew that we would become one. That we would spend time together, and that as my parents that they had to "let me go".
After several conversations over the weekend, John and I have talked, and contemplated and prayed. We had hoped that as time wore on that we would be able to give everyone some time to breathe and space to think about things. We had hoped that time and distance would allowed them time to heal over the hurtful things that were said. We had hoped that it would bring understanding and a willingness to work things out. Instead, I'm still the evil one. And John has never been that great in their eyes either. Otherwise how could they be willing to remove themselves from his life.
I would love to tell you that I feel something. That this situation breaks my heart. That I hate that this is what our lives have become. I really do.
Instead, I can't find anything but relief. Relief that we know, without a doubt how they feel about us both. Relief that we can move forward and re-build our lives and our marriage. Because I would be lying if I said that this whole ordeal hasn't caused us both stress and strain. We have both doubted ourselves and each other, but now we can move forward and start to put our life back together. I'm sad that his family will miss out on so much in our lives. I'm sad that they are willing to sacrifice one child for another. I'm sad that they aren't willing to fight for John. I hope that they can live their life with no regrets. I hope that they can find peace.
We already did.
~When your absence doesn't alter someones life, then your presence has no meaning either. -Unknown
I'm pretty sure that if I weren't in such shock that I could come up with my own witty and creative Soap Opera name. And if any of my readers would care to share their idea's I'm open to suggestions. (Or if you watch the show, let me know it's actual name.)
We had dinner on Friday night with some friends. Friends that are also friends with John's mother, sister, and family. Andrea and her brother Matt are my husband's dad's best friend's kids. John, his sister, and brother grew up with these guys and they are more like family than friends.
Well, the subject of the family issues came up. And it was a mutually rewarding learning experience. One that really opened our eyes to John's family.
John's mother told Andrea's mother, that if it took them not being a part of our lives for a few years until this all blows over that she was ok with that.
Insert Pause. Insert Big pause, so that your mind can absorb that.
What?!?!
Can someone please explain to me what kind of parent is "ok" with not being a part of their child's life?! Because that's a concept that is very, very hard for me to understand. Even as I write this days later, I want to question that. I want to understand. I want to talk to some friends who recently lost their 22 year old son in a tragic accident. Because I'm pretty sure that they can't imagine their children as not being a part of their lives for days or weeks, let alone years. I can imagine that they would give anything to have their son as a part of their life again. I can imagine that they would give a lot for just 5 more minutes with him.
What kind of person does that? Let alone a mother.
Granted, I don't have children. So I don't fully understand the bond that mothers and children share, I haven't experienced it first hand. I only know of how my relationship with my own mother works. Sure I have been mad at my mom that we haven't talked for the better part of a month. Mostly because I'm stubborn. But I can tell you that I wanted to call her so many times. But it was a situation where she needed to make the first move. Sometimes I think that parents forget that we are adults and have our own lives and our own agenda's that sometimes don't mesh with theirs. I think that in the situation with my mother, she needed to understand that I wasn't capable of being told, like a toddler what I was going to do and where I was going to go.
But, I digress.
Yet, my family never alienated my husband from the family. They never only invited me to family functions and ignored him. They never pushed, that even though we are married that we maintain our own separate identities. They knew that we would become one. That we would spend time together, and that as my parents that they had to "let me go".
After several conversations over the weekend, John and I have talked, and contemplated and prayed. We had hoped that as time wore on that we would be able to give everyone some time to breathe and space to think about things. We had hoped that time and distance would allowed them time to heal over the hurtful things that were said. We had hoped that it would bring understanding and a willingness to work things out. Instead, I'm still the evil one. And John has never been that great in their eyes either. Otherwise how could they be willing to remove themselves from his life.
I would love to tell you that I feel something. That this situation breaks my heart. That I hate that this is what our lives have become. I really do.
Instead, I can't find anything but relief. Relief that we know, without a doubt how they feel about us both. Relief that we can move forward and re-build our lives and our marriage. Because I would be lying if I said that this whole ordeal hasn't caused us both stress and strain. We have both doubted ourselves and each other, but now we can move forward and start to put our life back together. I'm sad that his family will miss out on so much in our lives. I'm sad that they are willing to sacrifice one child for another. I'm sad that they aren't willing to fight for John. I hope that they can live their life with no regrets. I hope that they can find peace.
We already did.
~When your absence doesn't alter someones life, then your presence has no meaning either. -Unknown
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Marriage
According to good 'ol Webster.
mar-riage - noun - the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
According to other people
mar-riage - noun - someone to help pay the bills, raise the kids, maintain the house, earn money, and spend time with each other on holidays and special occasions.
Lately with all the family drama (sorry, I'll get over this soon) in our lives our marriage has been called in to question more times than I can keep track of anymore.
I have been told things like "cut the cord", "lengthen his leash", "you guys spend way too much time together". And a few other comments that are along the same lines.
Webster (the dictionary guy) defines marriage as some technical term. Which technically it is. But an actual marriage is so much more complicated than that.
My in-laws have a marriage that I don't understand, as well as John's brother. His sister is in a long term relationship (hopefully soon to be married) and she has the same idea of marriage that her parents do. I realize that there are a lot of different situations and scenarios out there of different marriages, it's like snowflakes there are no two the same. What works for John and I might not work for you and vice versa.
I'll admit we do spend a lot of time together. But when we are apart, especially when my family is involved, I get the third degree about why John wasn't there. Even this past weekend that I spent with my Aunt. She felt bad that she missed out on getting to see John. She repeatedly apologized.
We do just about everything together. We go to the grocery store, we go to the dry cleaners, we go out to eat, we go on vacations together, we even go shopping together. Imagine that.
Yet, there are times, when we do things alone. I have play dates with a girlfriend where John does his own thing. On Saturday afternoons during the summer he and a buddy play golf while I go shopping or hang out at home or whatever I want to do. We can't imagine the other going on vacation without taking the other one with us. We can't imagine spending less time together than we do. We like the intimacy that our marriage has. We are both happy and empowered by our marriage as a couple and as individuals.
Yet, every year my mother in law goes to Las Vegas to spend a large chunk of her summer vacation with her mother, while John's Dad stays home. We are talking anywhere from 4-6 weeks that she is gone. While I understand that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. While Jean goes shopping, Dave stays home. They rarely spend large amounts of time together like John and I do. Which as long as they are happy, I'm not bashing it. I respect that is how their marriage works, and I don't criticize how their marriage works and tell them that they should spend more time together.
Yet John's family thinks that we should spend time apart. That we should be more independent and that I should "let" John have lunch with his sister or do other activities with them without me and their other significant other's tagging along. Because of their dislike for me, they think that this is the way that I want our marriage to be and that John has no opinion on the matter. They don't realize that he wants things this way too. That he thinks that we don't spend enough time together (and some weeks I agree to that). We consider our time apart from each other when we are at work. Otherwise you can pretty well assume that we are together. But on the same hand we both can do things without the other. Every now and then I have lunch or hang out with a friend without John and vice versa. But all of his friends and all of my friends want the other person included. They see us as a team, and they want to spend time with both of us, not just one of us. So it's harder for both of us to understand why his family wants to single us out.
I always wanted a marriage that was a partnership. I wanted us to be friends as well as partners and we are. We talk, we hang out, we do the laundry and argue about who will clean the bathroom. But we are happy. John included. Yet his family thinks that I am keeping his chain short and limiting his freedom. The thought never crosses their mind that maybe this is more John's choice and less mine. When we first got married I was afraid that I would be smothered and was concerned that I wouldn't get to do things on my own. Yet now if I go shopping, it usually doesn't last long, because it's more fun with John around. We are a package deal, whether his family, my family, or our friends like it or not.
I just wish that I could give his parents a big memo, and some duct tape to keep their mouths closed and some straws to keep their ears open. They might be surprised to learn a few things about their son's marriage if they were just willing to listen. They might learn a few things about their daughter in law too.
~Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
~Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ... 1 Corinthians 13:4-10
~And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:2-9
~“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31
~ The 3 most important days in my life: the day I was born, the day you were born, and the day when "I" and "You" became "We". -Unknown
mar-riage - noun - the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
According to other people
mar-riage - noun - someone to help pay the bills, raise the kids, maintain the house, earn money, and spend time with each other on holidays and special occasions.
Lately with all the family drama (sorry, I'll get over this soon) in our lives our marriage has been called in to question more times than I can keep track of anymore.
I have been told things like "cut the cord", "lengthen his leash", "you guys spend way too much time together". And a few other comments that are along the same lines.
Webster (the dictionary guy) defines marriage as some technical term. Which technically it is. But an actual marriage is so much more complicated than that.
My in-laws have a marriage that I don't understand, as well as John's brother. His sister is in a long term relationship (hopefully soon to be married) and she has the same idea of marriage that her parents do. I realize that there are a lot of different situations and scenarios out there of different marriages, it's like snowflakes there are no two the same. What works for John and I might not work for you and vice versa.
I'll admit we do spend a lot of time together. But when we are apart, especially when my family is involved, I get the third degree about why John wasn't there. Even this past weekend that I spent with my Aunt. She felt bad that she missed out on getting to see John. She repeatedly apologized.
We do just about everything together. We go to the grocery store, we go to the dry cleaners, we go out to eat, we go on vacations together, we even go shopping together. Imagine that.
Yet, there are times, when we do things alone. I have play dates with a girlfriend where John does his own thing. On Saturday afternoons during the summer he and a buddy play golf while I go shopping or hang out at home or whatever I want to do. We can't imagine the other going on vacation without taking the other one with us. We can't imagine spending less time together than we do. We like the intimacy that our marriage has. We are both happy and empowered by our marriage as a couple and as individuals.
Yet, every year my mother in law goes to Las Vegas to spend a large chunk of her summer vacation with her mother, while John's Dad stays home. We are talking anywhere from 4-6 weeks that she is gone. While I understand that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. While Jean goes shopping, Dave stays home. They rarely spend large amounts of time together like John and I do. Which as long as they are happy, I'm not bashing it. I respect that is how their marriage works, and I don't criticize how their marriage works and tell them that they should spend more time together.
Yet John's family thinks that we should spend time apart. That we should be more independent and that I should "let" John have lunch with his sister or do other activities with them without me and their other significant other's tagging along. Because of their dislike for me, they think that this is the way that I want our marriage to be and that John has no opinion on the matter. They don't realize that he wants things this way too. That he thinks that we don't spend enough time together (and some weeks I agree to that). We consider our time apart from each other when we are at work. Otherwise you can pretty well assume that we are together. But on the same hand we both can do things without the other. Every now and then I have lunch or hang out with a friend without John and vice versa. But all of his friends and all of my friends want the other person included. They see us as a team, and they want to spend time with both of us, not just one of us. So it's harder for both of us to understand why his family wants to single us out.
I always wanted a marriage that was a partnership. I wanted us to be friends as well as partners and we are. We talk, we hang out, we do the laundry and argue about who will clean the bathroom. But we are happy. John included. Yet his family thinks that I am keeping his chain short and limiting his freedom. The thought never crosses their mind that maybe this is more John's choice and less mine. When we first got married I was afraid that I would be smothered and was concerned that I wouldn't get to do things on my own. Yet now if I go shopping, it usually doesn't last long, because it's more fun with John around. We are a package deal, whether his family, my family, or our friends like it or not.
I just wish that I could give his parents a big memo, and some duct tape to keep their mouths closed and some straws to keep their ears open. They might be surprised to learn a few things about their son's marriage if they were just willing to listen. They might learn a few things about their daughter in law too.
~Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
~Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ... 1 Corinthians 13:4-10
~And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:2-9
~“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31
~ The 3 most important days in my life: the day I was born, the day you were born, and the day when "I" and "You" became "We". -Unknown
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Aftermath
I was going to vent. I have had all these posts partially written about different degrees of emotions and feelings and thoughts about the on-going situation with my in-laws. I was going to tell the whole world about it.
Then I talked to my husband. After having a few days to digest some advice from my husband's favorite aunts, as well as a cousin, my feelings about the situation have changed. Considerably.
Do I still believe that his family is in the wrong? Absolutely. Would I love to sit down with them and explain and talk things out? Absolutely. Am I willing to admit that I screwed up and in a round about way agreed with someone else's thoughts and opinions to get them to shut up? You bet.
I'm sad that they think that they are hurting us, or whatever it is that they think that they are doing, when in fact, we have found our peace with the situation. Instead of being mad, or upset, or any of the other emotions that you would expect. We have relief.
Relief that we no longer have to walk on eggshells and leave out details of our lives in order to keep the peace and to please other people. Relief that we are no longer "the evil ones". While they still see us as evil, we just see us as trying to hard to please them. I'm really proud that my husband has learned that, even though they are family, that he doesn't have to take their abuse any longer. That he has an opinion and that he is free to express that, whether it's what any of them want to hear or not.
After talking with other married family members, we realize that our marriage is "normal". That married people do spend time together, and the only ones who have ever had a problem with my presence are John's brother, sister, and parents. Everyone else loves me or at least has enough respect for Brad to be decent to me. They respect me for who I am. Because I've never had to put on an act with them. I've never had to be anyone else, but me. I tried that with John's family when we were engaged and newlyweds, and it didn't work.
I wanted to be able to have a decent relationship with my in-laws. I wanted to be included, and I did everything that I could to please them. Forgetting about myself. I still feel like there is no turning back from the words that were exchanged and the actions that have ensued since then. Not so much on our part, but on theirs. I think that no matter what they do, our relationship will never be the same.
I'm sad that John ended up being put into a position where he had to choose the family he was born with over the one he has made for himself. I'm sad that parents play favorites and instead of alienating John like they are, that his parents aren't trying to reach out to him. I'm sad that they only want to hear one side of the story and not both. I'm sad that they think that he is just lost without them and doesn't realize that he is a perfectly capable adult. I'm sad that when there is a situation or circumstance that they don't want to deal with that they still manage to let Brad and I deal with it. Even when I'm "not family". I'm sad that they don't realize that the lives that they are hurting are their own.
I'm thankful that I've forgiven them. And no, I'm not lying. This was just the nail in the coffin for them, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not hurt or angry anymore. Just disappointed that this is the path that they have chosen.
I'm thankful that John and I have found peace. I'm thankful that we both know that there are going to be moments of doubt and moments of sadness at how this is all going to play out. John and I feel that by giving them their space that the ball is in their court. We are willing to talk and work things out. But no matter what happens, the relationships between John, his brother, his sister and his parents will never be the same. They showed their true colors. We are responding with ours.
I have one request - please pray for them. Pray for his parents, for his brother and his family, and for his sister and her family. Pray that they find peace. Pray that whatever hate and anger that they are harboring towards us, that they can let go of.
Then I talked to my husband. After having a few days to digest some advice from my husband's favorite aunts, as well as a cousin, my feelings about the situation have changed. Considerably.
Do I still believe that his family is in the wrong? Absolutely. Would I love to sit down with them and explain and talk things out? Absolutely. Am I willing to admit that I screwed up and in a round about way agreed with someone else's thoughts and opinions to get them to shut up? You bet.
I'm sad that they think that they are hurting us, or whatever it is that they think that they are doing, when in fact, we have found our peace with the situation. Instead of being mad, or upset, or any of the other emotions that you would expect. We have relief.
Relief that we no longer have to walk on eggshells and leave out details of our lives in order to keep the peace and to please other people. Relief that we are no longer "the evil ones". While they still see us as evil, we just see us as trying to hard to please them. I'm really proud that my husband has learned that, even though they are family, that he doesn't have to take their abuse any longer. That he has an opinion and that he is free to express that, whether it's what any of them want to hear or not.
After talking with other married family members, we realize that our marriage is "normal". That married people do spend time together, and the only ones who have ever had a problem with my presence are John's brother, sister, and parents. Everyone else loves me or at least has enough respect for Brad to be decent to me. They respect me for who I am. Because I've never had to put on an act with them. I've never had to be anyone else, but me. I tried that with John's family when we were engaged and newlyweds, and it didn't work.
I wanted to be able to have a decent relationship with my in-laws. I wanted to be included, and I did everything that I could to please them. Forgetting about myself. I still feel like there is no turning back from the words that were exchanged and the actions that have ensued since then. Not so much on our part, but on theirs. I think that no matter what they do, our relationship will never be the same.
I'm sad that John ended up being put into a position where he had to choose the family he was born with over the one he has made for himself. I'm sad that parents play favorites and instead of alienating John like they are, that his parents aren't trying to reach out to him. I'm sad that they only want to hear one side of the story and not both. I'm sad that they think that he is just lost without them and doesn't realize that he is a perfectly capable adult. I'm sad that when there is a situation or circumstance that they don't want to deal with that they still manage to let Brad and I deal with it. Even when I'm "not family". I'm sad that they don't realize that the lives that they are hurting are their own.
I'm thankful that I've forgiven them. And no, I'm not lying. This was just the nail in the coffin for them, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not hurt or angry anymore. Just disappointed that this is the path that they have chosen.
I'm thankful that John and I have found peace. I'm thankful that we both know that there are going to be moments of doubt and moments of sadness at how this is all going to play out. John and I feel that by giving them their space that the ball is in their court. We are willing to talk and work things out. But no matter what happens, the relationships between John, his brother, his sister and his parents will never be the same. They showed their true colors. We are responding with ours.
I have one request - please pray for them. Pray for his parents, for his brother and his family, and for his sister and her family. Pray that they find peace. Pray that whatever hate and anger that they are harboring towards us, that they can let go of.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Relationships
I have a variety of people around me who are married, have a boyfriend/girlfriend that they have been together for a long period of time, and those who are single, and I'm always amazed at the stuff that I hear and how it compare to my own relationship with my husband.
I have been married for 11 years and my husband and I dated 7 months before we got married. Quick, absolutely. But we were sure. Obviously we did something right somewhere.
Now don't get me wrong, we have our share of problems, and we have had a few doozies over the years. My husband has a bad habit of not telling me when he is stressed out and instead he doesn't tell me stuff (or keeps secrets) that just gets him into a whole heap of trouble with me.
We fight, we make up, we move on. Yet for the most part I think that we have a good relationship. I don't feel like I have to keep secrets from him (and he better quit doing it to me or I just might have to find him in a dark alley and beat him up). We don't make decisions without talking things over with each other first. We don't buy expensive items, or even lots of inexpensive items and not tell each other. Even though our sex life has suffered since I went back to school, things are still good and actually according to most of the people we know in relationships and info that they have volunteered, above average amongst our friends and family.
Yet since I have started school I realize now how much more work our relationship takes. We are still spending time together, but so much of it now involves me studying and doing homework, whereas we used to spend most evenings together just watching TV and hanging out. So instead of just being together now like we were, we have to both be more open to communicated and talking about things than we were. We are forced to make time now. And amazingly so, I don't like that. I miss the openness and lack of forced "quality" time that we spent together.
I know that this is just an adjustment period and that we are both trying to find a way to fit our marriage into the current situation.
It's just like everything else, some days we do great and others we fail miserably.
It makes me appreciate the time we get together and make the most of it, instead of just letting the time pass us by. It reminds me about how special all those moments are, even if they come at odd times. It reminds me to never take any of it for granted.
I have been married for 11 years and my husband and I dated 7 months before we got married. Quick, absolutely. But we were sure. Obviously we did something right somewhere.
Now don't get me wrong, we have our share of problems, and we have had a few doozies over the years. My husband has a bad habit of not telling me when he is stressed out and instead he doesn't tell me stuff (or keeps secrets) that just gets him into a whole heap of trouble with me.
We fight, we make up, we move on. Yet for the most part I think that we have a good relationship. I don't feel like I have to keep secrets from him (and he better quit doing it to me or I just might have to find him in a dark alley and beat him up). We don't make decisions without talking things over with each other first. We don't buy expensive items, or even lots of inexpensive items and not tell each other. Even though our sex life has suffered since I went back to school, things are still good and actually according to most of the people we know in relationships and info that they have volunteered, above average amongst our friends and family.
Yet since I have started school I realize now how much more work our relationship takes. We are still spending time together, but so much of it now involves me studying and doing homework, whereas we used to spend most evenings together just watching TV and hanging out. So instead of just being together now like we were, we have to both be more open to communicated and talking about things than we were. We are forced to make time now. And amazingly so, I don't like that. I miss the openness and lack of forced "quality" time that we spent together.
I know that this is just an adjustment period and that we are both trying to find a way to fit our marriage into the current situation.
It's just like everything else, some days we do great and others we fail miserably.
It makes me appreciate the time we get together and make the most of it, instead of just letting the time pass us by. It reminds me about how special all those moments are, even if they come at odd times. It reminds me to never take any of it for granted.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Happy Anniversary
To My Husband,
In a few minutes you are going to be cussing me, and telling me how unfair I am being, by writing you this letter. You will tell me what a fabulous writer I am, and that I should just have to give Hallmark cards out like “normal” people. Honey, you of all people should know by now that there is very little about me that is “normal”.
I just wanted to tell you today, how glad I am that I am married to you.
11 years ago today, we walked into something that neither one of us really had a clue about. I couldn’t imagine spending my life without you in it. I couldn’t imagine things not working out. How we survived the first couple of years, I will never understand. But those first few years, I believe are what helped us to understand what we both needed, as individuals and as a couple out of this relationship. We were so young, still kids, yet, we managed to find ourselves, and each other in the process.
I’ll never forget the day I called you and asked you how you would feel about Gangie living with us. You didn’t even take a breath, didn’t even hesitate. You simply said OK. I hope you know that you gave me those few months with him, which I wouldn’t have otherwise had. I know that there were times that it was tedious and horrible, with the hallucinations and the accidents, but those few months helped seal him into my life and into my heart, that made his death so much easier to bear. You gave me the gift of time, time to reminisce, and time to mourn. I’m so glad that you got those months with him too. I’m also glad that I had a long conversation about you with him one day. You were the grandson that he never had, and I hope you know how much he loved you, and how much I valued that conversation with him. I’m thankful that you were there when I lost him, and the love and support that you gave. I’m not sure I could have managed that without you.
I often tell you that I love you, but I don’t often tell you how much I appreciate you and everything that you do for me. I appreciate it when you load the dishwasher and do things around the house during your lunch break. I can come home and spend a few more minutes with you before “duty” calls. I appreciate you helping to cook dinner, and not complaining when we try new recipes that are an epic fail. I appreciate you for finding the humor in messes and cooking disasters. I’m thankful that you don’t lose your patience and yell at me and tell me to cook “normal” food.
I appreciate you helping with the laundry, and cleaning. I hope you know that I don’t expect you to do it, but I appreciate the efforts that you put forth into keeping our house picked up and clean. I appreciate you jumping into projects like cleaning out closets and moving furniture whether you really wanted to do it or not. I appreciate you taking my truck and getting the oil changed so I don’t have to.
I’m so very thankful that you like to spend time with me and go on mundane errands, like to the grocery store. I like it when you go shopping with me, and don’t get impatient, although I do wish you wouldn’t worry so much about hurting my feelings and give me your honest opinion.
I’m thankful that you have often gotten up, and went to a job that you hated in order for us to continue on with the plans we have for the future and the life that we want to have together. I appreciate how you always think of my feelings and my plans before you schedule your own.
I’m thankful that you had the patience to allow me the chance to chase my own dreams, even though those dreams have often gotten in the way of your own. You don’t know how much I appreciate all you have sacrificed so that I could go back to college and have a degree that means something, if only to me. Even though the stress of having me in college, and the pressure that has fallen onto you to take care of laundry and other tasks that we have always shared, you haven’t complained. You have allowed me to “find” myself, to chase a degree that I wouldn’t have ever experienced without going back to school; and in finding out more about myself along this path, I have found that I still belong with you.
I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. You keep my life full of adventures and exciting. Thank you for agreeing that this was a permanent arrangement, one that we couldn’t get out of if things weren’t working. Thank you for asking me to marry you. Thank you for showing up everyday and working to make our marriage everything that it is today.
My heart belongs to you, always.
In a few minutes you are going to be cussing me, and telling me how unfair I am being, by writing you this letter. You will tell me what a fabulous writer I am, and that I should just have to give Hallmark cards out like “normal” people. Honey, you of all people should know by now that there is very little about me that is “normal”.
I just wanted to tell you today, how glad I am that I am married to you.
11 years ago today, we walked into something that neither one of us really had a clue about. I couldn’t imagine spending my life without you in it. I couldn’t imagine things not working out. How we survived the first couple of years, I will never understand. But those first few years, I believe are what helped us to understand what we both needed, as individuals and as a couple out of this relationship. We were so young, still kids, yet, we managed to find ourselves, and each other in the process.
I’ll never forget the day I called you and asked you how you would feel about Gangie living with us. You didn’t even take a breath, didn’t even hesitate. You simply said OK. I hope you know that you gave me those few months with him, which I wouldn’t have otherwise had. I know that there were times that it was tedious and horrible, with the hallucinations and the accidents, but those few months helped seal him into my life and into my heart, that made his death so much easier to bear. You gave me the gift of time, time to reminisce, and time to mourn. I’m so glad that you got those months with him too. I’m also glad that I had a long conversation about you with him one day. You were the grandson that he never had, and I hope you know how much he loved you, and how much I valued that conversation with him. I’m thankful that you were there when I lost him, and the love and support that you gave. I’m not sure I could have managed that without you.
I often tell you that I love you, but I don’t often tell you how much I appreciate you and everything that you do for me. I appreciate it when you load the dishwasher and do things around the house during your lunch break. I can come home and spend a few more minutes with you before “duty” calls. I appreciate you helping to cook dinner, and not complaining when we try new recipes that are an epic fail. I appreciate you for finding the humor in messes and cooking disasters. I’m thankful that you don’t lose your patience and yell at me and tell me to cook “normal” food.
I appreciate you helping with the laundry, and cleaning. I hope you know that I don’t expect you to do it, but I appreciate the efforts that you put forth into keeping our house picked up and clean. I appreciate you jumping into projects like cleaning out closets and moving furniture whether you really wanted to do it or not. I appreciate you taking my truck and getting the oil changed so I don’t have to.
I’m so very thankful that you like to spend time with me and go on mundane errands, like to the grocery store. I like it when you go shopping with me, and don’t get impatient, although I do wish you wouldn’t worry so much about hurting my feelings and give me your honest opinion.
I’m thankful that you have often gotten up, and went to a job that you hated in order for us to continue on with the plans we have for the future and the life that we want to have together. I appreciate how you always think of my feelings and my plans before you schedule your own.
I’m thankful that you had the patience to allow me the chance to chase my own dreams, even though those dreams have often gotten in the way of your own. You don’t know how much I appreciate all you have sacrificed so that I could go back to college and have a degree that means something, if only to me. Even though the stress of having me in college, and the pressure that has fallen onto you to take care of laundry and other tasks that we have always shared, you haven’t complained. You have allowed me to “find” myself, to chase a degree that I wouldn’t have ever experienced without going back to school; and in finding out more about myself along this path, I have found that I still belong with you.
I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together. You keep my life full of adventures and exciting. Thank you for agreeing that this was a permanent arrangement, one that we couldn’t get out of if things weren’t working. Thank you for asking me to marry you. Thank you for showing up everyday and working to make our marriage everything that it is today.
My heart belongs to you, always.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
1 Day of Thanksgiving
Today, I am thankful for my husband.
I'm always thankful that he is my husband, and that he puts up with my sarcasm and odd questions withoutmuch complaint. I'm thankful that he loves to spend time with me, and that he loves to be around me.
I'm thankful that we have a good marriage, and that I can talk to him about anything. I'm thankful for his patience with me. Sometimes I'm grouchy, irritable, annoying, mean, and he manages to not choke me (even though he probably should)
I'm thankful that he makes any activity fun, even cleaning. When I have had a day full of "the suck" he holds me and lets me vent, or cry and tells me that it will all work out. Then he finds out whose ass he needs to kick to make it all work out. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I'm thankful that he goes shopping with me, and doesn't complain, I'm thankful that he doesn't drag me to Academy and Gander Mountain absolutely more than necessary.
I'm thankful that he lays in bed at night and listens to me verbalize how worried or stressed I am about whatever is bothering me. Even though he has to get up early, he never complains.
I'm thankful that he is a wonderful person, and that I get to spend the next 100 years with him. I'm thankful that almost 11 years ago, I married him, and even though we have had our ups and downs, I'm glad that we both wanted this to work out so badly, that we refused to give up on ourselves, or on each other.
I love you.
~I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner
~Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner
~For you see, each day I love you more; Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.~Rosemonde Gerard
I'm always thankful that he is my husband, and that he puts up with my sarcasm and odd questions without
I'm thankful that we have a good marriage, and that I can talk to him about anything. I'm thankful for his patience with me. Sometimes I'm grouchy, irritable, annoying, mean, and he manages to not choke me (even though he probably should)
I'm thankful that he makes any activity fun, even cleaning. When I have had a day full of "the suck" he holds me and lets me vent, or cry and tells me that it will all work out. Then he finds out whose ass he needs to kick to make it all work out. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I'm thankful that he goes shopping with me, and doesn't complain, I'm thankful that he doesn't drag me to Academy and Gander Mountain absolutely more than necessary.
I'm thankful that he lays in bed at night and listens to me verbalize how worried or stressed I am about whatever is bothering me. Even though he has to get up early, he never complains.
I'm thankful that he is a wonderful person, and that I get to spend the next 100 years with him. I'm thankful that almost 11 years ago, I married him, and even though we have had our ups and downs, I'm glad that we both wanted this to work out so badly, that we refused to give up on ourselves, or on each other.
I love you.
~I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner
~Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner
~For you see, each day I love you more; Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.~Rosemonde Gerard
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Teamwork
This week I have been busy working on a powerpoint presentation for my Environmental Science class. Can we say YUCK?
With fall quickly approaching, (how did that happen) I have heard the F word a lot. With school starting back and Septemeber beginning it was just unavoidable. You know the F word I'm talking about, the one that renders grown men, and some women to scream at perfectly deaf TV's and referree's about their incompetence. Yeah that F word. Football. Which leads to the T word. Teamwork.
I'm not a football fan, I'm not much of a sports of any kind fan. I will watch football and baseball. But I'm so much better at doing it in person than on TV. You put the TV on football or baseball, and my brain things it's just been given high doses of sleeping pills, because TV sports = naptime. There are weird people walking around at actual sporting events, so I have someone to make fun of when I get bored. It works out pretty good.
This week, in my Environmental Science class I am working on a presentation that is due next week. Our instructor keeps using that T word. How we should all form a team and work together to save the planet; while he probably has a point, I don't think that you can make a team, well work.
I think my husband and I are the perfect example of teamwork. He doesn't have problems, WE have problems. All the good and the bad we share equally. If I have a bad day, he had a bad day too. He lets me vent and sympathizes, offers his opinion, and then we move on. I do the same for him.
Like a sport's team, we can't make it through with our marriage intact if we don't work together, as a team. Sure, we fight and we get mad at each other. But we both know that when it comes right down to it, the other one will be there to help us score the winning goal.
With fall quickly approaching, (how did that happen) I have heard the F word a lot. With school starting back and Septemeber beginning it was just unavoidable. You know the F word I'm talking about, the one that renders grown men, and some women to scream at perfectly deaf TV's and referree's about their incompetence. Yeah that F word. Football. Which leads to the T word. Teamwork.
I'm not a football fan, I'm not much of a sports of any kind fan. I will watch football and baseball. But I'm so much better at doing it in person than on TV. You put the TV on football or baseball, and my brain things it's just been given high doses of sleeping pills, because TV sports = naptime. There are weird people walking around at actual sporting events, so I have someone to make fun of when I get bored. It works out pretty good.
This week, in my Environmental Science class I am working on a presentation that is due next week. Our instructor keeps using that T word. How we should all form a team and work together to save the planet; while he probably has a point, I don't think that you can make a team, well work.
I think my husband and I are the perfect example of teamwork. He doesn't have problems, WE have problems. All the good and the bad we share equally. If I have a bad day, he had a bad day too. He lets me vent and sympathizes, offers his opinion, and then we move on. I do the same for him.
Like a sport's team, we can't make it through with our marriage intact if we don't work together, as a team. Sure, we fight and we get mad at each other. But we both know that when it comes right down to it, the other one will be there to help us score the winning goal.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Soulmates - Real or Imagination?
Do you believe in soulmates? It's often a question that we are asked by a girlfriend who believes that she has just found "the one". But do they really exsist, or is it just a figment of our imagination?
Do you believe in soulmates? Yes, I do. I also believe that you can have more than one, just not at a time. I believe that my husband and I were meant to be together. We got married at 20, we were still babies, and we more or less spent our 20's growing up together. Which, I believe has a lot to do with the stability of our marriage now. Sure, we have had our rough patches, but before we said our vows we took divorce out as an option. We agreed, that no matter how bad things were, that we work it out, and we stayed married. Obviously adultery and abuse were the deal breakers. If either of those happened, all bets were off.
I wake up everyday thankful that John is my husband, and when I sit at work and daydream, or when I should be working on homework and I think about the future, and things that I want to do, places I want to see, he is there. I can't look forward without seeing him right there in the middle of my plans. I can't imagine not having him as a part of my life.
On the other hand, I think that people put too much thought into love at first sight. You can't just look at the guy walking down the street and think that he is the one, as your eyes meet. Sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn't work like that. That's more like lust at first sight. Yes, I believe that when you "know", you know. Whether you have been dating for 3 weeks, or you are still on your first date. It hits you like a ton of brinks, and typically freaks you out, then the more time you spend together the more you realize that you can't imagine that person not being a part of your life.
I didn't know when I met John that I would be marrying him 9 months later. I didn't have a clue. Yet, after our 3rd or 4th date(no, I can't remember which one), he said something that was completely and utterly profound, and in an instant I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without him. It scared the hell out of me. Yet, when we begin to plan our wedding, just 5 months after we met, I never doubted. Geez, I wasn't even nervous when I walked down the aisle. I was more worried about rubbing blisters because my shoes were too small, than I was about marrying someone that I had only known for 9 months.
I believe that God has someone picked out for each of us. Sometimes, I think that we, as humans, screw up and we miss our soulmate. Sometimes, I think that we get so caught up in our own baggage and our own ideas of what the perfect mate would be that we miss them. Sometimes we get a second chance, and sometimes we don't.
So now your going to tell me that if something tragic happened and John and I divorced, or worse, that I wouldn't find love again based on my own theory. I think your wrong. It's my theory after all. God has our whole lives mapped out, before conception, he knows everything. He knows what I'm having for dinner tomorrow night, even though I don't. Yes, I believe that there are forks in the road, that he doesn't know yet what we do, but otherwise, I believe that my niece, who is 10, her sole mate is out there, that one person that God has picked for her to spend the rest of her life with. And I believe that if something tragic happened to John, that I would be able to have the faith and either be lucky enough to find my 2nd soulmate, or be at peace with being alone.
Sometimes I think that we just over think love. That we as a society see it as necessary, and that if you aren't part of a couple that there is something wrong with you. That you are unloveable. Maybe soulmates don't exsist, maybe they do, look at your spouse or significant other and try and picture the future, the future that you would want if you ruled the world, and what do you see? Are they right there in the middle of it, or is it just you? Everytime I take that little journey, I see me, standing in a kitchen, stirring something on the stove, thinking about how peaceful, and skinny that I look, and then there is John, with his arms around me, asking what smells so good, besides me of course.
Even though I believe that we are soulmates, I also believe that we can screw it all up, we are afterall, human. We make mistakes, we stop trying so hard, we stop working, and then things begin to unravel. So even though we are soulmates, we have to work to make sure that both of our needs and wants are being met. It just doesn't seem like work, it just seems like something that I would do for a friend.
Maybe that's the trick to finding your soulmate. Perhaps you need to find your best friend. Perhaps finding yourself, will let you find him. Maybe it's a process, one that we are unaware of, that helps lead us where we need to be, or maybe it's just us, listening to the right voice for a change.
~Do I love you because you're beautiful,Or are you beautiful because I love you? ~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
~Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig
~Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
~Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown
Do you believe in soulmates? Yes, I do. I also believe that you can have more than one, just not at a time. I believe that my husband and I were meant to be together. We got married at 20, we were still babies, and we more or less spent our 20's growing up together. Which, I believe has a lot to do with the stability of our marriage now. Sure, we have had our rough patches, but before we said our vows we took divorce out as an option. We agreed, that no matter how bad things were, that we work it out, and we stayed married. Obviously adultery and abuse were the deal breakers. If either of those happened, all bets were off.
I wake up everyday thankful that John is my husband, and when I sit at work and daydream, or when I should be working on homework and I think about the future, and things that I want to do, places I want to see, he is there. I can't look forward without seeing him right there in the middle of my plans. I can't imagine not having him as a part of my life.
On the other hand, I think that people put too much thought into love at first sight. You can't just look at the guy walking down the street and think that he is the one, as your eyes meet. Sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn't work like that. That's more like lust at first sight. Yes, I believe that when you "know", you know. Whether you have been dating for 3 weeks, or you are still on your first date. It hits you like a ton of brinks, and typically freaks you out, then the more time you spend together the more you realize that you can't imagine that person not being a part of your life.
I didn't know when I met John that I would be marrying him 9 months later. I didn't have a clue. Yet, after our 3rd or 4th date(no, I can't remember which one), he said something that was completely and utterly profound, and in an instant I realized that I couldn't imagine my life without him. It scared the hell out of me. Yet, when we begin to plan our wedding, just 5 months after we met, I never doubted. Geez, I wasn't even nervous when I walked down the aisle. I was more worried about rubbing blisters because my shoes were too small, than I was about marrying someone that I had only known for 9 months.
I believe that God has someone picked out for each of us. Sometimes, I think that we, as humans, screw up and we miss our soulmate. Sometimes, I think that we get so caught up in our own baggage and our own ideas of what the perfect mate would be that we miss them. Sometimes we get a second chance, and sometimes we don't.
So now your going to tell me that if something tragic happened and John and I divorced, or worse, that I wouldn't find love again based on my own theory. I think your wrong. It's my theory after all. God has our whole lives mapped out, before conception, he knows everything. He knows what I'm having for dinner tomorrow night, even though I don't. Yes, I believe that there are forks in the road, that he doesn't know yet what we do, but otherwise, I believe that my niece, who is 10, her sole mate is out there, that one person that God has picked for her to spend the rest of her life with. And I believe that if something tragic happened to John, that I would be able to have the faith and either be lucky enough to find my 2nd soulmate, or be at peace with being alone.
Sometimes I think that we just over think love. That we as a society see it as necessary, and that if you aren't part of a couple that there is something wrong with you. That you are unloveable. Maybe soulmates don't exsist, maybe they do, look at your spouse or significant other and try and picture the future, the future that you would want if you ruled the world, and what do you see? Are they right there in the middle of it, or is it just you? Everytime I take that little journey, I see me, standing in a kitchen, stirring something on the stove, thinking about how peaceful, and skinny that I look, and then there is John, with his arms around me, asking what smells so good, besides me of course.
Even though I believe that we are soulmates, I also believe that we can screw it all up, we are afterall, human. We make mistakes, we stop trying so hard, we stop working, and then things begin to unravel. So even though we are soulmates, we have to work to make sure that both of our needs and wants are being met. It just doesn't seem like work, it just seems like something that I would do for a friend.
Maybe that's the trick to finding your soulmate. Perhaps you need to find your best friend. Perhaps finding yourself, will let you find him. Maybe it's a process, one that we are unaware of, that helps lead us where we need to be, or maybe it's just us, listening to the right voice for a change.
~Do I love you because you're beautiful,Or are you beautiful because I love you? ~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella
~Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig
~Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. ~Robert Heinlein
~Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown
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