2nd Best

We have all been there at one point. 2nd place. Not quite good enough for first, but still “acceptable”. More than acceptable by some people’s standards.

I know this really amazing guy. He’s funny; he’s smart, good-looking, sweet, selfless, and thoughtful. I could go on and on. He is just a great guy. This guy did something that most people wouldn’t have the guts to tackle and see it through. It probably isn't amazing by some people’s standards, but for him, it was.

At 29 he went to college. For the first time. Ever.

While that might not be a big deal to some, it was to him. It still is. He works full time, travels out of town every other week so that he can do his job. He helps care for a 77 year old man, as well as his house, when he is home. To say that he is busy is an understatement. Yet, he still manages to find time to spend with his wife, and maintain an A average.

Sure, some people would have it worse, if they were to go back to school today. They would have kids, chemo, jobs, friends, spouses, and families, all to deal with. I’m not trying to diminish their own obstacles, if they were to go back to college. They would have their own struggles and probably see his as a walk in the park in comparison. They might be right.

He has a younger sister, who is also going to college. She has been going quite a while, and changed her major several times. If she had stuck with one she would probably be working on her master’s degree by now. I can understand changing your major, you might as well find something that you love to do, so you didn’t waste all that time, and money.

When this guy shared with his family that he would be graduating with his associate’s degree several months before his baby sister, he was told that she had so many problems, and that her life was so much harder than his. According to him, and my impression from him, they made his accomplishments seem less than stellar. They made his hard work, seem like nothing. Like he was just “playing” around with school. Like it wasn’t important. Like no matter what he did, it was still just 2nd best.

I have spent the better part of today wondering why he got such a raw deal. Out of his siblings, and I have met them both, he is the more upstanding one. He is there in a bind if they need him, he is honest, decent to his parents, has worked since he was 16 years old. He never expected a handout. Maybe just a hand guiding him, not pushing, maybe just a hand pulling him up, when he fell, but never a handout.

Instead he just doesn’t quite measure up. Oh sure, they are proud of him, but his brother cooks better, or his sister has a B in chemistry. It just doesn’t ring true when they say, “You have a 4.0, that’s great. Well, your sister has a B in chemistry and she has tried really hard. You know how hard she works and studies. It’s just so hard to believe, and she has a B. We are so proud of her.”

And instead of lashing out, that wonderful man, sits there, silent. While his family, oblivious to the hurt that they just inflicted to their 2nd born child. He sits there, and silently prays for understanding, and patience, and for an escape.

It hurts me the way that parents, sometimes unintentionally hurt their children. His parents have no idea, nor do his brother or sister, what his never measuring up is doing to him. It’s changing him. It will make him work harder, so he can finish what he started. It will also make it easier to walk away.

Trust me. I know.

My “father” (at least on paper) did the same thing to me as a child. I was never good enough, my grades were never good enough, and nothing I did was ever good enough. There was always someone who did it bigger and better. But instead of having a sibling to compare too, I was compared to my friends. One of which wouldn’t have known what to do if she saw an A on her report card. Yet, me, making the all A honor roll, wasn’t quite good enough.

And it changed me. It made it easy to walk away, and not see him again. To be thankful that he lives across the country from me and that I don’t have to worry about running into him when I go back to my hometown. He didn’t make me try harder. The people who cheered me on, who were proud of C’s, who were proud of zits on prom night, crunched fenders, and everything else that meant something to me, they were the ones who made me try harder. The “father” made it easier to walk away from the people who wouldn’t cheer me on.

He talks often about moving away. Far away from his family, brother, and sister. Just packing up his wife and dogs and moving somewhere, where he can’t always be reminded of how he just doesn’t measure up.

Do you know what bothers me the most? His family. They don’t realize the damage that they are doing. They don’t realize what they are losing. Perhaps, like my “father”, it will take them a few years of not having him in their life to see what they are missing, what was right in front of them the whole time. For their sake, I hope not.

That man. That wonderful, sweet, selfless man doesn’t realize how many people he has cheering him on. And that he isn’t the one “missing” anything. His family is. That man also doesn’t realize that to me, and at least a dozen other people, he will never be 2nd best with us. He is 1st class all the way.

“How do you know?” You ask.

Because I am honored to be his wife. And I wouldn’t settle for 2nd best.


~Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. ~Judy Garland

~It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings

~Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. ~Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1750

~Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. ~Harvey Fierstein

~Learn to... be what you are, and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not. ~Henri Frederic Amiel

~It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not. ~Andre Gide

Chances

chance- n - 1. the happening of events without apparent cause; luck 2. an unpredictable event 3. a risk or a gamble 4. a ticket in a lottery 5. an opportunity 6. possibility or probibility

second - adj. - 1. coming after the first 2. another of the same kind; other

Now that you have had your vocabulary lesson for the day. You knew I would get my sarcasm in here somewehere. :)

Chances. First. Second. Last. We have all heard them, we have all used them, and we have all given them. Baseball players have three chances to hit the ball before they strike out. Some parents give three warnings before punishing their child. They are all chances to get it right, to make it right before it's too late.

This morning as I got to work and opened up my internet as MSN loaded, I was reminded of how there aren't always second chances. Sometimes, you only get one chance to get it right.

My husband forces me (read asks me) if I want to watch Deadliest Catch, I pretend to be indifferent, but the entire show is really cool. It's like take the world to work day. Makes me look at crab in a whole new way. Anyway - last season, one of the Captians on one of the regular boats had a serious health scare. He had a blood clot in his lung. This isn't often something that you walk away from. He was told that his lifestyle had contributed to this problem. He was told to change his life - quit smoking - eat better - less stress. He attempted all of this, for about 24 hours. Then decided that he knew better than the doctor's, that he knew the bigger picture and that he would undoubtedly be given another chance. A few days ago, he found out differently as he suffered a major stroke and died. There was no third chance.

My dad had a heart attack in April of last year, which completely changed his life forever. He is retired at 52. Not by choice, but because of the damage that he suffered because of the heart attack. He attempted to change his lifestyle, but like anyone who has ever tried to do that, it is hard. He quit smoking, he had finally started watching what he was eating better. More than just paying attention to sodium. Until sometime around Thanksgiving. He and my mom have been under a lot of stress. They both quit smoking and they had smoked for 30+ years. My father had gotten over the grouchiness and was "normal" again. My mom - yeah, she was still in that grouchy no patience phase. They had been fighting and stressing - and decided to start smoking again, or kill each other. Hmmm...what do you think that the smoking is doing? Makes me wonder what his blood thickness would be reading now...after he has been smoking a few months again. After reading the story on MSN this morning, it got me to thinking - what chance is he on? Is this his second and will there be a third, or is this his last?

Thankfully those aren't questions that I know the answer too. That's between him and God. And while I agree that when it's your time to die, you are going to die, be it by heart attack, car accident, or breaking your big toe and it getting infected and dying from blood poisioning, or demons attacking. (whoa...been watching way to much Charmed.) It's his life, and his choice, and his chance. I do believe that God is like any other parent, he only gives you so many chances to get stuff right, and then he moves on. He already knows what you are going to do anyway.

We face chances all the time, at work, at home, at school, driving, eating (after you have had severe food poisioning that you nearly died from), health. How many chances have I wasted? How many have I screwed up? How many have moved on? How many times was there only one chance? My husband had a severe wreck, that changed the way he drives forever, is he working on his second chance, or his last? No one really knows. The important thing - not to waste them. Especially if it could be your last.

To read the story click here -----> Phil Harris - Deadliest Catch

"Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do."~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. "~ Frederick B. Wilcox

New Baby Syndrome

It's official. I have been diagnosed with New Baby Syndrome.

First, let me explain. Have you ever had a friend who gets pregnant and all they talk about is baby? Or they meet a new guy and all you hear about is him? New car? House? Dog? Cat? Can opener?

My husband's grandparents were here from Las Vegas over Thanksgiving. I started new classes that week. I was a little overwhelmed with homework, and I did something that most people would call tacky and rude; I took my laptop with me so that I could work on homework while I was at my mother-in-laws (MIL) house.

Yeah.

I'm a big family person. Especially grandparents. I had a unique relationship with my grandparents, and my husband has a special relationship with this particular set of grandparents. I know that it was pretty awful of me to do, but on the other hand what would have been said if I had just stayed home. Probably worse things than what was.

I decided to go back to school at 30. I have a family (husband and two puppies), a job (bookkeeper/office manager), house (with an extra person - Brad's grandfather) to take care of. Add homework to that and things get kinda scary every once in a while. Sometimes I really wish that we could swap shoes with other people and let them walk a mile in ours and perhaps they would understand. Thankfully, after a little explaining on my part, and a grandfather who went back to college at 40, an understanding was reached. So not all was lost.

Or so I thought.

I lost out both ways. I felt extra stressed out because I was trying to do homework in a short amount of time and spend time with his grandparents. It was one of those weeks that made me wonder if I was doing the right thing. If I was going to do anything more than piss off both of our families, or if perhaps they could understand.

I went to college right out of high school. I also worked full time and took 12 hours and somehow managed to commute 2 hours round trip every day. Until I had a melt down. One can't live on 4-5 hours of sleep for months with no break. Sure, I could go back to a traditional university. But instead of graduating in 2012, I would probably graduate in 2020. Seriously. I would be 40 before I even graduated, and I would still have my masters to obtain. I don't want to be 40 and still working at a job that is great, but just not what I really want to be doing.

How does this all relate to new baby syndrome?

I eat, sleep, think, and here lately dream about school. Yeah, I lead such an exciting life. I also have been thinking about this from a different perspective. When I make up my mind that I am going to do something - I'm going to do it. I kinda focus on it, and let everything else take a back seat. It's probably not the most productive attitude to have, but sometimes we need to give something our all in order for the job to get done.

I want this so bad that I can taste it, but I don't want to graduate and none of my family still be speaking to me. How do you explain to someone how things in your life are like and give them a taste of things in your shoes?

Realistically - you can't. I can only tell them that I'm busy with school, and hope that they understand how important this is too me, and how much I want and need their support. Even if it means an inconvenience for a while.

Maybe this is one of those little lessons that life throws at you to make you step back and realize that your priorities might need to be adjusted. Or maybe this is a chance. A chance to grow and change and become a better person. Maybe God is preparing me for something bigger and worse to deal with. Maybe this is the worst. Maybe we are teaching someone else a life lesson.

"If you could be or do anything & not fail... What would you be or do?" ~UOP

"It is never too late to become what you might have become."~ George Eliot

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. "~ Albert Einstein

"There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day."~ Alexander Woollcott

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does."~ William James

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."~ Ursula K. Le Guin

"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it. "~ The Buddha

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."~ Dawna Markova

Something I'm not

I always wanted to be a blonde. I honestly have no clue why.

I wanted to have blonde hair that looked like I had just stepped out of the salon with a fresh, tight spiral perm. And I wanted blue eyes. I don’t have a clue as to why those were the features that I would change.

Instead I got thick brown, curly on some days, frizzy on others, seriously confused hair and big brown, puppy dog eyes. The eyes don’t get me much of anything, but they work wonders for my dogs.

Why is it that no one is ever completely and totally happy with the way they look? There is always at least one thing that they would change. Today, when I honestly thought about why I wanted those features I couldn’t answer you. It can’t be so I could have more fun. I have tons of fun. Ok, so before going back to school, I remember having fun once upon a time ago. So why?

Do we use our looks/weight/brains as an excuse? I didn’t get the job or the grade, because I’m a brunette, or not blonde. Is that really how society works? I think that most people like to think so. I think that we have been programmed to need a scapegoat; that we need someone or something to blame, other than ourselves. I think that we have been taught that failure is “ok”. Just cover it up, place the blame somewhere else and pretend like nothing happened. Don’t get me wrong, failure is awesome, probably not when you screw up or immediately thereafter. But you learn, you figure out what worked and what didn’t and you move on. At least that's what I thought.

I think that we are sending out the wrong message to our children about failure. They are growing up thinking that everything should be handed to them, that they shouldn’t earn their successes or their rewards. I can understand building up a child’s confidence when they are 3-4 years old and letting them “win”. Why? It gives them the security that they need to attempt something. It gives them the confidence to even try. I do believe that the older they get that they need to learn to accept defeat and without a temper tantrum as well. As an adult we fail on a daily basis. Some mistakes are so big that they completely change our lives; while some or only an inconvenience. We screw up, we are human, and it’s to be expected. These kids that have never learned how to fail are doomed. What are they going to do when their car breaks down and they don’t have the money to fix it? What are they going to do when they are turned down for a job, because there was a better candidate? Flip out? Commit suicide? Throw a temper tantrum in the elevator? Probably so.

I’m all for trying and failing. It teaches you patience, perseverance, sympathy and even a little humility. It also teaches you how to bandage broken toes and patch holes in walls. It teaches you how to bite your tongue when you would like to tell your boss where to place his "idea". Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. You don’t always get the job you want, the promotion or picked first for the team. Some days you are going to feel like the biggest dunce on the planet; and other days, you will feel like you are on top of the world.

What’s my point? I am taking a class from hell at the moment. This class is taking every bit of my patience, perseverance, and knowledge, just to make it through. It is taking three times the amount of studying just to keep my head above water. It’s hard, and right now it is all that stands in my way. It is the only thing keeping me from taking another step towards my dream of a bachelor’s degree. Are there going to be harder classes? Unfortunately, I’m afraid so.

It’s just another boulder that I’m trying to turn into a stepping-stone. If I let this one class stand in my way, if I expected to pass the class without doing any of the work, then my journey would end here. Plus I wouldn't gain anything. But because I have learned how to fail gracefully, I can keep working with that boulder until it falls into place. I may not maintain my A average, but even if I fail, as long as I have learned something and don’t give up, then have I really failed? Or did I just learn what not to do next time?



“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely.” ~Henry Ford

Veterans Day

Today is Veterans Day, and according to wikipedia Veterans Day has a unique history. Read the article for more information.

This morning while I was sitting at work, drinking my chai tea latte, wishing I was a morning person, wishing I had something to do today other than pay the bills and homework, I was also thinking about how lucky that I am, and that we as Americans are.

As I write this blog, there are thousands of women in the world that cannot enjoy the privledge of going to work each morning, and of wearing clothes that show any skin. There are still parts of the world where women are considered to be lower class citizens.

My grandfather joined the Navy the day after Pearl Harbor, I have a high school friend who is currently in the Air Force, and a childhood friend who joined after September 11th. Think of how different our lives might be had they not sacrificed themselves for us. For people that they didn't know, some that didn't appreciate and even some who thought that they were nuts. They sacrifieced themselves, so that our lives could be different. If that doesn't deserve some appreciation, then I don't know what does.

So today, in honor of our Veterans, thank them. Thank them for their time, for their service, for their sacrifices. Thank them for fighting to keep our country safe and free. Thank them for your job, your latte, your freedom.

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. ~Elmer Davis

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask, "Mother, what was war?" ~Eve Merriam

We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick

When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them. ~Chinese Proverb