Life Goes On

This year has been full of suck. There has been death, dismemberment, and other all around general things that I would really prefer not to repeat.

Well, ok, there really hasn't been dismemberment, but those words just go together when you work in a sheetmetal shop.

It's been a year of moments, hours, days, and weeks that I wouldn't want to repeat. Yet, I have found myself wishing this year away in hopes that when the clock strikes midnight on December 30, that 2012 wouldn't hold the same amount of suck that 2011 has.

Then the Wednesday before Thanksgiving that all changed. Because let's be honest. No matter how bad things are in your own life, they can always get worse. Always.

A good friend of mine (who I'm pretty sure is my sister and we were just separated at birth) lost a childhood friend the day before Thanksgiving. Suddenly my year wasn't so bad after all. Yet at the same time her year hit rock bottom.

I look at the pictures of my childhood friend, whom I have known since Kindergarten and I wonder what I would do if something happened to her. I've known her 5 less years than I've been alive. 27 years we have been friends. 27 years. Suddenly someone my age dying made me feel very, very old.

I've spent over half of this year wishing it were over. Wishing that I could just hit the fast forward button and get to 2012 and it would be better. The last week, I have wished I could hit the pause button and savor some of these moments for the next 20 years and let 2012 show up later. Much, much later.

I've been so lost, and partially found and lost again since Papa died in July. Well, let's face it, probably when Grandpa died in April. There has been so much heartache, anger and hurt wrapped into this year that I would love to put it all behind me. However, just because I flip another page over in the calender, doesn't mean that things will be better. It will still be the exact same, except for the date I write on everything at work and school.

Whether or not I want next year to be better or not, has nothing to do with the year. It has everything to do with me and my attitude towards the problems that I face. I can choose to wallow in self pity and other emotions and suddenly I'll wake up and it's June and I'll think that this has been the worst 6 months of my life. When in reality, it was partly my choice to leave it that way.

This year has seen both heartache, joy, triumph, sadness, and laughter. Just like the last 32 have seen. 2012 could be better, it could be the same, or it could be infinitely worse. Some things are out of my control, but how I react to them, how I dwell on them, or move on, is entirely up to me.

Committed

As a college student, it's important to have goals. Most instructors at the first of the year want you to tell them what kind of grade you will likely get in the class and then, if living in a world that you ruled, what you would actually get.  Obviously in the world that you ruled, you would get everything your little heart desired. Without all the blood, sweat, and tears.

Let's face it, the real world if vastly different. I might want that A in Spanish, but without putting in lots (and lots, and lots, and lots, and..) the odds of that happening are zilch. Goals are important. They give you a finished result to work towards, but on the other hand they can be all consuming or even non motivating.

I'm overweight. Hello, my name is Abby, and I'm chunky.

This is where you say Hi Abby, then hand me chocolate.

I spend approximately 25 minutes of my day riding on the bus. Most days, I spend that time thinking about work, school, my husband, my lack of social life, or trying to talk myself into talking to strangers today. Apparently that's a lesson that I learned a little too well as a child. Yet today I thought about what good grades I got last semester. About how, even when I didn't feel like it, I stayed up and I did homework, and I studied, and I got a tutor, and about the A's and B's I finished the semester with. I took a Pass or else attitude. I had to pass my classes. I have to maintain a high GPA to keep from getting kicked out of the program. I don't have a choice. I have too. If I want that job I keep dreaming about, I have to do it. Whether I feel like it or not.

I wonder, where I would be if I could learn how to put that same effort into weight loss. Where would you be? Could you be working on your own college degree? Could you be 30 pounds lighter? Could you have the job you wanted? If you just showed the same amount of time and commitment to yourself and your own body that you gave everything else, what could you have accomplished?

I could be 30 pounds thinner. I could be more than that. But instead, I'm still sitting here. Waiting on myself to commit to me.

Sounds goofy when you think of it that way, doesn't it? And yeah, it does. But, if I'm not happy, then that job, that college experience, that _______, doesn't matter.

Maybe, this year, my 32nd year, will be the year that I can learn to commit some time to me for me. Maybe, you can find the time to commit to yourself too.

"So, self, I've been thinking. We've been together a long time, and I really can't imagine my life without you. Without you, I'm just a body, an empty shell of a person without you by my side."

(Presents beautiful, sparkly, shiny ring in a Tiffany blue box)

"Will you marry me?"

Yes!

Now, maybe just a little tweak to my calendar here, and a pinch there and I can schedule in some time to sweat. Other than sex.