In Like a Lamb...Out Like a Lion?

Arg. Le sigh.

After Gertie the gallbladder, ended last semester with a bang, I wanted to finish my college career without any more "bangs". Apparently I didn't send that memo to the right person.

Saturday night I'm quite sure I had a puke on the side of the road experience that even drunk college students would be jealous of.

My husband had a Meat & Greet (yep spelled it that way on purpose) with his bosses and co-workers on Saturday night. I was excited to have a night away and some amazing Cagle's BBQ for dinner. So we were partying the night away. After dinner, I started feeling icky, but after an early appointment the middle of the week for some antidepressants (yep, I caved), I figured that it was the new meds. As they had already caused some other symptoms. So I wasn't too concerned, I just preferred not to barf on my husband's boss. Thankfully things ended and we left before I got sick. I told my husband that I wasn't feeling well, but he had been drinking, and I drove us home. The closer that we got to home, the more I was concerned about actually making it home before I had to hurl. I was doing the whole, breathe in, breathe out thing, and I was almost there. We turned onto our street, and I took another deep breath, and ... well, I'll spare you the details. But let's just say that down the street from us was a pile of vomit in the middle of the street. Because I was driving, I sorta used my shirt to ...um...catch the stuff while I could pull over.

So here I am, standing in the street in jeans, flip flops, and a shirt, covered in barf. Not wanting to get back into my less than year old car covered in puke, I took my shirt off, and did what any self respecting 33 year old would do. I left it in the street.

Yep. I abandoned my shirt in front of a complete stranger's house. I never really liked that shirt anyway. So it wasn't that big of a loss. My husband was kinda impressed that I got naked in the middle of the street though. I was impressed that I managed to drive 3 more blocks to our house and not puke, or get puke on anything else.

I've got a nasty bacterial intestinal infection called c diff. So, no school, no work for a couple of weeks, because I'm contagious. They don't want me to start an epidemic  They are totally no fun at all. Everyone should experience uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea at least once in their life. I mean, where is there sense of adventure?

Tonight, I read an email from my advisor, because I'm trying to figure out how this semester is going to work itself out and I learn that my professors don't have to work with me. I'm sick. I'm staying home trying to get better, trying to make this work and turn in stuff via email and salvage some of my GPA for this semester, when I learn that it's up to the professors discretion. They can fail me for being sick and following doctor's orders and avoiding the faculty and staff. Even employees are protected by employment laws, but as a student, I apparently have no rights. They won't trust my doctors notes and information that I'm sick. That I'm actually protecting them. Isn't that awesome?

It seems like this week has dealt us a lot of blows. I'm getting limited funds for school for the fall and spring semester. Now I could be facing another F on my GPA. I worked my ass off this semester to attempt to make up for the F I got last semester, and now...well apparently, because I got infected from someone else with c diff, I'm stuck at home paying for their sins. Heck, they might have just been a desperate college student trying to avoid failing their semester, like I am.

Some days, I just would like things to work out for us, and not make things so difficult. Le sigh.

2012

This year has been....a year.

I've joked with John all year long that the catastrophic events of this year were all his fault. He was the one who said that 2011 was the year that all years would be compared against as far as the level of suck was concerned. John lost both of his grandfathers that year, and we had a huge falling out with his brother, sister, parents, and remaining grandmother. He was quite sure it couldn't get worse. However, before February was even over with, God decided to take his challenge and make sure that those were not words that John will ever utter again, especially if he wanted to live and do well with me.

January:
John lost his job. We found out that my niece and possibly my nephew were being sexually abused by their father. He was arrested. My sister-from-another-mother and good friend Andrea was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

February:
Andrea went to Houston because her colon was so messed up none of the local doctors would even touch her or begin treatments of the cancer. John's cousin's wife committed suicide.

March:
Andrea was still in Houston. My dad was hospitalized for what we thought was pneumonia. He ended up having both strains of the flu as well as pneumonia. He was so deprived of oxygen and sick that he ended up being put on a ventilator for 4 days. They were concerned  that because of the lack of oxygen because of how sick he was that he might have suffered brain damage. Fortunately, his brain was only as damaged as it was before all of this.

April:
One year since Grandpa passed away. One year since all of the fallout with the family began.

May:
Finals. Need I say more.

June:
Summer school - thankfully this month wasn't so bad, and we were thinking that the year was looking up.

July:
Just trucked along

August:
School. Hate most of my professors. Liked the classes. Hated the professors. Arg.

September:
Andrea's colon ruptures. She spent a week on a ventilator. Worried that she might not make it out of the hospital. But thankfully she rallied, and went home. She spent almost the entire month in the hospital. Her husband suckers my husband into going to the lease. Thankfully no dead animal adorns my walls..yet. I discover that something isn't right with my innards. Go to ER the day after my 33rd birthday. Told to go home and take the narcotic pain meds. Tried that, but didn't remember going to school and a variety of other things, so just took thousands of ibuprofen trying to survive the worst of it.

October:
Felt so bad that I don't remember anything, other than trying to make it to class and to work. Pretty much quit cooking and cleaning completely. Basically didn't study much either. Just felt so, so bad.

November:
Finally got the referral to the specialist. Had actual surgery to remove very, very sick gallbladder the week before Thanksgiving. Felt some relief for the first time in months. Then the joys of a body adjusting to no gallbladder.

December:
Finals. Failed my first class. Probably because I shouldn't take a final the same day that I had to say goodbye to my sister-from-another-mother. December 6th, Andrea went home. There's a post in there somewhere about her. But I just can't write it yet. I barely could type those words without breaking down into tears. Stressed about followup with gastro, because the pain was back. Thankfully gastro thinks it's just my body adjusting.


Sure, there have been some high points, and some of the issues, like John losing his job, actually have turned out to be a blessing. And well, some of them, like losing Andrea just suck. So while most of this year was events that I could have done without, like the gallbladder epidemic, I don't know that I would change any of it. Even Andrea. As much as that breaks my heart to say, I think that her being a part of my life served a purpose, and I think that losing her will serve a purpose too. Even though I'm not sure what it could possibly be at this point. She did teach me a great amount about forgiveness, faith and believing in myself. But that's another post entirely.

So, my request for 2013 - Lord, give me the strength to make it through whatever it is that you throw at us this year. Help me to have more patience during those moments of insanity and suck, and help us find peace, not matter what the situation. And if you could help out with my GPA, I'd be eternally grateful.

Online Classrooms and Ashford University (Sponsored Post)

Education is a topic that's very near and dear to my heart. You know, since I'm currently enrolled and all. Even though I took the non-traditional approach and didn't go back to college until I was 30 years old, it's a choice that I haven't regretted for a single moment. (Although, I would kindly appreciate someone pointing this out to me in a few weeks, when I'm in what I like to refer to as "The Homework Slave System").

Going back to college has opened the door to a whole list of possibilities. Not only career wise, but personally wise too. I don't do well in front of large groups of people, and college definitely forces you to learn how to talk to other people, especially if your interested in making good grades and passing your classes.The whole experience has forced me to do things that are out of my comfort zone on a daily basis. I've found myself forced to think in ways that I wouldn't have done otherwise. College has opened me up to a type of innocence by young adults who haven't had to face infertility, crazy in-laws, job loss and the other learning experiences that come with age.

When I began pursuing my options for returning to school, part of my desire to return was to be able to graduate and find a job that I love, not just one that pays the bills. I want to be excited about going to work each and every single day, instead of spending 8 hours wishing I was somewhere else. An online education opportunity, just like Ashford University paved the way for me to have that chance.

What's unique about Ashford University is that they provide extensive options for adults, like myself to go back to college and get a degree while still having the time to work a full time job and raise a family. Let's face it, technology advances so much each and every year that universities that aren't offering classes online being left in the dust, and because Ashford offers a program that you work into your schedule instead of working around, they are giving adults the opportunity to get the education that they have always wanted, that they have always dreamed of.

Even if you aren't interested in going back to college, watch the brief video. If nothing else, it will inspire you to see how the future is changing for many adults, and even fresh out of high school people too. Life works out in strange ways, because college at 30 sure wasn't on my to-do list. I figured that college would always be something I would do 'one day', a pipe dream.  Yet today, that dream is very much a part of my reality.

I spent 18 months at another online university earning my Associates degree, and I loved the online experience, and frankly if Ashford had been around back then, I would have definitely chosen their program! It's truly a wonderful option for someone who wants flexibility and a full time job while going to school.

Online classrooms are the way of the future. The technology at Ashford University is moving towards the future by allowing adults to realize their dreams and finally have an option that allows them to follow through. Online classrooms gave me the confidence to continue my education and helped to ensure that I could be successful both inside the classroom and outside as well.

If you had the chance to do something that you knew you couldn't fail at, would you try it?

What are you waiting for?



Disclaimer: This post has been sponsored by Ashford University, but all thoughts and opinions are completely my own.

Deciding it's a Gift and not a Burden

Our pastor at church is in the midst of a unique series called "Servolution". It's about learning to, and giving us opportunities to serve others. Part of what started this whole thing is a lemonade stand that our church family will be running during the South Plains Fair.

This past weekend, Pastor B discussed how to find your spiritual gifts. My husband elbowed me several times during some of the options.

Yet, as I sat there, my mind wondered, about what my gifts were.

See, I always wanted to do something that made a difference. Apparently I should have been more specific, and I've definitely picked the wrong major if I wanted a career that made a difference. Although, I did pick my career based on something that I love to do, that I enjoy, which makes me excited to sit through millions of hours of classes each semester. Can crazy be a gift?

So as Pastor B talked, I wondered what I'm good at.

I'm a nurturer by nature. I like to do things for other people. My friend Andrea that was diagnosed with cancer this year can agree to that. I've shared the wealth more often than not, that she probably gets tired of the text messages involving care packages for dinner, breakfast, and dessert. Although, I totally love sharing. It's nice to make a cake, and have someone enjoy the other half of it, instead of the creatures that roam the dumpster in the dead of night. I'd rather not think about those creatures, because they have beady little eyes, full of evil, and long twitchy tails, and they are just roaming the streets looking for tasty morsels.

Fabulous, now I'm not going to want to let my dogs out when it's dark tonight. Fan-freaking-tastic.

I like to listen to people talk. Not necessarily joining in, but just listening and observing. You learn a lot about people that way. Another of my friends, wiggles her hands when she is discussing something she would rather not be talking about. She rubs on her fingernails, and constantly moves her fingers. My husband, avoids eye contact. He looks down when he would rather not have the conversation with you or even glancing away while talking to you. My mother-in-law likes to dictate the flow of conversation. She likes the subject to change when she has nothing else to say about it, not necessarily when the rest of the group is ready to move on. So it makes me observant, and when something interests me in the conversation, I add to it. Or manage to say something that pisses someone off, depends on who's around and how much sarcasm I used. Super powers shouldn't get you in so much trouble, should they?

Back to Servolution. They were asking for volunteers, and frankly I miss church when we don't go. I never regret it. In fact, I have this amazing analogy that will probably have me skinned for making on my blog.

Church is like sex. Once I get there, I wonder why we don't go more often. Or why we don't have sex more often. Not while we are at church, but just in general. My husband goes to bed at 6pm. I have homework. You do the math. It's not easy to do either, but it's always worth it in the end.

 

Sorry John. Aunt D. My old youth minister's wife. Mom. Dad. Andrea.

 

 So volunteers. Well, they have this bible study at TTU on Thursday nights. So I thought, you know, maybe if I got to know some of the losers, underage hooligans, babies, youngins, fellow students, I might not feel like I'm all that much older than them. So because I had procrastinated, because let's face it, I'm not a people person. I don't like talking in front of crowds, or in front of small groups either. I don't like being put on the spot, even with people I know. So I hadn't emailed the guy in charge and told him that I would offer up my services. Just couldn't do it. So my husband drug me, by my hair, kicking and screaming to meet with the guy after church.

 

Here's how much I'm not a "people - person".

 

"Hi, I'm Abby Normal, and you don't know me, but I'm fantastic and you should."

 

Yep, totally said that. Still not sure why, but I was nervous, and I say goofy stuff. And that was just talking to him with no one but my husband as a witness. So I spewed out that I went back to school, blah blah blah, did he need help on Thursdays. All the while, praying he would say no. So apparently, the 30th, I'm serving pizza and bottles of water to college students, and trying not to vomit or say something goofy. It's going to be interesting to say the least. Will I regret doing it, probably not. But for the next 3 years, because that's probably how long it will take for me not to want to hurl before I walk in the door, I'll do it. Because, believe it or not, part of me would like to step out of my comfort zone.

 

The other part of me, well, she would like to find something that makes a difference. Not necessarily so that I can feel good about what I'm doing for someone else, but so that I can feel good about who I am again. Because somewhere along the way, I've lost that girl who wasn't afraid to take on the world. I've lost the girl who wanted her life to matter, not to someone else, but to myself. I'd like to find her, before I get older and have any regrets about what I could have done, if I'd only been less selfish, and less afraid of talking to strangers.

My mom should be so proud, apparently she nailed the "don't talk to strangers" lesson, since it still works on a 25, 29, 30, 32 year old.

Time Flies

One summer, I remember being particularly bored and actually ready for school to begin again (don't judge, I get excited about school supplies too) and was whining to whoever was within ear shot about how bored I was and how slowly time was moving.
My grandfather, whom I adored, informed me that a week to me was a year to him. As an 8ish year old, it wasn't really a profound statement, although I remember my mom standing nearby and being in complete disbelief, and amazingly so agreement. I thought they were both crazy. Now I know why. Well, I don't know why they were crazy, I'm not sure a psychologist could even answer that question, but I understand the disbelief.

*It's hard to believe I've been at TTU for almost 2 years. I'll finish my second year and 5th (thanks to summer school) semester in December.

*I'll be 33 in September.

*John and I will celebrate our 13th Anniversary in December.

*The puppy that John gave me for my birthday, just before our 2nd anniversary, will be 11 years old this year.

*My other furry baby will be 10.

*My grandfather has been gone for 8 years this October. He would be 90 on Halloween.

*My grandmother 6 in January. She would be 82 in October.

*They would have been married 64 years this year.

*My niece will turn 12 in August. I remember when she was just a toddler with little blonde ringlets.

*Her brother turned 9 last month. I remember when he was born.

* I remember my stepsister telling everyone else that she was pregnant, but avoided telling me because she knew how devastated I would be, because at the time John and I were pursuing infertility treatments to have our own child. I remember tears running down my checks when she finally called and told me that she was having a baby in just 3 short months. I sat in the floor of our bedroom and cried when we hung up.

*I remember the day that John and I agreed that we couldn't keep doing treatments. It was only yesterday, but actually it was 6 years ago.

*I've been at the same job, since we moved for 4 years last month.

*My 15 year high school reunion is next year.

*I remember when I had to by hair dye because my husband informed me that I had several gray hair patches. That was last week, his funeral will be soon...I just have to find him first.

It's funny how the older we get our perceptions and our perspectives change. I have an amazing friend (who I'm quite sure we are sisters and were separated at birth, because she is the only other person I have found who doesn't like the milk after cereal has contaminated it, along with a variety of other freaky similarities) who is currently fighting cancer. Her oldest child, who is absolutely adorable and brilliant (no, I'm not biased), was born 2 months early. Her perception of time is probably vastly different than mine. Although I'm sure that there are moments that time passes us both by faster and slower than we would like it too, yet, we both grasp that it's moving way to quickly when it comes to the grand scheme of things.

There are plans and choices that we are making in our life right now that have a expiration date on them. Once we begin in order to reach our desired end result, we have to commit to spending 2 years on the process. Right now that seems like a dreadful length of time to wait, especially for something as special as the end result would be to both of us. Yet, there are other things going on in my life that I want to give a chance too as well (I would elaborate more, but we are avoiding all parents, family, friends, and people who actually know us, so that we can be completely happy with this choice and have no regrets later on down the road to elaborate now), so that a prior option that wasn't an option might actually be an option.

And if you understood any of that you deserve some sort of medal. Because I wrote it, I knew what I was talking about and I don't understand any of it. You're Welcome.

My point (which was lost about 3 paragraphs ago), was how time keeps ticking away whether we want it to or not. And my grandfather, he was right. When your waiting for something big, 2 years will seem like a lifetime, yet when your just trucking along trying to finish college, 2 years will seem like yesterday.

So the question remains, what will you regret in a year that you didn't start doing today?

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Wanted: Personal Assistant

Job Duties: Approximately 4 loads of laundry per week; this includes gathering, washing, folding and putting away. Cleaning 1 bathroom. Cleaning of 1 smallish kitchen. Dusting. Vacuuming as well as mopping of said bathroom and kitchen. You must also have a job that currently pays you at least $200,000 per year that you contribute to our GDP. You must cook meals that I preapprove of. You must do all grocery shopping, using extreme couponing methods (gotta save money). If I don't feel like sitting through a class today, you should also be able to go in my absence. You should also always know all the material well enough to take exams and pass them with a minimum grade of a B. At night, when I've had a really hard day I would appreciate a massage and a hot bath. You should be flexible enough to be available to meet my every need, even if that need occurs at 2am and again at 4am.

Would like someone who doesn't mind watching Friends, CSI, Army Wives, and The Food Network. Must love dogs and be willing to housebreak any new additions to our family.

Cat and other rodent owners need not apply.

Please send your resume and references to my email. We have a smallish room that has a spare chair that will be your sleeping quarters (it also doubles as my office) but I will be courteous enough to try to not study while you sleep.

Thank you.

Reading

I like to read. Ok, let me rephrase that I like to read trashy romance novels, murder, suspense, and a variety of other books. I don't like to read about history, I did that in high school. I don't like to read about President McKinley's murder, even though it does involve murder, it also involves politics, which I'm not a fan of.

And just for the record, I'm not to crazy about marketing and managerial accounting either.

So tonight, while I sleep I'm going to dream that all of this stuff comes to life and transforms itself into romance, or murder (without the politics). Because accounting hooking up with marketing at a tropical locale sounds so much more appealing to read. Pssst...look for the surprise ex lover, the balance sheet, showing up trying to thwart romance attempts.

Stay tuned for news tomorrow about my totally awesome digital giveaway. Details on Thursday!!

Letting Go

After yesterdays long, drawn out, soul bearing post your probably afraid to read this one.

Fear not. I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I can be. Which is probably not near any normal according to standard industry ratings.

Yesterday was just one of those days when I needed to whine. And when I needed a good butt chewing apparently.

You know that phrase, can't see the forest for the trees. Well, that was me yesterday. I saw the bad everywhere. I saw the worst in myself everywhere, and when you only see the bad, your attitude and everything else just plain sucks. Including your outlook on life in general.

My good friend, who I'm pretty sure is actually my sister and we were just separated at birth, sent me a message about my little post yesterday. She gave me a good butt chewing, and a big dose of perspective. So I guess the 2 tons of pressure that I was feeling yesterday, that I seem to have lost today, I can thank her for.

I have to learn to let go. I've had to learn how to let go of cooking dinner and doing laundry and cleaning, at least the majority of the time, simply because I can't do everything and go to school at the same time. I have to set priorities, I have to manage my time wisely if I want to have enough time to study and do everything else. So I had to learn how to let go of that stuff, and I had to learn to deal with the guilt that I feel when I watch my husband dust and vacuum so that I can study. I've had to learn how to handle that the best way that I can. Which, I'll admit I don't always do. I remember laying in bed one night last semester crying because of the guilt that I felt that I couldn't do everything. After some reassurance from my husband that no, in fact, he didn't resent me for making him chase dust bunnies and wreck spider homes, I felt much better.

My first semester left me feeling like I could conquer the world, and last semester left me wondering if I had lost my mind, and everything else along the way. Those grades hurt. They hurt to admit, and I felt like everyone was just telling me that they were ok, and that they were secretly thinking what a moron I was. When realistically, because all of my friends are old, they don't really care, as long as I pass, so that I can graduate and move back out of the college life and into the middle aged life.

I realize that all of the cliches of "Finding yourself" and all of that go along with college. You learn how to do laundry and be an adult without mommy and daddy looking over your shoulder and guarding your every move. Yet, since I've been there, done that, maybe college will be about me learning to let go. Maybe its not about me finding myself, but about finding out who I'm not and who I don't want to be for the rest of my life. Maybe it's about learning to let go.

I know that my feeling sorry for myself has affected my blogging ability. I actually have a bunch of posts that I wrote, and that were supposed to publish, but for whatever reason blogger saw fit to ignore my advance scheduling. Maybe because I needed that post yesterday more than I realized.

There are exciting things coming. I was approached by a digital scrapbooking company (more details next week) about hosting a giveaway (which will be coming up week after next). I'm looking for a couple other giveaways for the next year. Stick around, things just might get interesting.

A Beginning

When I started writing this post today, I promised myself that no matter how much I didn't want to, when I was done that I would actually print publish, instead of adding it to the rather large collection of drafts that I seem to have acquired in the last few weeks. This post is probably going to require that you pack a lunch, and make a day out of it. Just so you know.

Where do I begin?

That's a really good question. One that I don't have the answer to. I used to think I did, but now, well now I'm not so sure.

Today, well let's face it, assuming we are being honest here, for a long time I've been...well for lack of a better term; lost. And miserable.

Sure, (just so my husband and parents don't panic) there have been times where there has been contentment, happiness, pure, unadulterated joy, but those moments, they are so rare anymore that it's hard to see them at the moment, it's days later that I realize how perfect those moments were. About how at that particular moment everything clicked, everything fit. Everything was perfect.

Some days I hate that I have that Type A personality. That everything has to be perfect. I honestly wish I could be more go with the flow. That things like C's and burnt chicken didn't hurt me. Because realistically, who cries over C's. Most people are happy to pass and move on. I'm happy to pass, but those C's just made me feel like a failure. Like I was less, and add that to everything else, it's been down right hard to get enthusiastic about a whole new set of classes that start tomorrow. For the first time in my life, I'm not excited about school. In fact, I dread tomorrow with the same amount of passion as I do/did with having to go to funerals, memorial services of the people that I love.

I guess, since my posting has been sporadic, this post is going to be too. Sorry.

I'm so unhappy with so many areas of my life, that some days, it's all I can do to go to work and come home and fix dinner without bursting into tears a half a dozen times. And right now, I feel so powerless to do anything about it.

I've also discovered that there are things that are annoying me worse than I thought that they were. Like the issues with my inlaws. As much as I hate to admit it, even to myself, it bothers me more than I wanted to realize. I have slowly allowed it, along with other issues to eat away at my self-esteem and my self-worth. I realized that a few days ago. See, I'm the peacemaker, when everybody is pissed off at each other, it's usually me that jumps in and tries to smooth the ruffled feathers and get everyone back to being happy again. I can't do that this time. Simply because those involved see me as part of the problem...probably won't see me as the solution if I try to "fix" things like I always have. Plus it's hard knowing that the grandmother-in-law that loved you and cared for you, can also turn against you when it suits her purposes. This is one of those things that I can't fix, and letting go of that has been nearly impossible, but I realized that I'm going to have to let it go if I want to reclaim my life, and myself in the process.

I was sick the week before Christmas. Thanks to the stomach cramps that were purely the devil at work, and barfing up some of the foulest smelling stuff possible, a trip to the doctor was prompted, because I didn't want my gallbladder or any other internal organ to be planing it's untimely escape and me be oblivious. I felt so bad that I even called in sick to work. For the 2nd time in 3 years. (The first time being when I was in the hospital for the equivalent of dysentery.)

:sigh: I can't believe I'm about to put this out there on the internet for all the world to see. It's no surprise to the people who know me and read this blog, but to the rest of the world, it might be or then again maybe not. I'm overweight. Not just pleasantly plump, but if I were to be at the top of my healthy weight range, I would have lost a person. Like a 154ish pound person. It just hurts my heart to type that out. Anyway, back to the doctor. She ordered blood work to make sure that there weren't any other problems as well as checking insulin, glucose, and cholesterol. I'm pleased with the cholesterol numbers, some of the categories weren't were they should be, but it's a big improvement over where they were when she first did that blood work a few years ago. My good cholesterol was through the roof (once again, my theory that the low fat/preservatives stuff played an issue might actually have some truth here). However, my insulin was too high. 22 and it needs to be 20 or less. It's not a big concern, and it's not even considered pre-diabetic. But it was definitely a wake-up call. One that I didn't care to get. But apparently I needed a health scare to get my head wrapped around the fact that loosing weight was no longer my choice. It wasn't a should anymore, it was now a must.

sucky grades of last semester and WHAM! (Insert failure here).

School. Like I said previously, I dread tomorrow. I can't find a single shred of excitement. Just dread. Lots and lots of dread. See, even though no one else thinks so, I failed last semester. My first semester was hard, it was tons of work, there were tears, there were lots of days of constant work and where I was pretty sure I was going to drown. But I pulled it all out with A's and B's. Made the dean's list. Then my girlfriend tells me that it's not a big deal, she did it too. No body cared. Then last semester, oh my goodness. Last semester. I hated my classes, I hated my professors. I hated with a passion. So my grades suffered because I was unhappy. Hopefully I didn't make that mistake this semester too. I'm taking classes that I was excited about when I signed up for them. Sure, there's a few, like statistics that I'm not looking forward too. It's math, it's hard to get excited about math. But the accounting, marketing, science and history classes I was actually looking forward to them.

Yet right now, I can't get that giant F off of my forehead. No, not for Freak, but for Failure. Those 3 C's are just eating away at me. I don't get C's. Period. I've only gotten C's in math classes, and that was always okay. I got C's in regular classes too. Spanish, Economics, and Business Calculus. But those 3 C's make me want to curl up into a ball in a corner and cry and not come out for 20 or 30 years. It makes me want to think, "you can't do this" "you are such an idiot" "who are you kidding" "you won't ever finish" "your just going to be a failure". Some days I succeed in telling that little voice to jump off a cliff, and other days, well, other days that little voice wins. And it takes another chunk of my self worth with it.

So where does that leave me?

Exactly where I am. I have convinced myself that I can do nothing right. I can't write, so why even attempt to write blog posts. Why even participate in 5 Question Friday, when I can't write, when I'm not really funny. I am so sure that I have annoyed some good friends of ours, who in a few short months have became more like family than friends. I'm so sure that I will never be able to lose weight that I'm just destined to be fat forever. I'm so sure that I'm going to fail all my classes. And I'm so sure that when I do, all these people are going to line up and tell me "I told you so".

And no, this isn't a ploy for the few people who still pop in and read my blog from time to time to give me some props about how great I am. Because let's face it, the posts that I wrote a year ago were a whole lot better than the garbage I've attempted to do over the last year. Those posts meant something, the posts now, not so much.

This was and is about being honest, with myself and with the few people who still pop in and read from time to time. It's about trying to dig out of this hole I have dug myself into. It's about trying to find me again, and not just the shell of the person I used to be. It's about trying to make peace with my life and move forward and rebuild the life I want and not look back in 6 months and think that I should have tried harder, like I seem to find myself doing constantly for the last year. I say that a lot to myself. I should have. I would really like to change that into I am or better yet, I did.

To the family and friends that will read this: I promise, I'm okay. I'm not crazy, I'm not contemplating suicide or anything wonky like that. I talked to the doctor about it when I went to see her 3 weeks ago. She said that it's a lot of things, but she doesn't think it's depression or anything like that. Frankly I don't either. I just think that the last year has held so many changes, so many things that are out of my control that I'm trying to find myself and my footing and let's face it my self worth and confidence again.

I'm not sure where that leaves me. Other than in need of a good couch and a crazy doctor. Okay, probably not really, but still. You never know. I realize that I always put me on the back burner. I typically take care of everyone else, and leave me for last, but that's just me. I just didn't realize that I've been doing it for so long that I've let myself take a back seat that I now think of myself as being less important than they are. Don't get my wrong, I still intend to take care of the people in my life that need to be taken care of, but at the same time, I'm adding my name to that list too. I'm a priority too. And if I want to be treated like one, perhaps the first step is in making myself a priority too.

Opportunity of a Lifetime

So yesterday sometime a week or two ago (oops) you got the background story on the Dean's List.

Let me give you the story on the Congressional Internship that I was invited to participate in.

So I get this email from someone telling me about this internship in Washington, DC where you work with a member of congress for a semester as an intern.

It's a big deal, you live in a house with other interns from the same college and you all work on Capital Hill for a whole semester. How freaking cool is that?

Really cool.

It's so cool that I debated, and I wondered and I tried to imagine what kind of opportunities would be opened up to me if I were to apply and be selected. Because even though they sent me the email, I still had to apply and be accepted to get selected to go.

Then I prayed about it. Then I told my husband. Then I told everyone on facebook about it. And how I wasn't going.

What?!?!

It's the chance of a lifetime, it's the opportunity of a lifetime. Just not mine. Part of me would have liked to have gone, just for the experience. Plus to have lived in Washington DC for a semester, and played tourist on the weekends to all the fabulous places nearby, it would have been wonderful. It would have been breathtaking. But I couldn't imagine doing all of that stuff without John. I couldn't imagine giving up my life here, for a temporary life there. I couldn't imagine putting all my heart into it, when it wouldn't be.

It's the opportunity of a lifetime for someone else. Some other student at Tech has dreamed about this internship. They want it so bad that they can taste it. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to want something so badly, to have dreamed about it, to have planned your life around it, that when the opportunity slips through your fingers you wonder what just happened. Your entire existence is questioned, every plan, every dream, everything is suddenly very different than the life you wanted. It's hard having to pick up and move forward from that. It's hard to give up on something that you want that badly.

And deep down, when I had that realization, I knew that I couldn't take that dream away from someone else. I couldn't do it because it would be a good opportunity for me, but my heart just wasn't in it. I wanted to go for purely selfish reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with the actual internship. My heart wouldn't have been in the internship. Sure, I would have still worked my butt off, but it's different when your heart isn't in it. There's no passion, there's no joy, it's just mundane and routine. And life's to short to have given up 5 months of my life for something that my heart wasn't fully into, when there was another student whose heart is set on going.

It's the opportunity of a lifetime, just not mine.

Dean's List

So I'm only like a month late, but I've been busy, you know doing homework. Trying to make the Dean's List next semester, again and probably failing misreably.

So yeah, I totally made the Dean's List. Barely, but it still counts.

I was walking out of History of Rock and Roll when I got the email. I had made the Dean's List. My very first semester in college in 12 years.

I needed that. I earned that. But I still needed it.

This semester I have been bogged down. I'm still trying to deal with losing Papa, which hit me a lot harder than I anticipated. Plus I have October to deal with and that reminds me of the grandparents that celebrate birthday's this month, that I'm celebrating without them. And Christmas and with the past few months of family issues with the in-laws, this semester has been draining. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Last semester was draining too, but it was more a "I'm too old, too fat, too stupid, to be going to college". It was hard on someone who doesn't like doing things alone to, in fact learn how to do things alone. It was hard learning how to ask for help. It was awesome seeing the final grades, knowing that I had survived my first semester.

Yet this semester, I don't enjoy many of my classes. They aren't things that interest me, I don't like most of my instructors, and I find myself having a "I don't care attitude". So that reception, that honor, meant a lot to me. It proved to me that I can do anything I want to do. Anything. All I have to do is...do it.

So many of my friends made the Dean's list and blew off my accomplishment, as "no big deal". But to someone who hadn't stepped foot inside a classroom in 12 years, to someone who worked full time and went to college, it was a big deal. It is a big deal. And I earned it.

I went to the cheesy reception and all. I got my gorgeous certificate and I'm very proud of it, and the hard work it took to get there.

Hopefully it won't be my only cheesy reception. I'm hoping to be sitting in that seat next semester. So I probably better go hit the books.

Positive Thinking

A couple of weeks ago, I was misreable. My head felt like it was being squeezed in a vice, my sinuses felt like that were going to explode great big green goo, and my eyes, well, let's just say I know why chihuahua dogs eye balls stick out like that do. Blasted sinus pressure!

So I did what any rational adult does. I whined about it on facebook.

Because I'm lazy and I feel like I'm thisclose from death, I won't go back and find the exact quote, but here is the high points.

"Dear Sinus Infection, I'm really busy right now and can't handle any sickness. I'm free Oct. 8-11, Nov 23-27 and anytime after December 13th. Can we please work something out and reschedule? Thanks, your host."

I woke up the next morning feeling much better, which was great because I had a test a few days later and I didn't want it to be taken under the influence of sinus medication.

So my body didn't exactly get the details right, and waited until Sunday for the ickiness to start in. Asthma, runny nose, cough.

Oh great.

After a jog through the rain, and sitting in wet clothes for 2 hours, I figured I was kinda screwed, but still. How's that for coincidence. The weekend that I say I'm free to diseases, I'm actually sick.

So no more joking about rescheduling diseases and infections. Nope. Now, it's I won't ever be sick. I won't ever be sick. I won't ever be sick. Ok that's probably not realistic, so how about, I will be awesome tomorrow because I have class from 9am to 3:30pm. I will not be the sneezy, snotty, sore throat, cough infested person that I am today. I will be 100% better tomorrow.

How's that for positive thinking.

Send prayers too, just in case. And I'll take cold medicine too, because let's face it, I want to breathe today too.

The crazy in my head...and my life

The ship with all the free time on it...she sailed off. What a pain in the oar.

You can stop groaning now. It wasn't that cheesy. Ok. Maybe it was.

The homework boat has set up and she doesn't appear to be moving. I could use some dynamite. That might blow her out of the water. It also might blow my head up, so let's rethink that plan.

I'm busy. I'm covered up in homework, and I don't know what to write about. I don't want this blog to be all, school, school, homework, school...you get the point.

I sat down last night, when I should have been doing homework, and I re-read some of the posts that I wrote a year ago. I miss those posts. I miss that person. Maybe I'm still trying to compare myself to other blog writers and maybe I'm still telling myself that I don't measure up. Lord knows I do it often during all these classes. With all these babies. I feel way out of my league. They make me feel so...old.

My birthday is next week. A week from yesterday in fact. I'll be 32. It's September. Which is 3.5 months from Christmas and I haven't done any shopping yet. I'm usually almost done by now, and I haven't even started.

I think of all these awesome posts, and then I talk myself out of writing them. I have to quit doing that. I have to stop being so worried about what you think, about what the rest of the world things and only worry about what I think.

Sorry for the randomness. I can't sleep. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm annoyed. I'm questioning everything, like I always do around my birthday. I'm feeling sorry for myself, because let's face it, my life isn't the perfect little life I would like for it to be. So just bare with me while I try to figure it all out.

Tomorrow is Friday. And I promise to shed this depressed whiny self between now and Monday. Because I have a giveaway for you to get all excited about next week!!!

The post where I don't write a post

I'm tired.

I'm drowning in a sea of homework.

Spanish, calculus, rock and roll, economics, lab reports. They are all a blur in brightly colored notebooks and folders.

Como se llama? Do I want to see the llama? You want me to watch an entire movie in Spanish, when I can barely tell you my name and that I need to pee?

2+2 only equals 4 if and only if you can stand on your head while counting to 100 backwards.

Did I mention how tired I am?

GDP. GNP. IIP. PIP. WTH. WFD.

Blues, jazz, country, rock, I wasn't even alive in the 1800's. I don't even like rock and roll so why do I care where it originated from back in the 1800's. Just give me the easy A that this class was supposed to be so I can move on down the road.

I'm tired. I'm remembering the stuff I hated about school. I've lost that loving feeling. Now I'm getting the used and abused feeling. Now I understand why college students drink so much alcohol. It's the only way to keep your sanity.

Be thankful for the random posts. At least I'm still writing them, and at this point last semester I wasn't. Beggars can't be choosers. But I couldn't skip, or I will screw up my landing my 200th post on my birthday. And I'm so anal and crazy that just wouldn't work, and neither would coming up with 20 posts on the 20th either.

I'm going to go read about the history of rock and roll. And no, the class sucks thus far. And then I'm going to go practice writing in Spanish so I don't fail my writing assignment tomorrow. Think of me, and send me Spanish thoughts. Gracias.

*This moment of crazy brought to you by...me.

Things I have noticed (that I would rather not)

I have debated over the last few weeks, with school back in session if I am getting old or if people younger than me are just crazy. I think it's both. Here is a list of things I have noticed recently. These are in no particular order.

- Mi espanol professora. (She would be so proud.) (But then again probably not if she knew that's about all I know how to say.) We can call or text her until 3am. 3.A.M. At that time of night I like to have been sleeping for several hours by now. I would love to be able to get by on 4-5 hours of sleep and still be a happy, functional person. I'm not happy unless I'm in bed by 11. I'm not happy or functional without at least 7 hours, preferably more.

- Shorts. I wear boyshort underwear. There, I said it. Now you know what kind of panties are under my clothing...happy? They cover the butt cheeks. The shorts that I see most of the girls at school wearing barely do. You people would be appalled if I let all my cellulite, stretch marks, varicose veins and fat hang out like that. I'm appalled that you let your butt cheeks hang out. If you don't want to see mine, then the odds are very, very, very high, that I don't want to see yours either.

- Skinny Jeans + Boy = uh no. Don't do it. Skinny jeans and boy don't even belong in the same sentence. This is just...ew.

- Boys I don't want to see your "drawes". (Thank you, to the guy sitting behind me in math for correcting my pronunciation, I've always wanted to sound gangsta.) Your boxers, briefs, or lack there of is not something I want to see. If I wanted to see "drawes" I would unzip my pants, or my husbands and look at his.

- Gangsta. I'm almost 32 years old. I don't want to talk gangsta, I don't want to sound gangsta, I don't want to look gangsta. So, once again to the guy sitting behind in math, "let me borrow your stick" makes me want to hand you a tree branch, not a pencil.

- Why does everyone wait until Saturday to go to the grocery store? Go a different day. It's easier. That way I can still go on Saturday and beat the crowds. m'Kay? Thanks!

- I made a copy of my schedule and gave to my boss, my other boss, the shop foreman, the installation guy, and there is a copy on my desk. Yet they all still ask me what my hours are for the following day and if I can skip classes. I can skip anything if you pay me enough. I am not above bribes, but my lowest price starts with three zero's, before the decimal point. Hey, don't judge. When I graduate I'm going to owe tons in student loans, if those bribes will pay for my tuition so I don't have to rely on Uncle Sam, then by all means, bribe away.

- Does TTU funnel something into their buildings that makes you need to pee and thirsty all the time? Because I swear today alone I have had like a glass of milk, 2 bottles of water, a diet coke, a large iced tea, 2 more bottles of water and I'm working on #3 bottle of water as we speak. I feel like all I do is study, pee, and drink.

- Where are all the frat parties at? Because I really want to crash one.

- Where is all the wild sex at? Because I'm pretty sure that when things get really busy with school, my husband and I start scheduling things in. "So, I have 10 minutes on Tuesday, from 6:50 to 7." I he reads more about sex on my blog than he actually has sex. That brings screwed to a whole new meaning doesn't it?

- To the friends and family I've recently "came out of the closet about the blog with", I'm sure that after that last observation, your wishing that I had kept my secret. Or that you could wash your eyeballs out with bleach and erase those mental pictures that are permanently burned into your mind.

You are so very welcome.

2 weeks from today is the big B day. It's also going to be close to my 200th post and to my first giveaway (that I can hopefully give away this time). Look for tomorrow's post about the giveaway that wouldn't go away. Stay tuned for the awesome giveaway!

Committed

As a college student, it's important to have goals. Most instructors at the first of the year want you to tell them what kind of grade you will likely get in the class and then, if living in a world that you ruled, what you would actually get.  Obviously in the world that you ruled, you would get everything your little heart desired. Without all the blood, sweat, and tears.

Let's face it, the real world if vastly different. I might want that A in Spanish, but without putting in lots (and lots, and lots, and lots, and..) the odds of that happening are zilch. Goals are important. They give you a finished result to work towards, but on the other hand they can be all consuming or even non motivating.

I'm overweight. Hello, my name is Abby, and I'm chunky.

This is where you say Hi Abby, then hand me chocolate.

I spend approximately 25 minutes of my day riding on the bus. Most days, I spend that time thinking about work, school, my husband, my lack of social life, or trying to talk myself into talking to strangers today. Apparently that's a lesson that I learned a little too well as a child. Yet today I thought about what good grades I got last semester. About how, even when I didn't feel like it, I stayed up and I did homework, and I studied, and I got a tutor, and about the A's and B's I finished the semester with. I took a Pass or else attitude. I had to pass my classes. I have to maintain a high GPA to keep from getting kicked out of the program. I don't have a choice. I have too. If I want that job I keep dreaming about, I have to do it. Whether I feel like it or not.

I wonder, where I would be if I could learn how to put that same effort into weight loss. Where would you be? Could you be working on your own college degree? Could you be 30 pounds lighter? Could you have the job you wanted? If you just showed the same amount of time and commitment to yourself and your own body that you gave everything else, what could you have accomplished?

I could be 30 pounds thinner. I could be more than that. But instead, I'm still sitting here. Waiting on myself to commit to me.

Sounds goofy when you think of it that way, doesn't it? And yeah, it does. But, if I'm not happy, then that job, that college experience, that _______, doesn't matter.

Maybe, this year, my 32nd year, will be the year that I can learn to commit some time to me for me. Maybe, you can find the time to commit to yourself too.

"So, self, I've been thinking. We've been together a long time, and I really can't imagine my life without you. Without you, I'm just a body, an empty shell of a person without you by my side."

(Presents beautiful, sparkly, shiny ring in a Tiffany blue box)

"Will you marry me?"

Yes!

Now, maybe just a little tweak to my calendar here, and a pinch there and I can schedule in some time to sweat. Other than sex.

Learning

As I was riding the bus to get to my first class, I had a sudden realization. Today, I have a better understanding of what Papa meant when he kept telling me that a college degree doesn't make you smarter. Its life that does that.

I don't like new situations. I don't like being thrown into a room full of people I don't know. I really don't like it when the two guys sitting behind me are talking about which high schools they just graduated from and I realize how different I am from them.

They haven't struggled with infertility, they haven't had to worry about losing their job and putting food on the table to feed their family. Those are life experiences that the will eventually have, unfortunately. Those experiences will change them, they will teach them, they will make them stronger.

Yet today these "kids" have taught me a valuable lesson. They don't care. The only person in the room bothered by my age is me. They are too busy in their own lives and living off their own experiences that they don't care that they were 6 when I graduated high school. They don't care. I'm what they want to be when they graduate. They want to get married and have a family and a job that they love.

I didn't realize, until today, that college teaches you more than just the things found in books. It teaches you that sometimes, no matter how much you don't want too, that you have to do things alone. It teaches you that sometimes you have to stand on your own two feet and that you have to be the oldest or youngest in the room. You have to learn how to stand alone before you can ever truly begin to support someone else.

I realize that for some people, they have had to stand on their on for a while. Every one's life is different, their experiences different. What they take away from each experience and each situation is different, yet similar at the same time.

Even though I've been in the real world for a while now, I know that no matter what, there are still things that I'm going to have to face alone. I also know that I have to learn that I worry more about what other people think about me, than what they actually do. I have got to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. They don't care that I'm 31, they just want to pass the class and graduate. That I can relate too.

My Days are Numbered

One week. That's all the time I have left. I'm not sure if I should be thrilled or disappointed. In one week, less stressed, more relaxed, more free time me disappears until December as I go...BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

Part of me is thrilled, part of me is dreading it. Because let's face it, I could live with learning the stuff, but less homework. Less stress. More of a life. So much of last semester was a blur that I honestly don't remember it. And I'm afraid that much of this semester will be the same. There are classes I'm looking forward to and classes I dread.

I'm looking forward to taking one more step towards a degree and the life that I want. Yes, I realize that my plans may not coincide with the plans that God has lined out for me, but I still feel like I'm where I should be, doing what I need to be doing. I still feel like I'm doing the right thing.

It's hard to believe that it has snuck up on me like this. I have started having the butterflies again. I felt so lost the first few days of classes because I felt like I was so old and out of my league. But now, well, now there are familiar faces in the crowd. Now there are familiar hallways and offices and rooms that helped me gain confidence in myself. And if worse comes to worse there is that GPA that makes me proud of my first semester of college, of school in 13 years. I can do it. I will do it. I can do anything I make up my mind too, as long as I want it bad enough.

Sure, there are things that aren't done, like unpacking, cleaning up the garage, a stocked freezer of food so my husband doesn't have to worry about dinner. My Scentsy Party details lined up and ironed out, and Christmas shopping. I still have a week, so there is hope for some of that. But not all of that, I don't want to be all stressed out about all that other stuff before I start school. So, we are taking a what happens, happens mentality and what doesn't, will be worried about over my Christmas break. This may be the year of the gift cards.

So ready or not, Texas Tech, here I come.

Young VS. Old

I have always heard about generational gaps and I have seen them repeatedly. Yet here lately, it seems like I am noticing it more. I don't know if it is because I am learning so much at Tech that doesn't have to do with my degree or I'm just paying more attention.

Recently the city required that the company that I work for get a Storm Water Permit. My boss complained that it was the government holding its hand out and looking to extract more money from small businesses. I saw it as trying to get businesses to think more about their environmental impact. Is it a pain? Yes. Is it good business practice to be "green"? Yes. Does my 72 year old boss see it that way? No. Our perspectives are very different. Yes, the need for the permit came at a bad time for the business, we are trying to recover from slow times and it's hard. We often barely make payroll, simply because we are trying to stretch every dollar that we have. So yes, I understand his desire to not spend the money.

After taking the Environmental Science class last semester I learned a lot of information. It was educational and it made me think about recycling and going green in a whole new level. In fact, if my husband wouldn't look at me like I was crazy, there would be a ton of changes in our own home. That class was eye opening. My boss, being of a different generation sees things differently. He hasn't taken the class, and once again, he would argue that it was all propaganda from the government so that THEY could have more than he does.

Yet, talk to a 15 year old, and this is something that they have heard in school for a while now. They are used to the recycling bins at school. They see it as protecting the environment and those cute little animals, not that the big, bad government is trying to steal money from them.

Makes me wonder, if everyone would stop trying to be the "right" one, how much could we learn if we stuck 30 year olds in the same room with 70 year olds? The older group has seen more, and had more life experiences to help with not repeating mistakes, the 30 year olds have the ambition and the drive to push through and see changes happen. In a perfect world, it's the perfect solution. In reality, it will never happen.

My boss has the mentality that everything will always be around, that global warming isn't real and that it would take a huge disaster, like a meteor to screw things up. He doesn't realize that permit, and the fee spent could save someones job. It could save a lake. It could help find an alternative to cleaning water for drinking. Is it an age thing? Or is it an education thing? Is it something that he could overcome, or is he too stubborn to change his way of thinking at this point? Are you?

Dear FBI

First of all, before you read this post, read this article about the Secret Service and Facebook.

Then insert lots and lots of humor and sarcasm to what your about to read.

I have joked for months about how "they" are watching and probably recording my father's every move. He writes a blog. His blog is a lot more controversial and involves a lot of political bashing. A lot. He discusses how all of our leaders are "retards" and need to be kicked out of office. While I agree with a lot of his claims, there are a lot that I refuse to get into for several reasons. I'm busy, and I don't have that much time to watch CSPAN or CNN or wherever he gets his information from.

However, a few months ago, when I failed my first college math test. I made a joke while I was on the phone with my mom. I then proceeded to tell "who" ever was listening in that I really needed to pass the class. My grades didn't improve. I joked to "them" that my user id was _ _ _ _ _ _ _ and they could log in and give me a passing grade for the class.

I only needed a C. But I finished the class with a B. Now I'm starting to wonder if they didn't "fix" my grade.  If so, they have my utmost appreciation. But until further proof comes along, I'm going to assume that I earned that grade.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart that I don't have to re-take that class. Instead I get to go on to part too. However, you might want to hang on to that login information. Because I've got a while until I'm done, and I might need your help again.

Remember - this is all meant in good fun. I actually really appreciate the sacrifices that the FBI, Secret Service and other law enforcement provide. Our world, and our lives would be totally different without their willingness to do their job.