Monday, May 23, 2011


The last few weeks have been mentally and emotionally draining as we have battled through the drama with John's family. And just when we feel comfortable about our choices and our decisions, my family rears it's ugly head.

You know that saying when it rains it pours? First of all the "it" that is being generally described has been a word that I really don't want to put into this blog, but it's often used when referencing poop. Yeah that. All sorts of poopy things have rained today.

Now I'm thinking about dirty diapers falling from the sky. Hundreds of thousands of dirty diapers falling.

Now your thinking of it too. You're welcome.

But I digress. Today, after almost a year of no word from him I get a message on facebook from my father. Ok, let me clarify that. My father on paper. I've mentioned him previously here and here. His name is on my birth certificate, but he has never been a father. Think glorified sperm donor. (Now hopefully your thinking less about poopy diapers falling from the sky.)

He is in town. And wants to see me. I haven't seen that man since December 18, 1999. Yes, I remember the day exactly. It was the day I got married. The last time I actually spoke on the phone to him, was in 2001. Haven't heard from him since then.

He had made contact with me on facebook last year. We messaged back and forth for several weeks and months discussing a few things in my life. I hit the high points, mostly because I didn't want him knowing too much and it coming back to bite me.

He likes to play the blame game. Everything was someone else's fault. He did absolutely nothing wrong. He was perfect. Which is the biggest crock of crap I have ever heard of.

The child that he wants to have a relationship with now is perfect. Now he thinks that I am worthy of his time and affection. He sure didn't when I was a kid. My friends who wouldn't have known what a good grade was if it bit them on the butt, were perfect. Yet, my B's should have been A's and if I got all A's then those should have been 4.0 A's. Or it was something else. Nothing pleased him, nothing made him happy.

So when I saw that message on facebook I did what any rational person would do. I logged out and logged back in, just to make sure I was signed into my account. You know, just in case.

Then I send my husband a text message. "I need to talk to you. Lee sent me a message on facebook. He is in town and wants to see me."

My husband's response "Are you serious?"

Even he was in disbelief.

And so now here I sit, trying to figure out what to do. What should I do? Do I open up a can of worms? Do I put forth the effort only to get my heart broken again, somewhere down the line? Or do I make a choice that I'll always wonder about? The "What if" I had said yes.

So here I sit, waiting and wondering. I've prayed, I've called, I've even messaged random people on facebook and asked them what to do.

Do I hold on to the past and let that allow for no room in the future, or do I walk back out on that bridge and meet him halfway? Do I save myself the heartache that I know is inevitable, or do I risk it?  This is one of those sucky situations where no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter which choice I make, it's always going to be regretted.

Sometimes being an adult really sucks.

~Don't ask me for the respect that you aren't willing to give, the phone call you aren't willing to make, and the visit you are too busy for. -Unknown

~Don't ask me to treat you like a priority, when I'm only an option. -unknown

~Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.      -Author Unknown

~Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

1 comment:

  1. What a conundrum! Sorry you're going through this. I have a similar situation with my own father, though not quite to that extent. I hope whatever you decide brings YOU peace and comfort. In my opinion, it is not weak or does not make you a bad person to have had enough and not put yourself through it. But you just have to do what's best for YOU. Good luck!



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