Friday, April 9, 2010

Life Changing

Something is seriously "off" with me. Twice in the last few months, I have felt compelled to send a message to "friends" on facebook. And I've followed through. Better check me for a fever.

I'm not an outgoing person. I don't like the attention and when all these eyeballs are looking at me, I begin to stutter and stammer and second guess every word that comes out of my mouth. Until I get to know you, then I don't shut up. I just don't do well with people I don't know. And these "friends" I don't really know anymore. One of them, I worked with many moons ago. She had been on my mind when I wasn't on Facebook, so I sent her a message. And we talked for hours one morning. There was alot going on in her life, a lot that she was struggling with. The funny thing is - she helped me more than I could have possibly helped her.

The second message, sent just yesterday, was directed to someone I went to high school with. Which was ?? ago. What? You didn't think I would reveal my true age did you. (Hint look at blog title) I haven't seen her in that long, nor talked to her. So I don't really "know" her anymore. I sent her a message too. I didn't even proofread it for fear I would change my mind.

Lately I have struggled, again, when having a baby. I whined to the doctor about it on Tuesday, I whined to my husband, and my dogs. Guess what?!? I'm..still not having a baby. I've been unhappy, and I have let this problem become larger and more in charge than it should. I have let it rule my happiness. My sanity. While it has every right too, require thought, it shouldn't rule my life.

The doctor suggested that I make up a list of things that I hated about my life. Things that if I ruled the world I would change. So I started naming things - like my weight, my unhappiness, I came up with 5 things. One of which was the child I long for. Did you know that all of those things but one are within my control to do something about? All of them. I can go on a diet, I can exercise, I can manage my time better. All of those are within my control. All it takes is effort on my part. Faith. Faith in me mostly.

She also suggested that I write a letter. A letter to the child I miscarried, and a letter to the child I haven't conceived. A letter that "lets them go". Just like when my grandparents died, I have to let that baby go. I have to grieve. I have to experience the loss and then move on. Move on. It's hard. It's scary. It's something I don't want to give up on.

The high school friend said something about praying "Lord, your will be done" and "Lord, when will". I can so relate to that. When we were first trying to get pregnant it was, if we are meant to have a baby, then let it happen. The more time passed it became when will I get pregnant. When did I lose faith? When I got tired, because I wasn't getting the results I wanted in Abby Time. I forgot about God's plan, about His bigger picture. About being right where He wanted me to be.

Last night I had an epiphany. Brace yourselves. This is big.

I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have dealt with all of this, suffered through it all it, so that for these two people, I could use my pain, to help them deal with theirs. To help them remain faithful. To help them, help me. God has plans for me. Plans so great that I can't even begin to imagine them. Plans that I'm excited to learn about. Plans that may or may not be the things I want for myself.

I had wanted to change their lives, their perspectives, and instead they ended up changing mine.

~The best way to change your life is to change someone else. ~Author unknown

"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away.""
~ Abraham Lincoln

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