The Case of the Smartphone Snobs

It was a dark and stormy night.

Okay, not really, it was a freaking hot and sunny day. But the dark and stormy sounds more suspenseful and exciting.

Perhaps we’ve entered the Twilight Zone of Smartphones, they are taking the world by storm.

Think about it, how many people do you know who own a phone, that’s just a phone? No internet, no email, barely sends text messages, but makes calls like a champ? I can name 4, and they are all 50+ years old. They can barely operate their DVD player let alone a Smartphone.

I’ll admit, I love my smart phone. Sorta. Okay, it’s more like a love/hate relationship. But, other than the sucky battery life, and the dropped calls, and the missed text messages, and the emails at 3am, it’s fantastic.  I like being able to get my emails from this blog on my phone. I like being able to Google an address while I’m away from my laptop. I like being able to take pictures, and get on Facebook and Twitter. Yet, there are some days I miss having that connection to the rest of the world. I remember as a kid when you would see someone broke down on the side of the road, and you would stop and help them. Now, all you do is pick up your phone and make a couple of calls to AAA or a handy friend is on their way to rescue you.

As technology has advanced I think that we, as a society, have forgotten normal social graces, and we’ve forgotten to teach our kids the same thing. I hate going to family dinners when the kids sit around and play on their phones. They don’t realize how much they are missing out on.

On a recent family reunion trip to the Dallas area, we watched the younger kids play and have the best time with their cousins. Yet the older kids stayed in the house and played on their Smartphone or their tablets. They missed so much by being glued to whatever game they were intent on playing. Granted they were glued to their tablets next to their same aged cousins, but unless you asked them a question regarding a game they were playing, you didn’t hear much from them.

Now you are probably thinking that is just a normal part of being a kid, and here is where I tell you how wrong you are.

I played with my cousins. I played horseshoes and washers with the adults. I played on the playground equipment. I entertained myself with my imagination and with the aid of a cousin or two. We spent time together, and we usually went home being the best of friends. I would imagine that if you asked some of the older kids they couldn’t tell you much about what was going on outside during their stay. They probably missed the cousins who tried to make their escape in the paddle boat, and the dancing extravaganza on the deck.

It’s time to unplug, people. Put the Smartphone down. We’ve implemented a no cell phone policy during dinner at our house. My husband and I should be able to spend some time together to reconnect at the end of our day to talk and catch up without Candy Crush or checking the weather to get in our way. After our reunion time in Dallas we also discussed how we would handle video games, Smartphones and tablets if we are ever blessed with children in our home. We played outside, we rode bikes, and we both turned out okay. Obviously raising our children the same way wouldn’t kill them.

So, step away from the Smartphone. Think of it like a zombie, just sucking the life right out of you.

Don’t worry, just like in a suspense book, the hero always wins, if they outsmart the killer or smartphone.

Things that Annoy

We all have them. Those lovely little ticks that make us, well us. What annoys us is what keeps someone else sane. Isn't that a pleasant thought. After yesterdays heartbreaking post, I figured I needed something with a little more sarcasm.

10. Toilet paper and paper towel rolls. They don't replace themselves. And if you use it replace it, but for the love of all that is good and holy, please hang it the right way.

9. Boys and tall, old little boys men and their need to find humor in farts. It's a bodily function, one which isn't cute, ever. Yes, everyone does it. But seriously. Not that funny.

8. Driving and texting. You aren't that important and whatever you absolutely think you need to type while your driving isn't worth my life. Your not Angelina Jolie. Trust me that love note to Brad can wait.

7. Mosquito's. Other than suck the life out of you, kinda like children, they serve no greater purpose. If I ruled the world, all the bugs, gone. Sorry little guys. (ok, not really)

6. Snakes and mice. See #7

5. Waiters and Waitresses who come buy as you get your food and ask if you want more to drink. No, I just ordered something spicy and I prefer to do without water until I leave here. Besides that potted plant has water. I'm good.

4. Hardware stores and mechanics. Because I'm a woman I'm an idiot, at least that is what some of those people think. Amazingly so I know quite a bit about cars and building various things. So I can probably build you a house and cook you a gourmet meal, but please don't ask me where my "man" is. Otherwise you might find yourself unemployed, because it wouldn't be the first time that I find your boss and scream discrimination and breasts in the same sentence.

3. Commercials. Seriously, who comes up with these things. Animals smashed on a road that come back to life. Singing gecko. Um no.

2. Complaining that I wear perfume to work. I'm a girl. It's my job to wear scented lotions, body washes, and yes, even perfume. I also take showers daily and know the difference between a napkin and my pants. So because I prefer to smell pleasant instead of like I just stepped out of a beer filled dumpster, deal with it. Or stay in your office.

And the number one thing that annoys me: (at least today)

1. People who bring their children to work, then think that because I have nothing better to do, can play babysitter to their 4 year old. Your child is obnoxious, kinda like you are. I'm paid to do the books, not watch your child too.

Public Service Announcement

Dear Lubbock Drivers,

I realize that you, like myself are just trying to get from point A to point B intact, and in a reasonable amount of time. You would like to avoid any accidents, fender benders, heavy traffic and flat tires.

However, your driving skills are sadly lacking. You pull out in front of me, causing me to slam on my breaks, swerve into another lane to avoid hitting you, and then you have the nerve to give me the #1 driver award. You text, you talk on your cell phone, and you have little regard for those people around you. You speed around me, doing well above the posted speed limit, weaving in and out of traffic. You run red lights. You have little disregard for other drivers on the road; we are simply an inconvenience, and something that must be eliminated from your path.

If your stupidity were to cause an accident that was to end my life, my family wouldn’t care that you were running late to work, or to pick up your kids, or to the grocery store. I wouldn’t care either. My life would have been cut short, because you are in a hurry, and you are trapped in your own little bubble worrying about your family and your kids.

What about my family? They would feel my loss just as much as your family would. Would you like for the cops to show up on your doorstep and tell your children that the no longer have a mother or a father, because of a careless driver? It would devastate your family, as it would mine. My life isn’t anymore or any less valuable than yours.

So next time that you get behind the wheel of a vehicle, think about saving a life and watching the road, allowing plenty of time to reach your destination, the life you save, just might be your own.

Thank you.

Public Service Announcement

This was written in response to an email that I recently received in my inbox, that most definitely should have gone in my spam folder. I have no idea who Celina Janis Mccarthy is personally, that was just the email address that the email came from, so please don't wish evil thoughts on me if she is your sisters, cousins, brothers, little sister's mother twice removed.


Dear Celina Janis Mccarthy,

     Thank you for your recent email. I was so very flattered that you think I'm cute. Every girl can use a confidence boost from a complete stranger, it's good for the ego. However, I am concerned because you say that we have a mutual friend, and I'm not sure that we do. See, I don't have many friends that have this particular email address, so I'm sure that there is some sort of misunderstanding.
     As appealing as the naughty fun that you say you want to have with me sounds, I'm not really into girls. Now, if your name was Kenny Chesney, John Cena, Nick Stokes, or Morgan on Criminal Minds I would really be interested in a phone number and definite contact with you. However, since you are Celina Janis, I'm assuming that you are of the female gender (and slightly hopeful that she is just your slutty sister whose email address you are borrowing, and if so call me!) and that most definitely doesn't float my boat, I'm afraid that I will have to pass.
     I appreciate your candor and honesty that you don't care if I'm in a relationship or not and specifically ask if I am interested in naughty fun on the side. I'm glad that you won't tell. That just means that we can use my husbands toothbrush to clean the grout around the toilet and I won't have to worry about you telling him, because I'm pretty sure that one day the puppies are going to turn on me. But I don't want another body to have to bury if the secret were to come out, so I guess I just can't have the "fun" that you keep suggesting we could have together. Now perhaps your idea of "naughty" fun involves something else like cleaning without gloves on but after thoroughly reading your email, I'm sure that your naughty fun includes things that my husband wouldn't approve of and something more that a "lady of the night" would.
     I was a little confused by the user id that you gave me to seek you out. But then I realized that Handjobgirl probably stands for some type of hand model. Which lotion do the professionals like yourself use? Maybe I could try it, because my cuticles are a mess. I know that I always use a nickname or something for a user id, perhaps when I graduate with my degree in accounting I can change that up and use my profession instead. How does Audityourassets sound? Catchy isn't it?
     Then the final cutting blow, Celina Janis Mccarthy, you told me to search for 30 or older on a particular site, now I know that I'm above 30, but I seriously don't look it, so that kinda hurt my feelings. Why would I have an age restriction on my friends? I am surrounded by 20 year olds on a daily basis and they are, for the most part really great. (I was a little worried that you accidentally gave me the wrong link, because I got some XXX rated website when I clicked on the link, and I know that your momma wouldn't approve of that sort of stuff, so I figured it was just your dirty uncle going through your email again.) Once again, I'm not into girls, and I'm all for the wild. I lived dangerously just this morning when I used coffee creamer that expired yesterday, and I'm pretty sure when I cook dinner tonight I will not wear an apron. I'm not sure how much more wild you want me to be. I'm trying to be more wild, I bought non-organic spinach for my lunch today.
     So Thank you Celina Janis Mccarthy for your email and the offer for the naked pictures, but at this time I will have to pass. I'm hoping that you find this letter in your search for true love or your search for more inboxes to hit with spam. Please know that it's nothing against hand models (even though they kinda creep me out), it's just a bad time for me. I'm really focusing on me right now. It's not you. It's me.
     I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this is just the way it has to be. Good luck to you Celina Janis Mccarthy, I hope you spam every email inbox in America, and then I hope you go global after that, because I know you have potential.

     Sincerely,
ANormal

PS. I would really like to know about the hand lotion!!

Public Service Announcement

Please stay tuned for a very special Public Service Announcement.

I have a question that I would really like an answer to.  I have, much to the embarrassment of all of the men I know, asked them each this question.  There responses, once they got over the shock, and they just wanted me to shut up, finally answered.

Here is what started this post -

I was driving home from work a few days ago, as I turned the corner I was driving towards a young man, who I guessed to be between 18-23 in age.  He was adjusting, scratching, playing, checking to make sure it hadn't rotten and fallen off his crotch area.  (I'm really hoping that you are getting the picture and don't need more details of the area than crotch.)

After the polling of the unfortunate men in my life, who know avoid looking me in the eyes, the big mystery of the crotch touching disease is.

itching and adjusting

Guess what boys, sometimes my butt itches, but I don't scratch it in public.  Sometimes my bra pokes in a place it shouldn't and I don't fondle them in public either.  Although I'm sure no man would complain.

It's not cute.  It's not appropriate. 

Next time you shake someones hand, think about this little tidbit -

That hand could have just been down their pants "adjusting and or itching" before it was touching your hand. 

Perhaps a good scrubbing and some lotion would help your itchy situation too.

This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Abby Normal.