Committed

As a college student, it's important to have goals. Most instructors at the first of the year want you to tell them what kind of grade you will likely get in the class and then, if living in a world that you ruled, what you would actually get.  Obviously in the world that you ruled, you would get everything your little heart desired. Without all the blood, sweat, and tears.

Let's face it, the real world if vastly different. I might want that A in Spanish, but without putting in lots (and lots, and lots, and lots, and..) the odds of that happening are zilch. Goals are important. They give you a finished result to work towards, but on the other hand they can be all consuming or even non motivating.

I'm overweight. Hello, my name is Abby, and I'm chunky.

This is where you say Hi Abby, then hand me chocolate.

I spend approximately 25 minutes of my day riding on the bus. Most days, I spend that time thinking about work, school, my husband, my lack of social life, or trying to talk myself into talking to strangers today. Apparently that's a lesson that I learned a little too well as a child. Yet today I thought about what good grades I got last semester. About how, even when I didn't feel like it, I stayed up and I did homework, and I studied, and I got a tutor, and about the A's and B's I finished the semester with. I took a Pass or else attitude. I had to pass my classes. I have to maintain a high GPA to keep from getting kicked out of the program. I don't have a choice. I have too. If I want that job I keep dreaming about, I have to do it. Whether I feel like it or not.

I wonder, where I would be if I could learn how to put that same effort into weight loss. Where would you be? Could you be working on your own college degree? Could you be 30 pounds lighter? Could you have the job you wanted? If you just showed the same amount of time and commitment to yourself and your own body that you gave everything else, what could you have accomplished?

I could be 30 pounds thinner. I could be more than that. But instead, I'm still sitting here. Waiting on myself to commit to me.

Sounds goofy when you think of it that way, doesn't it? And yeah, it does. But, if I'm not happy, then that job, that college experience, that _______, doesn't matter.

Maybe, this year, my 32nd year, will be the year that I can learn to commit some time to me for me. Maybe, you can find the time to commit to yourself too.

"So, self, I've been thinking. We've been together a long time, and I really can't imagine my life without you. Without you, I'm just a body, an empty shell of a person without you by my side."

(Presents beautiful, sparkly, shiny ring in a Tiffany blue box)

"Will you marry me?"

Yes!

Now, maybe just a little tweak to my calendar here, and a pinch there and I can schedule in some time to sweat. Other than sex.

Who You Aren't

It's not who you are that holds you back...it's who you think you aren't. ~Unknown


The last few weeks have been draining, both physically as well as mentally. It's hard watching someone you love suffer, and die. I wouldn't with that experience on anyone, but at the same time, I think it's something that every human should witness, simply because it gives you a big dose of humility.

I've spent the better part of the last month feeling incredibly sorry for myself. With all the drama with my in-laws and my summer slowing slipping away, and some of the plans I had hoped to accomplish with it, it's been a hard few months around here. Self doubt has definitely taken over my life.

Friday on Facebook, one of my contacts had posted the above quote, and it got the wheels turning. There may or may not have been grease involved, since it's been a while since those wheels were turning.

It's not who I am. Why? Because, amazingly so, I'm awesome. I'm sweet, I'm kind, according to the family at the memorial service, I'm an amazing writer. John's cousins poured on the praise, even my father-in-law commented, so obviously, I can, on occasion, write. It's not who I am that holds me back. It's not who I am that things I'm too fat, too stupid, too slow, too old, not worthy, not beautiful, not a good writer. It's the person I think I'm not.

That person, is a real pain in the neck. She thinks all those things. She thinks that I have nothing to offer, she thinks that I can't. When in fact, I can. She thinks that I'm not worthy of praise, and sometimes even love. She thinks that I'm not, and everyone else is.

I'm starting to think that she needs a muzzle. Preferably in pink.

I can. I am. I will. I have.

I can do whatever I want, as long as I put in the effort and the work. I am worthy. Of love, of understanding, of kindness, of happiness. I will go where I want to and do what I want in my life, so long as I work towards it. I have a great family, wonderful friends, and my husband's extended family, with cousins (who let me spoil their children), and aunts and uncles, and a grandfather. Yes, it still hurts that they don't love me. It still hurts that they don't bother to get to know me, but I can't make them. I can only be me, and let them find out for themselves that they have been missing.

That part that isn't me, well she's still me too. She's the one who sometimes pushes me into working harder. She's the one with incredible strength, that let's me borrow some of hers, when I think I can't go on. She's the one who pushes me to do things that terrify me. That person that I'm not, she is part of me too, I just don't listen to her much. Sometimes, she thinks that I'm the one that needs the muzzle. And duct tape. She's the one who tells me I can, when I think I can't. She's the one who pushes me to do better, to be better. She's the one who tells me that I am (fill in the blank).

Most of the time, she could use a muzzle. But don't tell her I said that.

I Have a Dream

I took that leap today, one that has me excited, nervous, scared, and hopeful.  I don't remember being this worried when I did this 11 years ago.

I applied to the college, where I am hoping to finish up my bachelor's degree at.

I had to write a few essays, and this one in particular, I thought was fairly good.

Here was my subject, and my following answer:

"The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey."


I don't feel like there are any extenuating circumstances that make me more qualified to attend your school than someone else. I can only say the following, in hopes that you get to know a little about me, and the person that I hope to be.


I went to college right out of high school, but I met the man of my dreams and got married and college was put on hold indefinitely. While most of my friends were studying, I was working and building a life for my new husband and myself. College was always something that I would do "some day". I had begun to believe that day was never going to come.

Last year my father had a heart attack at 51. It was during the weeks that followed that I realized that there was never going to be a "good" time to go back and finish my degree. So I took a leap of faith, and began scouring the Internet looking for options and answers. I finally decided that I would begin my journey with the University of Phoenix. It offered convenience, and it would allow me to continue to work at a job I love and care exclusively for an elderly grandparent.

A few months ago, I began to make sure that the University of Phoenix was still a good fit for me as I began my bachelor's degree. The more research I did, the less comfortable I felt with my decision to stay there and the more I felt that, in order to get a quality education and continue to pursue my dreams, that I needed to go in a different direction. I prayed, I cried, I begged everyone I knew for advice about what to do and where to go. I lay in bed at night and tried to imagine myself as a traditional college student at 31. I tried to imagine myself walking into classrooms with students younger than myself and tried to imagine finding my place at Texas Tech.

Instead of finding my place, I have found possibilities. I have found that I am willing to make sacrifices and let go of things that I enjoy, so that I can pursue this endeavor. The last few weeks as I have let the idea of attending Texas Tech wash over me, I have felt that I understand Dr. Martin Luther King's passion more intently. He too, had a dream, and he was willing to work hard to do what he could to see it through.

I don't think that there is anything about me that makes me more qualified to attend Texas Tech University than another person. I think that my own perseverance and dedication make me an excellent candidate for a future student and graduate. I think that my age and life experiences allow me to be better prepared to move forward with the next chapter of my life.

Since I began this journey over a year ago, I feel that this is the first time that I have found my niche, and I feel like Texas Tech is exactly where I am meant to be.

Holding on or Letting Go

It’s been well over a year ago that I had decided I wanted to seriously pursue finishing my college education and getting a degree in accounting. A part of me had always wanted to finish, for no other reason than bragging rights, but about 18 months ago, I began to actively pursue my options and trying to find ways to make it work.

Today, I’m less than 3 months away from graduating with my associate’s degree. While that isn’t where I want to stop at, it is definitely a milestone in it’s own right.

As my graduation date has loomed I have been trying to get things in order to start my bachelor’s degree, then my master’s degree, and then take the CPA exam. So the last few weeks I have been looking into my options and doing research.

When I decided to go back to college it was necessary that I maintain a full time job. So instead of the traditional brick and mortar university, I chose a fairly popular online university. While, for the most part, I have enjoyed my time with this particular university, I wanted to ensure that once I completed my bachelor’s degree that I wouldn’t have any issues with finding a job and starting a master’s degree program. So over the last few weeks I have been doing some research into a local university here in town as well as my current college of choice.

Today, I’m not closer to making a choice than I was yesterday. In fact after news of upcoming changes in the company that my husband works for, I’m farther away.

Now I’m faced with two choices. While, I never really wanted to be a CPA, I just wanted the certification so that I had options when it came time for a job after graduation, I’m wondering if I am going to have to let that go.

And that terrifies the hell out of me.

I have wanted that degree for so long, that a part of me has been so focused, and I have tried to maintain a “not an option” attitude when it comes to getting frustrated and fed up. Because trust me, there have been plenty of times when I wanted to just throw in the towel, because it’s been hard and interfered with other parts of my life. Parts that I miss and that I mourn. Yet, I’m so afraid that by letting this one thing go, that I am going to miss out on that dream job, or that I will unconsciously, have given myself permission to fail.

This is one of those times that no matter which route I choose, which school I end up at, there will be equally sucky parts no matter where I go. One school offers convenience of online classes, and the other, more traditional school offers cheaper tuition, which means that I will owe less money when I graduate. One lets me keep my full time job, and the other will require that I not work at all, or that I only work part-time in order to finish my degree in a reasonable amount of time. Otherwise it could take me up to 10.5 years to finish my degree at the traditional university. I would be 41, and still have to go to grad school to take the CPA exam.

I’ve prayed, I’ve researched, I’ve asked opinions of advisors, of state board members, of family, of my facebook groupies, and of family. I get a mixed response, some say don’t wait until I’m 41, or I’ll never finish. Others tell me it shouldn’t matter how long it takes that cheaper is better.

What do I think? I think that letting go is the hardest part. No matter which direction I take, some part of me is going to be hurt, and going to suffer. Either path will change my life. Either path will lead me on a different direction with job hunting after I graduate. Either path could leave me either postponing or completely eliminating the CPA exam from my future.

While the exam is not ultimately where I wanted to end up in my career, it was part of the plan. I find myself trying to listen more to my head than my heart, although at the moment they are both seriously confused. One is preparing for the loss, because no matter which way I go, I will be losing something; the other is trying to prepare me and excite me about the future.

Eventually I’m going to have to make a choice. I’m going to have to take a leap of faith, the question is will I fly because I’ve let go, or will I fall, because I refuse to trust that God has something better in mind?

~ One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it. ~Sidney Howard

~ He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly. ~B.C. Forbes

~ Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel. ~Author Unknown

~ Sometimes the path you're on is not as important as the direction you're heading. ~Kevin Smith

~ The greatest dreams are always unrealistic. ~Will Smith

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I found this today and thought I would share.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those that have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

**I'll make a new post about this in a few days, finding this has brought up many old regrets, hurts, dreams, fears and emotions that I can't even begin to grasp today. They are all rolling around, not sure which feeling I want to experience at the moment. I'm not sure that anything that I could write could convey anything, other than crazy hormonal female. Which is really not the look I'm after. Apparently sarcasm is still there too.

Something else to give you perspective follow this link (or since blogger is being stupid, go to www.kelliecoffey.com/video.asp ), and scroll down to the video titled "I would die for that" Like I said, I'm not crazy, I'm not pregnant either, a good friend, whom I often talk to about babies, shared this with me today.

Dreams

I have always wanted to be a writer. Not just any writer either. But a writer who you can relate too. I have wanted to be able to make you laugh, cry, and relate to the things I wrote about.

I have decided recently that if my 52 year old father, who is completely goofy and wonderful can write a totally weird and strange blog, then why can't I write a semi-normal blog. So, this is all his fault. (Insert Sarcasm) Besides it's not like I don't have anything better to do.

My dream to write started out at as a side job. I had always planned on being a farmer. I guess with that comment, I should give you a little more background info.

I grew up on a farm. It wasn't large by most standards, but it was big enough for a kid to have lots of room to run around on. My grandfather farmed it until I was in middle school, and then he retired. We had cows, pigs, chickens and guineas. At least when I was smaller. The older I got, the more that those animals disappeared, they were too much work for my grandfather to manage alone. The cows were the last to go. I say cows, when I should say pet cows. They were giant dogs, they followed my grandfather around and sniffed his pockets for treats. Then again, there weren't many creatures that didn't follow him around and sniff for something. He was a wonderful man.

Most people don't see me as a farmer. Why? Well, because I'm of the female gender, and I am the ultimate girl. At least that's what my husband says. I like ruffles and lace. Baby dolls and stuffed animals. Ribbons and curls and bows in my hair. I think he is wrong, I don't "primp" like most girls do. Make up is simple, hair is simple, clothes are simple, and ruffled and lace. He's a guy what does he know? But I digress.

I wanted to write. I wanted to be able to vocalize things that would mean something to someone. Other than turning in an assignment. Or sending an email to our supplier, although those have been known to move them to tears. I wanted it to be my "out". Instead I took up cross stitching. I have always thought I could never write. I always thought I could never go back to college either. Guess what I did in July?

I guess I lacked confidence in me. I have spent the last 10 years "fixing" my husband. Letting him follow his dreams, building up his confidence, giving him the support he needed, that I forgot all about my dreams. Until I read my email. I subscribe to these amazing and wonderful stories by Bob Perks. The message was entitled "Your Wakeup Call". I highly recommend signing up for his emails. They are an amazing source of joy and inspiration.

It's amazing how God knows when to kick our butts into action. This was my wake up call, and the motivation I needed to take that first step into going back to school. I'm halfway through the semester and maintaining a full course load with a 3.95 GPA. Oh yeah, I work full time too!

So I decided this morning, when reading my father's blog, and feeling God pushing me into posting some of the things I have written over the last few months, that it was just another shot of motivation to see this through. I can't promise the posts will be often, I do work full time and go to school full time. But stick around, I might surprise both of us.

Please be kind, and remember that I don't care what you think of my writing. So don't be offended when I ignore your comments. This isn't about you. This is about me and following a dream to see where it takes me.