Friday, September 24, 2010

Holding on or Letting Go

It’s been well over a year ago that I had decided I wanted to seriously pursue finishing my college education and getting a degree in accounting. A part of me had always wanted to finish, for no other reason than bragging rights, but about 18 months ago, I began to actively pursue my options and trying to find ways to make it work.

Today, I’m less than 3 months away from graduating with my associate’s degree. While that isn’t where I want to stop at, it is definitely a milestone in it’s own right.

As my graduation date has loomed I have been trying to get things in order to start my bachelor’s degree, then my master’s degree, and then take the CPA exam. So the last few weeks I have been looking into my options and doing research.

When I decided to go back to college it was necessary that I maintain a full time job. So instead of the traditional brick and mortar university, I chose a fairly popular online university. While, for the most part, I have enjoyed my time with this particular university, I wanted to ensure that once I completed my bachelor’s degree that I wouldn’t have any issues with finding a job and starting a master’s degree program. So over the last few weeks I have been doing some research into a local university here in town as well as my current college of choice.

Today, I’m not closer to making a choice than I was yesterday. In fact after news of upcoming changes in the company that my husband works for, I’m farther away.

Now I’m faced with two choices. While, I never really wanted to be a CPA, I just wanted the certification so that I had options when it came time for a job after graduation, I’m wondering if I am going to have to let that go.

And that terrifies the hell out of me.

I have wanted that degree for so long, that a part of me has been so focused, and I have tried to maintain a “not an option” attitude when it comes to getting frustrated and fed up. Because trust me, there have been plenty of times when I wanted to just throw in the towel, because it’s been hard and interfered with other parts of my life. Parts that I miss and that I mourn. Yet, I’m so afraid that by letting this one thing go, that I am going to miss out on that dream job, or that I will unconsciously, have given myself permission to fail.

This is one of those times that no matter which route I choose, which school I end up at, there will be equally sucky parts no matter where I go. One school offers convenience of online classes, and the other, more traditional school offers cheaper tuition, which means that I will owe less money when I graduate. One lets me keep my full time job, and the other will require that I not work at all, or that I only work part-time in order to finish my degree in a reasonable amount of time. Otherwise it could take me up to 10.5 years to finish my degree at the traditional university. I would be 41, and still have to go to grad school to take the CPA exam.

I’ve prayed, I’ve researched, I’ve asked opinions of advisors, of state board members, of family, of my facebook groupies, and of family. I get a mixed response, some say don’t wait until I’m 41, or I’ll never finish. Others tell me it shouldn’t matter how long it takes that cheaper is better.

What do I think? I think that letting go is the hardest part. No matter which direction I take, some part of me is going to be hurt, and going to suffer. Either path will change my life. Either path will lead me on a different direction with job hunting after I graduate. Either path could leave me either postponing or completely eliminating the CPA exam from my future.

While the exam is not ultimately where I wanted to end up in my career, it was part of the plan. I find myself trying to listen more to my head than my heart, although at the moment they are both seriously confused. One is preparing for the loss, because no matter which way I go, I will be losing something; the other is trying to prepare me and excite me about the future.

Eventually I’m going to have to make a choice. I’m going to have to take a leap of faith, the question is will I fly because I’ve let go, or will I fall, because I refuse to trust that God has something better in mind?

~ One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it. ~Sidney Howard

~ He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly. ~B.C. Forbes

~ Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel. ~Author Unknown

~ Sometimes the path you're on is not as important as the direction you're heading. ~Kevin Smith

~ The greatest dreams are always unrealistic. ~Will Smith

1 comment:

  1. You my dear sweet daughter can and will do this. I know you have doubts right now but follow your heart. When you follow your heart you have never be wrong before. No matter what you decide I will always be there for you, so will your father, and your sweet husband. Keep the faith my little one, you can do whatever you want to do. I know this for a fact... I have watched you do it for 31 years. You were less than 3 hours old and you decided you didn't want to look at the wall, so you lefted your head and turned to look at the world. You amazed me then and you amaze me now. I love you. MOM



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