Belief in Prayer

A few days ago, as I chatted with my sister-in-law about a new job that she was applying for, one of her regular patrons at her current place of employment came forward and proceeded to discuss with her that he would pray for her and that the situation, which she was torn about, would resolve itself exactly as it should.

He asked her if she believed that by praying for God to help with the new job, that she would indeed get the new job. She bumbled around, because she's torn about leaving one job for another. Yet his words struck something inside my head.

How often do I believe that what I'm praying for will happen?

Like how often I pray for something to happen, or for some guidance and I don't exactly get the response I was hoping for. If I even get a response. Apparently I'm giving up before I've even asked for what it that I want. Sucks to be a pessimist. Yet, I keep praying, but while I'm praying and hoping, there is a part of me that is telling myself that the odds of whatever it is that I'm asking for, aren't going to happen.

I've thought about it a lot the last few days, and I know that while my husband and I were trying to desperately to get pregnant and I was praying and bartering and begging with God, that a part of me believed that it just wasn't going to happen. Yet, while my friend Andrea has battled cancer the last year, as her health took a left turn and she ran into some complications, I stopped praying for a miracle, but instead that God's will be done. I prayed for peace for her and her family, I prayed for comfort for those that needed it, but never once did I ask that she not die. Simply because she would have been totally pissed at me for asking for that. Every time that I would pray for her, I could hear her voice asking me what I was doing when I would pray for a miracle. She wasn't praying for one, why should I be. I think that's why I've had...(searching for the right word here)...peace, comfort, even joy at the situation. Simply because she was okay with this alternative too. She's not in pain, she's not feeling guilty about missing out on her children's Halloween parties, and soccer games. I know that she'd rather have stuck around to watched her children grow up, she would be perfectly content with this alternative too as long as she knew it was what God's plan was.

I've had enough faith for things to work out for her and her family just like God would have wanted, just like she would have wanted, but I can't have the same amount of faith for my own life. Thanks to the misery of the last few months with my gallbladder, I had lost some weight, mostly because I wasn't eating. Thankfully (well not so much), I've managed to hold steady, and even gained a few pounds back. Yet the last few days, I've struggled. I don't like that number on the scale, and I've asked for strength. I need to get to a healthy weight, I want to get to a healthy weight, so I can be around and annoy my husband as long as possible. Yet, while I'm asking for strength to stick with it, part of me doubts that I'll ever do it. Which is probably the reason that I can't get the scale to move, unless I'm literally starving.

Part of me doubts that college will ever be more than a hassle again; that I'll never actually enjoy it again. School starts back next month, and for the first time since I started back, I dread it. Even with the lack of stuff to do at work, I just don't want to go back. I still want the degree, it's just lost its charm. Thus the crappy grades, lack of motivation to do homework, and general hate of it all in general.

Then there is the ever present infertility issues. Part of me wants to believe that if I lose enough weight I'll miraculously get pregnant. Yet, as I'm praying for strength to stick with going to the gym and eating better, part of me believes that it will never happen, and thus getting pregnant will never happen.

It's a vicious cycle, but someone has to stick with it. Although, for my sanity, I'd just as soon as it not be me.

So I've found myself wondering if by not having more faith that it will work out the way it was meant to, that in turn it's not working out the way it should.

If I don't believe that God can do it, then why should he prove to me that he can?

So, that's going to be my resolution for today, for tomorrow, and for everyday for the rest of my life; is to trust that God has my best interests at heart. I know he does, but I've got to learn to remove all doubts that between the two of us, I'm capable. Everyone else thinks I am, so I should too. I'm also going to have to believe his voice when he tells me to be patient; to believe that what I'm praying for will happen. That the child I so desperately want will come, that the weight loss will happen and the pounds will melt away, and that college will not steal my happiness, but add to it again. I'll resolve to have more faith in God and in my abilities and less doubt, because the only person who is being cheated and missing out is me.

Well, and my sanity.

Andrea

I've wanted to write this post for weeks now. Yet, I just couldn't seem to find the words. And even after I found the words, it would be 2 more weeks before you would actually get to read it. Simply because I wasn't ready.

When John and I got married in 1999, I acquired his family, and I acquired Andrea and her family as well. Andrea was the daughter of John's father's best friend. They've been friends since junior high, so Andrea and her big brother Joe, literally grew up with John. He's known them since he was born. John's dad has now been friends with this guy for more than half his life.

A couple of years ago, thanks to all the drama that we have been through with my inlaws, my sister-in-law Jean, was at the library where Andrea worked complaining about me. You know, how I was evil and should be destroyed. Andrea made a comment about how she didn't believe it was true, Jean said that Andrea didn't know me, and Andrea quickly resolved to rectify that situation.

A beautiful and glorious friendship began. We were privileged enough to spend the next couple of years getting to know Andrea, her husband and her precious kidlets. We were blessed enough to spend the last year doing what we could to keep Andrea's spirits up and make the bad days less sucky. And even though to an outsider it would look like we were doing all the work, our lives were certainly enriched by the care packages we delivered and the time we spent with Andrea and her family. See, at 33 she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in January of 2012.

Andrea and I joked that we were separated at birth. Where I as strong, she was weak and vice versa. I'm quite sure she was the sane, rational part of my brain, she would probably agree.

Andrea and I managed to build a friendship unlike one I've ever had before. She's the only person who I couldn't put on my "happy face" for. Because we were so much alike, we both knew that the other was just telling us what we wanted to hear. Thankfully neither of us was afraid of calling the other a liar and getting to the bottom of whatever the current trouble was. We both walked away feeling better about whatever situation we were facing. Our relationship forced me to be utterly honest with her about the struggles with infertility, with my inlaws, with my own family, and she could help me find peace about the situation, or any situation really. Of course, I could provide perspective about moments in her life too. Like the night she cried when she missed her kid's Halloween plans because she couldn't be exposed to that many germs because of her weakened immune system due to the chemo treatments. She was busy getting better, better that her kids missed her for one night instead of a lifetime. Of course, I had no way of predicting the future, but my reassurance that she wasn't a bad mother was enough to provide her some peace and ease the guilt.

She taught me how to worry less and let life happen more. There wasn't much that chips and hot sauce wouldn't fix, or at least soothe. She taught me that I'm stronger than I think, and that it's okay to slow down, to say no, and to not make an offer I didn't want to hold up in the first place. She taught me to to hand over more of life's little inconveniences to God, like job loss, sucky exam grades, and burnt biscuits. She taught me that there was nothing better than texting about our husband's when they went off to the lease for the weekend. We probably saved each other years of therapy and marriage counseling.

Andrea had the ability to make you feel like you were the most important person in the room when you were around. She was tons of fun, and thanks to her and relationships that she had cultivated with other people, I've gained a few new friends that I'd like to get to know better. They certainly can't replace the relationship that I had with Andrea, but they can certainly add to my life and they already have. Andrea had the ability to put things in perspective, even if it wasn't a situation that she fully understood. She also had an amazing capacity for forgiveness and she truly understood and practiced the "turn the other cheek" concept.

From the moment of her diagnosis of Stage IV colon cancer, to the emergency surgery which removed her colon, ovary and appendix, she never believed that the whole situation wasn't trucking along exactly like it was supposed to be. She might not have always liked the results or the outcome, but she fully believed in "rolling with the punches and giving it to God". And she did. She showed amazing strength and a fighting spirit when most people would have caved under the disappointment of another setback.

There were moments of laughter and moments of tears. There were moments that I would have gladly traded places with her, and moments she probably wouldn't have given up even if it meant a different outcome. Even though I can't send her a text message or find her sitting in her chair at her home, she's still here. I hear her voice every time John irritates me about something, her offer of "Do I need to take care of him?". I hear her voice every time I've had a moment of self loathing over school. "Girl, I did the 13 year plan, it's not a race." I hear her every time I see her kids. She's in her daughter's laughter and joy over a Christmas gift. She's in her son's fearlessness. She's in her husband's stubbornness. She's in every yellow or purple butterfly I see. She's in the purple shirts I own, simply because it was her favorite color. She's in the moments of doubt, I can hear her telling me to not worry so much that it will all work out in the end. And you know what, she's right.

I can hear her voice telling me how much she loves "you guys". I can even hear her now as I type this, saying "sheesh" that she doesn't deserve all the hoopla. She'd even be slightly annoyed that this post is literally, all about her. Yet, this is probably one of the few places she is wrong. Her friendship literally changed my life.

I'm pretty sure what I posted on Facebook on December 4th sums it all up

"I've thought all day about what I wanted to say to you on this space. As I picked out my purple shirt today and the bracelet with the yellow and purple butterflies. I've thought about the text messages, the phone calls, the date nights, the Christmas shopping expedition of 2011. I've thought about your infectious laughter, your "hey guys!" greeting, and your sweet smile. I've thought about the strength you've shown through the treatments, doctor's appointments, and the overwhelming pain. Yet tonight, as I hugged your husband, and I told him that he was stuck with me, I heard your laughter and your voice telling me to give him grief. Thank you for all the text messages, the phone calls, the emails, the friendship, and the love. You had such a huge impact on my life, in ways that I probably won't even realize for quite some time. Thank you for changing my life, and for letting me be a part of yours. Hold that tiny baby that was gone from my world too soon, and save me a seat, we will have lots to catch up on. I love you."

 

Today I'm thankful that I didn't really lose her. Sure, I can't sent her a text message or laugh about something her husband children did, but she's still here. I'm thankful that I'll see her again, and that she's no longer suffering from the pain and misery of cancer, but also from life's disappointments. I'm thankful, that because of her faith and choices that she has made I'll see her again. When the moments of grief and missing her seem to overwhelm me, I can just close my eyes and see her beautiful smile, and I know instant comfort and peace because she's exactly where she would want to be.

2012

This year has been....a year.

I've joked with John all year long that the catastrophic events of this year were all his fault. He was the one who said that 2011 was the year that all years would be compared against as far as the level of suck was concerned. John lost both of his grandfathers that year, and we had a huge falling out with his brother, sister, parents, and remaining grandmother. He was quite sure it couldn't get worse. However, before February was even over with, God decided to take his challenge and make sure that those were not words that John will ever utter again, especially if he wanted to live and do well with me.

January:
John lost his job. We found out that my niece and possibly my nephew were being sexually abused by their father. He was arrested. My sister-from-another-mother and good friend Andrea was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer.

February:
Andrea went to Houston because her colon was so messed up none of the local doctors would even touch her or begin treatments of the cancer. John's cousin's wife committed suicide.

March:
Andrea was still in Houston. My dad was hospitalized for what we thought was pneumonia. He ended up having both strains of the flu as well as pneumonia. He was so deprived of oxygen and sick that he ended up being put on a ventilator for 4 days. They were concerned  that because of the lack of oxygen because of how sick he was that he might have suffered brain damage. Fortunately, his brain was only as damaged as it was before all of this.

April:
One year since Grandpa passed away. One year since all of the fallout with the family began.

May:
Finals. Need I say more.

June:
Summer school - thankfully this month wasn't so bad, and we were thinking that the year was looking up.

July:
Just trucked along

August:
School. Hate most of my professors. Liked the classes. Hated the professors. Arg.

September:
Andrea's colon ruptures. She spent a week on a ventilator. Worried that she might not make it out of the hospital. But thankfully she rallied, and went home. She spent almost the entire month in the hospital. Her husband suckers my husband into going to the lease. Thankfully no dead animal adorns my walls..yet. I discover that something isn't right with my innards. Go to ER the day after my 33rd birthday. Told to go home and take the narcotic pain meds. Tried that, but didn't remember going to school and a variety of other things, so just took thousands of ibuprofen trying to survive the worst of it.

October:
Felt so bad that I don't remember anything, other than trying to make it to class and to work. Pretty much quit cooking and cleaning completely. Basically didn't study much either. Just felt so, so bad.

November:
Finally got the referral to the specialist. Had actual surgery to remove very, very sick gallbladder the week before Thanksgiving. Felt some relief for the first time in months. Then the joys of a body adjusting to no gallbladder.

December:
Finals. Failed my first class. Probably because I shouldn't take a final the same day that I had to say goodbye to my sister-from-another-mother. December 6th, Andrea went home. There's a post in there somewhere about her. But I just can't write it yet. I barely could type those words without breaking down into tears. Stressed about followup with gastro, because the pain was back. Thankfully gastro thinks it's just my body adjusting.


Sure, there have been some high points, and some of the issues, like John losing his job, actually have turned out to be a blessing. And well, some of them, like losing Andrea just suck. So while most of this year was events that I could have done without, like the gallbladder epidemic, I don't know that I would change any of it. Even Andrea. As much as that breaks my heart to say, I think that her being a part of my life served a purpose, and I think that losing her will serve a purpose too. Even though I'm not sure what it could possibly be at this point. She did teach me a great amount about forgiveness, faith and believing in myself. But that's another post entirely.

So, my request for 2013 - Lord, give me the strength to make it through whatever it is that you throw at us this year. Help me to have more patience during those moments of insanity and suck, and help us find peace, not matter what the situation. And if you could help out with my GPA, I'd be eternally grateful.

Life Trucks On

Well, I would love to have something funny, mildly hilarious, or even slightly thought provoking for you today.  But instead my brain is swimming around with carbohydrates. 

Thanks homework for sabotaging my life, and apparently this blog post too.

How about a few updates then?  It's better than something crazy that I might come up with instead.

-John's grandfather is trucking along.  After more testing he has cancer on a lung as well as his liver.  He has began chemo treatments and seems to be handling them well.  He will continue those for a few weeks before he has more scans and tests to see how the cancer is reacting.

-Bailey.  The boxer that we rescued.  He is still living with us.  A part of us wants to keep him, and a part of us wants to see him go to a home that doesn't have another little mean dog like Blaze.  They get along fine, when no one is looking.  If Blaze catches you looking those kisses that she was just giving him turns into snarls and growls. 

-I still haven't heard anything on my application yet.  They have had it since Monday, surely they have read it and realize how wonderful I am, and they want me to join their campus.  Plus, they could sure use the money.

-I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving, mostly for the days off work.  I'm tired of homework and work.  I just have a case of the blah's.  I would wish for excitement, but it usually isn't the kind that I want.  So we will keep the blah's, thankyouverymuch!

-I'm still not finished with Christmas shopping.  However, I am finishing off my grandfather's gifts this weekend.  Amazingly so I only have 6 people left, and a couple of "extras" in case someone else should pop up that I'm not prepared for.  So, it's not quite as bad as it seems.  Plus, based on circumstances that my niece and nephew are currently facing, I would like to do a little more for them than I have done.

-Debbie and her husband are getting a divorce.  I'm sad for them, and their children.  I'm also thankful that I'm married to a good man, and that after almost 11 years we still have a good, solid relationship.  I'm sad that one or both, depends on who you talk to, had done childish things to "hurt" the other person.  They are forgetting that there are two children whose lives will be forever changed and impacted by the decisions that they make, and by how "adult" like their parents act.

-I've been cooking new recipes again.  I have been taking pictures of the final results.  But not step by step pictures.  Mostly because some of this cooking is taking place at night, and I don't want the pictures coming out "yellow" because I'm not using natural light.  Although twice this week, I took the pictures outside before it got dark. 

-Well, now that I'm not thinking about carbohydrates and the retarded presentation that I have to work on this afternoon, I think I'll go fix my lunch and hope that this afternoon is interruption light, because I have to do my homework and my husbands.

-I'm going to be participating in some other blogs "theme days" for a while.  I'm just so overwhelmed with work and school, that without a little guidance, you will be lucky to get monthly posts.  Look for the first one tomorrow!

~Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  It's the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes a difference.  ~Edna Ellison

The Beauty

Life has thrown us a lot of curve balls here lately.  First the challenges of making a choice about school, then the month of October, my grandmother’s recent trip to the emergency room, and yesterday…  Well yesterday was more like a curve ball and a hard ball all at the same time.  See, my husband’s grandfather, Jerry, has learned that he is in for the fight of his life.  Or maybe for his life.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday.

Thankfully, his grandfather has chosen to “fight like hell”, to beat this disease, and I hope like hell that he wins.  But, that little voice in my head, the one that makes me think too much, and be realistic tries to give into that “what if”.  He hasn’t been to the oncologist yet, so next week, there could be news that none of this family wants to hear.  I don’t want to be the one who has these negative thoughts, I want to be able to tell my husband and have complete faith in the “it’s all going to be OK.”  Yet realistically, I don’t know that, and frankly there could be another curve ball down the road that we aren’t ready for.

I’m also saddened by the fact that this is the second person that John will have watched struggle with lung cancer, which is believed to have been brought own by their own poor choices.  See, John’s uncle and namesake, was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2002, and he lost that fight a year later.  While Jerry’s family doctor wasn’t able to tell him that it was specifically caused from being a smoker for 50 years, he was able to tell him that it didn’t help.  Two people, whom we both love, who could have prevented these diseases, and yet, they choose a different path. Then it makes me wonder why people are so lax with their health and their bodies.

Trust me, I’m just as guilty, although I don’t smoke, I don’t eat as well as I should, I’m overweight, I don’t exercise regularly (thanks school), and I don’t handle stress well.  All of those things don’t prove that I will live a long and healthy life either.  Yet I always find it ironic that it takes something like a death or a life changing disease for people to realize and understand how precious life is, and how valuable their own life is.

Yet on one hand, my heart aches.  You see, between John and I we know at least 4-5 more people who have made the same choices, who may face their own experience like this.  It saddens me that as the shock of our grandfather’s own fight wore on, that the fact that these other people in our lives, may be forced to walk down the same path.

Today, as I write this post, and try to find the words that will hopefully bring myself, and perhaps John comfort, I’m reminded of a lot of things.  Things that I hope I can remember in the coming months, as our faith, strength, patience, and understanding are tested.

See, no matter what happens, there is beauty in the midst of this whole situation.  There is still plenty to celebrate, instead of grieving for the what-if – that may never happen.  As odd as it sounds, this is a blessing.  It’s a chance for the family to grow and to be reminded of what’s important in their own lives.  And as unfair as life sometimes is, it’s a chance to mend broken hearts and relationships and to say goodbye.  Because frankly none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, it’s not a matter of if, but when.

Even in the darkest of hours, when you ask – God shows up in the most unlikely of places.  In the midst of this seeming tragedy, there is a blessing.  We just have to see the beauty.

~Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

~ Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.  ~Confucius

~ Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.  ~Leo Buscaglia

~ I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.  ~Mother Teresa