Thursday, January 19, 2012

Letting Go

After yesterdays long, drawn out, soul bearing post your probably afraid to read this one.

Fear not. I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I can be. Which is probably not near any normal according to standard industry ratings.

Yesterday was just one of those days when I needed to whine. And when I needed a good butt chewing apparently.

You know that phrase, can't see the forest for the trees. Well, that was me yesterday. I saw the bad everywhere. I saw the worst in myself everywhere, and when you only see the bad, your attitude and everything else just plain sucks. Including your outlook on life in general.

My good friend, who I'm pretty sure is actually my sister and we were just separated at birth, sent me a message about my little post yesterday. She gave me a good butt chewing, and a big dose of perspective. So I guess the 2 tons of pressure that I was feeling yesterday, that I seem to have lost today, I can thank her for.

I have to learn to let go. I've had to learn how to let go of cooking dinner and doing laundry and cleaning, at least the majority of the time, simply because I can't do everything and go to school at the same time. I have to set priorities, I have to manage my time wisely if I want to have enough time to study and do everything else. So I had to learn how to let go of that stuff, and I had to learn to deal with the guilt that I feel when I watch my husband dust and vacuum so that I can study. I've had to learn how to handle that the best way that I can. Which, I'll admit I don't always do. I remember laying in bed one night last semester crying because of the guilt that I felt that I couldn't do everything. After some reassurance from my husband that no, in fact, he didn't resent me for making him chase dust bunnies and wreck spider homes, I felt much better.

My first semester left me feeling like I could conquer the world, and last semester left me wondering if I had lost my mind, and everything else along the way. Those grades hurt. They hurt to admit, and I felt like everyone was just telling me that they were ok, and that they were secretly thinking what a moron I was. When realistically, because all of my friends are old, they don't really care, as long as I pass, so that I can graduate and move back out of the college life and into the middle aged life.

I realize that all of the cliches of "Finding yourself" and all of that go along with college. You learn how to do laundry and be an adult without mommy and daddy looking over your shoulder and guarding your every move. Yet, since I've been there, done that, maybe college will be about me learning to let go. Maybe its not about me finding myself, but about finding out who I'm not and who I don't want to be for the rest of my life. Maybe it's about learning to let go.

I know that my feeling sorry for myself has affected my blogging ability. I actually have a bunch of posts that I wrote, and that were supposed to publish, but for whatever reason blogger saw fit to ignore my advance scheduling. Maybe because I needed that post yesterday more than I realized.

There are exciting things coming. I was approached by a digital scrapbooking company (more details next week) about hosting a giveaway (which will be coming up week after next). I'm looking for a couple other giveaways for the next year. Stick around, things just might get interesting.

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