Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Book Review: Kaleidoscope

Patsy Clairmont does a fantastic job of walking through the book of Proverbs with you. She makes the book fly by with her wisdom, wit, and insight. She provides you with additional verses to continue to expand on the original verse, as well as things to ponder. The book has very short chapters, and is actually entertaining as well as enlightening. Clairmont does an amazing job of keeping her insights personal, so that anyone could relate. There were so many things that I read, and personally related to. Before the end of the book, it does begin to get a little tedious reading the small chapters. By the end of the book, I was really looking for more substantial passages. The book provides wonderful insight into Proverbs, as well as into you. This book was provided by Thomas Nelson

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Right Path

A few days ago I made a post regarding becoming a mother. When I made that post I had been talking online to someone who has been helping me deal with several issues in my life. Frankly there are a lot of issues. I work full time, go to school full time and live with a grumpy, irresponsible 76 year old man. So to say that I have my hands full is an understatement.

My husband and I struggled for several years to have a baby. We both love children, and we had both wanted to have a child. Unfortunately Apparently, God has other plans. Today, after being bored at work and spending time on facebook, I was reminded of something.

I am right where God wants me to be.

I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. The good, and the bad. Do I still want a baby? Absolutely! But today, for the first time in weeks, I have peace about it. I don't sit at work wondering why everyone else can have children and I can't. I'm not wondering what I have "done" to deserve this. Why there are people that are having abortions and whining about an unplanned pregnancy, when I would give my right arm to be in their shoes. Today, I have peace.

I am right where God wants me to be.

It has definitely taken some time to get here, and while I will always want to have a baby, there is something else that God has in store for me. Something that I couldn't, or wouldn't be equipped to do if I had a child.

Yes, I can relate so much to the Thoughts on Becoming a Mother post I made. I can relate to the shots, and the pills. I can relate to the feeling out of control of your own body, the hormones, the mood swings, the paranoia, the feeling like a lab rat. I can relate to wanting a baby and the hurt and disappointment that comes with each negative result. I can also understand why so many couples doing infertility treatments end up in divorce, and even suicide. Those treatments give you a walk in someone else's shoes, someone who deals with severe depression, and obssession.

I am right where God wants me to be.

While this isn't the path that I would have taken, given the choice, it's where I am meant to be. Even though my life is crazy busy, it's where I'm supposed to be. I was supposed to go back to school at 30. I was supposed to get married at 20. I was supposed to lose the baby we lost in 2006.

I am right where God wants me to be.

While this isn't some cleaver and witty post, like my 4 readers are used to, this is something that we all need to be reminded about from time to time. And besides this is my blog and I'll write what I want too. Ahhh, sarcasm, there you are. :)

Sometimes we walk through life and complain about the obstacles that get in the way of our plans. We forget that we are right where we need to be, where we are supposed to be at that exact moment. We forget that by being where we are God is protecting us from something even worse. Think of the people who were late to work because a child dwaddled, or they missed their train, or it was their turn to bring the donuts, or my personal favorite, a guy had bought a new pair of shoes and was breaking them in walking to work, and they rubbed a blister and he stopped to get a band-aid, saved thier lives on September 11th. Or the lady whose phone was ringing when she was trying to leave the house, and she went in to answer it, and it was a wrong number. Those extra few seconds, that they were annoyed by, God had them exactly where they needed to be. Just like me.

I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I have tried, over the last few months, to put more faith into God, and stop trying to question the things I don't understand in my life. Thanks to the insight of some special people in my life, as well as way to much time at work to analyze things, as well as facebook, today I am at peace with what the future holds. Today I feel like I could climb Mt. Everest, or rebuild an engine. I feel better than I have in weeks about a lot of things. Thanks to facebook. Here was my status thanks to an application there "Be joyful always; pray continually; GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18" Bet you wouldn't have thought that facebook would provide such profound insight. But then again, I was right where God needed me to be to get the message.

"He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly." ~B.C. Forbes

"Faith enables persons to be persons because it lets God be God." ~Carter Lindberg

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~Mother Teresa

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I found this today and thought I would share.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those that have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

**I'll make a new post about this in a few days, finding this has brought up many old regrets, hurts, dreams, fears and emotions that I can't even begin to grasp today. They are all rolling around, not sure which feeling I want to experience at the moment. I'm not sure that anything that I could write could convey anything, other than crazy hormonal female. Which is really not the look I'm after. Apparently sarcasm is still there too.

Something else to give you perspective follow this link (or since blogger is being stupid, go to ), and scroll down to the video titled "I would die for that" Like I said, I'm not crazy, I'm not pregnant either, a good friend, whom I often talk to about babies, shared this with me today.

Monday, March 1, 2010


My husband walked into the house a few days ago complaining about the "smell" outside.

One of the perks/downsides to living in West Texas is the smell. When the wind is out of the right direction you get a distinct aroma. Most people think that it is unpleasant. My husband thinks I'm crazy. Because when the wind is out of the right direction, I take a deep breath, shut my eyes and I am temporarily transported home.

At least to my childhood home. I grew up on a farm, with cows. So that smell,that distinct aroma of cow poop, for those brief moments sends me back to being 16 years old, standing in the barn with a CB radio antenna in one hand and a bucket of "cake" in the other as I go to feed the cows. My grandfather standing at the fence making fun of my antenna. It takes me back to good memories, to things that I miss having in my life as an adult.

Yes, I miss having cows, and the work that it involves. But what I miss the most - my grandfather. By most people's standards he was an honest, hardworking man. He never did anything out of the ordinary, at least by most people's standards. He was idolized by myself, and a few of my childhood friends. I had a special relationship with him, one that most people would now call - odd. Mostly because, given a choice, I would have spent most of my childhood following him around. He had endless patience, except for stupidity, he answered my questions - when they were legitimate. He helped me fail - repeatedly, so I could learn to do something right. He taught me more about life and common sense than most people get in a lifetime.

He taught me about cows and farming, and didn't think that I was crazy when I decided that I wanted to farm, or at least marry a farmer, so I could farm. He understood that need and that want to plant and harvest and worry. I ended up not doing either. I married a city boy, who wouldn't know a heifer from a cow. But the funny thing is, that city boy, would secretly love to farm, and have cows, pigs, horses, chickens and other farm like animals. That city boy would learn to love the smell of fresh plowed dirt on a warm day. He would learn to love the smell of cow poop. He denies it. That stuff gets in your heart and soul, but if he were to ever take up farming and ranching, when those scents were gone, he would long for them.

I know that most days I would give anything to be standing in that barn for just 10 more minutes, basking in the smells. In the memories. Even if those memories have me standing in cow poop.


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