2012

This year has been....a year.

I've joked with John all year long that the catastrophic events of this year were all his fault. He was the one who said that 2011 was the year that all years would be compared against as far as the level of suck was concerned. John lost both of his grandfathers that year, and we had a huge falling out with his brother, sister, parents, and remaining grandmother. He was quite sure it couldn't get worse. However, before February was even over with, God decided to take his challenge and make sure that those were not words that John will ever utter again, especially if he wanted to live and do well with me.

January:
John lost his job. We found out that my niece and possibly my nephew were being sexually abused by their father. He was arrested. My sister-from-another-mother and good friend Andrea was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

February:
Andrea went to Houston because her colon was so messed up none of the local doctors would even touch her or begin treatments of the cancer. John's cousin's wife committed suicide.

March:
Andrea was still in Houston. My dad was hospitalized for what we thought was pneumonia. He ended up having both strains of the flu as well as pneumonia. He was so deprived of oxygen and sick that he ended up being put on a ventilator for 4 days. They were concerned  that because of the lack of oxygen because of how sick he was that he might have suffered brain damage. Fortunately, his brain was only as damaged as it was before all of this.

April:
One year since Grandpa passed away. One year since all of the fallout with the family began.

May:
Finals. Need I say more.

June:
Summer school - thankfully this month wasn't so bad, and we were thinking that the year was looking up.

July:
Just trucked along

August:
School. Hate most of my professors. Liked the classes. Hated the professors. Arg.

September:
Andrea's colon ruptures. She spent a week on a ventilator. Worried that she might not make it out of the hospital. But thankfully she rallied, and went home. She spent almost the entire month in the hospital. Her husband suckers my husband into going to the lease. Thankfully no dead animal adorns my walls..yet. I discover that something isn't right with my innards. Go to ER the day after my 33rd birthday. Told to go home and take the narcotic pain meds. Tried that, but didn't remember going to school and a variety of other things, so just took thousands of ibuprofen trying to survive the worst of it.

October:
Felt so bad that I don't remember anything, other than trying to make it to class and to work. Pretty much quit cooking and cleaning completely. Basically didn't study much either. Just felt so, so bad.

November:
Finally got the referral to the specialist. Had actual surgery to remove very, very sick gallbladder the week before Thanksgiving. Felt some relief for the first time in months. Then the joys of a body adjusting to no gallbladder.

December:
Finals. Failed my first class. Probably because I shouldn't take a final the same day that I had to say goodbye to my sister-from-another-mother. December 6th, Andrea went home. There's a post in there somewhere about her. But I just can't write it yet. I barely could type those words without breaking down into tears. Stressed about followup with gastro, because the pain was back. Thankfully gastro thinks it's just my body adjusting.


Sure, there have been some high points, and some of the issues, like John losing his job, actually have turned out to be a blessing. And well, some of them, like losing Andrea just suck. So while most of this year was events that I could have done without, like the gallbladder epidemic, I don't know that I would change any of it. Even Andrea. As much as that breaks my heart to say, I think that her being a part of my life served a purpose, and I think that losing her will serve a purpose too. Even though I'm not sure what it could possibly be at this point. She did teach me a great amount about forgiveness, faith and believing in myself. But that's another post entirely.

So, my request for 2013 - Lord, give me the strength to make it through whatever it is that you throw at us this year. Help me to have more patience during those moments of insanity and suck, and help us find peace, not matter what the situation. And if you could help out with my GPA, I'd be eternally grateful.

....In sickness and in health

Well, it's true. I've spent the past month testing out those vows.

About 2 weeks before my birthday (roughly the first of September), I had a few days where I just didn't feel that great. But, school had just started back up, and there was lots of pressure being put on me for this semester, and I just blew it off as stress.

Fast forward to the Wednesday before my birthday. Enter nausea and general feelings of ickiness. Really?!? I'm going to be sick on my birthday. Seriously? So, I just tried not to hurl. Then Sunday. Oh Sunday. Sunday, September 23rd, will go down in history as the first day, that I would have gladly let someone perform weird science experiments on me to quickly end the pain.

Fast forward to the afternoon trip to the ER. They "thought" (you'll understand the quotes by the end) it was my gallbladder. Sent me off to do a CT scan, but I refused pain meds, because let's face it I had two tests I was trying to study for. I didn't have time for narcotics. So, CT scan showed my gallbladder to be okay. Well, at least non-life threatening. So, they gave me some drugs for nausea and pain and sent me home to study.

Spent the week thinking that I was going to die. Luckily I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. The "doctor" (you'll understand these quotes later too), and I'll use that term here loosely, said that some of my symptoms didn't match, but the pain was consistent with gallbladder, so "against her better judgment" she would send me for an ultrasound, because she would hate to be wrong. So on Friday, I had an ultrasound done to check the gallbladder out. According to the results, there were no stones, but the pain was also better than it had been earlier in the week. So, the "doctor" informs me to just enjoy the weight loss, and that not to be worried that I can't eat, can't drink, and have fairly decent pain, and she would see me again in a few weeks. Hopefully it would work itself out. Nice.

So, after the big time brush off, and after being told repeatedly, that "it was all in my head". I began to believe it. I figured, okay, maybe it's nothing. Maybe the older I get, the lower my pain tolerance has gotten. Maybe it's just a muscle being spazzy. Maybe, maybe, maybe. So I gave up. I thought that everything would eventually (probably about the same time I graduated) work itself out.

Then, about 2.5 weeks ago, I had a day of pain, nausea and it was a general day full of suck. So, I found a new doctor, hoping that this one would show some concern and not take the "wait and see" approach. So, I went. She thought, gallbladder. So she sent me for a HIDA scan. Which, was the longest 2.5 hours of my life. Take a nap, they tell me. Sure, because I've always wanted to take a nap, laying on a 2x4 with a pillow that makes paper look fluffy, in a room that apparently doubles as a meat locker on the weekends. Sure. I'll get right on that. I can't lay on my back because of the pain, so that was just a great, relaxing moment where I wanted to take a nap. Right.

So, my gallbladder, whom I have named Gertie played nice. Even after I barfed on the technician because she told me I had to chug an 8oz can of Ensure. Have you had Ensure? It's the nectar of the devil. It's awful, it has a weird after taste, it smells, it's thick. (Burp) Sorry, apparently the memory of the stuff is enough to get my stomach rolling again. So, I drink. I lay down, I tell them I'm going to vomit. I was told to breathe. Well, after the techs catty responses that I would be fine, I hurled, all over her brand new Nike's. They were cute. Not so much after that. However, the next tech, thankfully believed me when I told her that I couldn't drink all of that and not hurl again. So consequently, she let me drink half. Gertie, smiled for the camera.

So that's where I am today. Still have pain. Still have nausea. Still have some other weird, and rather gross side effects that I will spare you from. You can thank me now.

I have an appointment with a gastro November 20th. Yep, I typed that right. It's the earliest that I can get into see the doctor I wanted, or any doctor in my network for that matter. So I wait. And I hope that I don't hurl on a customer, a professor, or a boss. That can't help my grade or my job.

There are tons of things that it could be, and I would love to try a gluten free diet, and no dairy and to stand on my head when the moon is in the 4th house of the rising dog's, mother's, brother's, cousin's, friends house. But, alas, I have homework to do. I'd say I have laundry and cleaning, but I can only manage a few minutes before the pain takes my breath away and I have to take a break. So to say that my grades, my house, and my desk are a disaster, is an understatement. I don't think that a nuclear blast would cause as much destruction as this - whatever this is, has caused.

Thankfully, I have had a husband, who has stepped up to the plate. He's done laundry, cleaned, cooked, wrapped presents, and taken care of me. I'm quite appreciative for, because let's face it, there have been days where, I've googled "at home organ removal" out of desperation for some relief from the symptoms, that are making me crazy.

Which I find ironic. The doctor's think I'm crazy and everything is all in my head, yet, the actual symptoms are making me crazy.

As much as I'm glad that John is an amazing guy, and that he loves me enough to put up with my whiny, sick self for the amount of time that he has. He's given me pretty flowers, and brought me lunch, and gone out of his way to make this experience less...sucky.

I know the posts are sporadic while school is sucking up all my time, but I don't even want to just click publish on some that I have already written, because my heart's not in anything that I do these days. I'm in survival mode. I'm trying to keep my head above water with school, which is hard to do when you don't want to study because you feel so horrible, or you actually do study, but can't remember what you just spent the last 2 hours reading because you just want the pain to stop. I had made some commitments to events and other things this semester for Scentsy and other things, that I just don't care if I do or not. There are days where getting out of bed is an accomplishment. Then again there are days when it's just the pain, and I can manage to kick some butt and take some names, but when every.single. thing that you eat or drink makes you wonder what you were thinking about when you decided you had to eat or drink because you just want to curl up in a ball in a corner and not move so you don't hurl on someone, it gets hard. It takes a beating on your brain, on your heart, and after 1.5 months of the same stuff, your soul. Thankfully, I've had a better understanding of a friends journey with a cancer diagnosis this year, and I have a new level of respect for her after all of this.

I'm hanging on. Some days with a good, solid grip, and other days, well, I'm quite sure that my whining motivates those around me to chop on the branch I'm hanging on to. I'm not patient, and I want answers yesterday, so for those that follow me on twitter, and on this blog, I just want to say thanks for the love, prayers, jokes, and funny comments that you have sent my way. I'm quite sure that you are part of the group that's keeping me sane. Hopefully, this is an easy fix, whatever it is. I'm trying to find the blessing in this whole thing, but when your grades suck, and you feel bad, and you would rather lay in bed than go shopping for new clothes in smaller sizes, it's hard to find the blessing in anything. Although, I'll admit the weight loss is a nice fringe benefit, I can kiss that lovely number I had seen on my scale for 5.8 months goodbye, but I'd have rather kept the pounds and felt good, than this.

So, when I whine on Twitter, Facebook, or this blog, I'd like to ask you to do me a favor. Tell me to quite my whining and do some freaking homework. I might think your a jerk, but my GPA will thank you.

Online Classrooms and Ashford University (Sponsored Post)

Education is a topic that's very near and dear to my heart. You know, since I'm currently enrolled and all. Even though I took the non-traditional approach and didn't go back to college until I was 30 years old, it's a choice that I haven't regretted for a single moment. (Although, I would kindly appreciate someone pointing this out to me in a few weeks, when I'm in what I like to refer to as "The Homework Slave System").

Going back to college has opened the door to a whole list of possibilities. Not only career wise, but personally wise too. I don't do well in front of large groups of people, and college definitely forces you to learn how to talk to other people, especially if your interested in making good grades and passing your classes.The whole experience has forced me to do things that are out of my comfort zone on a daily basis. I've found myself forced to think in ways that I wouldn't have done otherwise. College has opened me up to a type of innocence by young adults who haven't had to face infertility, crazy in-laws, job loss and the other learning experiences that come with age.

When I began pursuing my options for returning to school, part of my desire to return was to be able to graduate and find a job that I love, not just one that pays the bills. I want to be excited about going to work each and every single day, instead of spending 8 hours wishing I was somewhere else. An online education opportunity, just like Ashford University paved the way for me to have that chance.

What's unique about Ashford University is that they provide extensive options for adults, like myself to go back to college and get a degree while still having the time to work a full time job and raise a family. Let's face it, technology advances so much each and every year that universities that aren't offering classes online being left in the dust, and because Ashford offers a program that you work into your schedule instead of working around, they are giving adults the opportunity to get the education that they have always wanted, that they have always dreamed of.

Even if you aren't interested in going back to college, watch the brief video. If nothing else, it will inspire you to see how the future is changing for many adults, and even fresh out of high school people too. Life works out in strange ways, because college at 30 sure wasn't on my to-do list. I figured that college would always be something I would do 'one day', a pipe dream.  Yet today, that dream is very much a part of my reality.

I spent 18 months at another online university earning my Associates degree, and I loved the online experience, and frankly if Ashford had been around back then, I would have definitely chosen their program! It's truly a wonderful option for someone who wants flexibility and a full time job while going to school.

Online classrooms are the way of the future. The technology at Ashford University is moving towards the future by allowing adults to realize their dreams and finally have an option that allows them to follow through. Online classrooms gave me the confidence to continue my education and helped to ensure that I could be successful both inside the classroom and outside as well.

If you had the chance to do something that you knew you couldn't fail at, would you try it?

What are you waiting for?



Disclaimer: This post has been sponsored by Ashford University, but all thoughts and opinions are completely my own.

Deciding it's a Gift and not a Burden

Our pastor at church is in the midst of a unique series called "Servolution". It's about learning to, and giving us opportunities to serve others. Part of what started this whole thing is a lemonade stand that our church family will be running during the South Plains Fair.

This past weekend, Pastor B discussed how to find your spiritual gifts. My husband elbowed me several times during some of the options.

Yet, as I sat there, my mind wondered, about what my gifts were.

See, I always wanted to do something that made a difference. Apparently I should have been more specific, and I've definitely picked the wrong major if I wanted a career that made a difference. Although, I did pick my career based on something that I love to do, that I enjoy, which makes me excited to sit through millions of hours of classes each semester. Can crazy be a gift?

So as Pastor B talked, I wondered what I'm good at.

I'm a nurturer by nature. I like to do things for other people. My friend Andrea that was diagnosed with cancer this year can agree to that. I've shared the wealth more often than not, that she probably gets tired of the text messages involving care packages for dinner, breakfast, and dessert. Although, I totally love sharing. It's nice to make a cake, and have someone enjoy the other half of it, instead of the creatures that roam the dumpster in the dead of night. I'd rather not think about those creatures, because they have beady little eyes, full of evil, and long twitchy tails, and they are just roaming the streets looking for tasty morsels.

Fabulous, now I'm not going to want to let my dogs out when it's dark tonight. Fan-freaking-tastic.

I like to listen to people talk. Not necessarily joining in, but just listening and observing. You learn a lot about people that way. Another of my friends, wiggles her hands when she is discussing something she would rather not be talking about. She rubs on her fingernails, and constantly moves her fingers. My husband, avoids eye contact. He looks down when he would rather not have the conversation with you or even glancing away while talking to you. My mother-in-law likes to dictate the flow of conversation. She likes the subject to change when she has nothing else to say about it, not necessarily when the rest of the group is ready to move on. So it makes me observant, and when something interests me in the conversation, I add to it. Or manage to say something that pisses someone off, depends on who's around and how much sarcasm I used. Super powers shouldn't get you in so much trouble, should they?

Back to Servolution. They were asking for volunteers, and frankly I miss church when we don't go. I never regret it. In fact, I have this amazing analogy that will probably have me skinned for making on my blog.

Church is like sex. Once I get there, I wonder why we don't go more often. Or why we don't have sex more often. Not while we are at church, but just in general. My husband goes to bed at 6pm. I have homework. You do the math. It's not easy to do either, but it's always worth it in the end.

 

Sorry John. Aunt D. My old youth minister's wife. Mom. Dad. Andrea.

 

 So volunteers. Well, they have this bible study at TTU on Thursday nights. So I thought, you know, maybe if I got to know some of the losers, underage hooligans, babies, youngins, fellow students, I might not feel like I'm all that much older than them. So because I had procrastinated, because let's face it, I'm not a people person. I don't like talking in front of crowds, or in front of small groups either. I don't like being put on the spot, even with people I know. So I hadn't emailed the guy in charge and told him that I would offer up my services. Just couldn't do it. So my husband drug me, by my hair, kicking and screaming to meet with the guy after church.

 

Here's how much I'm not a "people - person".

 

"Hi, I'm Abby Normal, and you don't know me, but I'm fantastic and you should."

 

Yep, totally said that. Still not sure why, but I was nervous, and I say goofy stuff. And that was just talking to him with no one but my husband as a witness. So I spewed out that I went back to school, blah blah blah, did he need help on Thursdays. All the while, praying he would say no. So apparently, the 30th, I'm serving pizza and bottles of water to college students, and trying not to vomit or say something goofy. It's going to be interesting to say the least. Will I regret doing it, probably not. But for the next 3 years, because that's probably how long it will take for me not to want to hurl before I walk in the door, I'll do it. Because, believe it or not, part of me would like to step out of my comfort zone.

 

The other part of me, well, she would like to find something that makes a difference. Not necessarily so that I can feel good about what I'm doing for someone else, but so that I can feel good about who I am again. Because somewhere along the way, I've lost that girl who wasn't afraid to take on the world. I've lost the girl who wanted her life to matter, not to someone else, but to myself. I'd like to find her, before I get older and have any regrets about what I could have done, if I'd only been less selfish, and less afraid of talking to strangers.

My mom should be so proud, apparently she nailed the "don't talk to strangers" lesson, since it still works on a 25, 29, 30, 32 year old.

Sometimes Different is Just Different

I'm 7 days into my no school vacation. 12 more days until Summer school begins. It's not nearly enough of a break. But, I refuse to spend the next 12 days whining, at least here about school. Well, I'll try not to whine much.

I had big plans this semester. I wanted to be able to have a life and go to school and work. I swear I keep finding out more ways that this whole process doesn't work than it does. I can't seem to find a groove where I don't feel like I'm giving something up or missing out on something, yet as time continues to march forward, I honestly don't can't remember what I'm fighting for or towards.

This year has been full of suck. If I thought last year was bad, this year makes last year look like a year long vacation at the beach. Perfect weather, no sunburns, my body clad in a bikini and no one puking. Perfect. This year...words cannot even begin to describe the level of suck.

Yet, I can't seem to make myself wish for something different. I can't seem to see myself anywhere else, other than where I am. I can't believe that I would give up the Saturday cookie runs with my sweet friend, who this year was diagnosed with cancer. I can't imagine giving up my Friday nights cooking goodies to share with her and her sweet family. I can't imagine a world where my in-laws were totally awesome. Yet, I've got to the point that I actually prefer their indifference. No more guilt about spending time with my family, and less rubbing in how perfect everyone else is to John and I. My grades aren't what I would like for them to be, yet, I can't imagine giving up more than I feel like I already have to make them completely awesome. Although, I'm quite sure if I would cut the cord to Facebook, I would be fine. It's a great time waster for college students who want to avoid homework. I stalk people I don't even know, and probably wouldn't even like in real life so I can avoid homework. Yet, I can't imagine giving up school, even though most days it feels like it will be a lifetime before I graduate.

So, yeah, I would like things to be different. I would like John's cousin's wife to have not ended her own life. I would like my friend to be well so we could enjoy our hot sauce dates and movie nights. I would like to be finished with school. I'd like my grandfather to be able to sit at my college graduation and watch me get my diploma. Yet, all of the things I would like different, I would miss out on the thought provoking conversations that I've had on a random cookie run. Conversations that, even though she doesn't realize the impact they have had, has caused us to completely change our plans for the future. They have caused us to have conversations and rethink things that we were unsure of before.

If this year has taught me anything it's that sometimes different is just different. It's not any better or any worse than the what's happening in my little world right now, it's just different. So, I guess the saying about if all of the worlds problems were in a pile and you could see what all was going on in other people's lives, you would gladly take your own problems back. Besides, sometimes those problems end up being a blessing, and who can complain about that?

Finding Faith

Last Friday I posted the following post on Facebook: ""And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands, For You are who You are no matter where I am, And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand, You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." ~Casting Crowns. Send us a few extra prayers today, we have hit a bump in the road and could use some additional strength."

Then on Monday, well you can read about the tragedy that our family endured over the weekend.

Then yesterday, we got more news, that we could have lived without. John's grandmother, Granny, has a mass on her brain.

For about half a second I wanted to cry.

My husband's unemployed, my beautiful niece's heartache, and now Granny.

Yet, as I sat in the truck with my husband, this immense feeling of peace washed over me. It was as if I had taken a breath and blew all of that stuff out and everything was perfect again.

Then I wanted to laugh. Pure laughter, not sarcasm, not because it was the only thing going to keep me from having a meltdown in our driveway, but simply because the thought of that old saying that "God will never give you more than you can bear" popped into my head.

Apparently, I can handle all of this. It's no big deal. God has faith that I can handle this.

So that got the wheels turning and had me wondering, if His faith in me is great enough that I can handle, working full time, school full time, husband's unemployment, nieces situation, Granny, then shouldn't that faith in Him to get us through all of this be twice as large, if not larger?

Sure, I felt silly laughing and joking with my husband about "bringing it", not that I was asking God for more sorrow or heartache, but that I was just so impressed by God's faith in our strength, in my strength. So we laughed, and we both knew that no matter what, everything was still ok. If not even good.

We have a place to live, a car, we are both healthy, I'm still employed. We have so much, and there are some with so little, that it's not unreasonable to have these moments of joy in the midst of unhappiness and trials and life lessons, or whatever you want to call this.

Sure, I have moments where I panic, but they are moments. There are moments of worry, but it's not constant. Because every single time that those thoughts pop up, I have prayed. Some days there have been a lot, and other days, just a few. I've asked for my husband to find a job he loves, I've asked that my niece find peace, I've asked that Granny's mass be something simple and easy to fix. I've asked for the strength to wipe the worry out of my mind so that I can focus on homework.

I'm simply putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that we can learn something from this, that I can learn something from this. There is a blessing in here somewhere. I just have to find it.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Selfless

I don't realize how lucky I am, or how much my husband loves me until days like today.

He is willing to sacrifice his happiness, his career with a nation wide company, to change jobs for $20,000 more per year, so that I could quit my job and simply worry about school.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be a blessing. It would. It would make my stress level decrease incredibly.

And he would give up everything he has now, simply because he is tired of seeing me tired.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

My only response to him: do what makes you happy. I'll work twice as hard at school if I have to, if you want to stay where you are. I'll make sacrifices that I need to so I can do this.

His response: if it makes your life easier, it can only make my life better.

I'm so glad I married that man. I love him with all my heart.

My only regret. That his family wasn't a colony of flies on the wall for that conversation. They might have learned something about the kind of person that their son, brother, and grandson is in those moments.

The crazy in my head...and my life

The ship with all the free time on it...she sailed off. What a pain in the oar.

You can stop groaning now. It wasn't that cheesy. Ok. Maybe it was.

The homework boat has set up and she doesn't appear to be moving. I could use some dynamite. That might blow her out of the water. It also might blow my head up, so let's rethink that plan.

I'm busy. I'm covered up in homework, and I don't know what to write about. I don't want this blog to be all, school, school, homework, school...you get the point.

I sat down last night, when I should have been doing homework, and I re-read some of the posts that I wrote a year ago. I miss those posts. I miss that person. Maybe I'm still trying to compare myself to other blog writers and maybe I'm still telling myself that I don't measure up. Lord knows I do it often during all these classes. With all these babies. I feel way out of my league. They make me feel so...old.

My birthday is next week. A week from yesterday in fact. I'll be 32. It's September. Which is 3.5 months from Christmas and I haven't done any shopping yet. I'm usually almost done by now, and I haven't even started.

I think of all these awesome posts, and then I talk myself out of writing them. I have to quit doing that. I have to stop being so worried about what you think, about what the rest of the world things and only worry about what I think.

Sorry for the randomness. I can't sleep. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm annoyed. I'm questioning everything, like I always do around my birthday. I'm feeling sorry for myself, because let's face it, my life isn't the perfect little life I would like for it to be. So just bare with me while I try to figure it all out.

Tomorrow is Friday. And I promise to shed this depressed whiny self between now and Monday. Because I have a giveaway for you to get all excited about next week!!!

Monday's

I think that Monday's were invented to help you plan for retirement.

Because every time one rolls around, I can't wait for the day that I don't have to get up and go to work, when every day can be a weekend.

Because let's face it, Monday's really bite.

I'm tired, thanks to my husband's phone ringing at 4:45am and then his alarm went off at 5, 5:15, 5:30, 5:45, and 6am. Time he got out of bed 6:45, when my alarm went off. He is lucky to be alive. He will be mighty lucky if he survives the day with his butt intact, because my patience is very, very, very thin today.

After tomorrow I may be writing this blog from prison if he even sets his alarm. And one little gray dog might be added to the mix if she doesn't stop barking and growling while I'm in the shower, naked, covered in soap and trying to shave while she barks. So if your the person who is making her bark, if I cut my leg shaving, I'm so adding you to my body count. Of course, your going to get a free peep show before your untimely demise.

I hope your Monday is shaping up better than mine. I'm off to learn the days of the week in Spanish. So that I will understand how Monday's bite in more than one language.

Have a Happy Monday. Or at least avoid homicide today.

The post where I don't write a post

I'm tired.

I'm drowning in a sea of homework.

Spanish, calculus, rock and roll, economics, lab reports. They are all a blur in brightly colored notebooks and folders.

Como se llama? Do I want to see the llama? You want me to watch an entire movie in Spanish, when I can barely tell you my name and that I need to pee?

2+2 only equals 4 if and only if you can stand on your head while counting to 100 backwards.

Did I mention how tired I am?

GDP. GNP. IIP. PIP. WTH. WFD.

Blues, jazz, country, rock, I wasn't even alive in the 1800's. I don't even like rock and roll so why do I care where it originated from back in the 1800's. Just give me the easy A that this class was supposed to be so I can move on down the road.

I'm tired. I'm remembering the stuff I hated about school. I've lost that loving feeling. Now I'm getting the used and abused feeling. Now I understand why college students drink so much alcohol. It's the only way to keep your sanity.

Be thankful for the random posts. At least I'm still writing them, and at this point last semester I wasn't. Beggars can't be choosers. But I couldn't skip, or I will screw up my landing my 200th post on my birthday. And I'm so anal and crazy that just wouldn't work, and neither would coming up with 20 posts on the 20th either.

I'm going to go read about the history of rock and roll. And no, the class sucks thus far. And then I'm going to go practice writing in Spanish so I don't fail my writing assignment tomorrow. Think of me, and send me Spanish thoughts. Gracias.

*This moment of crazy brought to you by...me.

Send

I finally took a leap of faith.  One that I should be terrified over, but instead, all I can find is peace and calm.

I finally clicked SEND.

I emailed my advisor with the University of Phoenix today.  I wrote the message over 2 weeks ago, I just haven't had the courage to press send.  I have gone into my email and re-read the message almost daily for 2 weeks.  Today, I finally hit send.

I have been so stressed and so worried about school and the future that I have been making myself crazy.  I have been so worked up about the not knowing that I finally made some serious decisions about what I could do to relieve my stress and hopefully find peace.

I'm not going back to Phoenix.  I feel like I have learned something, but it isn't where I want to end up.  I don't feel like it's the right place for me to finish out my degree.  I don't feel confident with how much information is crammed down my throat at a time that I can make it in the corporate world.  I will always be thankful for the starting point that they have given me.  For the self confidence that I have gained, that I am more capable than I give myself credit for.  They were just what I needed in order to gain the strength, courage and confidence in myself to keep going and finish what I started so many years ago.

I realize that Tech will provide it's own challenges, but I want to go to Tech.  Period.  I have gone back and forth about it in the weeks since I submitted my application.  Even as I write this post I find myself wanting to wonder and question whether or not I am doing the right thing.  I'm so afraid that this is going to come back and bite me in the butt.  Yet, just closing my eyes for a second and taking a deep breath, I realize that it will all work out in the end.  Maybe not the way I have in mind, but it will all work out.  I'm right where God wants me to be.

I don't know if I'm going to get into Tech.  I don't know if I'm going to have to quit a job I love so I can continue to pursue a dream.  I don't know if I'm going to lose a million pounds and be the next Victoria's Secret model.

I do know that I want to finish, but I also know that in less than 2 weeks, I will be a college graduate.  Something that I would have never dreamed possible.  I've made it this far, so the next 3-ish years should be a piece of cake.  I know that my husband and I are both aware of the sacrifices that this choice will require from both of us.  I'm willing to take a bigger leap of faith than I have ever done in order to see this through.

I know that no matter what happens God has big things planned for me.  Things that may or may not include Tech and other plans I have in mind for my future.  The funny thing is, today, I'm ok with that.  But ask me again tomorrow, because I'm pretty sure that tomorrow or next week, or in the next 5 minutes, I'm going to freak out again.  Then again, maybe I'll just have faith.  Faith in the unknown and  in the meantime I'll rest up for the next adventure.

~The quality of a university is measured more by the kind of student it turns out than the kind it takes in. ~Robert J. Kibbee


~Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. ~Author Unknown

Almost Wordless Thursday

You should be appreciative that today is Thursday.  You almost got pictures instead of words.  I'm still a little freaked out, and I really feel like hunkering down somewhere and trying to regain my bearings.

I submitted my application today.

It's too late now.

I'm freaking terrified.

I figured that this wouldn't be a big deal, that they won't reject me.  Yet, as I started to fill out that application, I began to wonder.  What will happen if I don't get in?  Oh crap.

Well THAT thought hadn't ever occurred to me.  But I started to have these racing thoughts, and probably a racing heart and high blood pressure too.  Things like : They will think I'm too old.  I'm too immature (I might have been slightly sarcastic on the 2nd essay).  I put too much info on the essays, I didn't put enough.  I need a margarita.  They will know I need a margarita and think I'm a party girl.  They will tell me that I have to live in the dorm and my husband won't like that. Hell, I won't like that.

Needless to say, today, I simply verified the information, made sure it was correct, didn't even open my essays up and re-read them for the 30th time.  I just paid my money and clicked send.  And held my breath.

I'm pretty sure I'm not breathing right now either.

I'm sure that I'm stressing over nothing, that they are going to send me a letter begging me to join them.  At least I'm hoping that is what happens.

I bet right about now, you are really wishing that I would have kept my freak-out to myself and posted pictures.  Don't worry, when I log in tomorrow to make a post, I'm going to wish the exact same thing, just a day later than you.

Those doubts just made me realize how badly that I want things to work out.  That this is so much more important to me than I first realized.  I just hope that God and I are on the same page and His plans are my plans.  Then again, I'm pretty sure that the saying goes something like, I make plans and God just laughs.

New Baby Syndrome

It's official. I have been diagnosed with New Baby Syndrome.

First, let me explain. Have you ever had a friend who gets pregnant and all they talk about is baby? Or they meet a new guy and all you hear about is him? New car? House? Dog? Cat? Can opener?

My husband's grandparents were here from Las Vegas over Thanksgiving. I started new classes that week. I was a little overwhelmed with homework, and I did something that most people would call tacky and rude; I took my laptop with me so that I could work on homework while I was at my mother-in-laws (MIL) house.

Yeah.

I'm a big family person. Especially grandparents. I had a unique relationship with my grandparents, and my husband has a special relationship with this particular set of grandparents. I know that it was pretty awful of me to do, but on the other hand what would have been said if I had just stayed home. Probably worse things than what was.

I decided to go back to school at 30. I have a family (husband and two puppies), a job (bookkeeper/office manager), house (with an extra person - Brad's grandfather) to take care of. Add homework to that and things get kinda scary every once in a while. Sometimes I really wish that we could swap shoes with other people and let them walk a mile in ours and perhaps they would understand. Thankfully, after a little explaining on my part, and a grandfather who went back to college at 40, an understanding was reached. So not all was lost.

Or so I thought.

I lost out both ways. I felt extra stressed out because I was trying to do homework in a short amount of time and spend time with his grandparents. It was one of those weeks that made me wonder if I was doing the right thing. If I was going to do anything more than piss off both of our families, or if perhaps they could understand.

I went to college right out of high school. I also worked full time and took 12 hours and somehow managed to commute 2 hours round trip every day. Until I had a melt down. One can't live on 4-5 hours of sleep for months with no break. Sure, I could go back to a traditional university. But instead of graduating in 2012, I would probably graduate in 2020. Seriously. I would be 40 before I even graduated, and I would still have my masters to obtain. I don't want to be 40 and still working at a job that is great, but just not what I really want to be doing.

How does this all relate to new baby syndrome?

I eat, sleep, think, and here lately dream about school. Yeah, I lead such an exciting life. I also have been thinking about this from a different perspective. When I make up my mind that I am going to do something - I'm going to do it. I kinda focus on it, and let everything else take a back seat. It's probably not the most productive attitude to have, but sometimes we need to give something our all in order for the job to get done.

I want this so bad that I can taste it, but I don't want to graduate and none of my family still be speaking to me. How do you explain to someone how things in your life are like and give them a taste of things in your shoes?

Realistically - you can't. I can only tell them that I'm busy with school, and hope that they understand how important this is too me, and how much I want and need their support. Even if it means an inconvenience for a while.

Maybe this is one of those little lessons that life throws at you to make you step back and realize that your priorities might need to be adjusted. Or maybe this is a chance. A chance to grow and change and become a better person. Maybe God is preparing me for something bigger and worse to deal with. Maybe this is the worst. Maybe we are teaching someone else a life lesson.

"If you could be or do anything & not fail... What would you be or do?" ~UOP

"It is never too late to become what you might have become."~ George Eliot

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. "~ Albert Einstein

"There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day."~ Alexander Woollcott

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."~ William James

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."~ Ursula K. Le Guin

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it. "~ The Buddha

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."~ Dawna Markova

Something I'm not

I always wanted to be a blonde. I honestly have no clue why.

I wanted to have blonde hair that looked like I had just stepped out of the salon with a fresh, tight spiral perm. And I wanted blue eyes. I don’t have a clue as to why those were the features that I would change.

Instead I got thick brown, curly on some days, frizzy on others, seriously confused hair and big brown, puppy dog eyes. The eyes don’t get me much of anything, but they work wonders for my dogs.

Why is it that no one is ever completely and totally happy with the way they look? There is always at least one thing that they would change. Today, when I honestly thought about why I wanted those features I couldn’t answer you. It can’t be so I could have more fun. I have tons of fun. Ok, so before going back to school, I remember having fun once upon a time ago. So why?

Do we use our looks/weight/brains as an excuse? I didn’t get the job or the grade, because I’m a brunette, or not blonde. Is that really how society works? I think that most people like to think so. I think that we have been programmed to need a scapegoat; that we need someone or something to blame, other than ourselves. I think that we have been taught that failure is “ok”. Just cover it up, place the blame somewhere else and pretend like nothing happened. Don’t get me wrong, failure is awesome, probably not when you screw up or immediately thereafter. But you learn, you figure out what worked and what didn’t and you move on. At least that's what I thought.

I think that we are sending out the wrong message to our children about failure. They are growing up thinking that everything should be handed to them, that they shouldn’t earn their successes or their rewards. I can understand building up a child’s confidence when they are 3-4 years old and letting them “win”. Why? It gives them the security that they need to attempt something. It gives them the confidence to even try. I do believe that the older they get that they need to learn to accept defeat and without a temper tantrum as well. As an adult we fail on a daily basis. Some mistakes are so big that they completely change our lives; while some or only an inconvenience. We screw up, we are human, and it’s to be expected. These kids that have never learned how to fail are doomed. What are they going to do when their car breaks down and they don’t have the money to fix it? What are they going to do when they are turned down for a job, because there was a better candidate? Flip out? Commit suicide? Throw a temper tantrum in the elevator? Probably so.

I’m all for trying and failing. It teaches you patience, perseverance, sympathy and even a little humility. It also teaches you how to bandage broken toes and patch holes in walls. It teaches you how to bite your tongue when you would like to tell your boss where to place his "idea". Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. You don’t always get the job you want, the promotion or picked first for the team. Some days you are going to feel like the biggest dunce on the planet; and other days, you will feel like you are on top of the world.

What’s my point? I am taking a class from hell at the moment. This class is taking every bit of my patience, perseverance, and knowledge, just to make it through. It is taking three times the amount of studying just to keep my head above water. It’s hard, and right now it is all that stands in my way. It is the only thing keeping me from taking another step towards my dream of a bachelor’s degree. Are there going to be harder classes? Unfortunately, I’m afraid so.

It’s just another boulder that I’m trying to turn into a stepping-stone. If I let this one class stand in my way, if I expected to pass the class without doing any of the work, then my journey would end here. Plus I wouldn't gain anything. But because I have learned how to fail gracefully, I can keep working with that boulder until it falls into place. I may not maintain my A average, but even if I fail, as long as I have learned something and don’t give up, then have I really failed? Or did I just learn what not to do next time?



“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely.” ~Henry Ford