8 Day Challenge - Day 2

Today's weight. 067.0  Change -3.4

I woke up with a slight headache this morning, but it eased up during my shower, and by 9:30 was gone. Quite sure it was allergy related, as we had rain overnight, and that's normal for me. Plus I stayed up a little later than I wanted (which I've done all week)I had the best of intentions of going to bed, but got a phone call about a possible new customer for one of the 4 brands that I sale, and ended up sending out a couple of emails instead. So I've gone to bed later than usual most of the week now. It was gone by the time I got to work, so I'm still quite sure that it was allergy related, because at that point, I hadn't had enough of anything to eat to get rid of it.  I've heard people mention that they have felt "weird" starting today, from the lack of carbs to the lack of...everything. Yet, I feel fine. I'm not tired, I'm not shaky or anything. I've wondered around the shop twice now, because I felt the need to burn off some energy.

7:45 1 scoop, 1 tbsp of PB2 chocolate version, 8 oz light vanilla soy milk. Shake, shake, shake!

9:34 - having a hard time drinking water (I struggle with drinking anyway). If I'm not thirsty I don't want to drink. So some days I don't drink more than 30 oz. I didn't hit 128 oz yesterday, but that's about what I average, but it's way, way above where I was 3 weeks ago, before my amazing supplements. I might have to start at 70 oz, and each week add more until I make that 128. It's not hard to hit 70 anymore. But maybe that would give me a chance to get my body used to it. I'm getting hungry. It's going to be a long hour.

10:00 - walked around our shop, and not quite as hungry. I think part of it was mental and part of it was that I needed to get up and burn off some energy. I spend most of my days sitting at a desk, but I try to make a lap through the building every couple of hours.

10:30 - 2 hard boiled eggs, cheese stick, 2 oz of mesquite smoked turkey lunch meat. 5 oz total. Yes, I weigh everything all together. It was 5oz on the dot.  Like yesterday, I'm hungry, but not starving. Cheated on the eggs. Seems that I either picked more filling foods than yesterday, because by the time I finished everything, I felt stuffed. Yesterday was perfect, today too much.

11:46 - new plan. Aiming for 80 oz of water from now on. Period. And before you all go sending me hate mail about how I need to hit the gallon mark. If I'm being honest here. There isn't anyway that I could make that today. As of this moment I've had exactly 8.45 oz for the day. I can't force myself to drink water that's just going to make me feel like I want to hurl. So. New plan. 80 oz this week. Adding 10 oz next week. I'll just have to do that until I get to the point that I can do 128 oz. On the days I go over, we will just consider it a bonus. Because in the next 10 minutes I need to have drank 30 oz. It's not going to happen. Thankfully. The good news is, that 80 oz is more than I could drink if I started this challenge when I got my stuff in the mail 3 weeks ago. It's hard when your not thirsty and you have to literally force it down. For those who dislike chicken livers, it would be like telling you that you had to eat 2 an hour every day. I know water is key. But I'm frustrated that I'm not anywhere close to making it.

1:00 - 1 scoop, 1 tbsp PB2 chocolate variety, 8 oz light vanilla soy milk. I wasn't all that hungry. I could have waited another 30 minutes or so, but that would have made me want dinner later, and I'm not sure my husband, who has been us since 2 am would appreciate that. So, I'm drinking a shake that I don't particularly want. I'm sure that by now you can tell I've found my favorite shake flavor for 8 day challenges. Someone suggested on yesterday's post about trying actual peanut butter, instead of the powder. I might give it a go, but probably not. It will be too hard to do once I start back to school. I'll need something that's easier, but I might try it. Although, the idea of creamy peanut butter makes me want to gag. I'm not a fan of creamy peanut butter, and in order to incorporate it, I would need to blend it, and like I said, that's not realistic once I start back to school. Because the first "glob" of peanut butter would be the end of that 8 day challenge and the beginning of a short love affair with a cheeseburger.

3:30 - 2 hamburger patties with 1 slice of cheese. 6 oz of protein. Not really hungry. But ate it anyway. Kinda like the shake for lunch. Other than that feeling pretty good. Except for the extreme boredom of a typical Friday at work. The only people who call or come in on Friday's are sales guys and telemarketers. It makes for a long day. Thank goodness for the internet, Kindles, and my addiction to pinterest. Like my morning snack, this ended up feeling like "too much". But once again, not really hungry. Yet yesterday didn't feel like enough. But maybe without being as hungry I can avoid my 10:30 snack tonight.

7:43 - 1 scoop, 1 tbsp PB2 chocolate. Tonight is typically date night in our house, so this was a hard switch. I usually enjoy something for dinner tonight (since today is also my weigh in day), that is fantastic and not all that awesome for losing weight. So I kinda missed that, but the results on the scale this morning made it some easier. I can't imagine how hard this would be if I were doing it and my husband was eating something fantastic too. So glad that he is doing this with me, it has made the past 2 days so much easier. I'm tired of the shakes. Starting to wonder if I can make it the rest of the week. I'm not feeling to good, stupid allergies, so I would imagine that's part of it. If my husband wasn't ready for his shake, I probably would have avoided mine for a few more hours, if I even had it.

9:00 - 2 flush. To help me flush. Too bad it won't help me pay my water bill. Good thing I'm saving toilet paper rolls for something I saw on pinterest for Halloween. With all the water, I should have a ton of the things by the middle of October.

10:19 - Tired. Tired of shakes. Ready for bed. A little hungry, so I'm going to eat a cheese stick and go to bed. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow WILL be better. I'm looking forward to the actual food and less shakes. I'm quite sure that those shakes are going to kill me. Well, that and the water too.

What I've learned today - Even though I'm doing this challenge (and today has been less of a challenge than yesterday, at least in hindsight), I still have to pay attention to my body. I know it better than whoever designed this challenge. Thus the reason for the late night snacks. If I wake up with a headache, I'll want a Diet Dr. Pepper, and a bacon, egg, cheese, and potato breakfast burrito. Which isn't good for me anyway. I've thought that perhaps I should up the protein amount on my snacks every day, but for this first challenge, I'm not going to change anything as far as those amounts go. I know my body, I know how I feel, and I know me a lot better than someone who doesn't walk around in my body. Because I know that what works for me, might not work for someone else. I also know that in order to stick with something, you have to make it livable for your lifestyle. Without school to work around, this challenge is going fine. But when I do my 2nd one in about 6 weeks, I'll have a full time course load, as well as a full time job to work around. Whatever I do can't add to the crazy that is my life, or I'd only make it through 2 days before caving. I also know that the next challenge I do, I'll swap out today's higher mid morning snack for day 1. And plan for less on day 2. Then again. my allergies are being difficult today, and I usually don't have much of an appetite when that happens anyway.

Had to go get more soy milk, and it was tempting to have Subway for dinner. They were baking bread and it smelled like heaven. Little fluffy pillows from heaven. And popcorn. Bastards. So make sure that you don't go to the store for anything. It was, REALLY, REALLY tempting to have Subway for dinner, and if my husband hadn't been with me, I probably would have caved. I'm just hoping my results the end of the week are going to be worth this. I know they will be great, but I just need a little kick of motivation. Hopefully going to bed at a decent hour and sleeping in will help with that.

8 Day Challenge - Day 1

Here's my beginning stats:
Weight: your kidding right - here's the last few digits 70.4 (this is the lowest I've been in 2 years, down another pound from last week)
waist - 59"
Right thigh - 30.5
Left thigh - 31.5
Right Arm - 17.75
Left Arm - 18

I have pictures that I took, that I'll post after the challenge. I made sure to wear some snugger fitting clothes so that I could not only see (hopefully) a difference, but I knew I would notice a difference in how they fit.
6:45 is way to early for my alarm to go off. After a couple of snoozes and 15 minutes later I'm up, the dogs are out and I'm headed to the kitchen for 2 Xyng and a 16.9 oz bottle of water. I might drown before the day is over with. Drinking isn't my strong suit.

7:50 1 scoop of Lean mean protein shake powder, 1 tsp cocoa powder, because chocolate for breakfast, count me in! 8 oz light vanilla soy milk. Taste test. Can't really taste the chocolate (so I thought) so I added a couple of sprinkles of cinnamon to the top. Headed to work. Very vanilla still, might have to try plain soy milk. Although it tastes like vanilla bean ice cream.

8:00 found the chocolate. Now my shake totally tastes like the frosting on this cinnamon chocolate cake that my mom made when I was a kid. Freaking fantastic.

9:45. I'm hungry. Good thing, my snack time is coming up soon, otherwise I wouldn't make it too lunch. Might not be a bad idea to try 2 scoops of protein tomorrow. About to force myself to drink the rest of the bottle of water I started out with this morning.

10:30- Amazingly so, the majority of the bottle of water helped with being hungry.  I was still hungry before the snack, but not starving. I was worried that this wasn't going to be enough food, and that I would eat it and still be starving. I forced myself to eat slowly, and to take my time. I tried to focus on what I was eating instead of working, but that didn't work out too well. 2 hard boiled eggs and a cheese stick, plus an ounce of beef . Based on weight in oz, 5 oz of protein. I cheated on it. And slightly salted and peppered the egg. I'm not hungry. Now I'm off to drink lots of water. So far I've had 16.9oz + some. Not near enough to make 128oz for the day without spending half of my night getting up and going to the bathroom.

12:53 - 1 scoop, 8 oz light vanilla soy milk, 2 tbsp PB2 powder, the chocolate flavored kind. Holy, mother of shakes, batman. I'm quite sure I'm drinking a Reese's peanut butter cup. I'm hoping that no one will notice when I start licking the cup clean. This is freaking fantastic. FANTASTIC. Guess what I'm having for dinner? Of course that would mean that I had chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh darn. That's a shame. :) I'm not sure I can every drink another shake any other way ever again. Ever. Still working on the water. I've had about 40 oz of water. Aiming to finish my 50.7 oz bottle before 5, as well as start on another one.

3:30 - 1 hamburger patty with colby pepper jack cheese. 4.5 oz of protein. I was still a little hungry so I had 1 oz of beef jerky. 

3:45 - make the water stop. Gah, I don't have this much trouble drinking on the weekends, but get to work, and its a royal pain. I'm quite sure that there is a little hamster in my body that is sandbagging the doors, and has on a life jacket and life preserve.
6:50 - 2 scoops of lean, 2 tbsp of PB2 - chocolate baby! 16 oz of soy milk. It's weird to be drinking my dinner. I'd feel better if I had just had dental work done. I'm having flash backs to my high school years and braces. As I'm typing this, there is still about 1/4 of the shake left. I was afraid of starving, but 2 scoops is way, way too much food. Way, way, way too much. So my ideas of a 2nd scoop in the morning are a no go. Plus I still have about a bajillion ounces of water to drink. I ended up pouring about 1/8 - 1/4 of a cup down the drain. I just couldn't finish it.

7:40 - I hope our water bill doesn't go up from all the flushing. Shouldn't have waited this late on the water. Oops. Hopefully I'll get better about water. I keep hoping I'll get used to it and not have to force myself to drink.

9:00 - 1 flush down.

10:35 - Headed to bed. I'm feeling good. Tired, but that's to be expected. I'm also slightly hungry. So I'm going to grab a cheese stick (so I don't wake up with a headache) and head to bed. It will be an extra 3/4 of an ounce of protein, but I've got to be realistic if I'm going to make it 8 days. I can't starve, or this will be my first, and my last challenge. That's why I like Weight Watchers so much, no food is off limits, and if you make smart choices, you don't starve to death.

Day 1 is in the books.

What I've learned: Even though I'm worried about being hungry, I'm really not. 2 scoops of lean is just too much. Won't make that mistake again. I've heard of people feeling weird from the lack of carbs, but I'm fine. I haven't felt any different than normal. Although the later it gets the more tired I am, but not sure if that's from staying up too late last night or from today's activities. Like I said, I'm also a little hungry, and simply because I don't want to wake up starving and miserable, I'm going to eat something. I've got my shakes ready. I've got my snacks ready. Day 2 is going to be a piece of cake...er shake!

And in the Beginning...There was Fat

In the beginning there was fat.

Hopefully the ending will be different.

No, I know the ending will be different.

A few months ago another blog that I follow shared how she was losing some serious weight, without extreme unhealthy measures. Since I've fought the fat battle most of my life, and lost, I thought I would give this a try. I caved. I ordered, I waited, I prayed. Then I got the stuff, and I half assed it.

I've been stuck at the same weight for a few months. I've maintained this weight in the past for a couple of years. Just wouldn't budge. I tried everything to get the scale to move, and it just wouldn't happen.

Then in April I decided that I could lose the weight. If I could go back to college and be successful at that, then I could add losing weight to the mix too. So I joined Weight Watchers. I counted points until I'm quite sure I looked at everything with a points value. My car, the dog, stamps, gummy bears. I counted it all. Then I hit those blasted numbers and the scale has spent the last two months laughing at me.

Tomorrow, I'm going to wipe that smile off it's face. I'm starting my first 8 day challenge. The beauty of that is that my husband is going to take that little journey with me. He's lost 60ish pounds since February (boys suck) just by starting a new, very physical job. I'm slightly jealous. I would even go to work with him if I wouldn't kill over within an hour. But I would die. So he gets to do all the hard work and I'll keep my cushy office job with very little pay.

So between Thursday and next Friday, I'll post every single day. Because I want to be able to share with some other people who are in a group with me, following this amazing program. I want those who are on the fence about how they can't do it, or how they don't want to do it to take a walk in my shoes and see, that if someone with my crazy schedule can make it work, that they can too. I want them to have someone telling them what they ate and what they drank to give them some ideas, and some support. Because let's face it, losing weight is hard. You get in a rut and you don't know how to get out.

So to my regular readers, things are going to be interesting for the next week, and I'll make sure to post something good next week for you besides weight loss. But for the rest of you, it will literally be like your following me around. I'll post everything. I'll even post updates on Twitter, so you can follow along there.

If, you have questions, or want more information, use the contact tab and shoot me an email. I'd be happy to share how in just 3 short weeks, this program is changing my life.

Tomorrow is the beginning. The beginning to kicking fatties butt.

The Planned Leap of Faith

Several days ago a friend on Facebook posted something that I’ve pondered about for days.

She took the scenic route home one night, and had her two kids in the car. They approached a red light, and saw a homeless man holding a sign asking for money for McDonald’s or Wendy’s because he was hungry and homeless. Her oldest boy (who is 3-4 years old) wanted her to stop and get the guy some food. He kept pointing out the McDonald’s and Wendy’s locations where she could stop. However, (no judgement here) she didn’t stop. She told her kids that their dad was waiting and maybe some other time.

I can relate. A lot.

She continued on about why didn’t she trust.

I can relate. A lot.

I’ve pondered over what she wrote for days. I’ve thought about the last few months, heck the last year of my life and wondered when I quit trusting. I’m not talking about not trusting that the homeless guy wouldn’t hurt me or my family, but when did I quit trusting myself, my husband, my marriage, my relationships.

I’m hard on myself. Really hard. I like things to go according to plan. I like things to be perfect. I like to know the future and make sure that something is doable. I even like to plan out all the steps to my leaps of faith. But that makes it not a leap, but just the next step. Yet, when the tiniest thing screws up my “plans” my world is completely turned upside down. There is no room for error, or even to recover, so that tiny pebble in the road, suddenly becomes a boulder, and everything else seems more difficult and more complicated than it should have been.

A few days ago we purchased a new car. After prodding from a friend the night before not to worry so much and think about things so much, I told my husband to just do it. He was rather surprised. Okay, scared the hell out of him is probably a little more accurate. He was so confused by the very sudden, change of heart. He was right, we needed to do it. We needed to quit relying on my parents and their patience with the use of their additional car. So, thankfully I didn’t freak out while he was signing the papers, but the payments were a little more than I wanted. Only $40 more, but still. When we had the total amount of our monthly payment, I added it up with our rent and our truck payment. I very nearly cried. It’s a lot of money. It’s a lot of money when you are terrified that something will go wrong. It’s-a-lot-of-money-when-you-only-work-part-time-and-if-your-husband-loses-his-job-you-will-be-homeless. So I might have freaked out after we left the dealership. I said might have. However, if questioned and even tortured I will deny everything.

When did I stop trusting? Why didn’t I have faith that things would be okay? That God would provide for us? He most certainly did when my husband lost his job in January. We didn’t have to borrow money from anyone to pay the bills. We got by. I was trying to focus on school and not worry so much, and things turned out fine. In fact I told my husband when he was offered one job that the pay was slightly above minimum wage, that if he wanted to hold out and see what happened, he could. I’d like to find that girl. I’m quite sure she only shows up in periods of sleep deprivation.

I’ve always hesitated. I’ve always planned. It takes months of planning for something most people can decide in a few minutes.

I am scared.

I listen to the doubts that creep into my mind of all the possibilities and of all the things that can go wrong.

At what point did that become okay? What about all the other things I make excuses about because I’m scared of what the outcome might be? That list is long. What about all the things I'm afraid to try to attempt because I'm scared of the outcome? That list is very, very long. Which is unfortunate, not only for myself but for John, and for our friends and our family, because they are missing out on the wonderful experiences that I'm too afraid to follow through with.

There is so much going on in my life that I’m terrified of failing. There are so many things that I want the outcome to be good. No better than good, amazing, magnificent. Yet, those excuses keep popping back up.

I’m never good enough. I’ll never graduate. I’ll never pass all my classes. I won’t lose the weight this time either. I won’t be enough. I’ll let my friend Andrea down. I’ll let my friend Amber down. I’ll say the wrong thing. I’ll do the wrong thing. I'll never measure up. I'll never be enough.

I won’t trust.

Them, or myself or anything.

Sure, I’m still terrified, I still want to “what if” every single decision to death. Yet, if I don’t trust myself, my husband, my friends, or my family – then what am I doing? Other than adding gray to my hair and wrinkles to my face, which my husband does an amazing job of pointing out.

There are a variety of things that have nagged me for months. That have tried to push me into taking that leap of faith. Yet, I've resisted. Even the sermon at church yesterday was motivated at me following through and trusting myself. Talk about divine intervention.

So I'm trying. I'm trying not to think every single situation to death. I'm trying not to let that little voice that tells me I can't, or that I'm not good enough just ramble. Then when I get so tired of it, I'm stuff a bandanna in her mouth and sending her to the corner.



Borrowed from Mt. Hope Chronicles

I need to learn how to be a good friend, a good wife, a good daughter. To stop hesitating. To stop second guessing. To stop letting the excuses control my thoughts and my actions. Before I realize that it’s too late.

Time Flies

One summer, I remember being particularly bored and actually ready for school to begin again (don't judge, I get excited about school supplies too) and was whining to whoever was within ear shot about how bored I was and how slowly time was moving.
My grandfather, whom I adored, informed me that a week to me was a year to him. As an 8ish year old, it wasn't really a profound statement, although I remember my mom standing nearby and being in complete disbelief, and amazingly so agreement. I thought they were both crazy. Now I know why. Well, I don't know why they were crazy, I'm not sure a psychologist could even answer that question, but I understand the disbelief.

*It's hard to believe I've been at TTU for almost 2 years. I'll finish my second year and 5th (thanks to summer school) semester in December.

*I'll be 33 in September.

*John and I will celebrate our 13th Anniversary in December.

*The puppy that John gave me for my birthday, just before our 2nd anniversary, will be 11 years old this year.

*My other furry baby will be 10.

*My grandfather has been gone for 8 years this October. He would be 90 on Halloween.

*My grandmother 6 in January. She would be 82 in October.

*They would have been married 64 years this year.

*My niece will turn 12 in August. I remember when she was just a toddler with little blonde ringlets.

*Her brother turned 9 last month. I remember when he was born.

* I remember my stepsister telling everyone else that she was pregnant, but avoided telling me because she knew how devastated I would be, because at the time John and I were pursuing infertility treatments to have our own child. I remember tears running down my checks when she finally called and told me that she was having a baby in just 3 short months. I sat in the floor of our bedroom and cried when we hung up.

*I remember the day that John and I agreed that we couldn't keep doing treatments. It was only yesterday, but actually it was 6 years ago.

*I've been at the same job, since we moved for 4 years last month.

*My 15 year high school reunion is next year.

*I remember when I had to by hair dye because my husband informed me that I had several gray hair patches. That was last week, his funeral will be soon...I just have to find him first.

It's funny how the older we get our perceptions and our perspectives change. I have an amazing friend (who I'm quite sure we are sisters and were separated at birth, because she is the only other person I have found who doesn't like the milk after cereal has contaminated it, along with a variety of other freaky similarities) who is currently fighting cancer. Her oldest child, who is absolutely adorable and brilliant (no, I'm not biased), was born 2 months early. Her perception of time is probably vastly different than mine. Although I'm sure that there are moments that time passes us both by faster and slower than we would like it too, yet, we both grasp that it's moving way to quickly when it comes to the grand scheme of things.

There are plans and choices that we are making in our life right now that have a expiration date on them. Once we begin in order to reach our desired end result, we have to commit to spending 2 years on the process. Right now that seems like a dreadful length of time to wait, especially for something as special as the end result would be to both of us. Yet, there are other things going on in my life that I want to give a chance too as well (I would elaborate more, but we are avoiding all parents, family, friends, and people who actually know us, so that we can be completely happy with this choice and have no regrets later on down the road to elaborate now), so that a prior option that wasn't an option might actually be an option.

And if you understood any of that you deserve some sort of medal. Because I wrote it, I knew what I was talking about and I don't understand any of it. You're Welcome.

My point (which was lost about 3 paragraphs ago), was how time keeps ticking away whether we want it to or not. And my grandfather, he was right. When your waiting for something big, 2 years will seem like a lifetime, yet when your just trucking along trying to finish college, 2 years will seem like yesterday.

So the question remains, what will you regret in a year that you didn't start doing today?

Love is....

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  ~1 Corinthians 13:4-10

John's sister got married on Saturday, her ceremony was a little different than one I have been to before, as there was audience participation in a part asking that we help to guide them and support them. There was nothing wrong with it, just different.

As the pastor got to a section in their ceremony, as often happens, the famous "Love is patient" spiel began. Yet, at the love is kind section, I got a little side tracked.

Love is kind.

Love is supposed to be kind, but somewhere along the way we all screw that up. Every.single.person.

After the sit down with my inlaws a few months ago, I had hoped that relationship was on the road to recovery. Instead I think that relationship might not ever "heal". To a certain extent, I think that the majority of the parties involved have gotten to a place of comfort, a place that's easy, and instead of pushing forward and trying to change things, so that the past doesn't repeat itself, I think that we have moved on.

We are still often excluded from things. But, with wedding planning taking up a lot of time, we ignored it. Until we found out about John's grandmother being in the hospital, again...via Facebook. No phone call, no text. No nothing, just a post on Facebook, asking for prayers.

So while the pastor was reciting the passage from 1 Corinthians all I could think about was that love was supposed to be kind. I wished I could have stood up and shouted at John's parents, his brother and family and his sister. Love is kind. It's not supposed to hurt. They don't have to love me, but don't they realize what their indifference has done to their son, to their brother. It's not supposed to keep score. Yes, I've screwed up. I'm not perfect. But then again, I keep forgiving them, I keep turning the other cheek, I keep trying to be patient and kind. I often feel that I fail. Here lately they have certainly added to my own self esteem and self image issues. I'm critical enough of myself, I certainly don't need them worming into my head.

Love is patient.

Granted, no one is not going to get mad at someone that they care about. I love John, but every now and then he gets on my very last nerve and I get angry and say things that I shouldn't, and that I honestly don't mean. Yet, I often keep my mouth shut for a while and wait until I'm way past the boiling point, and all the little frustrations come spewing out too. It's not perfect, but it's who I am. Yet John is patient, he lets me vent my frustration, often at his expense, and then he wants to love me. Which, to a certain extent really annoys me. I want to be mad at him and he wants to hold me and tell me how much he loves me. Which is a total mad killer, just in case you were curious. Yet, at the same time I know that he still loves me, even if I did just threaten to beat him to death with the bag of trash.

I'll admit I've acted with less than patient intentions towards John's family. I've screwed up with them too, but to a certain extent, I feel like they want to hold that against me. John's brother's wife isn't willing to forgive. She isn't willing to sit down and at least tell me what we did wrong. She's made up her mind and she isn't willing to move forward. I'd like to tattoo the verse "it keeps no records of wrongs" on her forehead. Wonder if she would notice that?

There are big plans for our future. Plans that I'm not yet willing to post for the whole wide world to see. Mostly because I'm not 100% ready to take that step off the cliff into the unknown. These plans, will change our life. They are going to harbor moments of pure terror, heartache, joy, happiness, and love. They are big enough moments that we have told only a select few people who are important to us, because we simply are terrified. We want to be sure. Plus, after a few conversations with John, I think that we want to see what the future holds with my inlaws. They will play a small part in our future plans, and we need to be prepared for them to play there part and things go back to normal, or for our relationship to change completely.

Love never fails.

Sometimes Different is Just Different

I'm 7 days into my no school vacation. 12 more days until Summer school begins. It's not nearly enough of a break. But, I refuse to spend the next 12 days whining, at least here about school. Well, I'll try not to whine much.

I had big plans this semester. I wanted to be able to have a life and go to school and work. I swear I keep finding out more ways that this whole process doesn't work than it does. I can't seem to find a groove where I don't feel like I'm giving something up or missing out on something, yet as time continues to march forward, I honestly don't can't remember what I'm fighting for or towards.

This year has been full of suck. If I thought last year was bad, this year makes last year look like a year long vacation at the beach. Perfect weather, no sunburns, my body clad in a bikini and no one puking. Perfect. This year...words cannot even begin to describe the level of suck.

Yet, I can't seem to make myself wish for something different. I can't seem to see myself anywhere else, other than where I am. I can't believe that I would give up the Saturday cookie runs with my sweet friend, who this year was diagnosed with cancer. I can't imagine giving up my Friday nights cooking goodies to share with her and her sweet family. I can't imagine a world where my in-laws were totally awesome. Yet, I've got to the point that I actually prefer their indifference. No more guilt about spending time with my family, and less rubbing in how perfect everyone else is to John and I. My grades aren't what I would like for them to be, yet, I can't imagine giving up more than I feel like I already have to make them completely awesome. Although, I'm quite sure if I would cut the cord to Facebook, I would be fine. It's a great time waster for college students who want to avoid homework. I stalk people I don't even know, and probably wouldn't even like in real life so I can avoid homework. Yet, I can't imagine giving up school, even though most days it feels like it will be a lifetime before I graduate.

So, yeah, I would like things to be different. I would like John's cousin's wife to have not ended her own life. I would like my friend to be well so we could enjoy our hot sauce dates and movie nights. I would like to be finished with school. I'd like my grandfather to be able to sit at my college graduation and watch me get my diploma. Yet, all of the things I would like different, I would miss out on the thought provoking conversations that I've had on a random cookie run. Conversations that, even though she doesn't realize the impact they have had, has caused us to completely change our plans for the future. They have caused us to have conversations and rethink things that we were unsure of before.

If this year has taught me anything it's that sometimes different is just different. It's not any better or any worse than the what's happening in my little world right now, it's just different. So, I guess the saying about if all of the worlds problems were in a pile and you could see what all was going on in other people's lives, you would gladly take your own problems back. Besides, sometimes those problems end up being a blessing, and who can complain about that?