2012

This year has been....a year.

I've joked with John all year long that the catastrophic events of this year were all his fault. He was the one who said that 2011 was the year that all years would be compared against as far as the level of suck was concerned. John lost both of his grandfathers that year, and we had a huge falling out with his brother, sister, parents, and remaining grandmother. He was quite sure it couldn't get worse. However, before February was even over with, God decided to take his challenge and make sure that those were not words that John will ever utter again, especially if he wanted to live and do well with me.

January:
John lost his job. We found out that my niece and possibly my nephew were being sexually abused by their father. He was arrested. My sister-from-another-mother and good friend Andrea was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

February:
Andrea went to Houston because her colon was so messed up none of the local doctors would even touch her or begin treatments of the cancer. John's cousin's wife committed suicide.

March:
Andrea was still in Houston. My dad was hospitalized for what we thought was pneumonia. He ended up having both strains of the flu as well as pneumonia. He was so deprived of oxygen and sick that he ended up being put on a ventilator for 4 days. They were concerned  that because of the lack of oxygen because of how sick he was that he might have suffered brain damage. Fortunately, his brain was only as damaged as it was before all of this.

April:
One year since Grandpa passed away. One year since all of the fallout with the family began.

May:
Finals. Need I say more.

June:
Summer school - thankfully this month wasn't so bad, and we were thinking that the year was looking up.

July:
Just trucked along

August:
School. Hate most of my professors. Liked the classes. Hated the professors. Arg.

September:
Andrea's colon ruptures. She spent a week on a ventilator. Worried that she might not make it out of the hospital. But thankfully she rallied, and went home. She spent almost the entire month in the hospital. Her husband suckers my husband into going to the lease. Thankfully no dead animal adorns my walls..yet. I discover that something isn't right with my innards. Go to ER the day after my 33rd birthday. Told to go home and take the narcotic pain meds. Tried that, but didn't remember going to school and a variety of other things, so just took thousands of ibuprofen trying to survive the worst of it.

October:
Felt so bad that I don't remember anything, other than trying to make it to class and to work. Pretty much quit cooking and cleaning completely. Basically didn't study much either. Just felt so, so bad.

November:
Finally got the referral to the specialist. Had actual surgery to remove very, very sick gallbladder the week before Thanksgiving. Felt some relief for the first time in months. Then the joys of a body adjusting to no gallbladder.

December:
Finals. Failed my first class. Probably because I shouldn't take a final the same day that I had to say goodbye to my sister-from-another-mother. December 6th, Andrea went home. There's a post in there somewhere about her. But I just can't write it yet. I barely could type those words without breaking down into tears. Stressed about followup with gastro, because the pain was back. Thankfully gastro thinks it's just my body adjusting.


Sure, there have been some high points, and some of the issues, like John losing his job, actually have turned out to be a blessing. And well, some of them, like losing Andrea just suck. So while most of this year was events that I could have done without, like the gallbladder epidemic, I don't know that I would change any of it. Even Andrea. As much as that breaks my heart to say, I think that her being a part of my life served a purpose, and I think that losing her will serve a purpose too. Even though I'm not sure what it could possibly be at this point. She did teach me a great amount about forgiveness, faith and believing in myself. But that's another post entirely.

So, my request for 2013 - Lord, give me the strength to make it through whatever it is that you throw at us this year. Help me to have more patience during those moments of insanity and suck, and help us find peace, not matter what the situation. And if you could help out with my GPA, I'd be eternally grateful.

Life Goes On

This year has been full of suck. There has been death, dismemberment, and other all around general things that I would really prefer not to repeat.

Well, ok, there really hasn't been dismemberment, but those words just go together when you work in a sheetmetal shop.

It's been a year of moments, hours, days, and weeks that I wouldn't want to repeat. Yet, I have found myself wishing this year away in hopes that when the clock strikes midnight on December 30, that 2012 wouldn't hold the same amount of suck that 2011 has.

Then the Wednesday before Thanksgiving that all changed. Because let's be honest. No matter how bad things are in your own life, they can always get worse. Always.

A good friend of mine (who I'm pretty sure is my sister and we were just separated at birth) lost a childhood friend the day before Thanksgiving. Suddenly my year wasn't so bad after all. Yet at the same time her year hit rock bottom.

I look at the pictures of my childhood friend, whom I have known since Kindergarten and I wonder what I would do if something happened to her. I've known her 5 less years than I've been alive. 27 years we have been friends. 27 years. Suddenly someone my age dying made me feel very, very old.

I've spent over half of this year wishing it were over. Wishing that I could just hit the fast forward button and get to 2012 and it would be better. The last week, I have wished I could hit the pause button and savor some of these moments for the next 20 years and let 2012 show up later. Much, much later.

I've been so lost, and partially found and lost again since Papa died in July. Well, let's face it, probably when Grandpa died in April. There has been so much heartache, anger and hurt wrapped into this year that I would love to put it all behind me. However, just because I flip another page over in the calender, doesn't mean that things will be better. It will still be the exact same, except for the date I write on everything at work and school.

Whether or not I want next year to be better or not, has nothing to do with the year. It has everything to do with me and my attitude towards the problems that I face. I can choose to wallow in self pity and other emotions and suddenly I'll wake up and it's June and I'll think that this has been the worst 6 months of my life. When in reality, it was partly my choice to leave it that way.

This year has seen both heartache, joy, triumph, sadness, and laughter. Just like the last 32 have seen. 2012 could be better, it could be the same, or it could be infinitely worse. Some things are out of my control, but how I react to them, how I dwell on them, or move on, is entirely up to me.