Today, because I have more guts than sense, I'm opening a whole new can of worms on my blog. If you are a teacher, or married to a teacher, or know a teacher, then you are probably going to be really, really pissed at me after reading this. I'm sorry in advance.
I realize that the educational system in this country is lacking. It's all about teaching the students how to pass the standardized tests so that the school districts get the money. They teach the kids how to pass the TAKS test. Or whatever the abbreviations are this year. Realistically, because they aren't actually allowed to "teach" they are glorified babysitters. Ouch. Sting much? If I were to get pregnant, I would homeschool my children. Period. They have to know the material for the tests, but they also still get a quality education. They would get to learn about things that schools aren't teaching anymore because of their political correctness factor.
I hate that teachers are losing their jobs. But then again, I hate it when Engineers, Doctors, Lawyers, Grocery Sackers, pool boy's, and ear wax remover's lose their job too. It's hard, no matter what field or area you work it. But the question remains...why should teachers be immune? Why shouldn't they have the same worries as everyone else? Why should they have job security when the rest of the country doesn't? Why do they get better benefits? Better retirement? Why shouldn't an engineer or a doctor get the same benefits? Why are teachers "better" than everyone else?
They aren't. Pure and simple. Yes, the job they do is tough. Yes, they have 30 kids that they have to corral and try to teach them. I agree that their job is hard, but so is a rocket scientists' job. I hate that schools are having their budgets cut and that they are losing money, that programs will be cut, that jobs will be lost. I hate that for anyone, teacher or not.
We put such a high value on education, yet we forget to teach. History is important so that we don't repeat the same mistakes. By teaching the kids how to pass the tests so that their district gets the most money, what are we really teaching our kids?
How to milk the system? How to get the most reward for the least amount of effort?
It's sad that teachers have the greatest opportunity to shape our children, yet they have the least amount of control to do it. They have someone standing over their shoulder telling them that the holocaust wasn't important, so they share that message with our kids. Which is to bad, we need to learn from the mistakes of the past to avoid making those same mistakes in the future.
~A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. ~Henry Adams
~The best teachers teach from the heart, not from the book. ~Author Unknown
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
A Dose of Perspective
The news here has been flooded with talks and videos and pictures of the Navy Seals that were killed in Afghanistan over the weekend.
I'm not big on the political scene. I think that there is a ton of room for improvement in all areas of our government. It shouldn't just be about getting the votes, it should be about doing what's right, morally and ethically for our country. But that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
Yet today, I just can't imagine how the hole that those 30 lives have left, not only to their families, but to our country. To a certain extent I think that we have forgotten the devastation that our country felt on September 11th. I think that we have forgotten the men and women who put their names, and let's face it, often their lives on the line so that you can stand in line at Starbucks instead of having a drill Sargent yell at you. They gave their life so that you might have that privilege. Makes that $4 cup of coffee suddenly a whole lot more expensive.
The youngest cousin of John's, due to some road blocks had to forgo his plans of becoming a police officer. He had decided that he was going to join the Navy and train to become a seal. Frankly, I was terrified. Their job is dangerous. Very dangerous. They have tons of training to prepare them, but it's still scary to the family waiting at home for them. So when he decided to join the coast guard, because as he put it "God didn't make me to kill people, but to save them". Knowing Matt the way that I do, I agree completely. I couldn't imagine him taking another person's life, no matter what the situation was.
So today, instead of complaining about how hot it is, and how my air conditioner struggles to keep up, how tired I am, how big my problems are. I'm going to think of those 30 Americans. I'm going to think of their families as they try to put their lives back together. I'm going to think of the tables that will have an empty chair at dinner. I'm going to think about the families who have lost a son, a father, a husband, a friend, and I'm going to be thankful that they are so very willing to step up and give the ultimate sacrifice so that my life can be what it is today.
I'm not big on the political scene. I think that there is a ton of room for improvement in all areas of our government. It shouldn't just be about getting the votes, it should be about doing what's right, morally and ethically for our country. But that's a whole 'nother can of worms.
Yet today, I just can't imagine how the hole that those 30 lives have left, not only to their families, but to our country. To a certain extent I think that we have forgotten the devastation that our country felt on September 11th. I think that we have forgotten the men and women who put their names, and let's face it, often their lives on the line so that you can stand in line at Starbucks instead of having a drill Sargent yell at you. They gave their life so that you might have that privilege. Makes that $4 cup of coffee suddenly a whole lot more expensive.
The youngest cousin of John's, due to some road blocks had to forgo his plans of becoming a police officer. He had decided that he was going to join the Navy and train to become a seal. Frankly, I was terrified. Their job is dangerous. Very dangerous. They have tons of training to prepare them, but it's still scary to the family waiting at home for them. So when he decided to join the coast guard, because as he put it "God didn't make me to kill people, but to save them". Knowing Matt the way that I do, I agree completely. I couldn't imagine him taking another person's life, no matter what the situation was.
So today, instead of complaining about how hot it is, and how my air conditioner struggles to keep up, how tired I am, how big my problems are. I'm going to think of those 30 Americans. I'm going to think of their families as they try to put their lives back together. I'm going to think of the tables that will have an empty chair at dinner. I'm going to think about the families who have lost a son, a father, a husband, a friend, and I'm going to be thankful that they are so very willing to step up and give the ultimate sacrifice so that my life can be what it is today.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Garage Sale 2011
Well, since there is a post here, it's quite obvious that the garage sale attempt didn't kill me.
But it was touch and go there for a while.
Actually, I really can't complain. We did go. We got rid of quite a bit of stuff. We still had quite a bit of stuff leftover, the majority of which we packed up and took to Goodwill. Some of the more pricey items, we are taking to my moms and going to attempt to get rid of it at her garage sale in 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to that little adventure. But the goodness is that there isn't much. The bad news is that she will be out of town until the 19th or 20th and won't have it ready to go and to someone with a Type A personality like me, it will be the biggest nightmare. But, I promise to try to not choke her. I just keep repeating "I won't like prison." Over and over and over again.
I did sunburn though. But only on my arms. My legs won't hold color of any kind. Period. Get up, go to the bathroom and look at your butt. See the lighter color. Multiply that by 1 million, and that's how white the rest of my body is. My arms have a nice little tan going. Everything else. Not so much. It makes me crazy.
We are going to Abilene this weekend to see my nephew and niece before school starts. Is it awful that I'm not looking forward to going? When we saw the kids in January their behavior was horrific. They were awful to me and John. My niece was pissed because my parents, her Nana and Bop-pop weren't coming, so she took the PISS ON YOU attitude. It makes it so hard to want to spend time with her. When all I can think about it how mean she is. She will be 11 on the 16th.
You guys don't have too much fun today, it is Monday after all.
But it was touch and go there for a while.
Actually, I really can't complain. We did go. We got rid of quite a bit of stuff. We still had quite a bit of stuff leftover, the majority of which we packed up and took to Goodwill. Some of the more pricey items, we are taking to my moms and going to attempt to get rid of it at her garage sale in 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to that little adventure. But the goodness is that there isn't much. The bad news is that she will be out of town until the 19th or 20th and won't have it ready to go and to someone with a Type A personality like me, it will be the biggest nightmare. But, I promise to try to not choke her. I just keep repeating "I won't like prison." Over and over and over again.
I did sunburn though. But only on my arms. My legs won't hold color of any kind. Period. Get up, go to the bathroom and look at your butt. See the lighter color. Multiply that by 1 million, and that's how white the rest of my body is. My arms have a nice little tan going. Everything else. Not so much. It makes me crazy.
We are going to Abilene this weekend to see my nephew and niece before school starts. Is it awful that I'm not looking forward to going? When we saw the kids in January their behavior was horrific. They were awful to me and John. My niece was pissed because my parents, her Nana and Bop-pop weren't coming, so she took the PISS ON YOU attitude. It makes it so hard to want to spend time with her. When all I can think about it how mean she is. She will be 11 on the 16th.
You guys don't have too much fun today, it is Monday after all.
Friday, August 5, 2011
5 Question Friday
This is one of those weird Friday's when I wish it was Monday already. I'm having a garage sale tomorrow, and I'm so not looking forward to that. I have screwed around all week and haven't gotten things ready and I finally started on it last night, and well, let's just say it's going to be a long night and probably early morning getting everything ready. I already feel a nap coming on.
But if your in Lubbock, come see me. Just look for the ad on craigslist or in the AJ that has Precious Moments in it. There are too many weirdos in internet land for me to give you my exact address. Be a stalker, look it up. Tell your boss your doing "research".
Wish me luck. If I don't post Monday, I might not have survived the weekend.
1. Do you have siblings and are you close with them?
I have a step sister and no, we aren't close. We are totally different and have totally different views on everything. We don't always get along, but we try.
It would be nice to have a better relationship with her, but we are both so different that it couldn't really work out. I haven't talked to her or heard from her since January. Ouch.
2. Would you rather be slightly UNDER weight or slightly OVER weight?
Under. Simply because it's so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose weight.
Plus it's a vanity thing, people don't make fun of you for being underweight. they worry about whether or not you have been sick, about whether or not you have something wrong with you. When your over weight people assume that your lazy, that you eat donuts and double cheeseburgers by the case. They don't think that there might be some possibility that you have something wrong with your body too.
3. What's your favorite State Fair food to splurge on?
Cotton Candy. I realize that technically it isn't food, but I buy bags of the stuff when we go to the fair. Bags. Then I ration. Then I usually end up throwing a bag away because it shrinks down into a hard ball of sugar before I eat it because I was rationing.
We usually try to have a turkey leg, cheese on a stick, and a wonder bar. Preferably a cheesecake wonderbar. Because let's face it, cheesecake dunked in chocolate, then rolled in nuts, is just full of awesome.
4. What are your thoughts on your kid(s) going to school in a few weeks?
Wait, listen. Listen very, very carefully. Do you hear that? It's the angels singing a Hallelujah chorus and parents jumping around in joy. And it's me, bored at work, with my brain fried rejoicing that in a mere 19 days I will no longer be bored at work. I will be back to school. How freaking awesome is that?
I'm such a nerd. But I'm cute. So that balances things out.
5. Pool or Ocean?
Uh...both. But I only like to look at the ocean and experience the beach. I don't swim in it. Period. When I can't see the bottom, of the ocean that's where I stop walking in. There are things that swim in the ocean with large, sharp teeth that look at me and think..."Hmmmm, snack time!" I don't want to know if the pretty little fishy, that I.can't.see. is looking at my feet thinking, "I wonder if she is sweet, or if she is tough, she looks tender, with all that fat. Let's nibble on a toe and find out." No thank you.
Pools. I love to swim. I could live in a pool. You know, if it had a restaurant, potty, bed and office. There aren't creatures in there that eat me and see me as a potential snack. Although, thanks to a few bad sunburns over the years, and my aversion to 100+ degree weather. I like indoor pools so much better than outdoor pools.
So when I win the lottery, I will just build me a house on the beach with an indoor pool, so I can have the best of both worlds.
Have a Fun weekend! Have a garage sale in my honor. I'll send you my address so you know where to send the proceeds.
But if your in Lubbock, come see me. Just look for the ad on craigslist or in the AJ that has Precious Moments in it. There are too many weirdos in internet land for me to give you my exact address. Be a stalker, look it up. Tell your boss your doing "research".
Wish me luck. If I don't post Monday, I might not have survived the weekend.
1. Do you have siblings and are you close with them?
I have a step sister and no, we aren't close. We are totally different and have totally different views on everything. We don't always get along, but we try.
It would be nice to have a better relationship with her, but we are both so different that it couldn't really work out. I haven't talked to her or heard from her since January. Ouch.
2. Would you rather be slightly UNDER weight or slightly OVER weight?
Under. Simply because it's so much easier to gain weight than it is to lose weight.
Plus it's a vanity thing, people don't make fun of you for being underweight. they worry about whether or not you have been sick, about whether or not you have something wrong with you. When your over weight people assume that your lazy, that you eat donuts and double cheeseburgers by the case. They don't think that there might be some possibility that you have something wrong with your body too.
3. What's your favorite State Fair food to splurge on?
Cotton Candy. I realize that technically it isn't food, but I buy bags of the stuff when we go to the fair. Bags. Then I ration. Then I usually end up throwing a bag away because it shrinks down into a hard ball of sugar before I eat it because I was rationing.
We usually try to have a turkey leg, cheese on a stick, and a wonder bar. Preferably a cheesecake wonderbar. Because let's face it, cheesecake dunked in chocolate, then rolled in nuts, is just full of awesome.
4. What are your thoughts on your kid(s) going to school in a few weeks?
Wait, listen. Listen very, very carefully. Do you hear that? It's the angels singing a Hallelujah chorus and parents jumping around in joy. And it's me, bored at work, with my brain fried rejoicing that in a mere 19 days I will no longer be bored at work. I will be back to school. How freaking awesome is that?
I'm such a nerd. But I'm cute. So that balances things out.
5. Pool or Ocean?
Uh...both. But I only like to look at the ocean and experience the beach. I don't swim in it. Period. When I can't see the bottom, of the ocean that's where I stop walking in. There are things that swim in the ocean with large, sharp teeth that look at me and think..."Hmmmm, snack time!" I don't want to know if the pretty little fishy, that I.can't.see. is looking at my feet thinking, "I wonder if she is sweet, or if she is tough, she looks tender, with all that fat. Let's nibble on a toe and find out." No thank you.
Pools. I love to swim. I could live in a pool. You know, if it had a restaurant, potty, bed and office. There aren't creatures in there that eat me and see me as a potential snack. Although, thanks to a few bad sunburns over the years, and my aversion to 100+ degree weather. I like indoor pools so much better than outdoor pools.
So when I win the lottery, I will just build me a house on the beach with an indoor pool, so I can have the best of both worlds.
Have a Fun weekend! Have a garage sale in my honor. I'll send you my address so you know where to send the proceeds.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Hacked by a Hacker
Wow, what was up with that post yesterday? Whiny? Grumpy? Feeling sorry for ourselves?
I'm going to blame it on a hacker. Yep, that's it, I was invaded. By the body snatchers. And they typed that up and posted it without my consent. Exactly.
That's my story. And you don't have proof that it wasn't me.
Here is a bulleted list of complaints. Just so I can get it all out ofmy the hacker's system.
- Can believe that it's August? I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet. I have like 4 presents taken care of. Period. And I start back to school 3 weeks from today. Everyone may get gift cards this year, and chocolate.
- I know I have unpacked my back pack. I have seen my back pack. But I don't know where I have put it. I'm starting to wonder if I really unpacked it. Or if I am crazy. Or both.
- I'm having a garage sale this weekend. I think I was delusional when I decided that. Good news is, my garage will be empty after Saturday. So if your in Lubbock look for the garage sale on 96th Street on craigslist and in the paper and come see me.
- I'm pimping out my Scentsy business on Saturday too. All of the other consultants do it when they have a garage sale. I have lots of plans for the old books that I have that won't be any good the end of the month too. I'm going to try to pick me up some new customers and earn enough to hopefully pay for my tuition for summer school next year.
- Who am I kidding? I may need the money to pay my tuition next month. All the budget cuts have me concerned about my student loans. I'm trying not to worry, and just have faith that things will all work out. But the worry wart in me, isn't buying it.
- Grocery shopping. It's expensive and I hate it. Can't United set up online shopping and delivery?
- Ug. I have seen a number on the scale this week that I don't ever want to see again. Been trying harder to watch what I eat without watching hard core yet. Mostly because I need to set up some plans, but this fat has got to go. It's either me or it.
- We are going to Abilene to see my niece and nephew next weekend with my parents. The kids start school soon, and because of divorce proceedings, still can't leave the county. Because of the way that my niece behaved when we saw them in January I'm not looking forward to it as much as I would like to.
- I told family about this blog. I'm not sure if I should regret that yet or not. I haven't sent her the address, I'm working up to that.
- To not have completely finished unpacking yet. We moved June 17th. Past moves have never taken this long to unpack. I'm tired of it. I'm also tired of the mess. I'm running out of time to get it all done before I start back to school. After the garage sale, we are packing everything up that's left (which is hopefully nothing) and taking it all to goodwill. Then the rest of the weekend will be spent cleaning up the garage and finishing unpacking.
I'm going to blame it on a hacker. Yep, that's it, I was invaded. By the body snatchers. And they typed that up and posted it without my consent. Exactly.
That's my story. And you don't have proof that it wasn't me.
Here is a bulleted list of complaints. Just so I can get it all out of
- Can believe that it's August? I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet. I have like 4 presents taken care of. Period. And I start back to school 3 weeks from today. Everyone may get gift cards this year, and chocolate.
- I know I have unpacked my back pack. I have seen my back pack. But I don't know where I have put it. I'm starting to wonder if I really unpacked it. Or if I am crazy. Or both.
- I'm having a garage sale this weekend. I think I was delusional when I decided that. Good news is, my garage will be empty after Saturday. So if your in Lubbock look for the garage sale on 96th Street on craigslist and in the paper and come see me.
- I'm pimping out my Scentsy business on Saturday too. All of the other consultants do it when they have a garage sale. I have lots of plans for the old books that I have that won't be any good the end of the month too. I'm going to try to pick me up some new customers and earn enough to hopefully pay for my tuition for summer school next year.
- Who am I kidding? I may need the money to pay my tuition next month. All the budget cuts have me concerned about my student loans. I'm trying not to worry, and just have faith that things will all work out. But the worry wart in me, isn't buying it.
- Grocery shopping. It's expensive and I hate it. Can't United set up online shopping and delivery?
- Ug. I have seen a number on the scale this week that I don't ever want to see again. Been trying harder to watch what I eat without watching hard core yet. Mostly because I need to set up some plans, but this fat has got to go. It's either me or it.
- We are going to Abilene to see my niece and nephew next weekend with my parents. The kids start school soon, and because of divorce proceedings, still can't leave the county. Because of the way that my niece behaved when we saw them in January I'm not looking forward to it as much as I would like to.
- I told family about this blog. I'm not sure if I should regret that yet or not. I haven't sent her the address, I'm working up to that.
- To not have completely finished unpacking yet. We moved June 17th. Past moves have never taken this long to unpack. I'm tired of it. I'm also tired of the mess. I'm running out of time to get it all done before I start back to school. After the garage sale, we are packing everything up that's left (which is hopefully nothing) and taking it all to goodwill. Then the rest of the weekend will be spent cleaning up the garage and finishing unpacking.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Evil, Horrible Daughter - in - law
I had hoped that time would work. I had hoped that Papa's drawn out illness would work. I had hoped.
But, I had a feeling that it wouldn't. I had a feeling that things would go back to the same, once my mother-in-law, the matriarch of that particular family had returned. Unfortunately I was right.
I'm back to being evil and avoided. Sometimes I really don't understand family. I don't understand how they can think that they can push me away and have their son in their life too. It hurts him just as much, if not more than it does me. My parents haven't always loved John and the choices that he has made, but they have respected them, and they have kept their mouth shut, and they have at least treated him with some form of courtesy, some form of decency.
I can't make them love me, I can't make them like me. But I would hope that they were all raised to at least be nice to me. Instead, when I speak, what I say is glossed over. Like I never said it. They probably would have preferred that I said nothing at Papa's memorial. Instead of reading this. They probably wish I hadn't shown up.
I can speculate for days.
But instead of a turning point in a relationship. I learned that today, my mother-in-law buys her Scentsy from someone else. Simply for the fact that she doesn't have to see me. I'm not surprised, I'm not even that hurt by it anymore (contrary to the ranting I have been doing). What bothers me the most is that everyone else follows suit. If my mother in law doesn't approve, then John's brother and sister can't either. They are ruining their relationship with their son, and they don't even see it. That's what bothers me.
Papa's death has left regrets with many. I don't want them to wake up in a few years and regret the choices that they have made. I don't want them to keep pushing him away. He too, has realized that things are back to "normal". No more texts, no more calls, no more.
One day, there will be no more. Now, that's a text message I would love to send, broadcast to a family. They won't live forever, their won't be a good time to "fix" their relationship. We won't live forever either.
Now, the only thing left to do is wonder. What happens from here?
But, I had a feeling that it wouldn't. I had a feeling that things would go back to the same, once my mother-in-law, the matriarch of that particular family had returned. Unfortunately I was right.
I'm back to being evil and avoided. Sometimes I really don't understand family. I don't understand how they can think that they can push me away and have their son in their life too. It hurts him just as much, if not more than it does me. My parents haven't always loved John and the choices that he has made, but they have respected them, and they have kept their mouth shut, and they have at least treated him with some form of courtesy, some form of decency.
I can't make them love me, I can't make them like me. But I would hope that they were all raised to at least be nice to me. Instead, when I speak, what I say is glossed over. Like I never said it. They probably would have preferred that I said nothing at Papa's memorial. Instead of reading this. They probably wish I hadn't shown up.
I can speculate for days.
But instead of a turning point in a relationship. I learned that today, my mother-in-law buys her Scentsy from someone else. Simply for the fact that she doesn't have to see me. I'm not surprised, I'm not even that hurt by it anymore (contrary to the ranting I have been doing). What bothers me the most is that everyone else follows suit. If my mother in law doesn't approve, then John's brother and sister can't either. They are ruining their relationship with their son, and they don't even see it. That's what bothers me.
Papa's death has left regrets with many. I don't want them to wake up in a few years and regret the choices that they have made. I don't want them to keep pushing him away. He too, has realized that things are back to "normal". No more texts, no more calls, no more.
One day, there will be no more. Now, that's a text message I would love to send, broadcast to a family. They won't live forever, their won't be a good time to "fix" their relationship. We won't live forever either.
Now, the only thing left to do is wonder. What happens from here?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Who You Aren't
It's not who you are that holds you back...it's who you think you aren't. ~Unknown
The last few weeks have been draining, both physically as well as mentally. It's hard watching someone you love suffer, and die. I wouldn't with that experience on anyone, but at the same time, I think it's something that every human should witness, simply because it gives you a big dose of humility.
I've spent the better part of the last month feeling incredibly sorry for myself. With all the drama with my in-laws and my summer slowing slipping away, and some of the plans I had hoped to accomplish with it, it's been a hard few months around here. Self doubt has definitely taken over my life.
Friday on Facebook, one of my contacts had posted the above quote, and it got the wheels turning. There may or may not have been grease involved, since it's been a while since those wheels were turning.
It's not who I am. Why? Because, amazingly so, I'm awesome. I'm sweet, I'm kind, according to the family at the memorial service, I'm an amazing writer. John's cousins poured on the praise, even my father-in-law commented, so obviously, I can, on occasion, write. It's not who I am that holds me back. It's not who I am that things I'm too fat, too stupid, too slow, too old, not worthy, not beautiful, not a good writer. It's the person I think I'm not.
That person, is a real pain in the neck. She thinks all those things. She thinks that I have nothing to offer, she thinks that I can't. When in fact, I can. She thinks that I'm not worthy of praise, and sometimes even love. She thinks that I'm not, and everyone else is.
I'm starting to think that she needs a muzzle. Preferably in pink.
I can. I am. I will. I have.
I can do whatever I want, as long as I put in the effort and the work. I am worthy. Of love, of understanding, of kindness, of happiness. I will go where I want to and do what I want in my life, so long as I work towards it. I have a great family, wonderful friends, and my husband's extended family, with cousins (who let me spoil their children), and aunts and uncles, and a grandfather. Yes, it still hurts that they don't love me. It still hurts that they don't bother to get to know me, but I can't make them. I can only be me, and let them find out for themselves that they have been missing.
That part that isn't me, well she's still me too. She's the one who sometimes pushes me into working harder. She's the one with incredible strength, that let's me borrow some of hers, when I think I can't go on. She's the one who pushes me to do things that terrify me. That person that I'm not, she is part of me too, I just don't listen to her much. Sometimes, she thinks that I'm the one that needs the muzzle. And duct tape. She's the one who tells me I can, when I think I can't. She's the one who pushes me to do better, to be better. She's the one who tells me that I am (fill in the blank).
Most of the time, she could use a muzzle. But don't tell her I said that.
The last few weeks have been draining, both physically as well as mentally. It's hard watching someone you love suffer, and die. I wouldn't with that experience on anyone, but at the same time, I think it's something that every human should witness, simply because it gives you a big dose of humility.
I've spent the better part of the last month feeling incredibly sorry for myself. With all the drama with my in-laws and my summer slowing slipping away, and some of the plans I had hoped to accomplish with it, it's been a hard few months around here. Self doubt has definitely taken over my life.
Friday on Facebook, one of my contacts had posted the above quote, and it got the wheels turning. There may or may not have been grease involved, since it's been a while since those wheels were turning.
It's not who I am. Why? Because, amazingly so, I'm awesome. I'm sweet, I'm kind, according to the family at the memorial service, I'm an amazing writer. John's cousins poured on the praise, even my father-in-law commented, so obviously, I can, on occasion, write. It's not who I am that holds me back. It's not who I am that things I'm too fat, too stupid, too slow, too old, not worthy, not beautiful, not a good writer. It's the person I think I'm not.
That person, is a real pain in the neck. She thinks all those things. She thinks that I have nothing to offer, she thinks that I can't. When in fact, I can. She thinks that I'm not worthy of praise, and sometimes even love. She thinks that I'm not, and everyone else is.
I'm starting to think that she needs a muzzle. Preferably in pink.
I can. I am. I will. I have.
I can do whatever I want, as long as I put in the effort and the work. I am worthy. Of love, of understanding, of kindness, of happiness. I will go where I want to and do what I want in my life, so long as I work towards it. I have a great family, wonderful friends, and my husband's extended family, with cousins (who let me spoil their children), and aunts and uncles, and a grandfather. Yes, it still hurts that they don't love me. It still hurts that they don't bother to get to know me, but I can't make them. I can only be me, and let them find out for themselves that they have been missing.
That part that isn't me, well she's still me too. She's the one who sometimes pushes me into working harder. She's the one with incredible strength, that let's me borrow some of hers, when I think I can't go on. She's the one who pushes me to do things that terrify me. That person that I'm not, she is part of me too, I just don't listen to her much. Sometimes, she thinks that I'm the one that needs the muzzle. And duct tape. She's the one who tells me I can, when I think I can't. She's the one who pushes me to do better, to be better. She's the one who tells me that I am (fill in the blank).
Most of the time, she could use a muzzle. But don't tell her I said that.
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