When Words Are Not Enough

I wish I could tell you how many times in the last few months I've picked up my cell phone to send a text message to my friend Andrea.

Andrea was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer earlier this year, and amazingly so, our friendship has grown to new depths because of some odd conversations that we've had along the way. Conversations about our spouses, mutual friends, and several oddities that we have discovered we share. Apparently there are other people in the world who won't drink milk after it has been contaminated by cereal.

A couple of months ago, Andrea faced a ruptured colon, several days in ICU, several more surgeries, and more complications. She's had to make choices regarding her quality of life that I can't even begin to fathom, and what's worse, she has to live with those choices. Which is usually harder than making the stupid decision. Especially if your me, and over analyze, over think, and worry about the how's and the what if's and the unfairness of it all.

Yet, in the last few months, thanks to her illness and lack of desire to deal with people, and my subsequent health issues, college kicking my butt, and my own crazies (that have absolutely nothing to do with her situation, just me being paranoid that I've said or done something wrong), have caused our friendship to be less...involved.

Which I don't like. But at the same time, I understand. She faces choices and fights on a daily basis that I hope I don't ever have to face. She's got 2 babies that she's trying to raise, well 3 if you count her husband. She's got other people showing up at her door, showering her with love and strength to help her find the will to keep fighting and to keep moving forward on the days that she just doesn't want to get out of bed. She needs that. Her family needs that.

I miss those text messages with Andrea, and I find myself picking up the phone, and staring at a blinking cursor, because me, the girl who always has something to say, even it's wrong, can't find the words. I can't seem to tell her that I've missed our double dates. I've missed being able to text her when I've had a particularly sucky day, or a funny moment that I just wanted to share with someone who's first language is also sarcasm. I've missed her. I've missed her sweet kids, and thanks to my husband being on a hunting lease with her husband, I don't really miss him, near as much, anyway.

Yet, I find myself terrified of saying the wrong thing. Even though, I'm quite sure, that we've been on the same brain wave a lot lately. Be sick and in constant pain for 2 months, you'd be amazed at the things you think about.

As school keeps going and the pressure keeps building, and I keep adding stuff to my to do list, I keep realizing how truly important those things that we often abuse, and take for granted really our. Like our health, our spouses, our children, our friends. You don't realize what a vital part of your existence they are, until their existence is threatened.

As my doctor's appointment approaches on Saturday, the fear of the worst wants to kick in. What if it's not something easy like a weird food allergy? What if it's something that I'm not prepared for? What if I have to quit fighting for good grades, and fight for my life instead? What if.....

It's mind numbing, and I find those 'what-if's' sneaking in during the quite moments of my day. I keep trying to tell her to shut up. I keep hoping that it's something simple. I hope that it's easy. I hope that it doesn't screw up my life too much. Then, I think about Andrea. She had all those hopes too. She had all those dreams too. Sure, her's might not have involved college, being a world renowned chef, having a cooking blog that makes me rich and famous, losing a million pounds, and being a Victoria's Secret model at 40, but she had them. As I've sat in class rooms this week, and looked around, it's hard to imagine giving up on that. It's hard to imagine any of it. Cancer and serious illness were supposed to be things we had to deal with when we got old. They were supposed to happen to other people, to other families. Not to us. Not to 30 years old. Not to 18 year olds. And certainly not to an innocent child.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always work the way that we plan. God's plan unfolds in there, and we are supposed to make the best of it. We are supposed to find the blessing. We are supposed to be the light to someone else's darkness. We aren't supposed to be the darkness, searching for a light.

I can only hope. I can only have faith. I can only hope that this is where my plans and God's plans are the same, or at least in the general vicinity of each other. I know this, the last few years, I've had a hard time coming up with something other than the usual "family, friends" thankful list. This year, I've discovered that I don't have to do a countdown to Thanksgiving on Facebook with the rest of my friends and family about what they are thankful for, simply because I've spent the last 2 months, finding it.

~She is clothed with strength and dignity; and she laughs at the days to come. Proverbs 31:25

~Would you dare, would you dare to believe, that you still have a reason to sing? 'Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it can't compare to the joy that's coming. So hold on, you gotta wait for the light, press on and just fight the good fight. 'Cause the pain that you've been feeling, it's just the dark, before the morning. -Josh Wilson's Before the Morning

Thankful

Thanks a lot Bob Perks.  This wasn't the post that I had planned on for Thanksgiving.  So consider this a bonus.

I decided that I would work on cleaning out my email at work yesterday afternoon.  The phones were quiet, as most other offices had let their employees go home early.  Since I went back to school, I'm not the best about staying on top of the email I receive. I get so many cooking newsletters, crocheting newsletters, cross stitch newsletters, and forwards from friends and family that it's enough to drive a  person to drink.  Yet somehow today was the day that I was going to whittle the number of unread messages in my inbox down into the triple ok maybe double digits.

Over the years, since I have "known" Bob, I have been moved by his messages.  He wrote the message that inspired me to actually get up and go back to school instead of just dreaming about it.  It's also mentioned in the very first post I ever made when I started this blog.  I guess I can think him for the no homework and no life. 

Today's message was especially profound.  I have spent the last 10 days coming up with things that I'm thankful for.  They were all so obvious, and a few not so obvious.  Some required more thought than others, and some were simply a matter of telling you, my readers, what exactly it was that I was and am thankful for.  However, today I want to print a retraction. 

Today, I am simply thankful for nothing.

-I worry about money, yet I have money in the bank.  I have a savings account.  There are so many who don't have a job.
-I worry about my application to TTU.  There are so many kids who would like to go to college, but know that they can't because they have a family to raise.
-I'm thankful for grouchy in-laws.  There are those who are single and long to be in a relationship.
-I'm thankful for the children in my life - there are people who have none, or worse, they are losing their child.
-I'm thankful that my husband spent the night out of town and made it back home safely.  There were those who leave home everyday, and don't make it back. 
-I'm thankful that recent test results showed - nothing.
-I'm thankful for the mess at home, because it means that I want for nothing.

Read Bob's story.  Then find your own nothing to be thankful for.

Today I'm thankful for nothing!

Thanks Bob for reminding me of all that I truly have and to be thankful for the nothings.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today, find something to be thankful for.  The last 10 days I have found things that I am thankful for in my own life.  What's important is to remember that these things should be appreciated each and every day, not just one day a year.  Enjoy today with your family and friends, and remember that even in the worst of times there is a blessing, you just have to see the beauty.

~Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude. ~E.P. Powell

~As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds. ~Theodore Roosevelt

~God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

~We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick

1 Day of Thanksgiving

Today, I am thankful for my husband.

I'm always thankful that he is my husband, and that he puts up with my sarcasm and odd questions without much complaint.  I'm thankful that he loves to spend time with me, and that he loves to be around me. 

I'm thankful that we have a good marriage, and that I can talk to him about anything.  I'm thankful for his patience with me.  Sometimes I'm grouchy, irritable, annoying, mean, and he manages to not choke me (even though he probably should) 

I'm thankful that he makes any activity fun, even cleaning.  When I have had a day full of "the suck" he holds me and lets me vent, or cry and tells me that it will all work out.  Then he finds out whose ass he needs to kick to make it all work out.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm thankful that he goes shopping with me, and doesn't complain, I'm thankful that he doesn't drag me to Academy and Gander Mountain absolutely more than necessary.

I'm thankful that he lays in bed at night and listens to me verbalize how worried or stressed I am about whatever is bothering me.  Even though he has to get up early, he never complains. 

I'm thankful that he is a wonderful person, and that I get to spend the next 100 years with him.  I'm thankful that almost 11 years ago, I married him, and even though we have had our ups and downs, I'm glad that we both wanted this to work out so badly, that we refused to give up on ourselves, or on each other.

I love you.

~I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner


~Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner


~For you see, each day I love you more; Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.~Rosemonde Gerard

2 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful that I am almost done writing these posts.  Today, I'm thankful that I can write these posts.

Today I'm thankful for our government and our politicians. 

I'm not saying that I agree with every choice and decision that they make, and I complain frequently about their harebrained schemes.  Thankfully, I live in a country where I can complain, and protest, and write about what a crappy job they are doing on my blog and not worry about persecution. 

I can drive to Starbucks and order my overpriced latte and I don't have to have a man with me, or be completely covered.  I can wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt and I don't have to worry about repercussions, other than sunburn.  I

Yes, our government and politicians need a lot of work.  A complete overhaul.  But, it is better than some places, and today I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can honor those who have fought and died for my freedoms, for my right to wear shorts, and to go to Starbucks for the overpriced latte.  That I have the right to complain and live my life with freedoms that we, as Americans, take for granted.  I often wonder, do we realize how lucky we really are?

~Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. ~Author Unknown



~I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts.  After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.  ~Clarie Sargent  
 
~George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles. ~Author Unknown



~ Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. ~Napoleon Bonaparte


~Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. ~Thomas Paine

3 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my nieces and nephews. 

I have two nieces, 10 and 7, and three nephews, 14, 10 (almost 11), and 7.  Yeah the last two were apparently busy years for babies. 

And now let's take a moment to pause for my husband, who is just now realizing what I did, when I was typing this. I was unaware that the oldest niece and the middle nephew were the same age.  The brain can only handle so much.  (EEK!!  I'm getting old!)

They bring so much joy and happiness to my life.  They let me spoil them, and send them home, just like any Aunt should.  They are always excited to see me, and they all love me.  I'm great, what can I say. 

There innocence provides hours of endless entertainment.  They are all funny, and they all have their own unique personalities.  I look forward to seeing what kind of amazing adults that they will all turn out to be.

~Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. ~Harold Hulbert


~In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~Thomas Szasz


~While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. ~Angela Schwindt

4 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for the gift that I have been given in the form of my current (and past few years) living arrangements.

My husband and I live with his grandfather.  It was just supposed to be a temporary thing, yet almost 3 years later, we are still there.  While, I often complain about the expectations that his grandfather has on John and I; I do appreciate the gift that we have.  We don't have to worry about having the money to pay the bills and put food on the table, and frankly it's nice to not have to worry about that.  This arrangement has allowed us to do several things that 4 years ago, we would have never dreamed of as possible. 

I still want my own space, and I will always want that, but right now, I'm going to be thankful that his grandfather is selfless enough to allow us to have this arrangement with him.  I'm thankful that this arrangement has allowed us to witness the importance of preparing for the future, for retirement, and given us the opportunity to get our own financial needs in order.

I'm thankful for this opportunity, and the peace of mind that this arrangement gives me, especially when I'm waiting on college applications and other things to fall into place.

~Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman


~He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

5 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my husband's extended family.

He has Aunts, Uncles, cousins, who are all relatively close in age.  They have grown up together, and his family is just amazing.

I was really worried when I met some of the cousins, for fear that they had been told how "evil" I was.  Instead, they have all been very welcoming, and have taken the time to get to know me, instead of assuming things about me.  They have accepted me as "family" and they allow me to spoil their children as if I had always been a part of the family.  I have really gotten to know several of them, we "chat" on facebook often, and I'm thankful that they see me as family instead of as the wife of family.

I'm thankful that I married someone who has a large family, and that his extended family is as wonderful as they are.  I would love for them all to live in the same city as I do, and get to seem them on a more regular basis than we have.  I'm thankful that the time we do share with them is precious and valued by all of us, and allows us to make great memories, and goofy pictures.

~Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown



~When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers



~You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu



~The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.  ~Kendall Hailey

6 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my in-laws.

Let me pause here while my husband re-reads that statement several times.

My husband's family and I have never gotten along.  I have always thought that was because they thought John could do so much better than me.  I'm perfect, I don't know why they would think that.

Our relationship has always been rocky and "on" and "off".  This week they love me, next week they hate me.  They pretty much just put up with me, because they have figured that John isn't getting rid of me.

On one hand I'm sad, because I always wanted to have a good relationship with his family.  One that at least allowed me to not feel uncomfortable at family gatherings because I'm the "evil" one.  After almost 11 years, I'm not sure that I'll ever have the kind of relationship with them that I want. 

And I think that is the point.  They make me realize how important and what an impact my actions and words have on those around me.  They make me realize that how one sentence, one comment said in a moment of anger, can never be forgotten and how important it is to not always judge someone based on a first impression.  They also remind me to have hope in people.  That there is the possiblity of change, and that I'm not perfect.

I will always be grateful for the wonderful man that they raised John to be.  I'm also thankful that he isn't selfish or hurtful in the ways that his family often is, not only to myself, but to their own children.  I'm sad that the type of relationship that I have with his parents, brother's family and sister makes John's life more difficult.  It puts him in an awkward position of often having to choose me over them, and I never wanted things to be that way.  I honestly wish that things could be different, and that they had been different the past 11 years..

It's important to remember the kinds of impressions that these actions make on our family.  Perhaps we all need to sit down and take a good look at the legacy we are leaving behind.


~The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents. ~Charles DeLint



~Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.  ~Charles R. Swindoll
 
~Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother. ~Rose Kennedy

7 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my parents.

I have a decent relationship with my parents.  Sure, they get on my nerves from time to time, but isn't that what parents are supposed to do?  I know that if I genuinely needed them that they would be there. 

Sometimes I wish that I had a couple of brothers and sisters that they could annoy as well.  I mean, why should I get to have all the fun.  I love you mom, please don't send my Christmas presents back. 

I really do love my parents.  They are considerate, they are always telling me how proud of me that they are, and not just with school.  They heap praise on my cooking, on school, and even on this blog. 

They provide me with insight and more sarcastic thoughts to make my day complete.  I'm not really sure what I would do without them.  I'm not really sure how they put up with me.

~Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum


~If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.  ~C.G. Jung

8 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my grandparents.  I have one set that is currently residing in heaven, and the other set resides 2 blocks over from my parents.

My maternal grandparents were more like parents, instead of grandparents.  Growing up, they lived, what would have been the equivalent of the house across the street from my house.  It could be walked to in a minute and ran under 30 seconds. 

I had a wonderful relationship with both of them, and I will always be thankful that they were such a big part of my life growing up.  So many of my friends didn't have grandparents close enough to participate in their lives on a daily basis.  My grandfather went to football games, and band practices, and little dribblers games, and as a child, it was always nice to have them in the stands, knowing that they loved me.

I'm thankful for the months that my grandfather lived with us.  I'm thankful that I had him all to myself with no interruptions.  I'm thankful for the stories that he told me about his own childhood, his time in the navy, and the trials of farming and ranching.  Of how he did iron work at Hoover Dam.  I'm eternally thankful for those memories. 

My grandmother and I didn't have the same kind of relationship, but it is through her that I got my love for cooking and cook books.  She taught me to always stand up for myself, and for what I believe in.  I'm pretty sure that she also gave me my stubborn streak, and the need to be right.

My dad's parents haven't been a part of my life since I was a baby.  They came along when I was 17, and they have welcomed me into their family, and they love me.  Even though they came along late to the party, they mean so much to me, and I'm thankful for the relationship that I have with them.  For their thoughtfulness and selflessness that they have both demonstrated through their actions towards me, and when I got married, towards John.  I hope that I am half as wonderful as they think that I am.  Their faith in me, and their support of all that I do means so much to me.

Today, I am thankful that I have such amazing grandparents, and that they have all been as involved in my life as they have.  I'm thankful that they spoil me, and love me.  And my only hope is that they all know how much that they mean to me.

~What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.         -Rudolph Giuliani


~Being grandparents sufficiently removes us from the responsibilities so that we can be friends. -Allan Frome


~The history of our grandparents is remembered not with rose petals but in the laughter and tears of their children and their children's children. It is into us that the lives of grandparents have gone. It is in us that their history becomes a future. ~Charles and Ann Morse


~God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" ~William A. Ward

9 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I'm thankful for my puppies.

I'm a dog person.  I have tried to be a cat person.  I had a cat a few years ago, and it reminded me that I love cats, as long as they are outside, and belong to someone else.

Actually I had a cat growing up.  I rescued her.  I was outside playing one day, and I couldn't have been more than 7 or 8 years old.  I kept seeing her stick her head out of a crack in a door in the barn.  So I raided my grandmother's house for powdered milk and cheese to try to bribe the kitty into being my friend.  It took several attempts and several days before I could get the kitty to come to me, and it was love at first sight for both of us.

She was the only animal that I ever remember having to warm up to my grandfather, instead of loving him on sight.  The best he could tell, was that kitty was a boy.  He couldn't get close enough to pick her up and look.  So for several years, the kitty was Morris.  Then when I was about 13, and the kitty finally warmed up to my grandfather, imagine our surprise when he was actually a SHE!!  So she became known as Morrissa.  She is the only cat that I have ever cared about, and no other cat will ever compare, or be as good.

So back to the puppies.  I have had more dogs in my short life than most people have in a lifetime.  Growing up on a farm was rough where dogs were concerned.  They ran away, they got ran over, or they went to live with the neighbor.

Yet, the two that I have now I absolutely adore.  They make me laugh, they are always happy to see me even if I just went into the laundry room, they give me someone to look forward to going home to when my husband is out of town, and they love me simply because I love them.  They are the best example of unconditional love, and probably a provide us a good example of how we should act towards other people.

I'm thankful that my husband loves dogs, otherwise that would be serious grounds for divorce.  I'm thankful that my babies let me dress them up in costumes, and that they don't bite me, even though I probably deserve it.

I'm thankful when they wiggle their cold little bodies under the covers and snuggle up next to me.  I'm thankful that when they are sick, or I'm feeling down that they just want to lay in my lap and let me love them. 


~The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings! ~Henry Ward Beecher


~I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive. ~Gilda Radner


~My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

10 Days of Thanksgiving

There are only 10 days until Thanksgiving.  I know that I am often sarcastic, and a variety of other things, however, since I have a blog I'll post what I want to. 

I'll pause here to give you a minute to sing the words to "It's my party and I'll cry if I want too".  You're Welcome.

Over the next 10 days (weekends included)  I will post something I'm thankful for.  Some days you will have two posts and other days, my thankful post will be your only post.

I'll pause now so you can get your tissues, because I'm sure that you want to cry because you will only be getting one post.  Or you might want to cry because you have to read two posts.  That's completely up to you. 

Today, I am thankful for my job.  Even though there are days when I would rather stay at home in bed, I do love my job.  In the time that I have been here, I have really gotten to know the owner's and our shop foreman.  They are a family in themselves.  Even though they don't pay me near what I am worth, they have been very good to me over the years, and when the time comes, it is going to be very, very hard to leave this place.  I'm also thankful that I have a job, and have kept that job during a time when so many people have lost theirs.

~As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.  -John Fitzgerald Kennedy
~Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day. -Robert Caspar