Monday, August 1, 2011

Who You Aren't

It's not who you are that holds you's who you think you aren't. ~Unknown

The last few weeks have been draining, both physically as well as mentally. It's hard watching someone you love suffer, and die. I wouldn't with that experience on anyone, but at the same time, I think it's something that every human should witness, simply because it gives you a big dose of humility.

I've spent the better part of the last month feeling incredibly sorry for myself. With all the drama with my in-laws and my summer slowing slipping away, and some of the plans I had hoped to accomplish with it, it's been a hard few months around here. Self doubt has definitely taken over my life.

Friday on Facebook, one of my contacts had posted the above quote, and it got the wheels turning. There may or may not have been grease involved, since it's been a while since those wheels were turning.

It's not who I am. Why? Because, amazingly so, I'm awesome. I'm sweet, I'm kind, according to the family at the memorial service, I'm an amazing writer. John's cousins poured on the praise, even my father-in-law commented, so obviously, I can, on occasion, write. It's not who I am that holds me back. It's not who I am that things I'm too fat, too stupid, too slow, too old, not worthy, not beautiful, not a good writer. It's the person I think I'm not.

That person, is a real pain in the neck. She thinks all those things. She thinks that I have nothing to offer, she thinks that I can't. When in fact, I can. She thinks that I'm not worthy of praise, and sometimes even love. She thinks that I'm not, and everyone else is.

I'm starting to think that she needs a muzzle. Preferably in pink.

I can. I am. I will. I have.

I can do whatever I want, as long as I put in the effort and the work. I am worthy. Of love, of understanding, of kindness, of happiness. I will go where I want to and do what I want in my life, so long as I work towards it. I have a great family, wonderful friends, and my husband's extended family, with cousins (who let me spoil their children), and aunts and uncles, and a grandfather. Yes, it still hurts that they don't love me. It still hurts that they don't bother to get to know me, but I can't make them. I can only be me, and let them find out for themselves that they have been missing.

That part that isn't me, well she's still me too. She's the one who sometimes pushes me into working harder. She's the one with incredible strength, that let's me borrow some of hers, when I think I can't go on. She's the one who pushes me to do things that terrify me. That person that I'm not, she is part of me too, I just don't listen to her much. Sometimes, she thinks that I'm the one that needs the muzzle. And duct tape. She's the one who tells me I can, when I think I can't. She's the one who pushes me to do better, to be better. She's the one who tells me that I am (fill in the blank).

Most of the time, she could use a muzzle. But don't tell her I said that.

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