September 11th

It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years. It's hard to believe that 10 years ago today, our lives, our country, our world was changed forever.

I still remember watching the news after the first tower had hit the first tower just after I had gotten to work that morning. My husband was at home, he had gotten injured at work and was home on medical leave while his foot healed. I remember the girl in the cubicle in front of me, her phone rang, it was her husband calling to tell us the 2nd tower had been hit. Then the reports started coming in that it wasn't an accident, that it wasn't a plane who had problems.

I can remember watching television and thinking that we were watching stories about other places and  countries, not about the United States. I remember thinking that I was so thankful that we were so far away from New York. Then I remember being saddened by the people who wouldn't be going home that night and for those families whose lives would never be the same.

It's also hard to believe that we have forgotten. We remember the impact that was felt in our lives, but we don't remember what it did to us as a nation. We don't remember the dignity, sympathy and compassion that our leaders had in the moments, days, weeks, months and years that followed. We want to blame a recession on the former president and the events of those days. We want to forget and move on because those days, those images, those courageous people that took matters into their own hands and helped to bring down a plane in a field, and limit the number of lives lost.

We have forgotten. We had too. It's human nature. It's part of the circle of life and the way that things work. We didn't want to, but life goes on. Even those people who lost someone that day, their lives went on.

There are tons of memorials today. There are tons of ways to remember and to honor those who have lost their lives that day, and the soldiers that have lost their lives since then. It's important today that we remember to honor those that sacrificed their lives so that our lives could be different.



~When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."  ~Author Unknown

~Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown

Five Question Friday

Thank goodness. I'm not sure I would have survived another work/school day this week. I'm exhausted. The homework showers have started, and they aren't letting up anytime soon. So I'm swamped.

No big plans this weekend, I try to keep my schedule light during school so I can play catch up on the weekends. I'm going to try to get all caught up on homework, as well as work on getting catalogs ready for my open house in October. And I have Scentsy to deliver. And I might try to unpack a few more boxes, because let's face it, I'm still not through unpacking. Eek!

Happy weekend.

1. What ringtone do you have on your cell phone?

Well, it's unique. And it isn't one particular person's ringtone. It's everyone's. I don't discriminate.

First you get a sound that sounds like some sort of alarm going off...then...wait for it..."Warning: It's that weirdo calling, Warning: it's that weirdo calling.

See, I said I don't discriminate, most of the people who call me are weird. The ones who text me aren't.

2. What is your favorite memory from this summer?

This summer was full of suck. There were bright spots, but dealing with Papa's illness and unexpected death has been difficult. We spent all of July waiting, and celebrating his life. Then in August, we were just trying to survive, trying to function like normal human beings.

Probably some of the best memories are the ones of us sitting in Papa's hospital room, telling stories and laughing. The night after the memorial service when we all sat around at the hotel and laughed and told stories and caught up with the family we don't see nearly often enough. Those moments, those memories were such bright spots in days that we thought we would drown in sadness. Those moments reminded me about the importance of family and making memories with them.

Our Friday night dinner dates with our local "family" have been such a blessing too. It has been amazing to discover and get to know some of John's childhood friends. Their laughter and their lives have become such an important part of ours that they continue to be a thing of joy in our lives, and let's face it, we can always use more joy.

3. Paper books or ebooks?

I love to read. I prefer suspense, but every now and then a girl needs a good trashy romance novel to remind her to bug her husband about romance. However, after our recent move and the discovery that I have way (way, way, way) too many books, I have decided to downsize. But only in theory. My husband doesn't know it yet, but he is getting me a Nook for my birthday. I'm going to move all of my books from paper to digital. I'm not really thrilled about it, because I love the way books smell, but on the other hand, it's getting hard to find a place to stick all those books. And under the bed isn't a suitable home any longer.

 

4. If you could have one home upgrade what would it be and why?

Can I just have the home first? We rent a duplex. We didn't want to buy, because let's face it, our future is very unknown considering that I am going to college, and I want to do corporate accounting. There aren't a lot of job options here. So, we wanted to keep our options open. That way if I get offered a job making millions somewhere else, I didn't have to worry about leaving a house that I loved. Because I wouldn't have bought something I didn't love. Frankly, it comes down to the fact that I didn't want to have to break up with my house.

5. When was your first serious boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

I had a few before my husband, but honestly the details are sketchy. John was a love or lust at first sight kind of thing. The afternoon I met him, I knew I wanted to get to know him better. And to be honest, the 2nd time we hung out, every other guy I had ever dated or lusted over ceased to exist. There are moments that I remember about ex's, but they are only moments not the complete relationship. I can't even tell you know how I met most of them, or even how we broke up. When John came along, they ceased to exist.

 

So to answer the original question, I was in high school. That's about all I remember.

The post where I don't write a post

I'm tired.

I'm drowning in a sea of homework.

Spanish, calculus, rock and roll, economics, lab reports. They are all a blur in brightly colored notebooks and folders.

Como se llama? Do I want to see the llama? You want me to watch an entire movie in Spanish, when I can barely tell you my name and that I need to pee?

2+2 only equals 4 if and only if you can stand on your head while counting to 100 backwards.

Did I mention how tired I am?

GDP. GNP. IIP. PIP. WTH. WFD.

Blues, jazz, country, rock, I wasn't even alive in the 1800's. I don't even like rock and roll so why do I care where it originated from back in the 1800's. Just give me the easy A that this class was supposed to be so I can move on down the road.

I'm tired. I'm remembering the stuff I hated about school. I've lost that loving feeling. Now I'm getting the used and abused feeling. Now I understand why college students drink so much alcohol. It's the only way to keep your sanity.

Be thankful for the random posts. At least I'm still writing them, and at this point last semester I wasn't. Beggars can't be choosers. But I couldn't skip, or I will screw up my landing my 200th post on my birthday. And I'm so anal and crazy that just wouldn't work, and neither would coming up with 20 posts on the 20th either.

I'm going to go read about the history of rock and roll. And no, the class sucks thus far. And then I'm going to go practice writing in Spanish so I don't fail my writing assignment tomorrow. Think of me, and send me Spanish thoughts. Gracias.

*This moment of crazy brought to you by...me.

Things I have noticed (that I would rather not)

I have debated over the last few weeks, with school back in session if I am getting old or if people younger than me are just crazy. I think it's both. Here is a list of things I have noticed recently. These are in no particular order.

- Mi espanol professora. (She would be so proud.) (But then again probably not if she knew that's about all I know how to say.) We can call or text her until 3am. 3.A.M. At that time of night I like to have been sleeping for several hours by now. I would love to be able to get by on 4-5 hours of sleep and still be a happy, functional person. I'm not happy unless I'm in bed by 11. I'm not happy or functional without at least 7 hours, preferably more.

- Shorts. I wear boyshort underwear. There, I said it. Now you know what kind of panties are under my clothing...happy? They cover the butt cheeks. The shorts that I see most of the girls at school wearing barely do. You people would be appalled if I let all my cellulite, stretch marks, varicose veins and fat hang out like that. I'm appalled that you let your butt cheeks hang out. If you don't want to see mine, then the odds are very, very, very high, that I don't want to see yours either.

- Skinny Jeans + Boy = uh no. Don't do it. Skinny jeans and boy don't even belong in the same sentence. This is just...ew.

- Boys I don't want to see your "drawes". (Thank you, to the guy sitting behind me in math for correcting my pronunciation, I've always wanted to sound gangsta.) Your boxers, briefs, or lack there of is not something I want to see. If I wanted to see "drawes" I would unzip my pants, or my husbands and look at his.

- Gangsta. I'm almost 32 years old. I don't want to talk gangsta, I don't want to sound gangsta, I don't want to look gangsta. So, once again to the guy sitting behind in math, "let me borrow your stick" makes me want to hand you a tree branch, not a pencil.

- Why does everyone wait until Saturday to go to the grocery store? Go a different day. It's easier. That way I can still go on Saturday and beat the crowds. m'Kay? Thanks!

- I made a copy of my schedule and gave to my boss, my other boss, the shop foreman, the installation guy, and there is a copy on my desk. Yet they all still ask me what my hours are for the following day and if I can skip classes. I can skip anything if you pay me enough. I am not above bribes, but my lowest price starts with three zero's, before the decimal point. Hey, don't judge. When I graduate I'm going to owe tons in student loans, if those bribes will pay for my tuition so I don't have to rely on Uncle Sam, then by all means, bribe away.

- Does TTU funnel something into their buildings that makes you need to pee and thirsty all the time? Because I swear today alone I have had like a glass of milk, 2 bottles of water, a diet coke, a large iced tea, 2 more bottles of water and I'm working on #3 bottle of water as we speak. I feel like all I do is study, pee, and drink.

- Where are all the frat parties at? Because I really want to crash one.

- Where is all the wild sex at? Because I'm pretty sure that when things get really busy with school, my husband and I start scheduling things in. "So, I have 10 minutes on Tuesday, from 6:50 to 7." I he reads more about sex on my blog than he actually has sex. That brings screwed to a whole new meaning doesn't it?

- To the friends and family I've recently "came out of the closet about the blog with", I'm sure that after that last observation, your wishing that I had kept my secret. Or that you could wash your eyeballs out with bleach and erase those mental pictures that are permanently burned into your mind.

You are so very welcome.

2 weeks from today is the big B day. It's also going to be close to my 200th post and to my first giveaway (that I can hopefully give away this time). Look for tomorrow's post about the giveaway that wouldn't go away. Stay tuned for the awesome giveaway!

Where I'm supposed to be?

Most of the time life just chugs along with no hiccups or bumps in the road. Most of the time things go, mostly, according to plan. But every now and then those bumps that you detoured around 100 miles ago are back, and you wonder if you are just driving around in circles.

Some days my infertility doesn't bother me. Some days it doesn't define who I am. Some days I can picture our lives in 10 years without children. I can imagine our friends becoming grandparents and not feel jealousy or sadness. I can see statuses on Facebook proclaiming the newest bundle of joy and not want to strangle myself with my computer mouse. Today isn't one of those days.

Yet there are other days that I think I have a giant I painted on my shirt for the whole world to see. I think that every person I meet and who I have to explain that I don't have any kids just sees me as an outsider or an oddity. It's almost like because I don't have kids I don't have any credibility. My opinions and my expertise in areas related to kids and even not related to kids goes way down. My opinion only matters when there are no other more credible people around. That's probably not an accurate rendition, but it's most certainly feels like the truth.

Take this past weekend. I had a good friend who was "home" visiting friends and family for a grandparents birthday. She came over to my parents with her two nieces, who are 3 and 2 years old. The baby isn't potty trained yet, but her big sister is. So the baby came up to her Aunt and told her she needed to go potty. And she wanted to go use the big girl's potty. My friend freaked. She told her she had a diaper on, to just go it was ok, but the baby insisted. So I told her, take her to the bathroom, take her diaper off, sit her on the potty and give her some time to do her thing. She balked. She just kept saying that she didn't know what to do. Until my mother reaffirmed what I had told her, she didn't budge. Once someone with experience spoke up, she wasn't willing to go ahead with what I had originally said. She wasn't 100% sure that my opinion could be trusted. Now, if we were talking about breastfeeding or labor, yes, then ignore my thoughts, because I haven't been there done that. But we have both babysat enough kids as well as been around nieces and nephews to have picked up a few things.

Then Monday when I was walking around the mall after getting 10 inches cut off my hair, I saw an ad for adoption. And it made me wonder if that's something that I'll ever be ready for. All the books, all the experts, all the doctors, all the social workers tell you that you have to grieve for the biological child that you won't have before you are ready to move forward. Most of the time I think I've done this. Most of the time I think I've been there done that, and then other times I think that I haven't even begun. There are days that my life is perfect, and there are days, that I would give anything to experience that particular blessing. There are days that I can't imagine giving up on the little girl with my nose and John's eyes or the little boy with his feet and my cheekbones.

After listening to a friend talk about their infertility treatments and just beginning that road it's hard to imagine the hope that they have. It's hard to remember anything but negative pregnancy tests and tears. Our marriage almost didn't survive those years of heartache. I almost didn't survive those years of heartache.

I'm not sure where this is going, because this isn't certainly what I had in mind when I started writing this blog post. I simply wanted to vent, to think on paper. Instead I find myself with less questions and less answers. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know what the solution will be. I just hope that part of me isn't holding on so tightly that I miss out on grabbing at an opportunity that comes my way. I hope that I'm not holding on so much that when I need to have faith and step out of my comfort zone that I just cling tighter and miss out on something amazing. Because the thought that has kept me up at night here lately is what if - because of my stubbornness and refusal to let go I've already missed out. Then again, what if this is what the rest of my life looks like? Can I live with that choice too?


Tomorrow: back to my regularly snarky, sarcastic self. I just needed to get my head and my heart back on the same page, instead of in two completely different books.

5 Question Friday

Yeah!! It's a three day weekend!!! Thank goodness. I need to play catch up. This getting back into the groove of homework, work and life in general has kicked my butt. I could use an extra day to get all caught back up (and even ahead).

I'm having lunch with a girlfriend on Saturday and then my weekend plans include, homework, laundry, homework, Scentsy, homework, and Scentsy.

Have a pretty fantastic weekend and be safe!

1. Shoes in the house - yay or nay?

I'm a nayer here. I dislike shoes. Barefoot is better. But when I go outside or out into the garage, shoes are a must.

2. What do you call them- flip flops, slippers, thongs, etc?

Flippy Flops. I don't know why. Mostly because they flip and flop, well they flip and I'm the one flopping. I used to hate them. Until my Aunt introduced me to Yellow Box flippy flops. I swore I would never pay more than $40 dollars for a pair of flip flops, and now I own (gulp) three pair. Thank goodness for sales and groupon.

And Yellow Box.
3. What song are you almost embarrassed to admit you know all the lyrics to?

Amazingly so, I can't think of any, but I don't have kids, so I can't spout out Justin Beiber or Britney Spears (although I did go through a phase where I liked her, many, many, MANY moons ago.)

So I'm claiming nothing, and that's my story and I'm sticking too it.
4. What is the best quality to have in a friend?

Wow, I have to pick just one? Probably honesty and the ability to laugh. I'm sarcastic. I'm snarky. I'm grouchy. Often all at once, and it's nice to have someone who isn't afraid to tell me that I went too far on a comment I made and not feel threatened. It's important that they be able to laugh with me and understand my sick, often warped sense of humor.
Otherwise they would take me seriously when I call them and tell them that I need to borrow a knife and a black trash bag to dispose of my boss.

5. Do you know what you want for Christmas?

Absolutely. Barnes and Noble gift cards. I'm getting rid of all my books (because I have a jillion) and putting them on a Nook. We moved about 2 dozen boxes of books, and that's not right, considering that collection will only continue to grow. They take up less room, they kill less trees, and this way, I don't have to worry about any new animals eating the books. Just the nook. Awesome.
 


Happy Friday! I'll see you guys on Tuesday. Keep watching for my first giveaway around the middle of the month to celebrate my birthday and my 200th post!

What would you be?

Coming home from work a few nights ago, the question was posed on the radio about what would people say about you if they spent a week with you, following you around for every moment. How would their impression of you change, or would it?

It's a powerful concept. Is the way that you behave and act, simply an act or are you genuinely that person? You would be giving them a complete look into your life, flaws and all. So I have been thinking, what would the people I know see in me?

Before: Clean freak. Apologized for the mess. What mess? I wish my house looked this neat and clean.
After: Oh my goodness, when I wasn't looking she moved stuff back to exact locations that I had picked up and admired. It made me uncomfortable to sit on the couch for fear of messing up the cushions.

Before: Oh, we don't watch much TV.
After: Wrongo bucko. Once they come home from work and the puppies are let out, they turn the tv on. Granted sometimes they are on the internet or studying or doing other things, but the tv is always one.

Before: They tell me that my odd request is not a problem, and they gladly do what they can to accommodate me.
After: They went into their room and complained about my odd request and why I couldn't have warned them so that they were better prepared. Thankfully they didn't complain to my face.

Before: Abby took me up on my offer to help with dinner preparations.
After: She is so OCD that I felt like my chopping of onions wasn't sufficient. She was constantly looking over my shoulder and giving tips. Or assigning a job and then taking it away. Because, after all, I'm a guest, I shouldn't have to slave.

Before: She is so OCD, but she doesn't make her bed.
After: She is so OCD, yet she doesn't make her bed.

Before: She said that she hates to see me leave.
After: She says that she hates to see me leave and seems genuinely sad, but she is bothered that she feels guilty so that there are no "messes" to clean up after other people.

So that leaves me to question, how much of my actions and words are something I feel like I should say or do, but that I don't really personally believe in. It's like when someone runs into you or does something that causes you physical discomfort and apologizes and you reply "it's ok", when it clearly isn't ok.

I don't want to admit that I don't want help with dinner, simply because I'm crazy and I like to be in control, but in reality, that's the truth. Instead of being honest, I give out tasks and then hover. Why? Because I don't want to hurt feelings, when the truth is really what I would rather say, and it wouldn't hurt feelings either, just make them think I'm crazy. I would love to say that I'm happy having people stay with me, but at the same time it stresses me out, because I don't like the mess. I love getting the one on one time, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking about the cleaning I need to do and the horrible habits that they are learning that I have.

Is it hard to admit that stuff? Absolutely. But at the same time, which is the real me? Why am I so afraid to let real Abby shine through? What do I have to lose?

So the question remains, what do your friends and family see, the person you want to be, or the person that you are?

Apparently one of my birthday resolutions will be to work on being the person I am, not someone that worries about always pleasing those around me.