Thursday, March 28, 2013

Lost........and Not Yet Found

Part of me wants to find it hard to believe that it's been so long since I visited this space. The other part of me knows that it's been a lifetime.

I'd love to tell you that it's been because school is kicking my butt and taking my name. I'd love to tell you that I've won the lottery and I'm out spending my riches. I'd love to tell you that there was a way to justify my absence.

But there's not.

What I'm about to write is very hard. I'm about to admit things that I haven't admitted to my husband (Hi honey!), I haven't even admitted most of them to myself. Since this is the one place I've always been able to pour out my heart, I figured that maybe I'd find my answers by pouring it all out.

To say that there haven't been moments in the last few years where life has knocked me down would be an understatement. It seems that the older I get the more "goodbyes" there are in my life. It's never easy, but when it's people who mattered, who meant something to me, who made a difference in my life, it's even harder. Last December, I lost a good friend and following the 3 month battle with doctors about my gallbladder issues, I was worn out. The semester ended, and with my first F ever under my belt, I dreaded school in January.

I still was feeling pretty worn out and generally down in the dumps over the loss of Andrea, and apparently my lost motivation for school when the current semester commenced in late January. And that "life is kicking my butt" mentality has brought me here. There are so many things that have made me unhappy lately. School, work, my parents, my in-laws, and I could keep going, but I won't.

I'm quite sure that I hit rock bottom the end of February. I wanted to quit school (I still do, but more later), I wanted to quit my job (I still do), and I wanted to beg my husband to move, or I wanted to move without him. I just wanted my sanity back. My life back. Preferably on my terms.

Then, my sister in law got pregnant.

Apparently I should have been more specific about my terms.

And that was the night I fell apart.

John went to bed, and I peeked in our room to make sure he was asleep, and then I proceeded to sit in the living room, curled up in a chair and sob. I knew that she and her husband weren't taking preventative measures, and I knew that it would break my heart. I just didn't realize how much. That was the first night in a long, long time that my prayers were dark. I prayed and hoped for things to be different when I woke up the next morning. As tears silently ran down my cheeks, I prayed and I begged and I pleaded to wake up to the life I had always wanted, instead of the one I had.

I probably should have gone to the doctor - and trust me, I intend to mention everything when I go next month. As I'm quite sure the words "clinical depression" belong on my chart somewhere. I went to the store the next day, and stocked up on vitamins and I've spent the last month trying not to go back to those dark thoughts. I've spent the last month trying to be found.

Then, yesterday, a trip to the bank, led me to walk upstairs and see an old friend. One whom I worked with on my first job and adored. She asked me, "Are you looking for a job?" "We're looking for a full time person, and with your experience, you'd be perfect."

I'm quite sure I bombed an exam not an hour earlier, and school being in the dog house with me at the moment made me wonder if I shouldn't give up. If it just wasn't meant to be. If this isn't God just showing me my options since I'm miserable.

I'm quite sure that these are the roads that Robert Frost talked about. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both..." I thought maybe I could cut my hours to part-time at school and just finish my degree at night and take the job. So with more hope than I'd felt in weeks, I got to work and quickly scoured the schedules for the summer and fall, to see which classes would be offered after 5pm so that I could attempt to do both.

Summer 1 - Nothing.

Summer 11 - 6pm - 8:30 Monday through Thursday. Perfect.

Fall 2013 - My heart sank as I scrolled through each class I was planning on taking. The lightness in my heart, that I hadn't had in months, completely disappeared as I saw scrolled to the bottom of the page, hoping for one class after 5pm. Nothing.

So I posted on Facebook about why did life have to be so complicated? Which road did I pick? Which road would get me what I wanted? One has me giving up on a dream and the other makes me happy now. Which would be the best choice? What will make me happy now and later? What do I give up?  A job that I was once good at and that I loved? Or the dream job I want to have and what I do now, which I also love? There's no easy answer, and no matter what road I choose, I have to give up something.

With the dark place that my head and my heart have been for the last few months, it's hard to make a choice. It's hard to know what to do, other than pick the choice that will completely change my life. Then an innocent text from my mother in law last night asking if I was quitting school, and a short explanation of the situation gave me "I hope everything works out for you." My heart sank. Again.

Can't she offer advice? Or to pray? Or something, other than a remark that made me think "what a bitch witch". With where my head and heart have been the last few months, that just made this weight on my shoulders so much worse. So much harder. So today, I've prayed. And I've tried not to let my head over-ride my heart and vice versa. Because they aren't exactly on the same page, I'm not even sure that they are in the same book.

"Two roads diverged into a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference."

I hope the road I'm leaning towards, and I'm gazing down and I'm hoping for that happy ending is the right road. I'm hoping that I can walk down it and find the happy girl inside of me once again.

I hope that my heart and my soul can take whatever scary things and big boulders that are on that road. I hope that I'm found.

1 comment:


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...