Not the Right Button

Friday night is typically date night at our house. We go out with friends, family or just by ourselves. It's the one night that I am guaranteed not to have to cook, except on rare occasions.

This past Friday, we were headed to the restaurant of choice, and we were stopped at a stop light. Sitting next to us was a bright yellow VW Bug.

We were making fun of the guy driving, his obviously girlfriend/wife's car because there was flowers in a vase inside the car.

He was also digging for some serious boogers while sitting at the light. Then he tried the "Be cool" moves in hopes that we hadn't seen him.

Sorry dude. We saw. We wished we hadn't but we did.

As the light changed, and he quickly sped off, my husband noticed that he had a transformer image (like the robot people that movies and toys are made of) on the back window.

The following conversation occurred:

Him: There's a transformer sticker on the back window.

Me: What? Does he think that actually makes his car transform into a transformer?

Him: I don't know.

Me: I'm pretty sure that's not where the button is. (Up his nostril)


Date night is so fun.

A Lesson In Patience

It's hard to believe that my husband will have been unemployed one month to the day on Saturday. It's hard to believe that for all of the jobs that he has applied for nothing, has made it official yet, that is until today.

And now he has two job offers. Two. Which sounds all kinds of awesome, except for the wife who worries. And if you want to meet her, well, she is the one who's going to write this post today.

She's the one who worries that everything won't work out and that the rent will be due and that will mean money pulled out of the savings account that she doesn't want to touch, for fear that we will need that money later. Even though technically we need it now. So she's the freak who is writing this post today.

Amazingly so I, er she, hasn't been as freaked out about this unemployment period as she should have been, as she typically would have been. She has tried to remain calm and not panic. Yet as the days continue to pass, and with two offers on the table (one of which has no been turned down), she feels the need to panic. Because what if...

-something goes wrong and they change their mind
-he doesn't pass the physical
-he doesn't really like the job
-I don't really like his job

And the list goes on and on. She's trying to be patient. She's trying to trust God for a change instead of pushing her husband into taking the safe route. She's trying.

This job, well, it's kinda the job that dreams are made of. It's making more money than the job he lost. It's for a good, solid company, with some excellant benefits. It offers the possibility of promotions and a career instead of just a job, and let's face it, I'm (so is she) a find a career job, not just a paycheck. Because every job that I've had, I've loved. Could be why I've had so few jobs in my life, I've been lucky, very lucky. They like him enough, that they are already thinking of promotions for him, based on his experience and him.

I...er she talked, via text message to a good friend last week, and her response was "God is good!"

Yes, yes he is. The job is amazing. He has orientation on Monday at 10am. So the job is basically his. Just one more hurdle to overcome. One that I'm hoping will open his eyes to some other areas of his life that need some attention and some work as well.

Heck, it's some areas that my her life chould use as well.

It's funny, I've felt God's presence in my life more in the last month than I think I have my entire life. Sure, I've felt his precense in the weeks after my grandfather died, and the weeks that Papa laid in the hospital, waiting. But instead of comfort, it was peace and a lack of worry that I was given. I'm pretty sure that last Friday I heard laughter and the voice that had an "I told you so" quality about it telling me "See what happens when you let go of things and let me take care of it."

Point taken.

Then for half a moment I wondered just how different my life would be, if I could give my infertility away like that. I've wondered a dozen or more times if that little girl that I've dreamed about might be a reality by now, if I had just been patient, and had more faith in God's timing instead of my desire for right this minute.

I've also learned that it's ok that I haven't given up on her. That voice reassured me that "I'm not supposed too" give up on her just yet.

*Note to the family reading this - no, I'm not pregnant. No, I'm not going to be attempting to get pregnant. But I know that I'm not holding on to that little girl so tightly that I'm missing out on the child I could have if I would fill out the adoption paperwork. I believe with all my heart that isn't what we are supposed to do. So I'm not giving up, I'm just going to keep going. Like I've done every single day for that last 6 years. I'm going to hope, that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Happy Valentine's Day

This post is going to be short and sweet, and too the point. I have way to much homework to deal with for a real love fest. I'm not, feeling the love from my professors, the jerks.

This year I'm reminded of the post I wrote about Valentine's Day last year 2010.

See, this year, my husband has now been unemployed for 3 weeks. I'm thankful that in previous years we have been able to do a little something for each other on Valentine's Day, even if it was just Hallmark and candy. This year, however, thanks to my part time only gig, and still having utilities and truck payments and the need for groceries, we agreed that we would do nothing that cost money. Because the bank doesn't appreciate my offer to pay them in candy in order to keep my truck.

The funny thing is, I'm ok with that. This year, already beat last year's Valentines Day all up. See, I was sitting in a cold classroom, waiting to begin a Marketing exam (that I wasn't feeling very confident about), when I noticed a text message from my husband, asking me to be his valentine. I melted. Literally. His sweet message this morning was enough to calm the butterflies that seemed to be doing the cha-cha in my stomach. I managed to relax enough that I actually felt better about that exam than I did when I walked in.

Then I got to work, with an almost repeat of something equally sweet on facebook. Granted, I'm not posting pictures of flowers and other floral displays on like most of my friends on facebook are. And that's ok.

Because my Valentine's Day will top theirs and grind it into a little greasy spot on the pavement.

I'll have a home cooked meal, that he has put effort into. Something yummy for dessert, that was all his doing. I'll have the dishes washed and put away and the kitchen cleaned up for the night, so that I can study for a test that I have tomorrow. I'll have dessert later that will be a surprise, because I'll be so wrapped up in doing homework and studying that I loose track of time.

Then tonight, when we go to bed and I apologize (like I do most nights) that he has taken on so much while I go to school, he will tell me that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind. That he knows I will do well on the test tomorrow and that he loves me and how very proud of me that he is.

I would love to share that with facebook, but it's not as flashy, it's not at all something to show off to the world that he loves me. At least not in something that can be physically seen or touched.

Instead it's all mine, I don't have to share it on facebook or let the guys I work with harass me about it. I get to share it with the one person who truly matters to me.

His love is simply there, in everything he does, whether he means for it to be or not. It’s there. The flowers, the cards, the candy they don't mean anything. Sure the sentiment is nice, but right now, I'm content to have less. To be doing less this year for each other, to be reminded that there are things more important than flowers and extravagance. Then I think about John's cousin, who is spending this day without his wife, and I realize that in having less, I really do have more.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Dear Robber

Dear Robber,

Several weeks ago you broke into my husband's office. You determined that he has personally wronged you in some way and that the most effective way for you to get your revenge was to break in to his office and steal equipment, parts, and just make a general mess. However, this time the jokes on you.

See, if you had really knew your former boss/co-worker you would know that none of that stuff in his office means anything to him. Sure he would be disappointed, but otherwise, it's just stuff. Stuff can be replaced. Everything that you damaged or stolen will eventually be replaced, so you actually did him a favor by allowing him for upgrades that he would have otherwise never gotten.

Your lay-off or termination wasn't personally his doing. He has a boss too, one that often gives him orders that he would rather not follow through with. There are days when he would love to let you continue to work, but sometimes the people who sign his paycheck say differently. So he does what he has to do so that he can provide for his family. Which isn't all that different from your actions, except that you committed a felony, and he just hurt your pride.

So, Mr. Robber, you might think that you accomplished something, but other than finding a very non-productive manner for your rage, you really didn't accomplish much. And now, his revenge will be when you are punished for the crime/s that you have committed. Sure, you might escape capture here on earth, but God has the final say. I'm sure He won't be pleased with your choice, but that's between you and him. See, Mr. Robber, my husband's already forgiven you. He's already moved on and began to rebuild his office. Please know that we will pray for you and those who will be hurt by your actions should you ever be caught, because just about everyone who comes through those doors has a family, and they would be devastated by your actions. I hope your mama is proud of your career choice.

Thank you for reminding us of what is important. Office supplies weren't it.

Sincerely,

The Normals'

Selfless

I don't realize how lucky I am, or how much my husband loves me until days like today.

He is willing to sacrifice his happiness, his career with a nation wide company, to change jobs for $20,000 more per year, so that I could quit my job and simply worry about school.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be a blessing. It would. It would make my stress level decrease incredibly.

And he would give up everything he has now, simply because he is tired of seeing me tired.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

My only response to him: do what makes you happy. I'll work twice as hard at school if I have to, if you want to stay where you are. I'll make sacrifices that I need to so I can do this.

His response: if it makes your life easier, it can only make my life better.

I'm so glad I married that man. I love him with all my heart.

My only regret. That his family wasn't a colony of flies on the wall for that conversation. They might have learned something about the kind of person that their son, brother, and grandson is in those moments.

Monday's

I think that Monday's were invented to help you plan for retirement.

Because every time one rolls around, I can't wait for the day that I don't have to get up and go to work, when every day can be a weekend.

Because let's face it, Monday's really bite.

I'm tired, thanks to my husband's phone ringing at 4:45am and then his alarm went off at 5, 5:15, 5:30, 5:45, and 6am. Time he got out of bed 6:45, when my alarm went off. He is lucky to be alive. He will be mighty lucky if he survives the day with his butt intact, because my patience is very, very, very thin today.

After tomorrow I may be writing this blog from prison if he even sets his alarm. And one little gray dog might be added to the mix if she doesn't stop barking and growling while I'm in the shower, naked, covered in soap and trying to shave while she barks. So if your the person who is making her bark, if I cut my leg shaving, I'm so adding you to my body count. Of course, your going to get a free peep show before your untimely demise.

I hope your Monday is shaping up better than mine. I'm off to learn the days of the week in Spanish. So that I will understand how Monday's bite in more than one language.

Have a Happy Monday. Or at least avoid homicide today.

Marriage

According to good 'ol Webster.

mar-riage - noun - the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
 
According to other people
 
mar-riage - noun - someone to help pay the bills, raise the kids, maintain the house, earn money, and spend time with each other on holidays and special occasions.
 
Lately with all the family drama (sorry, I'll get over this soon) in our lives our marriage has been called in to question more times than I can keep track of anymore.
 
I have been told things like "cut the cord", "lengthen his leash", "you guys spend way too much time together". And a few other comments that are along the same lines.
 
Webster (the dictionary guy) defines marriage as some technical term. Which technically it is. But an actual marriage is so much more complicated than that.
 
My in-laws have a marriage that I don't understand, as well as John's brother. His sister is in a long term relationship (hopefully soon to be married) and she has the same idea of marriage that her parents do. I realize that there are a lot of different situations and scenarios out there of different marriages, it's like snowflakes there are no two the same. What works for John and I might not work for you and vice versa.
 
I'll admit we do spend a lot of time together. But when we are apart, especially when my family is involved, I get the third degree about why John wasn't there. Even this past weekend that I spent with my Aunt. She felt bad that she missed out on getting to see John. She repeatedly apologized.
 
We do just about everything together. We go to the grocery store, we go to the dry cleaners, we go out to eat, we go on vacations together, we even go shopping together. Imagine that.

Yet, there are times, when we do things alone. I have play dates with a girlfriend where John does his own thing. On Saturday afternoons during the summer he and a buddy play golf while I go shopping or hang out at home or whatever I want to do. We can't imagine the other going on vacation without taking the other one with us. We can't imagine spending less time together than we do. We like the intimacy that our marriage has. We are both happy and empowered by our marriage as a couple and as individuals.
 
Yet, every year my mother in law goes to Las Vegas to spend a large chunk of her summer vacation with her mother, while John's Dad stays home. We are talking anywhere from 4-6 weeks that she is gone. While I understand that works for them, it wouldn't work for us. While Jean goes shopping, Dave stays home. They rarely spend large amounts of time together like John and I do. Which as long as they are happy, I'm not bashing it. I respect that is how their marriage works, and I don't criticize how their marriage works and tell them that they should spend more time together.
 
Yet John's family thinks that we should spend time apart. That we should be more independent and that I should "let" John have lunch with his sister or do other activities with them without me and their other significant other's tagging along. Because of their dislike for me, they think that this is the way that I want our marriage to be and that John has no opinion on the matter. They don't realize that he wants things this way too. That he thinks that we don't spend enough time together (and some weeks I agree to that). We consider our time apart from each other when we are at work. Otherwise you can pretty well assume that we are together. But on the same hand we both can do things without the other. Every now and then I have lunch or hang out with a friend without John and vice versa. But all of his friends and all of my friends want the other person included. They see us as a team, and they want to spend time with both of us, not just one of us. So it's harder for both of us to understand why his family wants to single us out.
 
I always wanted a marriage that was a partnership. I wanted us to be friends as well as partners and we are. We talk, we hang out, we do the laundry and argue about who will clean the bathroom. But we are happy. John included. Yet his family thinks that I am keeping his chain short and limiting his freedom. The thought never crosses their mind that maybe this is more John's choice and less mine. When we first got married I was afraid that I would be smothered and was concerned that I wouldn't get to do things on my own. Yet now if I go shopping, it usually doesn't last long, because it's more fun with John around. We are a package deal, whether his family, my family, or our friends like it or not.
 
I just wish that I could give his parents a big memo, and some duct tape to keep their mouths closed and some straws to keep their ears open. They might be surprised to learn a few things about their son's marriage if they were just willing to listen. They might learn a few things about their daughter in law too.
 
~Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
 
~Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ... 1 Corinthians 13:4-10
 
~And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”  Matthew 19:2-9



~“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Ephesians 5:31

~ The 3 most important days in my life: the day I was born, the day you were born, and the day when "I" and "You" became "We". -Unknown

The Aftermath

I was going to vent. I have had all these posts partially written about different degrees of emotions and feelings and thoughts about the on-going situation with my in-laws. I was going to tell the whole world about it.

Then I talked to my husband. After having a few days to digest some advice from my husband's favorite aunts, as well as a cousin, my feelings about the situation have changed. Considerably.

Do I still believe that his family is in the wrong? Absolutely. Would I love to sit down with them and explain and talk things out? Absolutely.  Am I willing to admit that I screwed up and in a round about way agreed with someone else's thoughts and opinions to get them to shut up? You bet.

I'm sad that they think that they are hurting us, or whatever it is that they think that they are doing, when in fact, we have found our peace with the situation. Instead of being mad, or upset, or any of the other emotions that you would expect. We have relief.

Relief that we no longer have to walk on eggshells and leave out details of our lives in order to keep the peace and to please other people. Relief that we are no longer "the evil ones". While they still see us as evil, we just see us as trying to hard to please them. I'm really proud that my husband has learned that, even though they are family, that he doesn't have to take their abuse any longer. That he has an opinion and that he is free to express that, whether it's what any of them want to hear or not.

After talking with other married family members, we realize that our marriage is "normal". That married people do spend time together, and the only ones who have ever had a problem with my presence are John's brother, sister, and parents. Everyone else loves me or at least has enough respect for Brad to be decent to me. They respect me for who I am. Because I've never had to put on an act with them. I've never had to be anyone else, but me. I tried that with John's family when we were engaged and newlyweds, and it didn't work.

I wanted to be able to have a decent relationship with my in-laws. I wanted to be included, and I did everything that I could to please them. Forgetting about myself. I still feel like there is no turning back from the words that were exchanged and the actions that have ensued since then. Not so much on our part, but on theirs. I think that no matter what they do, our relationship will never be the same.

I'm sad that John ended up being put into a position where he had to choose the family he was born with over the one he has made for himself. I'm sad that parents play favorites and instead of alienating John like they are, that his parents aren't trying to reach out to him. I'm sad that they only want to hear one side of the story and not both. I'm sad that they think that he is just lost without them and doesn't realize that he is a perfectly capable adult. I'm sad that when there is a situation or circumstance that they don't want to deal with that they still manage to let Brad and I deal with it. Even when I'm "not family". I'm sad that they don't realize that the lives that they are hurting are their own.

I'm thankful that I've forgiven them. And no, I'm not lying. This was just the nail in the coffin for them, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not hurt or angry anymore. Just disappointed that this is the path that they have chosen.

I'm thankful that John and I have found peace. I'm thankful that we both know that there are going to be moments of doubt and moments of sadness at how this is all going to play out. John and I feel that by giving them their space that the ball is in their court. We are willing to talk and work things out. But no matter what happens, the relationships between John, his brother, his sister and his parents will never be the same. They showed their true colors. We are responding with ours.

I have one request - please pray for them. Pray for his parents, for his brother and his family, and for his sister and her family. Pray that they find peace. Pray that whatever hate and anger that they are harboring towards us, that they can let go of.

1 Day of Thanksgiving

Today, I am thankful for my husband.

I'm always thankful that he is my husband, and that he puts up with my sarcasm and odd questions without much complaint.  I'm thankful that he loves to spend time with me, and that he loves to be around me. 

I'm thankful that we have a good marriage, and that I can talk to him about anything.  I'm thankful for his patience with me.  Sometimes I'm grouchy, irritable, annoying, mean, and he manages to not choke me (even though he probably should) 

I'm thankful that he makes any activity fun, even cleaning.  When I have had a day full of "the suck" he holds me and lets me vent, or cry and tells me that it will all work out.  Then he finds out whose ass he needs to kick to make it all work out.  It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm thankful that he goes shopping with me, and doesn't complain, I'm thankful that he doesn't drag me to Academy and Gander Mountain absolutely more than necessary.

I'm thankful that he lays in bed at night and listens to me verbalize how worried or stressed I am about whatever is bothering me.  Even though he has to get up early, he never complains. 

I'm thankful that he is a wonderful person, and that I get to spend the next 100 years with him.  I'm thankful that almost 11 years ago, I married him, and even though we have had our ups and downs, I'm glad that we both wanted this to work out so badly, that we refused to give up on ourselves, or on each other.

I love you.

~I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner


~Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. ~Barnett R. Brickner


~For you see, each day I love you more; Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.~Rosemonde Gerard