Cheap...or Brilliant?

A few weeks ago my husband and I were catching up on our huge list of DVRed tv shows. We both remember our parents watching the original show Dallas. Heck, John was even born right in the middle of an episode.

We figured, we would watch the new version when it came out on TNT so that we could see what all the fuss was about. There's just enough intrigue involved to keep me interested. Which takes a lot, considering the majority of the crap I watch on TV involves police, dead bodies, suspects, and jail cells.

So imagine my surprise when we were watching this particular moment and up pops this image on the screen.

Huh. That looks vaguely familiar. So I start yelling at John to "pause it". Apparently I'm yelling rather excitedly because he starts scrambling like I've just told him the world is going to end. So after he rewinds it, we pause, and low and behold.

See, this picture was taken on the table in my office at home.

And this picture from my office at work.

John and I both found it rather ironic, that Dallas, a television show that was as popular as it was back in the 80's would be so cheap in it's new venture to purchase a stereo from Walmart. Makes me want to record all the episodes again, and start looking for stuff from the dollar type stores.

They could have at least plugged it in so the message center was blue. They were so cheap that they bought there stereo from good ole Wally World, that they couldn't waste the electricity on that little blue area.

As I was typing this (I've had the pictures saved in a post for weeks), I realized that my grandfather used to watch westerns. Lots of John Wayne westerns. Lots. And I remember him pointing out trains in the background, and numbers that showed the cabins that they were using were actually part of some retreat or hotel. He was always so busy watching the scenery to point out these things that most people don't notice, that I wonder, if he actually knew all of what was going on in the movies. Or maybe, he had just seen them so many times, that he knew them by heart.

It's funny, the things that you miss. He would have had a good laugh about my $40 stereo being on TV.

Time Flies

One summer, I remember being particularly bored and actually ready for school to begin again (don't judge, I get excited about school supplies too) and was whining to whoever was within ear shot about how bored I was and how slowly time was moving.
My grandfather, whom I adored, informed me that a week to me was a year to him. As an 8ish year old, it wasn't really a profound statement, although I remember my mom standing nearby and being in complete disbelief, and amazingly so agreement. I thought they were both crazy. Now I know why. Well, I don't know why they were crazy, I'm not sure a psychologist could even answer that question, but I understand the disbelief.

*It's hard to believe I've been at TTU for almost 2 years. I'll finish my second year and 5th (thanks to summer school) semester in December.

*I'll be 33 in September.

*John and I will celebrate our 13th Anniversary in December.

*The puppy that John gave me for my birthday, just before our 2nd anniversary, will be 11 years old this year.

*My other furry baby will be 10.

*My grandfather has been gone for 8 years this October. He would be 90 on Halloween.

*My grandmother 6 in January. She would be 82 in October.

*They would have been married 64 years this year.

*My niece will turn 12 in August. I remember when she was just a toddler with little blonde ringlets.

*Her brother turned 9 last month. I remember when he was born.

* I remember my stepsister telling everyone else that she was pregnant, but avoided telling me because she knew how devastated I would be, because at the time John and I were pursuing infertility treatments to have our own child. I remember tears running down my checks when she finally called and told me that she was having a baby in just 3 short months. I sat in the floor of our bedroom and cried when we hung up.

*I remember the day that John and I agreed that we couldn't keep doing treatments. It was only yesterday, but actually it was 6 years ago.

*I've been at the same job, since we moved for 4 years last month.

*My 15 year high school reunion is next year.

*I remember when I had to by hair dye because my husband informed me that I had several gray hair patches. That was last week, his funeral will be soon...I just have to find him first.

It's funny how the older we get our perceptions and our perspectives change. I have an amazing friend (who I'm quite sure we are sisters and were separated at birth, because she is the only other person I have found who doesn't like the milk after cereal has contaminated it, along with a variety of other freaky similarities) who is currently fighting cancer. Her oldest child, who is absolutely adorable and brilliant (no, I'm not biased), was born 2 months early. Her perception of time is probably vastly different than mine. Although I'm sure that there are moments that time passes us both by faster and slower than we would like it too, yet, we both grasp that it's moving way to quickly when it comes to the grand scheme of things.

There are plans and choices that we are making in our life right now that have a expiration date on them. Once we begin in order to reach our desired end result, we have to commit to spending 2 years on the process. Right now that seems like a dreadful length of time to wait, especially for something as special as the end result would be to both of us. Yet, there are other things going on in my life that I want to give a chance too as well (I would elaborate more, but we are avoiding all parents, family, friends, and people who actually know us, so that we can be completely happy with this choice and have no regrets later on down the road to elaborate now), so that a prior option that wasn't an option might actually be an option.

And if you understood any of that you deserve some sort of medal. Because I wrote it, I knew what I was talking about and I don't understand any of it. You're Welcome.

My point (which was lost about 3 paragraphs ago), was how time keeps ticking away whether we want it to or not. And my grandfather, he was right. When your waiting for something big, 2 years will seem like a lifetime, yet when your just trucking along trying to finish college, 2 years will seem like yesterday.

So the question remains, what will you regret in a year that you didn't start doing today?

It's Funny What You Miss

I've always heard the saying that when you lose someone you miss the oddest things. It's true.

When my grandfather died, I missed chocolate covered cherries at Christmas. There was a big display and I burst into tears in the middle of Wally World. I missed the smell of Beech Nut Chewing Tobacco.

Sunday I was having a cleaning orgy, cleaning things that are typically skipped over every week, so that things were nice and clean before I started school on Thursday and my life revolves around homework. I opened our microwave to wipe it out, and the sudden urge of how much I missed Papa, John's grandfather hit me. I hated to clean out the microwave when we lived with him. Papa was notorious for not covering up anything when he microwaved it. And if 2 minutes would sufficiently do the job, he did it for 3, just for good measure. So there was constantly something blowing up in the microwave.

When we went to Abilene with my parents, there was a Gaither's music display. We didn't share the love of the Gaither's like Papa did, but that display in Cracker Barrel, made my heart ache. I missed Papa more that day and more on Sunday than I had before.

Then today, an older guy came in at work, whose hands looked like Gangie's, and I missed him today too.

It makes me wonder, what little things will I miss about my parents. What little things would I miss, if John were to die before me? What would they miss about me? What would they wish that I had done differently? What would they wish that they had done differently?

Friends

Believing hear, what you deserve to hear:
Your birthday as my own to me is dear...
But yours gives most; for mine did only lend
Me to the world; yours gave to me a friend.
~Martial

Cue cheesy Friends intro.

Sorry, with a title like that I just had to do it. Besides, when your crying later you will appreciate the gesture.

My friend Andrea lost her childhood friend Leslie last Wednesday. The day before Thanksgiving. Andrea is a year or so older than I am and they had been friends since they were just little tykes.

I can relate. I have a friend that I have known since kindergarten. We have been friends for 27 years. I can't imagine her not being a part of my life. Andrea is having to find out the hard way how to do that.

My husband lost both of his grandfathers this year, within just months of each other. Both had health problems, when it came down to it, one was inevitable, the other was a surprise. Both hurt him tremendously.

Unfortunately in life there is no owners manual that tells you how to deal with a problem like this. There is no manual that tells you it's ok to grieve and for how long, and that it's ok to have a breakdown in the middle of Tar-get on a Tuesday night. Or in the middle of Wally world when you see a display of chocolate covered cherries.

I would like to tell my husband and Andrea that contrary to popular belief and the way that they feel at that exact moment goes away. That sharp pain because dull, and then after a while it throbs less and less frequently. The bad news is, it never completely goes away. Contrary to what other people tell you. That was the hard part for me to understand.

I thought that by now, knowing that my grandfather has been gone for 8 years that I wouldn't tear up when I saw that display of chocolate covered cherries. I would love to say that my heart doesn't ache when I work on rebuilding his navy scrapbook, I would love to say that I can look at his picture on my dresser from our wedding day and not wish that he was still around. How I would love to be able to talk to him about some of the things that I hear at school and about some of the things that I see at work. Yet, I'm going to have to wait until I get a trip to heaven to accomplish that.

As I think about Andrea dealing with the loss of her friend, I'm comforted by the fact that she know has a beautiful guardian angel who is saving her a seat in heaven, for when they get to meet again. I hope that she can find some comfort in that.

Happy Halloween!!

Watch out for the ghosties and goblins. And the and pissed off frog king, and the even less impressed pink bunnies!

He doesn't appreciate the finer things in life.  Like dressing up for Halloween.  Don't worry, I gave him a big bone for posing for the picture.

She got her own bone, and the rest of his too!

Did I ever tell you that my favorite spook was born on Halloween?  Tonight we are having one of his favorite meals and watching John Wayne movies to celebrate his birthday.  

Have a Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween and Birthday

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, along with Easter and Christmas. I love to decorate for Halloween with all of the cute ghosts and goblins.

As a kid, growing up on a farm, out in the middle of nowhere, we had few neighbors for me to trick-or-treat to. I remember going up in the field to our neighbor’s house. Her kids were all grown and I was her only trick-or-treater. I swear that she would buy 40 bags of candy just for me. Some years she made popcorn balls or candied apples. She sent home tons with me, keeping just a few for her and her husband to enjoy. After stopping there we were on our way to my Aunt S and Uncle A’s house. They weren’t really family, but Aunt S and my grandmother had been friends for like 100 years. At least that’s what I thought then. Like us, the neighbors to the north; Aunt S and Uncle A lived in the boonies. I was there only trick or treator. So you can imagine what two stops did to that poor little plastic pumpkin; he was full and often overflowing.

To experience the full effect of Halloween, I often when into town and went trick-or-treating with my best friend. Otherwise I only got to knock on three houses. There were never any tricks either, I was too sweet, (and please, no comments from the parents on this one.) :)

There was one other house that was on my list, but this house was different. It was more like an extension of home, except without the toys. This house was less than 50 yards from mine. It could be walked to in under a minute, and ran in under 30 seconds. It was the house that my grandparents live in. This stop was the most important of all.

Why?

Halloween is my grandfathers birthday; or as he was christened by me, my Gangie’s birthday. This house was usually hit twice in one night. Once for a birthday dinner and birthday cake or pie (he always picked) and a second when I was all dressed up in my costume of choice.

I asked him once why he was born on Halloween and he told me it was because he was a spook.

Tomorrow we would have celebrated his 87th birthday. He was a very special and unique person. He was one of those adults that most kids loved. My best friend adored him. My husband adored him, and my husband John missed out on the good stuff. My grandfather was 77 when we got married, and he didn’t have the energy to do some of the things that he did when I was a kid. Like riding up in the field and playing in the mud while he moved water, and the learning to shoot that 22 rifle, with bailing wire holding the butt together, at old oil cans. He missed him stopping in the road to pick something up because it might come in handy one day. He missed him taking stuff apart and not being able to get it back together, just so he didn’t have to buy it new. Then he ended up buying it anyway because he couldn’t get it put back together. He missed the gardens and the little ditches he drew in the dirt in the orchard when he watered the trees.

However, John did get to listen to his time in the Navy. He got to listen to stories about me growing up. He got to hear stories about his childhood and being born early and how his mother used the oven to keep him warm. (Think incubator). How he terrorized his sisters then, and now. John was the butt of a few pranks, as my grandfather was capable of making you believe something. My favorite memory of Gangie doesn't directly involve him, but it was something he would have done. I was 5 or 6 and called my grandparents and back before call waiting you got a busy signal. I was sooooo infuriated because I thought it was Gangie on the other end of the line making that "bongit bongit" noise. It was something he would have done.

Gangie lived with us for 7 months, before we had to place him in the nursing home. Those months were the best and the worst of my life. We laughed and I learned more about the time he hitchhiked to the South Plains fair with Bonnie and Clyde. I hear more Navy stories, more things about when he worked on the Navajo reservation, his first car, his sisters, his mother, and my grandmother when she was younger. I probably know things about him and his life that even his daughter, my mother doesn’t know. I wouldn’t have traded those months for anything. We knew his time with us was short and we weren’t ready to say goodbye.

So this year, like all the ones prior, I’ll send a Happy Birthday wish to my favorite spook. I’ll have one of his favorite meals for dinner, and birthday cake. I’ll be thankful once again to have been blessed to have grown up with him and I’ll be thankful that one day I get to see him again.

Happy Birthday Gangie, we love you!

“I would thank you from the bottom of my heart, but for you my heart has no bottom.”
~Unknown

“Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
~Unknown

“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.”
~Emily Dickinson