When Life Breaks Your Heart

Every now and then, we all have one of those days. One of those days when everything that can possibly go wrong, does.

Those days frustrate, make us grumpy and unpleasant to be around. But every now and then, things are so, so much worse. Death, disease, natural disasters and those are just the icing on the cake of suck.

Life has been crazy since I started college. There are days that I have to prioritize, and things like cleaning and laundry take a backseat to homework and studying. There are days this semester that I walked around campus nearly in tears wondering "what in the hell am I doing here?" I didn't feel like I "belonged" there. I was too old, I was too...everything. As I started making better grades and started remembering that this was going to be hard, but how much I was enjoying it, I stopped feeling so...inadequate.

All the years of trying to have a baby took their toll on my body, my brain, my bank account, and my heart. And once again, inadequate. My body had failed me. Something somewhere doesn't work right. I don't know, doctor's don't know, specialists don't know.

Hi, we know you have something wrong where you can't get pregnant, but we have ran all these tests and all these procedures, but we don't know why you can't. Let's try in-vitro. Oh, I don't know if that will work, but what's $12000 in the grand scheme of things?

It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it's only been weeks. John's grandfather, who has been fighting cancer, passed away. Our world was quickly turned upside down. We went from watching him make improvements, to just giving up. His body, worn out, just couldn't take anymore, and frankly I think he was tired and ready for the end.

We packed up and drove 800 miles to Nevada to spend some time with my husband's grandmother. Which, now in hindsight, was actually the beginning of the end.

It's no secret that my in-laws and I haven't had the greatest relationship. I have blogged about it on occasion, but I have always kept their true identities from you. Simply because someone could figure out who they were and then figure out who I was. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't get to hide behind my alter ego.  But over the course of the next few days and weeks, there are going to be posts here, that are going to delve deeply into my life. What I'm going to be posting could very well cause my readers to question my own morals and beliefs, I simply ask you to read through the whole story. Then you can feel free to pass judgement on our actions.

So to those of you who know my real identity, I ask that you continue to comment, but also help me protect it. Because if, somewhere down the road things were to change, I don't want anything that I've written here to come back to haunt me, John, or them.