How Well Do You Really Know Somone

Today, my heart hurts. It was a long, emotionally draining weekend at my house.

Friday, my husband lost his job. Their reason, leadership. I'm not sure exactly what that means, and they couldn't really explain it to him either, so to sum it up, they wanted him gone. Awesome.

Then Friday night we had a scare where we thought my 11 year old niece had not came home from school. She was found, safe and sound with her mother, who didn't have custody. Thank goodness, she was safe.

Little did I know that was just the beginning.

Have you ever had that moment, either with a friend of a family member where they just did something so outrageous that you suddenly realized that you never really knew who they were? That suddenly you were looking at a stranger. You recognized the face, but the actions would have never been something that you would have expected that person capable of.

I keep looking and thinking back trying to tell myself that signs weren't there, that there was nothing that any of us could have done to prevent this, or any signs that we ignored that it was happening. I hope we weren't so clueless.

Simply, because it is an ongoing investigation and my sweet 11 year old niece needs to learn to put her life back together. Because suddenly she has lived through things that I can't even begin to imagine, I can't say much because it is an ongoing investigation.

But, do me a favor, send some prayers to her, her little brother, and her mother. They are going to need some extra bursts of strength to help them make it through the coming weeks and months. Then say a few for the rest of her family that loves her. We are all having a hard time dealing with this as we trusted and loved someone who hurt her deeply.

Then, say a tiny prayer for my husband and I, and that he will find a job soon. Something that makes him happy. Because even though my job drives me crazy, when I actually have stuff to do, I love it.

Independence Day

Independence Day. After the last forty-eight hours those words will have a whole new meaning.

Today we wait. We wait for test results. We hope. We pray. We reminisce. We hope.

Last night we talked about the pain that Papa has suffered with. We talked about how hard that would be. We tried to prepare ourselves for the worst, all the time hoping for the best.

Sunday morning John's phone rang and we got the news. Papa had suffered a heart attack in the early morning hours. As we got to the emergency room, we were unprepared for the sight of him laying on the gurney, with a respirator sitting with him, helping him to breath.

We learned that the nursing home staff had found him, at approximately 4 am unconscious and in respiratory distress. They began to administer CPR, and in the process of trying to get him breathing again, he went into cardiac arrest. We have no idea of how long his brain was deprived of oxygen. But we hope.

Sunday evening we heard the results of the CT scan and we were pleased that there was no brain injury, mass, or bleeding. We continued to hope. Yet, we knew that the neurological consult would give us more answers.

Today, we hear the news of his lack of response. My heart just broke. As prepared as I thought I was for this outcome, for the possibility of no recovery, hearing that he was unresponsive as they poked and prodded him, I knew that the outcome wouldn't be what we wanted.

Yesterday, July 4th, was supposed to be a time of celebration and joy. It was supposed to be a day of celebrating our nation's struggle to become independent, to celebrate the birth of our government. Instead, it became a celebration of something else.

It became a celebration of life.

48 hours ago, Papa sat in a nursing home waiting for tomorrow when he would return home. 48 hours ago, things were fine. Until a little respiratory problem became a big problem, that led to a heart attack, that led to oxygen deprivation, that led to severe brain damage.

Last night we were given the prognosis. Last night, a son and two daughters made the choice to give their father his independence. They made the choice to send him home. They gave God the freedom for his will to be done.

And today, we wait. We wait for those beautiful moments when God's divine plan will shine through. We wait for those moments when a child will be reunited with the friends and family that have gone before him. We wait for the moment that his spirit is free from his body and that he goes home.

Over the last few weeks we have felt so guilty about the choices that we have made to move out. To move on with building our life. We have struggled with finding peace about the choices we have made.

Yet today as I write this, and as I have had conversations with Papa's beautiful daughters, I have found that peace. I have also seen God at work in all of our lives in ways that I have never seen Him at work before. And that has been beautiful. The duplex that we are renting fell into our laps. It was perfect. Size wise, price wise, location wise. It took days from the time we looked at it, until the lease was signed. Days. The day we signed the lease was the day that we learned that Papa was coming home from the nursing home. Several days later we told him of our departure from his home. And while there were times of strain and tension on our relationship during the 2 weeks that he was home before we moved out, we all tried to make the best out of the situation. We moved out the day after he went back to the nursing home to undergo 2 weeks of rehab and therapy to regain some of the strength that he had lost.

His two weeks was up tomorrow. He was supposed to go home tomorrow. Now I believe that he will go home tomorrow, just not to the one he owns.

There have been so many moments in my life when I have seen God at work. When I have felt his presence, his comfort, his love. There have been times when I have seen his plan revealed and there are times when it has been harder to find. There have been days where I have questioned my faith, and his presence in my life. Yet yesterday I realized that he knew that today was coming. He knew that our lives were going to be turned upside down and our hearts inside out. He knew. He spent the last two weeks helping us to get ready, of finding our home and setting it up. He spent the last two weeks making sure that we wouldn't have to go back to his house and stay there knowing that Papa would never sit in his recliner or walk down the hall or see his babies again. And for that I will always be thankful.

I can imagine that the next few days and weeks will be hard. I can imagine that as we all move forward with our lives that there will be moments of intense sadness and intense joy as we celebrate his life and as we share our memories of him.

Today I'm thankful that God is in charge. Today I'm thankful that he prompted Papa's daughters to come and that they were here yesterday with their big brother and that he had put the idea in there heads a month ago to come here to see their dad this weekend, even though they decided on a date at the end of the month. I'm thankful that our entire family will be able to lean on him and find comfort and peace in the days and weeks to come. I'm thankful that our family has each other.

Moments

Yesterday after reading Baron's Blog, the words were flowing. Yet today after learning that a family whom I grew up with has lost their 23 year old son to a tragic accident, make it hard to find the words for anything.

I was married at 23. That's something that he will never experience. His life had really just began and it was over in almost the same instant. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a child. I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a sibling.

Yet in the same moment there was joy. Because that's how life works. His family knows where he will spend his eternity. There is joy and peace in that.

So today, my request is simple - say a prayer for that family. For the parents who lost their baby. For the brother and sister who have lost a baby brother. For the nieces and nephews who will grow up without his continued wonderful influence. For the grandparents who recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and their 90th birthdays, who will be burying their grandson this week. Say a prayer for the rest of us who are trying to find peace and understanding at why such an incredible young man's life was cut so short. Then call your brother, sister and parents and be thankful that they are just a phone call away and not facing the alternative that this sweet family is.

~While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil. ~John Taylor

Friends

Believing hear, what you deserve to hear:
Your birthday as my own to me is dear...
But yours gives most; for mine did only lend
Me to the world; yours gave to me a friend.
~Martial

Cue cheesy Friends intro.

Sorry, with a title like that I just had to do it. Besides, when your crying later you will appreciate the gesture.

My friend Andrea lost her childhood friend Leslie last Wednesday. The day before Thanksgiving. Andrea is a year or so older than I am and they had been friends since they were just little tykes.

I can relate. I have a friend that I have known since kindergarten. We have been friends for 27 years. I can't imagine her not being a part of my life. Andrea is having to find out the hard way how to do that.

My husband lost both of his grandfathers this year, within just months of each other. Both had health problems, when it came down to it, one was inevitable, the other was a surprise. Both hurt him tremendously.

Unfortunately in life there is no owners manual that tells you how to deal with a problem like this. There is no manual that tells you it's ok to grieve and for how long, and that it's ok to have a breakdown in the middle of Tar-get on a Tuesday night. Or in the middle of Wally world when you see a display of chocolate covered cherries.

I would like to tell my husband and Andrea that contrary to popular belief and the way that they feel at that exact moment goes away. That sharp pain because dull, and then after a while it throbs less and less frequently. The bad news is, it never completely goes away. Contrary to what other people tell you. That was the hard part for me to understand.

I thought that by now, knowing that my grandfather has been gone for 8 years that I wouldn't tear up when I saw that display of chocolate covered cherries. I would love to say that my heart doesn't ache when I work on rebuilding his navy scrapbook, I would love to say that I can look at his picture on my dresser from our wedding day and not wish that he was still around. How I would love to be able to talk to him about some of the things that I hear at school and about some of the things that I see at work. Yet, I'm going to have to wait until I get a trip to heaven to accomplish that.

As I think about Andrea dealing with the loss of her friend, I'm comforted by the fact that she know has a beautiful guardian angel who is saving her a seat in heaven, for when they get to meet again. I hope that she can find some comfort in that.

Life Altering

Can you imagine everything you had dreamed about and hoped for all changing in a split second? And after that particular moment how your life will never be the same.

This week someone who I went to high school with has experienced something that has fundamentally changed all of us. Every person that is her friend on facebook has been given a different perspective.

She lost her child. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, at 19 weeks. She was days away from finding out the sex of her greatly anticipated, and very much wanted, second child. Then as suddenly as she discovered this precious baby’s existence, she was gone just as quickly.

I can’t begin to imagine the emotions that she and her husband are experiencing right now. I only had my baby for 9 weeks, it was hard enough then, but she had began to feel the little flutters that the baby had brought, and then to suddenly lose it all.

What amazed me the most was the people on face book, and their reactions. Of course they were all saddened, as most of them have children, and they too, couldn’t imagine the injustice of it all. I’m sure that they were very grateful that their children were being too loud, or hitting their brother, or making messes, instead of the alternative.

All of those people on facebook that I went to high school with surprised me. For several days, not a single person complained about anything. Not one. Instead they all listed the things that they were thankful for, like their kids, spouses, pets, and for their faith. Because no matter what they had experienced in their lives up until that point, it all paled in comparison to the plight that we were all witnessing. Nothing could be as horrible as losing a child. It’s something that no parent, regardless of whether or not the baby had been born yet, should every have to experience.

I understand that things happen, things that I have absolutely no control over and the outcomes will not always be pleasant. That often those moments, those life altering moments will be because of a choice that someone else will have made for me. Car wrecks happen, planes crash, heart attacks, strokes, miscarriages, old age. None of us are immune, and sometimes those choices can change our lives forever.

I can’t begin to fathom experiencing a pregnancy up to that point, and anxiously awaiting to find out whether that baby was a girl or a boy, and then finding yourself in the middle of a nightmare hoping that you wake up and that this isn’t really happening.

I remember when the phone rang the morning that my husband had his wreck. It was a little after 9 in the morning, and I was asleep, because I was working nights, and after I saw his name on the caller ID and answered, as long as I live, I don’t think that I will ever forget the way his voice sounded. Ever. Within seconds I knew that something was wrong, that wreck, changed both of our lives. Probably not mine as much as it did his, but every time I see a car pull up to a stop sign going faster than I would like, I hold my breath until they stop. I can’t imagine how my husband feels.

While that was nothing compared to what my facebook friends are experiencing, it profoundly affected my life. Just like this loss, has affected all of her facebook friends lives. We are all young, and we have all experienced loss, just not to that degree, and none of us are prepared. Not that you could ever be prepared for something like that.

So the question remains: How do you move forward? How do you get up day after day and know that your life and your family will never be the same again? You simply do. And you keep doing that, over and over again, because no matter how immense your grief life goes on. Car payments are still due and dinner still has to be cooked.

I’m amazed at how well she is holding up and grieving. She has a strength that I hope I never have to find in myself. She has even managed to find joy in her daughter, and in saying goodbye to the daughter that she lost. She has managed to give profound reminders to all of us on facebook that God has a plan. And that a 2nd child wasn’t in her plans for right now. She has found peace in a situation that would have most angry, that would have caused most people to question their faith and God.

Instead she is rejoicing.

So this week, when things have seemed to be going down-hill, I have tried to rejoice. It hasn’t been easy, but this week I am very thankful. I’m thankful that my husband lets me boss him around, I’m thankful that he is at home with me instead of out running around, I’m thankful that I have 3 dogs who drag out toys and have takeout food that I step on at 2am, I’m thankful that they bark and howl and make lots of noise when I come home, even if I only took the trash out, I’m thankful that I have two parents who love and support me no matter what goofy things I do, I’m thankful that I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends who love me too.

I’m rejoicing that God has a plan so wonderful that I can’t even begin to fathom its greatness. Sure there will be loss included in that plan, but without loss, life becomes meaningless. There is greatness in that too.

As for my friend and her loss, she is finding the joy, the beauty; in what precious time she had with her 2nd born. She is a wonderful example of faith and hope. I only hope that she realizes how many lives she has touched and changed with this experience, including my own. Maybe that was God’s plan for this beautiful baby girl after all.

~Even hundredfold grief is divisible by love. ~Terri Guillemets

~We acquire the strength we have overcome. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

~There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown