Thursday, August 5, 2010

Lost and Found

As our family moves forward this week after losing Jack, I find myself lost. At the funeral as the pastor talked less about Jack's life, I found my mind wandering. As I looked around the room, the realization, that if I live to be 86, the majority of the people in the room with me, wouldn't be there. Over the course of the next 56 years I would sit through dozens of funerals. Yes, it's a morbid thought, but it's reality. We won't live forever. Sucks doesn't it?

That doesn't sound very lost, just weird. Right? Wrong. Speaking from someone who is a full time idiot student, has a full time job, a husband, laundry, dishes, doggies, and a few friends; it's hard to find time for everything. So you get lost. You start trying to prioritize and the dishes go unwashed and the laundry piles up, while you focus on homework, or you focus on your husband and marriage and the homework and laundry pile up. So you feel overwhelmed and, well, lost.

I'm also at a cross roads with school. I want to finish so bad, and December marks a significant milestone with my associate's degree. Yet, trying to make a decision about what route to take with my bachelor's degree is proving to be more difficult than it should be. I want to have options, I don't want to be stuck with being a CPA or a corporate accountant. I want to be able to do both, not either or. I want to be able to find a job I can fit into, and right now, I don't know where I fit. I don't know if I will be the corporate guru, or if I will do something else, like CPA or forensic accounting. I don't have a clue, and realistically I don't need to have one just yet. I'll start my bachelors in January and that will take 2 (two) years to finish. Plus the extra hours so that I can take my CPA exam. Eek!!

So that leaves me at lost. I don't know where to go or what to do, and that always makes me wonder if I haven't made a mistake. I start second guessing all the decisions that brought me to this one. I start thinking about the thousands of dollars that this is costing me and then I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off without all this headache and debt. Then again, I see the house that I want and I just have to hope that this is the right path, the one that God wants me to be on, not the one I want me to be on.

And all that does, is make me even more lost.

So if you see me out wandering around, perhaps you should grab me, and hang onto me, until I find me too.

~All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

~If you would attain to what you are not yet, you must always be displeased by what you are. For where you are pleased with yourself there you have remained. Keep adding, keep walking, keep advancing. ~Saint Augustine

~We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance. ~Harrison Ford

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