Thursday, March 17, 2011

Public Service Announcement

This was written in response to an email that I recently received in my inbox, that most definitely should have gone in my spam folder. I have no idea who Celina Janis Mccarthy is personally, that was just the email address that the email came from, so please don't wish evil thoughts on me if she is your sisters, cousins, brothers, little sister's mother twice removed.

Dear Celina Janis Mccarthy,

     Thank you for your recent email. I was so very flattered that you think I'm cute. Every girl can use a confidence boost from a complete stranger, it's good for the ego. However, I am concerned because you say that we have a mutual friend, and I'm not sure that we do. See, I don't have many friends that have this particular email address, so I'm sure that there is some sort of misunderstanding.
     As appealing as the naughty fun that you say you want to have with me sounds, I'm not really into girls. Now, if your name was Kenny Chesney, John Cena, Nick Stokes, or Morgan on Criminal Minds I would really be interested in a phone number and definite contact with you. However, since you are Celina Janis, I'm assuming that you are of the female gender (and slightly hopeful that she is just your slutty sister whose email address you are borrowing, and if so call me!) and that most definitely doesn't float my boat, I'm afraid that I will have to pass.
     I appreciate your candor and honesty that you don't care if I'm in a relationship or not and specifically ask if I am interested in naughty fun on the side. I'm glad that you won't tell. That just means that we can use my husbands toothbrush to clean the grout around the toilet and I won't have to worry about you telling him, because I'm pretty sure that one day the puppies are going to turn on me. But I don't want another body to have to bury if the secret were to come out, so I guess I just can't have the "fun" that you keep suggesting we could have together. Now perhaps your idea of "naughty" fun involves something else like cleaning without gloves on but after thoroughly reading your email, I'm sure that your naughty fun includes things that my husband wouldn't approve of and something more that a "lady of the night" would.
     I was a little confused by the user id that you gave me to seek you out. But then I realized that Handjobgirl probably stands for some type of hand model. Which lotion do the professionals like yourself use? Maybe I could try it, because my cuticles are a mess. I know that I always use a nickname or something for a user id, perhaps when I graduate with my degree in accounting I can change that up and use my profession instead. How does Audityourassets sound? Catchy isn't it?
     Then the final cutting blow, Celina Janis Mccarthy, you told me to search for 30 or older on a particular site, now I know that I'm above 30, but I seriously don't look it, so that kinda hurt my feelings. Why would I have an age restriction on my friends? I am surrounded by 20 year olds on a daily basis and they are, for the most part really great. (I was a little worried that you accidentally gave me the wrong link, because I got some XXX rated website when I clicked on the link, and I know that your momma wouldn't approve of that sort of stuff, so I figured it was just your dirty uncle going through your email again.) Once again, I'm not into girls, and I'm all for the wild. I lived dangerously just this morning when I used coffee creamer that expired yesterday, and I'm pretty sure when I cook dinner tonight I will not wear an apron. I'm not sure how much more wild you want me to be. I'm trying to be more wild, I bought non-organic spinach for my lunch today.
     So Thank you Celina Janis Mccarthy for your email and the offer for the naked pictures, but at this time I will have to pass. I'm hoping that you find this letter in your search for true love or your search for more inboxes to hit with spam. Please know that it's nothing against hand models (even though they kinda creep me out), it's just a bad time for me. I'm really focusing on me right now. It's not you. It's me.
     I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this is just the way it has to be. Good luck to you Celina Janis Mccarthy, I hope you spam every email inbox in America, and then I hope you go global after that, because I know you have potential.


PS. I would really like to know about the hand lotion!!

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