Committed

As a college student, it's important to have goals. Most instructors at the first of the year want you to tell them what kind of grade you will likely get in the class and then, if living in a world that you ruled, what you would actually get.  Obviously in the world that you ruled, you would get everything your little heart desired. Without all the blood, sweat, and tears.

Let's face it, the real world if vastly different. I might want that A in Spanish, but without putting in lots (and lots, and lots, and lots, and..) the odds of that happening are zilch. Goals are important. They give you a finished result to work towards, but on the other hand they can be all consuming or even non motivating.

I'm overweight. Hello, my name is Abby, and I'm chunky.

This is where you say Hi Abby, then hand me chocolate.

I spend approximately 25 minutes of my day riding on the bus. Most days, I spend that time thinking about work, school, my husband, my lack of social life, or trying to talk myself into talking to strangers today. Apparently that's a lesson that I learned a little too well as a child. Yet today I thought about what good grades I got last semester. About how, even when I didn't feel like it, I stayed up and I did homework, and I studied, and I got a tutor, and about the A's and B's I finished the semester with. I took a Pass or else attitude. I had to pass my classes. I have to maintain a high GPA to keep from getting kicked out of the program. I don't have a choice. I have too. If I want that job I keep dreaming about, I have to do it. Whether I feel like it or not.

I wonder, where I would be if I could learn how to put that same effort into weight loss. Where would you be? Could you be working on your own college degree? Could you be 30 pounds lighter? Could you have the job you wanted? If you just showed the same amount of time and commitment to yourself and your own body that you gave everything else, what could you have accomplished?

I could be 30 pounds thinner. I could be more than that. But instead, I'm still sitting here. Waiting on myself to commit to me.

Sounds goofy when you think of it that way, doesn't it? And yeah, it does. But, if I'm not happy, then that job, that college experience, that _______, doesn't matter.

Maybe, this year, my 32nd year, will be the year that I can learn to commit some time to me for me. Maybe, you can find the time to commit to yourself too.

"So, self, I've been thinking. We've been together a long time, and I really can't imagine my life without you. Without you, I'm just a body, an empty shell of a person without you by my side."

(Presents beautiful, sparkly, shiny ring in a Tiffany blue box)

"Will you marry me?"

Yes!

Now, maybe just a little tweak to my calendar here, and a pinch there and I can schedule in some time to sweat. Other than sex.

Holding on or Letting Go

It’s been well over a year ago that I had decided I wanted to seriously pursue finishing my college education and getting a degree in accounting. A part of me had always wanted to finish, for no other reason than bragging rights, but about 18 months ago, I began to actively pursue my options and trying to find ways to make it work.

Today, I’m less than 3 months away from graduating with my associate’s degree. While that isn’t where I want to stop at, it is definitely a milestone in it’s own right.

As my graduation date has loomed I have been trying to get things in order to start my bachelor’s degree, then my master’s degree, and then take the CPA exam. So the last few weeks I have been looking into my options and doing research.

When I decided to go back to college it was necessary that I maintain a full time job. So instead of the traditional brick and mortar university, I chose a fairly popular online university. While, for the most part, I have enjoyed my time with this particular university, I wanted to ensure that once I completed my bachelor’s degree that I wouldn’t have any issues with finding a job and starting a master’s degree program. So over the last few weeks I have been doing some research into a local university here in town as well as my current college of choice.

Today, I’m not closer to making a choice than I was yesterday. In fact after news of upcoming changes in the company that my husband works for, I’m farther away.

Now I’m faced with two choices. While, I never really wanted to be a CPA, I just wanted the certification so that I had options when it came time for a job after graduation, I’m wondering if I am going to have to let that go.

And that terrifies the hell out of me.

I have wanted that degree for so long, that a part of me has been so focused, and I have tried to maintain a “not an option” attitude when it comes to getting frustrated and fed up. Because trust me, there have been plenty of times when I wanted to just throw in the towel, because it’s been hard and interfered with other parts of my life. Parts that I miss and that I mourn. Yet, I’m so afraid that by letting this one thing go, that I am going to miss out on that dream job, or that I will unconsciously, have given myself permission to fail.

This is one of those times that no matter which route I choose, which school I end up at, there will be equally sucky parts no matter where I go. One school offers convenience of online classes, and the other, more traditional school offers cheaper tuition, which means that I will owe less money when I graduate. One lets me keep my full time job, and the other will require that I not work at all, or that I only work part-time in order to finish my degree in a reasonable amount of time. Otherwise it could take me up to 10.5 years to finish my degree at the traditional university. I would be 41, and still have to go to grad school to take the CPA exam.

I’ve prayed, I’ve researched, I’ve asked opinions of advisors, of state board members, of family, of my facebook groupies, and of family. I get a mixed response, some say don’t wait until I’m 41, or I’ll never finish. Others tell me it shouldn’t matter how long it takes that cheaper is better.

What do I think? I think that letting go is the hardest part. No matter which direction I take, some part of me is going to be hurt, and going to suffer. Either path will change my life. Either path will lead me on a different direction with job hunting after I graduate. Either path could leave me either postponing or completely eliminating the CPA exam from my future.

While the exam is not ultimately where I wanted to end up in my career, it was part of the plan. I find myself trying to listen more to my head than my heart, although at the moment they are both seriously confused. One is preparing for the loss, because no matter which way I go, I will be losing something; the other is trying to prepare me and excite me about the future.

Eventually I’m going to have to make a choice. I’m going to have to take a leap of faith, the question is will I fly because I’ve let go, or will I fall, because I refuse to trust that God has something better in mind?

~ One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it. ~Sidney Howard

~ He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly. ~B.C. Forbes

~ Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel. ~Author Unknown

~ Sometimes the path you're on is not as important as the direction you're heading. ~Kevin Smith

~ The greatest dreams are always unrealistic. ~Will Smith