Love is....

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  ~1 Corinthians 13:4-10

John's sister got married on Saturday, her ceremony was a little different than one I have been to before, as there was audience participation in a part asking that we help to guide them and support them. There was nothing wrong with it, just different.

As the pastor got to a section in their ceremony, as often happens, the famous "Love is patient" spiel began. Yet, at the love is kind section, I got a little side tracked.

Love is kind.

Love is supposed to be kind, but somewhere along the way we all screw that up. Every.single.person.

After the sit down with my inlaws a few months ago, I had hoped that relationship was on the road to recovery. Instead I think that relationship might not ever "heal". To a certain extent, I think that the majority of the parties involved have gotten to a place of comfort, a place that's easy, and instead of pushing forward and trying to change things, so that the past doesn't repeat itself, I think that we have moved on.

We are still often excluded from things. But, with wedding planning taking up a lot of time, we ignored it. Until we found out about John's grandmother being in the hospital, again...via Facebook. No phone call, no text. No nothing, just a post on Facebook, asking for prayers.

So while the pastor was reciting the passage from 1 Corinthians all I could think about was that love was supposed to be kind. I wished I could have stood up and shouted at John's parents, his brother and family and his sister. Love is kind. It's not supposed to hurt. They don't have to love me, but don't they realize what their indifference has done to their son, to their brother. It's not supposed to keep score. Yes, I've screwed up. I'm not perfect. But then again, I keep forgiving them, I keep turning the other cheek, I keep trying to be patient and kind. I often feel that I fail. Here lately they have certainly added to my own self esteem and self image issues. I'm critical enough of myself, I certainly don't need them worming into my head.

Love is patient.

Granted, no one is not going to get mad at someone that they care about. I love John, but every now and then he gets on my very last nerve and I get angry and say things that I shouldn't, and that I honestly don't mean. Yet, I often keep my mouth shut for a while and wait until I'm way past the boiling point, and all the little frustrations come spewing out too. It's not perfect, but it's who I am. Yet John is patient, he lets me vent my frustration, often at his expense, and then he wants to love me. Which, to a certain extent really annoys me. I want to be mad at him and he wants to hold me and tell me how much he loves me. Which is a total mad killer, just in case you were curious. Yet, at the same time I know that he still loves me, even if I did just threaten to beat him to death with the bag of trash.

I'll admit I've acted with less than patient intentions towards John's family. I've screwed up with them too, but to a certain extent, I feel like they want to hold that against me. John's brother's wife isn't willing to forgive. She isn't willing to sit down and at least tell me what we did wrong. She's made up her mind and she isn't willing to move forward. I'd like to tattoo the verse "it keeps no records of wrongs" on her forehead. Wonder if she would notice that?

There are big plans for our future. Plans that I'm not yet willing to post for the whole wide world to see. Mostly because I'm not 100% ready to take that step off the cliff into the unknown. These plans, will change our life. They are going to harbor moments of pure terror, heartache, joy, happiness, and love. They are big enough moments that we have told only a select few people who are important to us, because we simply are terrified. We want to be sure. Plus, after a few conversations with John, I think that we want to see what the future holds with my inlaws. They will play a small part in our future plans, and we need to be prepared for them to play there part and things go back to normal, or for our relationship to change completely.

Love never fails.

How Long is Too Long

I've whined on here a variety of times about issues that we have had with my inlaws. They have ranged from simple things like hurt feelings or bigger things like that World War that has gone on for the better part of last year.

Saturday things started out fairly normally for us. We had an early appointment to take our dogs to the groomers. And by early I mean, it should be evil and illegal to get up at 7am on a Saturday morning. We decided that we were going to stop by a local supermarket that has a deli and makes fabulous breakfast quesadillas. Little did we know the interesting turn that day would take.

John's sister, who was a former employee, was back working in the deli. Talk about surprises. We weren't expecting to see her there, and neither of us was sure how we should react. We chatted with her a little, but not much. We sat down and had breakfast, and as we were preparing to leave, John's parents (whom I hadn't seen or talked to since July) walked in. Talk about surprise. We sat at United and chatted with them for quite some time, then the kicker. They invited us over for dinner.

Yeah, I know. We agreed, simply because we couldn't talk amongst ourselves without them overhearing.

We debated about it the better part of the afternoon until we got a text message asking for us to bring some items to contribute to dinner. Here was the opportunity to get out of dinner if we needed to.

Neither of us wanted the last year to have been swept under the rug and things just to sorta trudge along. We wanted all of the issues from the last year, and honestly from the beginning of our marriage to be all nice and worked out and finished for once. So John sent a text message about how we needed to deal with all of this, and would they be willing to have this conversation over dinner tonight. They agreed.

I don't know about John, but I was really worried about how things were going to go. Amazingly so, they went better than I could have thought. I think that John's parents have a better understanding of our marriage, and of several other issues.

We did get some insight into problems with his brother and wife and sister. Which over the course of the next few weeks/months we will be sitting down and working things out with them as well. It's not something I'm looking forward too, in fact it's something that I dread, more so with the siblings than with the inlaws.

There is a lot of misunderstandings all around. A lot. And there is a lot of people who don't have the guts (myself included) to comment to the person that they have the problem with and attempt to work things out. Which I could understand when we got married, Brad and I were young, there was a lot going on in his family at the time that it was easy to just sweep it under the rug and never deal with it. So we did. And 12 years later we are finally attempted to deal with it.

I'm hoping that the next several months will allow us to at least attempt to repair these relationships, and allow us to, in a since start over. Because to be honest, I haven't attempted much effort in the last few years to get to know any of them. It all seemed like it went down hill and that I got tired of trying, and I got tired of it always being my fault. No matter what happened, it was always my fault. That wasn't something that thrilled me either. So here's hoping that we can all put on our big girl/boy panties and deal with this stuff now, once and for all.

Selfless

I don't realize how lucky I am, or how much my husband loves me until days like today.

He is willing to sacrifice his happiness, his career with a nation wide company, to change jobs for $20,000 more per year, so that I could quit my job and simply worry about school.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be a blessing. It would. It would make my stress level decrease incredibly.

And he would give up everything he has now, simply because he is tired of seeing me tired.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

My only response to him: do what makes you happy. I'll work twice as hard at school if I have to, if you want to stay where you are. I'll make sacrifices that I need to so I can do this.

His response: if it makes your life easier, it can only make my life better.

I'm so glad I married that man. I love him with all my heart.

My only regret. That his family wasn't a colony of flies on the wall for that conversation. They might have learned something about the kind of person that their son, brother, and grandson is in those moments.

Evil, Horrible Daughter - in - law

I had hoped that time would work. I had hoped that Papa's drawn out illness would work. I had hoped.

But, I had a feeling that it wouldn't. I had a feeling that things would go back to the same, once my mother-in-law, the matriarch of that particular family had returned. Unfortunately I was right.

I'm back to being evil and avoided. Sometimes I really don't understand family. I don't understand how they can think that they can push me away and have their son in their life too. It hurts him just as much, if not more than it does me. My parents haven't always loved John and the choices that he has made, but they have respected them, and they have kept their mouth shut, and they have at least treated him with some form of courtesy, some form of decency.

I can't make them love me, I can't make them like me. But I would hope that they were all raised to at least be nice to me. Instead, when I speak, what I say is glossed over. Like I never said it. They probably would have preferred that I said nothing at Papa's memorial. Instead of reading this. They probably wish I hadn't shown up.

I can speculate for days.

But instead of a turning point in a relationship. I learned that today, my mother-in-law buys her Scentsy from someone else. Simply for the fact that she doesn't have to see me. I'm not surprised, I'm not even that hurt by it anymore (contrary to the ranting I have been doing). What bothers me the most is that everyone else follows suit. If my mother in law doesn't approve, then John's brother and sister can't either.  They are ruining their relationship with their son, and they don't even see it. That's what bothers me.

Papa's death has left regrets with many. I don't want them to wake up in a few years and regret the choices that they have made. I don't want them to keep pushing him away. He too, has realized that things are back to "normal". No more texts, no more calls, no more.

One day, there will be no more. Now, that's a text message I would love to send, broadcast to a family. They won't live forever, their won't be a good time to "fix" their relationship. We won't live forever either.

Now, the only thing left to do is wonder. What happens from here?

As The World Turns

I have decided that my life is being secretly taped and broadcast to millions of people worldwide. They gather round their TV's on a daily basis to catch the latest in, what can only be described as a Soap Opera of Epic proportions.

I'm pretty sure that if I weren't in such shock that I could come up with my own witty and creative Soap Opera name. And if any of my readers would care to share their idea's I'm open to suggestions. (Or if you watch the show, let me know it's actual name.)

We had dinner on Friday night with some friends. Friends that are also friends with John's mother, sister, and family. Andrea and her brother Matt are my husband's dad's best friend's kids. John, his sister, and brother grew up with these guys and they are more like family than friends.

Well, the subject of the family issues came up. And it was a mutually rewarding learning experience. One that really opened our eyes to John's family.

John's mother told Andrea's mother, that if it took them not being a part of our lives for a few years until this all blows over that she was ok with that.

Insert Pause. Insert Big pause, so that your mind can absorb that.

What?!?!

Can someone please explain to me what kind of parent is "ok" with not being a part of their child's life?! Because that's a concept that is very, very hard for me to understand. Even as I write this days later, I want to question that. I want to understand. I want to talk to some friends who recently lost their 22 year old son in a tragic accident. Because I'm pretty sure that they can't imagine their children as not being a part of their lives for days or weeks, let alone years. I can imagine that they would give anything to have their son as a part of their life again. I can imagine that they would give a lot for just 5 more minutes with him.

What kind of person does that? Let alone a mother.

Granted, I don't have children. So I don't  fully understand the bond that mothers and children share, I haven't experienced it first hand. I only know of how my relationship with my own mother works. Sure I have been mad at my mom that we haven't talked for the better part of a month. Mostly because I'm stubborn. But I can tell you that I wanted to call her so many times. But it was a situation where she needed to make the first move. Sometimes I think that parents forget that we are adults and have our own lives and our own agenda's that sometimes don't mesh with theirs. I think that in the situation with my mother, she needed to understand that I wasn't capable of being told, like a toddler what I was going to do and where I was going to go.

But, I digress.

Yet, my family never alienated my husband from the family. They never only invited me to family functions and ignored him. They never pushed, that even though we are married that we maintain our own separate identities. They knew that we would become one. That we would spend time together, and that as my parents that they had to "let me go".

After several conversations over the weekend, John and I have talked, and contemplated and prayed. We had hoped that as time wore on that we would be able to give everyone some time to breathe and space to think about things. We had hoped that time and distance would allowed them time to heal over the hurtful things that were said. We had hoped that it would bring understanding and a willingness to work things out. Instead, I'm still the evil one. And John has never been that great in their eyes either. Otherwise how could they be willing to remove themselves from his life.

I would love to tell you that I feel something. That this situation breaks my heart. That I hate that this is what our lives have become. I really do.

Instead, I can't find anything but relief. Relief that we know, without a doubt how they feel about us both. Relief that we can move forward and re-build our lives and our marriage. Because I would be lying if I said that this whole ordeal hasn't caused us both stress and strain. We have both doubted ourselves and each other, but now we can move forward and start to put our life back together. I'm sad that his family will miss out on so much in our lives. I'm sad that they are willing to sacrifice one child for another. I'm sad that they aren't willing to fight for John. I hope that they can live their life with no regrets. I hope that they can find peace.

We already did.

~When your absence doesn't alter someones life, then your presence has no meaning either. -Unknown

The Aftermath

I was going to vent. I have had all these posts partially written about different degrees of emotions and feelings and thoughts about the on-going situation with my in-laws. I was going to tell the whole world about it.

Then I talked to my husband. After having a few days to digest some advice from my husband's favorite aunts, as well as a cousin, my feelings about the situation have changed. Considerably.

Do I still believe that his family is in the wrong? Absolutely. Would I love to sit down with them and explain and talk things out? Absolutely.  Am I willing to admit that I screwed up and in a round about way agreed with someone else's thoughts and opinions to get them to shut up? You bet.

I'm sad that they think that they are hurting us, or whatever it is that they think that they are doing, when in fact, we have found our peace with the situation. Instead of being mad, or upset, or any of the other emotions that you would expect. We have relief.

Relief that we no longer have to walk on eggshells and leave out details of our lives in order to keep the peace and to please other people. Relief that we are no longer "the evil ones". While they still see us as evil, we just see us as trying to hard to please them. I'm really proud that my husband has learned that, even though they are family, that he doesn't have to take their abuse any longer. That he has an opinion and that he is free to express that, whether it's what any of them want to hear or not.

After talking with other married family members, we realize that our marriage is "normal". That married people do spend time together, and the only ones who have ever had a problem with my presence are John's brother, sister, and parents. Everyone else loves me or at least has enough respect for Brad to be decent to me. They respect me for who I am. Because I've never had to put on an act with them. I've never had to be anyone else, but me. I tried that with John's family when we were engaged and newlyweds, and it didn't work.

I wanted to be able to have a decent relationship with my in-laws. I wanted to be included, and I did everything that I could to please them. Forgetting about myself. I still feel like there is no turning back from the words that were exchanged and the actions that have ensued since then. Not so much on our part, but on theirs. I think that no matter what they do, our relationship will never be the same.

I'm sad that John ended up being put into a position where he had to choose the family he was born with over the one he has made for himself. I'm sad that parents play favorites and instead of alienating John like they are, that his parents aren't trying to reach out to him. I'm sad that they only want to hear one side of the story and not both. I'm sad that they think that he is just lost without them and doesn't realize that he is a perfectly capable adult. I'm sad that when there is a situation or circumstance that they don't want to deal with that they still manage to let Brad and I deal with it. Even when I'm "not family". I'm sad that they don't realize that the lives that they are hurting are their own.

I'm thankful that I've forgiven them. And no, I'm not lying. This was just the nail in the coffin for them, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not hurt or angry anymore. Just disappointed that this is the path that they have chosen.

I'm thankful that John and I have found peace. I'm thankful that we both know that there are going to be moments of doubt and moments of sadness at how this is all going to play out. John and I feel that by giving them their space that the ball is in their court. We are willing to talk and work things out. But no matter what happens, the relationships between John, his brother, his sister and his parents will never be the same. They showed their true colors. We are responding with ours.

I have one request - please pray for them. Pray for his parents, for his brother and his family, and for his sister and her family. Pray that they find peace. Pray that whatever hate and anger that they are harboring towards us, that they can let go of.

When Life Breaks Your Heart

Every now and then, we all have one of those days. One of those days when everything that can possibly go wrong, does.

Those days frustrate, make us grumpy and unpleasant to be around. But every now and then, things are so, so much worse. Death, disease, natural disasters and those are just the icing on the cake of suck.

Life has been crazy since I started college. There are days that I have to prioritize, and things like cleaning and laundry take a backseat to homework and studying. There are days this semester that I walked around campus nearly in tears wondering "what in the hell am I doing here?" I didn't feel like I "belonged" there. I was too old, I was too...everything. As I started making better grades and started remembering that this was going to be hard, but how much I was enjoying it, I stopped feeling so...inadequate.

All the years of trying to have a baby took their toll on my body, my brain, my bank account, and my heart. And once again, inadequate. My body had failed me. Something somewhere doesn't work right. I don't know, doctor's don't know, specialists don't know.

Hi, we know you have something wrong where you can't get pregnant, but we have ran all these tests and all these procedures, but we don't know why you can't. Let's try in-vitro. Oh, I don't know if that will work, but what's $12000 in the grand scheme of things?

It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it's only been weeks. John's grandfather, who has been fighting cancer, passed away. Our world was quickly turned upside down. We went from watching him make improvements, to just giving up. His body, worn out, just couldn't take anymore, and frankly I think he was tired and ready for the end.

We packed up and drove 800 miles to Nevada to spend some time with my husband's grandmother. Which, now in hindsight, was actually the beginning of the end.

It's no secret that my in-laws and I haven't had the greatest relationship. I have blogged about it on occasion, but I have always kept their true identities from you. Simply because someone could figure out who they were and then figure out who I was. And I wouldn't be here if I didn't get to hide behind my alter ego.  But over the course of the next few days and weeks, there are going to be posts here, that are going to delve deeply into my life. What I'm going to be posting could very well cause my readers to question my own morals and beliefs, I simply ask you to read through the whole story. Then you can feel free to pass judgement on our actions.

So to those of you who know my real identity, I ask that you continue to comment, but also help me protect it. Because if, somewhere down the road things were to change, I don't want anything that I've written here to come back to haunt me, John, or them.

6 Days of Thanksgiving

Today I am thankful for my in-laws.

Let me pause here while my husband re-reads that statement several times.

My husband's family and I have never gotten along.  I have always thought that was because they thought John could do so much better than me.  I'm perfect, I don't know why they would think that.

Our relationship has always been rocky and "on" and "off".  This week they love me, next week they hate me.  They pretty much just put up with me, because they have figured that John isn't getting rid of me.

On one hand I'm sad, because I always wanted to have a good relationship with his family.  One that at least allowed me to not feel uncomfortable at family gatherings because I'm the "evil" one.  After almost 11 years, I'm not sure that I'll ever have the kind of relationship with them that I want. 

And I think that is the point.  They make me realize how important and what an impact my actions and words have on those around me.  They make me realize that how one sentence, one comment said in a moment of anger, can never be forgotten and how important it is to not always judge someone based on a first impression.  They also remind me to have hope in people.  That there is the possiblity of change, and that I'm not perfect.

I will always be grateful for the wonderful man that they raised John to be.  I'm also thankful that he isn't selfish or hurtful in the ways that his family often is, not only to myself, but to their own children.  I'm sad that the type of relationship that I have with his parents, brother's family and sister makes John's life more difficult.  It puts him in an awkward position of often having to choose me over them, and I never wanted things to be that way.  I honestly wish that things could be different, and that they had been different the past 11 years..

It's important to remember the kinds of impressions that these actions make on our family.  Perhaps we all need to sit down and take a good look at the legacy we are leaving behind.


~The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents. ~Charles DeLint



~Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.  ~Charles R. Swindoll
 
~Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother. ~Rose Kennedy