Wordy Wednesday

I had planned on writing a post yesterday. But when I woke up yesterday morning and figured that I would have to feel better in order to die, you guys just weren't a priority. Not puking on my boss, that was a priority.

There is a lot that has happened since last Friday. We have been busy completely turning our lives upside down.

The time has came. We made some serious choices this morning, and now we wait.  We are moving. We are leaving John's grandfather's house, which has been our home for the past 3 years.

Part of me is sad. We have lived there for so long that it's home. We have had the benefits of living cheaply and rent free, but on the other hand it has cost us a lot. We have strained relationships with family because of this, and I'm afraid that what we have witnessed is only the beginning. I'm afraid that there are going to be harsher words and things said, and that we are going to doubt this move.  I'm having doubts. It's terrifying to go down this road. To have to worry about money again, when for the last 3 years, I haven't had to count every penny. We have managed to get out of debt. We have managed to do a few things that we wouldn't have otherwise dreamed of. It's been freeing.

On the other hand we have taken care of a man that no one else has wanted to. That no one else can be burdened with. And sadly to be losing those duties is a relief. Mostly because I'm tired of not being good enough in general, but I'm good enough to take care of the people that no one else wants to. I'm going to be selfish. I'm going to make this about me and my own life and well being. And my own happiness. Parts of the last 3 years I have loved, but the majority of it has been spent with dread and walking on eggshells. And if everything works out, in a few short weeks, I won't be doing that anymore.

Do I feel guilty? Absolutely! I was raised that you took care of family. That you stepped up to the plate. That you didn't shrink from your responsibilities where family was concerned. But John's family sees things differently. Because I'm afraid that when Papa comes home that we will still be stuck with the burden of caring for him. So I go from relief to anger. It's like flipping a switch.

This afternoon, I have simply prayed. I prayed that if this was the direction that we needed to take that God put his stamp of approval on it. If not, to please let my own needs scream louder than His voice so that I might know which path to take. And for patience if this isn't the right time, and for understanding to all of those who will be effected. We aren't only changing our lives, but others as well.