To Party or Not to Party...That is the Dilemma

In 11 days I will officially have a college degree.  I will have an Associates Degree in Accounting.  Granted, it probably won't get me as far as I want to go, but I still think it is a big deal.  Yet, I feel that some of my family is thinking that I'm hyping things up more than I should.  Let me explain.

I went back to college in July of 2009.  I went to a local community college right out of high school for a year, but I was working full time, going to school full time, and just trying to juggle having a "life" that didn't revolve around work and school, and I was failing miserably - at all of it.  I was so burnt out at work, as well as at school, that when my financial aid fail through, I saw it as a sign, and I quit.  I took my finals and got married a week later.  It was rough.  It was never something that I had planned on permanently shutting the door on.  I just kinda pushed it half-way there, so that one day I could re-open that door and finish what I started. 

Quitting was hard, yet making the choice to go back was just as hard.  It was something that I have wanted for so long, yet just didn't know how to follow through with and do.  So here I am, and I have worked my ass off to get here.  I've missed out on spending time with family because of homework, I have walked around sleep deprived because I spent way to many nights in a row up trying to do homework.  Yet, since July, I have missed 1 day of work.  I requested a day off in October.  I have still managed to get laundry done, dinners cooked, cards sent, gifts bought, birthdays, anniversary's and other special days remembered, blog posts written, and the list goes on.  I have gone to the grocery store, and family dinners and birthday celebrations - often when I should have been at home doing homework.  I have cried tears of frustration when there just wasn't enough time in the day to get everything that I needed let alone wanted to get done.

So excuse me, if none of that seems important or like an accomplishment, but I made a lot of sacrifices and so has my husband, so that I can pursue this dream.  I would like to celebrate this step - no matter how small or insignificant that it might seem.  It's very, very important to me. 

I'm not asking that these people bring me anything, other than their presence.  (Although I will be accepting donations.  I owe about a billion dollars in student loans. Ha!)  I'm 31 years old, I don't need towels and pots or pans and the other "typical" graduation gifts.  I don't want them.  All I want is one night that I can have dinner with the people who have been the most neglected while I have pursued this.  One night that I can say "Thank you" for their patience, and their faith in my abilities; because these people kept me afloat and let me borrow their faith in myself when my own faith was running on empty.

Yet, I so often feel like this is an accomplishment that I shouldn't be celebrating.  That certain members of my family think I'm blowing things way out of proportion.  That my celebrations should be kept to myself and leave them out of it.

Yet, I'm hoping that they are willing to give up one night, for dinner with me so that they can celebrate this accomplishment.  Even if it means nothing but a free meal and a night out of the kitchen to them, it means so much more than that to me.


~There is a good reason they call these ceremonies "commencement exercises." Graduation is not the end; it's the beginning. ~Orrin Hatch

~All that stands between the graduate and the top of the ladder is the ladder. ~Author Unknown

~Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference. ~Arie Pencovici

~When you leave here, don't forget why you came. ~Adlai Stevenson, to college graduates

~You are educated. Your certification is in your degree. You may think of it as the ticket to the good life. Let me ask you to think of an alternative. Think of it as your ticket to change the world. ~Tom Brokaw


~Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable. ~Wendy Wasserstein


~What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Endings

Beginnings and Endings

This week I have been profoundly reminded of endings. You see, my great Uncle Jack’s life ended on Sunday. While we were all surprised, it shouldn’t have been that much of a shock, as he was 86 years old.

I’ve wanted to vocalize something for days; I just haven’t known what to say. I open word to type out my post, and the words just roll around in my head and they can’t seem to find their way to paper, at least in a cohesive way.

As I was returning home from the store late Sunday night, it dawned on me why losing family, or friends is so heartbreaking. Not only are they gone from your life, birthday parties, and holidays they also take a part of you with them.

My grandfather called me weediewart. It was my nickname that he had given me, probably from before I can remember, because I remember being referred by it often. No one calls me that anymore, which on one hand is a good thing, but on the other, it’s something I miss. And to Jack, I wasn’t Abby I was Abb. He left the last letter off my name, and always had. Even when he married us, he called me Abb. And Sunday night I realized that I would never be Abb again. My Aunt Nita calls me by my full name, unless she was joking with me about Jack’s unique nickname. And even if my entire family took to calling me Abb, it wouldn’t be the same. Then the thought came to me that Jack had taken Abb with him, just like my grandfather took weediewart.

Maybe that’s why death and funerals leave such a gaping hole in your life. You just aren’t losing the person, but you are losing a part of you too. I won’t just miss the Abb reference, I’ll miss a lot more, but the thing I know I’ll miss the most. My name.

I was also reminded this week that life is unpredictable. Here today, gone tomorrow. My grandfather hated funerals. He always swore that dying caused a burden to those still living. Maybe he was on to something. This week I often find my mind wandering back to birthday parties and holidays, and to my wedding and to my Aunt. I look over at my husband at night while he sucks the shingles through the ceiling sleeps peacefully and wonder what I would do, if suddenly he were gone. I can’t even begin to imagine. I remember how terrified I was when he a bad wreck a few years ago, and that was just worry over his injuries. I can’t even begin to imagine how my mom felt when my father had a heart attack last year. I hope that I never have to find out. I can’t imagine how quiet our house would be, and the knowledge that it would be like that from here on out. I can understand why so many widows and widowers remarry and even take their own lives. Silence is deafening.

So this Friday I’ll have “date night” with my family instead of just my husband. And instead of dinner and a movie, we will laugh, cry, and celebrate the life of my great Uncle Jack. I can’t think of a better date, or anywhere else I would rather be.

~The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain

~The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity. ~Seneca

~We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love. ~Madame de Stael

~Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson